Let it Be Me

by Jody Holford

  Tears slipped slowly from her eyes, but when he reached out, she put her hand up to stop him. “I wanted you to choose me, too.”

  What? He stood up. Ignoring her protest, he gripped her shoulders and bent his knees. “What are you talking about? I do. I am. I’m choosing you. I’m asking you to marry me.”

  Megan shrugged off his hands and tried to back up, but the counter was behind her. “Because you want a partner to raise your son and share your life.”

  “Exactly.” That was exactly what he wanted. But not just anyone. He wanted Megan.

  Megan moved around him, making a frustrated sound. “But not because you love me.”

  Shit. He hadn’t exactly given her poetry. Love. Did he love her? Did it matter? He was offering her something more than love—he was making her a promise that no matter what happened, they’d be together. Anyone could say those three words. They weren’t fucking glue. The pain etched into the lines of her face and in every tear on her cheeks burned like acid in his stomach. He might not need them, but she clearly did.

  “Megan. You know I care about you. So much. These past couple of weeks have been…” Absolutely everything to me. He wanted to say the words, and it terrified him, nearly crippled his ability to speak at all.

  She sniffed loudly but stood taller. “Have been?”

  It was hard to talk around the tightening of his chest. His skin was cold. “You told Charlie not to make a promise unless you planned to keep it. I promise you, I will be a good husband to you. A good partner. I’ll be loyal and faithful. I want to be your lover and your friend. I want to be the person you come home to. The person you wake up to. I’ve never felt like this about anyone. I’d do anything for you.”

  “Except love me.”

  Goddamn it. He should just say the words even though just thinking them was like a noose around his neck. Give her something. You’re going to lose her. Fucking say it. Chest tight, he tried to settle his pulse. Just say the fucking words. He hadn’t said them to any woman other than Reece, and look how well that had turned out. She’s not Reece. “Megan. I—”

  She held up a hand, tears trickling down her cheeks. “Don’t. Just don’t. I knew what I was getting into. What you’re asking…it isn’t enough. Not for me, and even though you say you’re doing it for Charlie, it’s not enough for him, either. If his father gets married, he should know it is because of a loving commitment to forever.”

  He stepped closer, but her retreat made him stop. “Don’t do this. Don’t let three words stop us from having what you know could be a good life together. I will be committed to you. They’re just words, Megan.”

  She shook her head, and the sneer on her lips seemed foreign. “They’re not just words. They’re the real promise. They’re hope. Proof that you’re willing to take a leap of faith and be someone’s person. If you can’t say them…if you can’t feel them the way I feel it for you, you can’t make me happy. I’ll always be sad wondering what I could do differently to make you love me back.”

  “Fine. What if I say it? Will you marry me then?”

  Her jaw dropped, and he regretted the outburst immediately. “Love isn’t something you say just to get what you want, Adam. It’s something you feel, something you might not intend to fall into, but it’s not always your choice. If it worked like that, I would have stopped myself from falling in love with you. But the heart doesn’t work like that. Try to stop loving Charlie. You can’t. Because when you love someone, it’s part of you. You say you’re not built for it, but that’s not true or you wouldn’t be such a good dad. You love him. Love is love. You feel it or you don’t. It’s not that you can’t love me. It’s that you don’t want to. And I can’t be with you knowing that.”

  Panic settled into his bloodstream, pumped through him. He tried to touch her, to pull her close. “Megan.”

  That one word felt like it shredded his throat. She kept shaking her head, and tears continued to fall. He just wanted to stop her tears, just pull her close and tell her he’d fix it. He didn’t know how to fix it, but he’d do anything to stop the pain pouring out of her. With jerky movements, she walked to the counter and grabbed her purse.

  “I can’t stay here. I’m sorry. I think Sue is a good match for you and Charlie.”

  “Megan, don’t go like this. Charlie comes home tomorrow. I still need you—”

  She stopped and whirled on him, pointing at him with such fury, he took a step back. “Do not tell me what you need. I’ll find a way to say goodbye to Charlie, but you need to sort yourself out because I’m not coming back. It was a mistake to think you’d changed. That you’d realized love doesn’t have to tear you apart. Sometimes, it can put you back together.”

