Let it Be Me

by Jody Holford

  “I feel bad that I hurt her. I never meant to.”

  Declan shook his head and made a sound of disgust. “But you don’t love her.”

  “I don’t want to love anyone.”

  “Didn’t say that, man. I’ll tell you this—I’ve known you most of my life. Never seen you like this over a woman. I’d bet my bar on the odds that you don’t just love her, but that she might be the love of your life. And you’re too chicken shit to take a leap because Adam Klein always has to know exactly where he’ll land. But guess what? Life doesn’t work like that. You don’t want to admit you love her, then you probably don’t deserve her anyway.”

  Adam’s fingers tightened on the cool glass. “You are the worst fucking pep talk giver ever. If this was your job, you’d be fired.”

  “I’m okay with that. What I’m not okay with is my best friend truly not believing he deserves a chance at happiness. At something real.”

  Shoulders sagging, Adam rested his forearms on the bar.

  “Just ask yourself one question: if you don’t love her, then what’s the big deal? Why are you more upset now than you were over the breakup of your marriage? Why are you here at all? Go back to your list, choose a woman, and marry her. If Megan isn’t special or isn’t the one, then what the hell is your problem?”

  Adam sat up straight and pointed a finger at Declan. “That was not one question.”

  Declan laughed, lifting a hand to wave to a leaving customer. “At least you can still count. That’s something, I guess.”

  He hadn’t said Megan wasn’t special. She was. More so than he’d realized. Because unless it came to numbers, Declan was right: he was an idiot. Since his heart currently felt like it was breaking apart into useless bits, maybe he hadn’t protected it at all. In fact, he was pretty sure Megan had taken it with her when she left.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Adam fidgeted with his car keys, running his thumb and forefinger over the smooth casing of the fob. Any minute now. Any minute his boy would be right in front of him. It took him a second to see him in the throng of passengers exiting, but then his eyes landed on Charlie, and it was as if his heart actually jumped in his chest.

  Mouse ears on, Charlie came running as soon as he saw Adam. It was the same flight attendant who delivered him.

  “I missed you, bud,” Adam whispered as he picked Charlie up and pulled him into a tight hug.

  Charlie’s little arms wrapped around his neck and held tight. “Me too. I brought you presents.”

  They thanked the flight attendant and went to grab Charlie’s bag so they could get out of the crowded airport. Once they were tucked in the car and Adam was pulling out of the lot, he breathed a sigh of relief. His head hurt slightly, and if he thought about Megan, it felt like someone was scratching glass across the surface of his skin, but other than that, he was okay.

  “Dad, I rode California Screamin’.” Charlie’s excitement vibrated through the interior of the car.

  “That’s the huge roller coaster?”

  “Yup. I went on six times. Mom said any more and she might throw up.”

  “So you had fun?”

  “It was so cool. And I got to meet Mickey, Donald, Woody, and Buzz. Can we go sometime together, Dad?”

  “I’d like that,” Adam said.

  “Is Meg at home? I got her presents, too.”

  Adam kept his eyes on the traffic and swallowed down the lump in his throat. Not only was another woman walking away from Charlie’s life, but Adam had given her a nice hard shove out the door, possibly wrecking his son’s chances of saying goodbye.

  “No, bud. She’s, uh…staying with a friend right now.”

  He glanced in the rear view and saw Charlie’s brows scrunch together. “How come?”

  Adam did his very best never to lie to his kid. To anyone, really. But he couldn’t look at his son and tell him that his dad was the reason why.

  “You’ll see her soon. Tell me more about the trip.”

  “Mom’s getting married,” Charlie said.

  Adam nearly slammed on the brakes. “What?”

  “Yeah. He hung out with us lots. His name is Phil.”

  Reece was getting married. And though it felt a little strange to imagine that, it didn’t bug Adam. He wouldn’t have to pay alimony. The thought brought a smile to his face, and then he recalled Declan’s words. He didn’t care if Reece moved on. The news didn’t burrow in his stomach like a nasty bug. No. That only happened when he thought of Megan.

