Blackest Night

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  A soft and sleepy smile tugged at the corners of her mouth even though she’d yet to open her eyes fully. I watched her expression as my hand slipped lower over her belly, taking the blanket with it. The corners of her mouth curled up even further and I knew she was wide awake. I was about to pull the blanket from her completely and roll her beneath me when the sound of a door scraping over carpet had me looking in horror at my bedroom door and the little person that was poking his head inside. “Daddy?”

  “Oh fuck!” I bolted upright, yanking the covers back up, making sure Cassie was covered and my lap as well. Her eyes shot open and she almost sat up until she realized what a bad idea that would be.

  Eli’s eyes bounced back and forth between the two of us. Cassie smiled through her grimace and gave him a little wave. He waved back, and I knew that no matter what excuse I gave him now, the damage was done. He was grinning ear to ear.

  “Hey, bud, why don’t you go pick out some clothes and head downstairs. I’ll be down there in just a minute to make you some pancakes?”

  “Is Cassie going to eat pancakes with us?” he asked hopefully.

  “Uh,” I struggled to come up with the right response to that. No answer seemed like a good one. “I don’t know. Maybe, kiddo.” Shit. Shit. Shit.

  “Okay, see you downstairs.” I could tell he meant both of us. He slipped from the room, pulling the door closed after him. I shoved the covers off and swung my legs over the side of the bed. “Shiiiit,” I groaned, letting my head fall into my hands for a moment.

  I felt the bed dip as Cassie sat up and climbed toward me. Her soft hand came down on my shoulder as she whispered, “I’m sorry.”

  I shrugged it off and stood with my back to her. “Don’t apologize. This was my fault.”

  “Okay,” she muttered. “What do you want me to do?”

  I turned to face her. “For starters, you should probably get dressed, and then I guess you’re coming downstairs for pancakes.”

  Her face twisted in anther grimace.

  “What? You don’t like pancakes?”

  “I do. It’s just that my clothes are downstairs.”

  Downstairs. Where I’d just told Eli to go.

  “Fuuuuuck,” I groaned again, hurriedly grabbing a pair of shorts from the basket of laundry sitting on top of my dresser, full of clothes that had yet to make it inside any of the drawers. I tugged them on and then rushed from the room, hopeful that Eli was still in his room, having one of his wardrobe dilemmas. Of course, I couldn’t be that lucky. His room was empty when I ducked my head in.

  I bounded down the stairs, spotting Cassie’s clothes strewn across the living room floor, where I’d tossed them, as I passed through to the kitchen. Eli was sitting at the breakfast counter on his usual stool, where he liked to watch me cook, or pour cereal depending on what level of parenting I felt up to in the morning. He shot me a big smile and then asked, “Where’s Cassie?”

  “She’s still upstairs, buddy. She’ll be down in a minute.”

  “Okay. How come her clothes are all over the floor?”

  Could this morning get any worse?

  “Because, girls are messy.” It was a terrible explanation, but the first one that fell off my tongue, so I was going with it now and hopefully he would buy it. “They sometimes leave their clothes all over the place.”

  “Oh.”

  “So, pancakes,” I said, walking over to the cupboard that contained the mix. “Do you want sausage or bacon with them this morning?”

  “What does Cassie like?”

  I let out a heavy breath, “I don’t know, kiddo. I’m sure she likes both, so just pick what you want.”

  “Okay. Bacon.”

  “Pancakes and bacon it is.” I set a skillet on the stove, so it could start heating and then I grabbed a banana off the counter. “How about you start with this while I go check on Cassie.”

  He accepted the banana and went to work on peeling it, while I gathered up Cassie’s clothes from the various places they’d landed. She was coming down the stairs as I started up. She’d stolen a pair of my cotton pajama bottoms and a t-shirt from my laundry basket. If I hadn’t been so busy losing my shit over Eli finding her in my bed, I would have taken the stairs three at a time, thrown her over my shoulder, carted her back to my room, tossed her down on the bed, stripped her of my clothes and fucked her so good and hard that she woke the neighbors. That’s what seeing her in my clothes did to me. But I couldn’t focus on anything except the mess we’d made. The mess I’d made by allowing her to fall asleep in my bed and then doing the same without setting an alarm.

  “Is this okay?” she asked, uncertainly.

  “Yeah,” I sighed, and then I held her rumpled clothes out to her. She tucked them under one arm and then followed me to the kitchen. Her demeanor changed when she saw Eli. They both brightened up and she walked over and kissed him on top of the head and then slid onto the stool beside him. “Good morning.”

  Eli started chattering and she listened while I got breakfast started. The entire time they were talking, I was wracking my brain, trying to find a way to make all of this make sense to Eli. The entire situation was fucked. I’d never had a woman stay over any of the nights Eli was with me. Not once. Those two worlds didn’t mix. Except I’d put Cassie right in the middle of both.

  There wasn’t much I could do about it right now, though. As I was serving up the food onto plates, Cassie hopped up from her stool. “I just have to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back. This looks and smells delicious.” She disappeared around the corner and I set the three plates on the counter and slid onto the stool on Eli’s other side.