  On those words, she spun on her heel and stomped out of his kitchen. The door slammed, the vibration echoing around him. Adam stared into the space where she’d been standing, just seconds ago. Tunneling his hands into his hair, he gripped the strands and tried to stop the waves of pain racking his body. Bending in half, he let loose an angry stream of curse words, then stood straight, pacing back and forth with the urge to pick up the now-cold steak from the table and hurl it across the room.

  He gripped the back of one of his chairs so tight his knuckles turned white. The pounding ache in his bloodstream was picking up the pace, making his body shake. With two hands, he lifted the chair and slammed it back in its spot. Feeling like a caged animal, he tossed the chair aside and hurried for the patio doors, desperate to get outside, to pull in a breath that didn’t taste like Megan’s vanilla-scented body wash. He couldn’t fucking breathe, and as his heart raged and he paced back and forth across his lawn, he realized he didn’t care.

  If she was gone, breathing was the least of his concerns.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Megan pulled her car over to the side of the road. She couldn’t see through her tears, and just because Adam stabbed her heart with a thousand tiny razors didn’t mean she should endanger anyone else. Between sobs, she tried to pull in enough air so she wouldn’t hyperventilate. She just needed a minute and she’d figure out what she was doing and where she was going. Cars flew past as she rested her head on the steering wheel, her tears falling onto her lap.

  It shouldn’t hurt like this. It shouldn’t feel like she was being torn from the inside out. She sat up, gripping the steering wheel, and then smacking it with open palms.

  “Stupid, stupid, stupid.” She’d known all along he didn’t want the trappings of love. But how on earth could he touch her and kiss her the way he did and not feel more than caring? How? Why would anyone choose not to love?

  “So they don’t feel like this.” She closed her eyes. Megan could see why Adam would never want to feel what she felt now. Was this how he’d felt when he and Reece split? Was this what he was afraid of feeling again? He’d warned her, hadn’t he? Told her that happily ever after didn’t exist. But I want it anyway. She needed to be with someone who loved her enough—could goddamn well admit to loving her enough—to try anyway. Despite the risks.

  Her phone rang, making her jump. Digging it out of her purse, she saw it was Parker. Her finger hovered over the answer button. She couldn’t stay in her car. Parker would want to break Adam into so many little pieces that not even he—ninja account manager that he was—would be able to count them all.

  She pressed accept. “Parks.”

  “Hey, kid. We’re doing a double feature with flavored popcorn and thought we’d see if you wanted in.”

  She murmured because her throat was too tight for words to get through.

  “Meg?”

  “Parks,” she whispered.

  “Honey, where are you? What’s wrong?”

  Her hand shook, and tears raced down her cheeks. “In my car. He doesn’t love me.”

  “Because he’s a fucking idiot. Who?”

  Megan laughed. “Adam.”

  “Where are you? I’ll come get you.”

  Of course he would. He loved her. “I’
m in my car. I’ll come over.”

  “You shouldn’t drive.”

  “I’m okay,” she lied.

  “Be safe.”

  She promised she would be then used the last of the Kleenex in her purse to wipe her face and nose. Carefully pulling back into traffic, she focused on just getting to her brother’s in one piece. One piece on the outside and a million inside.

  By the time she parked in the visitor spot at their apartment, she was at least breathing steadily. When she pressed their number to get in, the door buzzed open immediately. It was good she’d gotten herself together. She didn’t want Parker and Garrett going all big brother and defending her. If Adam didn’t love her, there was nothing anyone could do to change that. Parker was waiting with the door open when she got to his floor.

  Apparently, she only had it together for the elevator ride, because the minute he looked at her, she burst into tears again.

  “Come here.” He pulled her to his chest and let her cry a moment before guiding her inside.

  “Aw, sweetie,” Garrett crooned, pulling her from Parker’s arms so he could hug her.