  Son of a bitch.

  He’d really, truly fucked up.

  He wished Reece had given him a heads up, but other than that, he hoped she’d find happiness. The kind you just threw away?

  “You like him?”

  Adam caught Charlie’s shrug in the mirror as he was shoulder checking to switch lanes. Whoever Reece was marrying would be a permanent factor in Charlie’s life, so he damn well better be good to his kid.

  “Yeah. He’s real funny. He’s a camera guy on Mom’s set, and I got to go see where they both work.”

  “Then why do you sound kind of blah about him?”

  “I don’t know. I just don’t want you to be sad is all.”

  Wishing he were home so he could stop talking to Charlie from the front seat, Adam smiled at the idea his son would worry about him.

  “Why would I be sad, bud?”

  “Just cause you don’t have anyone to love.”

  Adam’s stomach seized. “I have you.” He didn’t need more. Charlie had always been enough. Pain settled deep into his bones when he thought of Megan admitting she loved him. He could have that. Not anymore. But he wanted it.

  “And Dec,” Charlie added.

  Adam laughed, a genuine smile tipping his lips. “And Dec.”

  “And Meg.”

  Fuck. His hands tightened on the steering wheel. Even his kid could see it. Adam’s voice was hoarse when he answered, “And Meg.”

  When they got home, Charlie asked if they could call Meg so she could come home and he could show her the pictures he’d taken and her gifts. Adam managed to distract him with ordering pizza, getting unpacked, and talking about the trip they were going to take together. He’d decided to take Charlie to York Beach. There was an amusement park and zoo there. They’d stay in a hotel for a couple of nights and just be together. His phone buzzed as he was putting the wet clothes into the dryer.

  He didn’t recognize the number, and his heart soared. It could be Meg. “Hello?”

  “Is this Mr. Klein?”

  “It is.”

  “This is Noreen Wentworth, calling from Palton Academy. I wanted to let you know that Charlie has been accepted for September. Congratulations to you and your son.”

  Adam stared at the wall, unsure of what he felt. His kid had gotten into a school that the children of extremely successful families attended. Even without Adam being a partner, Charlie had gotten in.

  “Mr. Klein?”

  He shook his head. “Yes. Sorry. Thank you very much.”

  “My pleasure. I’ll be emailing you a number of documents. The sooner you get them filled out, the better. Please tell Charlie we’re looking forward to welcoming him into Palton.”

  Adam hung up, dazed. Charlie came into the room and stopped in front of him. “Was that Meg?”

  Megan. He’d managed a whole minute and a half without thinking of her. Adam set his phone on the edge of the counter and kneeled. “Nope. It was Palton Academy,” Adam said, smiling at his son, feeling proud for both of them.

  “What’s that?”

  Adam put his hands on Charlie’s shoulders. “It is one of the best schools in the county. In the state. And you, my awesome little man, just got accepted.”

  When he opened his arms wide, he expected Charlie to jump into them. Instead, his son’s features screwed up so he looked like he might cry. “Will my friends go there?”

  Adam dropped his hands. “No, but you’ll make new friends. Great friends. This i
s a wonderful school, Charlie. I had to work really hard to get you into it. You’re going to have all kinds of great opportunities by attending this school.”

  Charlie crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t want opportunities! I want to be in Mrs. Moyer’s grade three class with Jamie! Megan is going to work at my school.”

  Pain lanced his heart. He’d pushed that aside and forgotten that Charlie would still see her there. Adam stood, his knees aching from the laundry room floor. “I know you don’t think you want to go, but honestly, bud, it’s a great school. They have the biggest gymnasium I’ve ever seen.”

  Charlie almost growled at him. “I don’t want to go. I’m not gonna. I want to call Megan.”

  Uncertainty and tension boiled over, and Adam threw up his hands. “You’ll go where I say you’ll go, and stop asking about Megan. We’re not calling her,” he almost-yelled.

  “Why not?” Charlie never screamed at him, and it shocked Adam so much that he responded without thinking.