  “Dad?”

  I paused with my fork halfway to my mouth and looked at Eli who’d yet to pick his fork up. “Yeah, bud?” I was almost afraid of whatever was on his mind.

  “I think it’s cool that Cassie stayed the night.”

  “You do?” I let out a weary sigh.

  “Yeah. I think I’d like it if she stayed the night every night.”

  Damn it. This is exactly what I was afraid of.

  “Listen, bud, I don’t think—”

  “Am I going to have a mom again?” he blurted.

  “Eli, bud—”

  “Because I was thinking that Cassie could be my second mom like how I got another dad because Mom married Mike. If you married Cassie, then—”

  “Eli,” I stopped him and watched some of the hope in his eyes fade at the sharp tone of my voice. “I know you like Cassie a lot, but I’m not planning to marry her.”

  “Why not? Don’t you like her?”

  I set my fork down and pinched the bridge of my nose while I struggled to find the best way to explain this to a seven-year-old. “I do, kiddo, but Cassie’s just my friend. And she only slept over last night because she got sleepy during the movie like you did.”

  “Oh.” Disappointment settled into his features and he finally picked up his fork and began pushing the bits of pancake around his plate. “I miss Mom.”

  “I know you do.”

  A throat cleared behind us and then Cassie bounced back over to her stool, sliding onto it as if she didn’t have a worry in the world. I had no idea if she’d overheard any of our conversation.

  We got through breakfast and then the three of us piled into my truck to take him to school.

  “Will you be picking me up?” he asked before climbing out of the truck once we’d pulled up outside the school.

  “Yeah, bud. I don’t have to work today, so I’ll be here after school.”

  “Cool,” he grinned. “Will you be here too?” He looked at Cassie.

  “Uh,” she stammered. “I don’t think so. I have to go home and help my Grandmama around the house today.”

  “Oh,” he said, his head falling as his fingers fidgeted with the zipper on his backpack and I knew he was trying to hide how bummed he was. This was the exact shit I hadn’t wanted to happen. Then his head snapped up. “Maybe we could come ove
r to your house today?”

  “Oh,” Cassie looked to me for help.

  “We’ve got to go to Uncle Spence and Aunt Nora’s for dinner. Maybe another day, bud. Right now, you better get inside the school.”

  We watched him all the way to the playground where he joined the other kids running around, waiting for the bell to signal the start of the school day. The silence that settled in the truck was weighted. I could practically hear what she wasn’t saying. She was waiting for me to be the one to break it, but fuck if I knew what to say either. I was pissed off, mostly at myself, but at her too, for making me go out of my damn mind with wanting her to the point that I didn’t think about what could happen.

  We were nearly to her house before she finally gave up waiting on me to say something. “Are we going to have a conversation at any point this morning, or are you going to sit there and sulk right up ‘til you kick me out of the truck?”

  “What is it that you want me to say?” I glanced over at her.

  “I don’t know, but something. Tell me what you’re thinking so I can quit panicking over here. I know this morning wasn’t ideal.”

  I snorted. “No. It wasn’t.”

  “But it happened.”

  “Because I screwed up,” I bit out.

  “Okay,” she dragged out, “but maybe it’s not quite the crisis you think it is.”

  I pulled the truck in front of her house and shut off the engine. “My kid walked in on you naked in my bed and then saw your underwear thrown across the living room. Maybe how this affects him doesn’t really matter to you, but forgive me for being fucking concerned after everything he’s already been through.”

  “Don’t. That’s not fair.”

  “Don’t what, Cass?”

  “You know I care a hell of a lot about Eli, and I would never want to see him get hurt. Don’t treat me like I’m just some heartless whore who didn’t know when to leave. I’m sorry this morning happened. I’m sorry if it made things complicated for you, or confusing for Eli. I didn’t want that. But you’ve been scowling at me all morning like I did this intentionally. Just tell me what you want me to do.”

  “Just drop it, Cass. It’s done now. You don’t need to worry about it. I’ll handle Eli. Just head inside.” I jerked my head toward her house.

  “No. I am worried about it. You’re clearly upset with me, which means you blame me.” The look she gave me dared me to deny it, to tell her she was wrong and that I didn’t blame her. I couldn’t, because maybe she was partly right, even if it wasn’t fair.

  “Cassie, just go inside,” I said, exhaling some of my frustration. “We can talk about this later. Right now, I have other shit I need to take care of. I don’t have time to argue with you.”

  “I’m not trying to argue with you,” she threw back.

  “Good. Then I’ll talk to you later.”

  “What do you have to do that’s so important you can’t take ten minutes to just talk to me? We need to talk about this,” she waved a finger between the two of us. “Not just this morning, but last night.”

  “I’m beginning to think that last night was entirely a mistake.” I scraped a hand through my hair, pulling at the ends.

  She looked like I’d smacked her across the face, and not just because it was still bruised up. “You’re an asshole, and clearly a liar. You said you were done with the bullshit games.”

  I squeezed the steering wheel and spoke through a clenched jaw. “This isn’t a fucking game, Cassie. I’m sorry if your feelings are getting hurt, but I have to put Eli first.”