  Megan was mortified. She couldn’t ever remember crying like this. Stepping back, she waved her hands, feeling ridiculous.

  “I’m sorry. I’m being an idiot.”

  “Like hell. Don’t you apologize,” Parker said.

  “I’m crying like someone died. It’s not the end of the world.”

  “Want us to make it the end of his world?” Garrett smiled as he asked, and Megan laughed around her tears.

  “No. I don’t. It’s my own fault.”

  She went to the couch and curled up in the corner of it. Parker sat beside her, and Garrett took the chair. “How is it your fault? He’s the moron.”

  “Parker, don’t judge.” Garrett’s tone was stern.

  “We decided a couple of weeks ago we’d enjoy our time together. I knew it was temporary, but I fell anyway. And I let myself believe that when he asked me to be his wife, Charlie’s stepmom, it was because he’d fallen, too.”

  “I’m sorry, he what?”

  Megan’s throat constricted. “He asked me to marry him.”

  Garrett sighed and buried his head in his hands. “Idiot. Fucking idiot.”

  “He asked you to marry him and said he didn’t love you?”

  Megan sighed and curled into her brother’s side. “He didn’t say he didn’t love me. But he couldn’t say he did.”

  “Do you think he does?”

  For just a few minutes, she’d believed he did. “No. Not enough to say it. Not enough to take the risk that goes along with saying it to another person and allowing himself to really feel it no matter what happens. Part of me wanted to say yes, so bad.”

  Parker stiffened at her side. “Tell me you know you deserve more than that.”

  She gave a weak smile. “I’m here, aren’t I? If I didn’t know I deserve more, I would have said yes to his offer and hoped for the best.”

  It was against every law and principle of feminism that a little piece of her wished she had. Just so she didn’t have to face the fact that he’d never kiss her, touch her, or hold her again.

  Before Parker could respond, the door buzzer sounded. Megan’s eyes widened. No way Adam knew she was here. Did he know she’d come here?

  “Uh, we called Stella,” Garrett said, rising and heading toward the door.

  “Parker. You guys didn’t have to do that,” Megan groaned.

  “Of course we did. Happy, sad, elated, or depressed—you need your people, we’re here. Always. Every time.”

  Megan stood and gave her big brother a hard hug. She was still leaning on him when Stella and Garrett walked back into the room.

  Megan was grateful fresh tears didn’t fall just from seeing Stella. It could have been due to the fact that Stella looked pissed. She was carrying Megan’s large duffel bag that she kept on the floor of her bedroom closet.

  Stella held up the bag. “I stopped at your place and grabbed you some clothes and stuff.”

  Walking to her friend, Megan took the bag and set it down, then hugged Stella. “Thanks. You’re the best.”

  Stella’s arms wrapped around Megan’s back like a vice. “Yup. And so are you. If the way he was looking at you the other night says anything, I have a feeling he’s going to realize it and kick his own ass.”

  Megan didn’t want to think about that. She’d used up her supply of hope. She sank down onto the couch. Stella sat beside her. “You’re not going back there.”

  “I have to get my stuff.”

  “We’ll get your stuff tomorrow,” Garrett said.

  “You’ll stay with me,” Stella said.

  “You guys. I can’t just pretend nothing happened,” Megan insisted, looking at them.

  “No one is asking you to. But you don’t have to go back there. He’s known all summer that he needed to hire a nanny. If he has to take a few fucking days off work, too bad for him. Maybe it’ll give him some time to knock some sense into himself.”

  She couldn’t fault them for their fierce loyalty. And in truth, seeing Adam would wreck her. She didn’t think he’d come crawling back, but she appreciated them suggesting she was worth doing so. She’d need to find a way to say goodbye to Charlie. A much more permanent goodbye than she’d intended, she realized. The thought made her eyes well again.

  “Hey. You’re going to be okay,” Stella whispered.

  Megan nodded. “Charlie,” she whispered.

  “You’ll get to say goodbye, sweetie. For now, we just worry about you. Charlie will be fine.”