  “Because she doesn’t want to talk to me, okay?”

  And then, as if he wasn’t feeling like the scum on the bottom of someone’s shoe, his son burst into tears and looked at him with such disgust, Adam knew he’d see the expression in his sleep for years to come.

  “What did you do? I want to talk to Megan. Why do you wreck everything?”

  Before Adam could respond, Charlie ran from the room and slammed his bedroom door.

  Adam rammed his fingers into his hair, yanking on it instead of shouting, which was exactly what he felt like doing. Leaning against the wall, he sank against it, sliding back down to the floor. Why did he wreck everything? And how the hell did he fix it? He’d thought Charlie would be stoked to go to a new, fancy school.

  All Charlie wants is you. Megan’s words flitted through his brain, and Adam closed his eyes, breathing through his nose. Fuck. He really did ruin everything.

  Getting up, he walked over to where he’d put his phone and saw it was gone.

  Walking to Charlie’s room, he could hear his son’s animated voice. Turning the knob, he pushed it open to see Charlie sitting on the floor, talking into his phone. “Six times! It wasn’t my favorite, though. The Star Wars ride was really cool, but there’s going to be even more Star Wars stuff when I go back the next time. And my mom’s getting married. Are you at Stella’s? Dad says you don’t want to talk to him. How come? But you wanna talk to me, right? When are you coming back? I got you presents.”

  Adam’s stomach curled into a ball. She’d answered—that was saying something, wasn’t it?

  “I love you, too. Yeah. He’s right here,” Charlie said, turning to give Adam a half-sheepish, half-defiant look. He passed Adam the phone.

  “Do we need to chat about you waiting for permission to do something?”

  Charlie shook his head and walked out of the room. Adam hated the sadness in his eyes and the way he dropped his shoulders. Why couldn’t things be simple?

  Adam looked at his phone, then swallowed down the nest of butterflies trying to break free from his throat. He put his phone to his ear.

  “Megan?”

  “Adam.”

  Her voice sounded broken, the way he felt inside. Everything rushed to the surface, pummeling his senses—need, want, and, most of all, love. Why had he been scared to say it? To feel it? Even if everything fell apart, it couldn’t possibly feel worse than not being with her right now. But he couldn’t tell her over the phone. He needed to see her face and let her see he meant it. He was drowning in the overwhelming realization of how much he needed her in his life. And he’d blown it.

  “He wants to see you,” Adam said, his voice barely above a whisper.

  “I know. I need a few days before I can handle it. You’re still taking him to Yorkville?”

  “Yes. In the morning.” Come home. Come home.

  “I’ll pack all my things out while you’re gone. I’m staying at Stella’s. When you get back, you can bring Charlie here.”

  “Megan.”

  “What?”

  “I miss you.” That wasn’t what he planned to say. But it was true.

  “I can’t do this.”

  “I’m sorry. I need to see you. There’s so much I need to say to you.”

  “There’s nothing to say.” Her voice cracked, severing a piece of his heart. He’d done this to her. He didn’t deserve her. But God, he wanted her. Needed her more than he wanted to.

  “Come home,” he whispered.

  She made a strange noise that might have been a sob. “I have to go.”

  She hung up, and Adam stared at his phone, hurt spreading through his body like a virus. An unstoppable, life-altering virus. His phone buzzed again, almost immediately, giving him a start. Work. He was on damn vacation as far as his work was concerned. Originally, he’d booked a few days off for him and Charlie, but at the moment, he wasn’t sure if he’d go back.

  He declined the call. He had an interview Monday morning at the hospital, and though it made him nauseous to think of starting over, Adam knew things were different now. In a couple of short months, his priorities had shifted. A curtain had lifted, showing him that what he was fighting for and what he wanted were two different things.

  He found Charlie watching a movie, a scowl still set on his lips. Adam paused the movie and sat down next to his son.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t ask you about the school. I wanted it to be a surprise.”

  Charlie’s lip trembled. “Do I have to go?”