  He would, but would she? When the silence started to feel heavy, Parker got up to put on a movie.

  “If Captain America doesn’t restore your faith in men, at least he’s nice to look at.”

  Garrett went to the kitchen and brought out cheddar, salt and vinegar, and cinnamon flavored popcorn. They watched the movie, but Megan couldn’t focus. She was sad and hurt but mad, too. At herself. She’d knowingly walked herself straight into a shark tank, then acted surprised about being attacked.

  A small part of her brain understood why Adam wouldn’t want to feel this horrible ache ever again in his life. But even in the very thick of it, with the weight of his words stomping on her heart, Megan knew feeling this again would be better than giving up. She’d find her forever. And he’d love her back so much she’d be grateful Adam had rejected the idea of doing so. One day, she’d look back and think of this as a good learning experience. A character builder. Right now, though, that time seemed as impossible as the idea of ever getting over a man she never should have loved.

  …

  Adam was fine. Better than fine. He was fan-fucking-tastic. And possibly drunk. He lifted his glass, then banged it on the bar when Declan just arched his brow in Adam’s direction.

  Strolling over like he had all the time in the world, his best friend just looked at him. “You’re cut off, lightweight. Fuck, man, you’ve had two beers. We really need to build some tolerance in you.”

  Adam made a rude noise, dismissing his friend’s words. “You can’t cut me off.”

  “Ahh, but I can. And I am. You ready to talk?”

  The bar was full of the Tuesday night regulars. Adam recognized a few people, but wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone other than Dec. The sound of pool balls smacking off each other and music roaring through the speakers did nothing to drown out Adam’s thoughts.

  “Nothing to talk about. She left. I’m glad. Really glad, actually.”

  Declan leaned his forearms on the bar. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

  Adam picked up his glass, realized it was empty, and set it down. Then he pointed at Declan. “Because. Obviously, she’s not who I thought she was. I don’t want an emotional, messy entanglement with a woman who thinks love will save the day. Better to end it now. We had our fun.”

  “Fun. That’s what you’re calling it?”

  “Hey, Dec, how about a beer?” a guy at t
he other end of the bar shouted.

  “Be right there, Tom.” Declan looked back at Adam.

  “Yeah. It was fun.” Really, insanely awesome, unlike anything he’d ever known fun.

  “Interesting. You know what you did when you and Reece broke up?”

  Adam scowled. “No. What’s that got to do with anything?”

  “I’ll tell you in one minute,” Declan said. He grabbed a glass, tilted it under the spout, and poured a draft. He took it down to his customer and came back.

  “At least get me a soda if I’m cut off.”

  Declan grabbed a fresh glass, filled it with ice, and grabbed the soda dispenser. As he filled it, he pointed with one hand at Adam.

  “When you and Reece broke up, you made a list of accounts you needed to change names on. You made another list of who you needed to contact in regards to your divorce.”

  Adam shrugged. Those things had needed doing. “What’s your point?”

  Declan passed him his soda. “You canceled the vacation you guys had been planning.”

  “Uh, yeah. You don’t go on vacation with the woman you’re divorcing. Not fun.”

  “I wouldn’t think so. You know what else you don’t do? And I’m not generalizing here. You know what Adam Klein doesn’t do?”

  He took a sip of his drink. “Why don’t you tell me?”

  Declan leaned down again, looking Adam right in the eye. “You don’t come to my bar on a Tuesday night and get drunk—which you never fucking do regardless of the day—because you’re happy that things are over. And since you’re clearly too slow to hang on to an amazing woman or get my point, I’ll be emphatically clear: you, Adam Klein, say you loved Reece, but not once did you show an ounce of the sorrow over the breakup that you’re showing right this fucking minute. And you married her. So if you don’t love Megan, why don’t you try and tell me what it is you do feel?”

  Adam’s head swam with images of Megan’s face. He couldn’t stop seeing the pain in her eyes or the tears she’d cried. He hated that he hurt her. Couldn’t stand himself for hurting her. Why the hell hadn’t he been able to get the words out of his throat?