  It was a really good school, and Adam wanted his son to have the best of everything. But more than that, he wanted his son to be happy. “Could we compromise? How about I take you to see the school, you check it out, and if you don’t want to go there in September, you don’t have to?” It was time to stop making unilateral decisions. He’d spent so long trying not to feel that he’d forgotten how to consider other people’s feelings.

  “I get to choose?”

  Adam ruffled his hair. “You do.”

  Charlie nodded then looked down at his lap. “Is Megan mad at you?”

  “She is.”

  When he looked up, Charlie’s eyes were brimming with tears. “Is she mad at me?”

  Adam’s heart cracked, and he yanked his son onto his lap, hugging him tight. “No. Not even a little bit.”

  “Why’s she mad at you?”

  “I hurt her feelings,” Adam said.

  Leaning back, Charlie put both of his hands on Adam’s cheeks, making him smile. “Did you say sorry?”

  Nodding, Adam loosened his hold. “I did. But I don’t think sorry is enough this time. I need to do something to show her how sorry I am.”

  “Then she can come home?”

  Throat constricting, Adam nodded. “I hope so, bud. I just have to figure out how to show her that I want her to.”

  “You gotta buy her flowers and chocolate and something shiny,” Charlie said, his voice quite serious.

  Adam laughed. “All good ideas.”

  “And you could make her a card,” he said.

  “Good thinking. But not until after our trip, okay?”

  “Okay. Sorry I got mad at you.”

  Kissing his forehead, Adam hugged him again. “Me too, bud. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  The words warmed him, and he realized the words did matter. They felt good. They didn’t fix everything or ensure nothing would go south, but they felt like a promise. Like protection and caring and loyalty all wrapped together.

  They were a gift.

  “You need to head to bed. We’re leaving early in the morning.”

  Charlie scooted off his lap. “I’m going to make Meg a card, too.”

  “For what?”

  Charlie shrugged. “Just because. Do you want me to put your name on it with mine?”

  “Sure. Maybe we could even work on it together?”

  “Cool. Now?”

  Adam laughed. “No. Maybe while we’re taking a brea
k at the hotel over the next couple of days, okay?”

  Charlie hurried off to bed, and Adam spent a minute trying to gather his thoughts. His son had his back. Because that’s what happened when people loved you. They stepped up and did whatever needed to be done. There was no safety net, no absolutes. But the reward far outweighed the risk. Charlie was a perfect example of what came from taking a chance. Yet he’d held back ever since, scared that giving himself to anyone would only cause pain. It had hurt when he and Reece divorced, but there was so much happiness in Adam’s life, he couldn’t even regret it. Regret would be letting Megan walk out of his life without telling her—showing her that, even though he was scared, he wanted to try.

  Charlie fell asleep before Adam finished reading him a story, and it took some serious self-talk to man up enough to do what needed to be done next. Sitting at his kitchen table, the number already punched into his phone, he forced himself to dial. He held his breath until she picked up the phone.

  “Please don’t hang up. Just hear me out. Please.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  They were hovering, and it was driving Megan nuts. She was heartbroken, not an invalid. Garrett and Parker dropped by Stella’s each day with meals. Not that she was complaining about eating their food, but the pitying glances were unnecessary. She didn’t need pity. Just a heart transplant would do. Despite not speaking to Adam since Charlie had snuck in the phone call, she couldn’t stop thinking about either one of them unless she filled every single moment with something else. She finished organizing the files in Stella’s office and was about to see what other mundane chore she could find when Stella came into the room.

  “Hey. Four perfect Labrador puppies,” she said, her smile triumphant.

  And why shouldn’t it be? She’d just helped bring life into the world. When the owner of a very in labor brown lab had come bursting through the doors, in tears, saying her dog was in distress, Stella had calmly and efficiently instructed Megan to wait with the woman. Then she and her part-time assistant had gone to take care of the dog.

  “You’re a rock star. Seriously. You didn’t even flinch when she came in all crazy,” Megan said, leaning on Stella’s desk.