  “I know that. I respect that. You’re a good dad, but it doesn’t mean you have to be a dick to me. Eli’s going to get over this morning. He’s going to be fine. Whatever you tell him, he’ll be okay with it. He’s a strong kid. We can’t take last night or this morning back, so, can we just move on, and not go back to the way things were? Because I’m really tired of not knowing if I should hate you or not one day to the next.” She blew out a defeated breath and guilt socked me in the gut. I was being a dick.

  “I don’t want to go back to that either. So, yeah, I guess we just move past it, but if you’re looking for me to have some answers about what this even is, I don’t have them.”

  “I’m not looking for you to profess your undying devotion to me. There’s something between us, though. Maybe it’s just sex and it will burn out, but the only way we’ll figure it out is to take this one day at a time. We’ll just try to avoid any more sleepovers that end like this morning’s.”

  “Okay.” I could handle that.

  “Then I’ll let you go take care of whatever it is you have today, and talk to you later?”

  “Yeah. I have nanny interviews with Nora, and Eli and I are having dinner with her and Spence tonight, but I’ll text you or something.”

  A slight frown pinched her brow. “About the nanny thing, why don’t I just do it?”

  “Cass, you have a job and I can’t exactly fit my work schedule around yours.”

  “I know that,” her eyes did a little roll. “I mean, it’s not like I was planning to stay at the coffee shop forever. Nora knows I’ve been looking for something else, and at least I would actually enjoy watching Eli while I figure out what I’m doing with my life.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” I said carefully.

  “Why not? I do.”

  “Look, if we’re doing whatever it is we’re doing, then I don’t want Eli growing anymore attached to you than he already is.”

  “I don’t understand? You don’t want me to have anything to do with him? Nikolai, I would never put him in the middle of us. I can keep whatever we’re doing separate.”

  “For fuck’s sake, Cassie, he already asked if you were going to be his new mom this morning. He doesn’t need to get any more ideas in his head.”

  “Fine. I understand.” It was clear though, that she didn’t. She threw open the door to the truck and climbed out. “You know,” she turned her hurt expression on me, “it feels an awful lot like you’re punishing me for something I didn’t even do.”

  “Believe me, you’ll know when I’m punishing you. And I intend to,” I said darkly. I wondered if she could see in my eyes that I was already imagining pinking her ass good for the headache I had after all this.

  A dry laugh fell from her lips even as she shifted on her feet and ducked her eyes briefly, but not before I saw them flare at my words. “Maybe you were right, and last night was a mistake.” She kicked at the pavement and then met my gaze again. “I don’t know if I want to do this.” I held her conflicted stare until the moment she shoved the door closed between us and shuffled off toward the front door.

  I sat outside in the truck for a few minutes contemplating the mess we’d made. The mess I’d made, because this shit was on me, but I wasn’t prepared to do anything about it right now. I had other, more pressing concerns.

  For starters, I wanted to check with Jones. He hadn’t reported anything on Mike last night, but despite the fact that I’d reassured Cassie our late-night visitor was nothing, I wasn’t entirely convinced.

  Our conversation lasted about two minutes and he had nothing useful for me. According to him, Mike returned to the hotel around eight last night after an uneventful day, and he didn’t see him leave the hotel again until this morning. Didn’t mean he hadn’t slipped backed out and got past Jones, but it didn’t mean that he had either. As this point, I had nothing but suspicions. Jones sounded competent enough, and Spence wouldn’t even be giving him a chance if he didn’t think so, but I found it difficult to rely on the word of someone I didn’t know.

  What I wanted to know, was why Mike was even still in town. His ass should have been on a plane back to Texas, unless he was lying to me. Before I called him and asked him, I placed another call to Vik.

  He had more to report.

  I’d just hung up with him when I pulled into my driveway. I threw the door to the truck open and stormed up the walk. I practi
cally wrenched the front door off its hinges and kicked it shut behind me. I tossed my cell down on the coffee table before I threw it into the wall.

  “That motherfucking sonuvabitch,” I roared. I was going to kill him. Everything Vik and the guys had dug up yesterday pointed to Mike being mixed up in shady business. Two years ago, he’d been on the verge of losing his company and filing bankruptcy—the cost of trying to keep manufacturing in the US too high. Then, all the sudden, there was an influx of money and he bought up the port facility. Must have been when the cartel got him, because there was no doubt in my mind that’s who he was mixed up with. The guys tore his life apart until they uncovered the trail of money that led them straight to Mexico. For two years that bastard was working with them.

  For two motherfucking years he’d been doing business with the cartel and living under the same roof as my kid. Now, it looked like he might have gotten Lisa killed, or might have even killed her himself. Whatever business he’d been doing seemed to have ended. The guys had managed to find the hidden bank accounts and there wasn’t any more money coming into them. There hadn’t been in over a month.

  You didn’t just stop doing business with the cartel. They stopped doing business with you, and when that happened, your life expectancy dropped drastically. I didn’t care if the dumb fuck got himself killed, but he’d put my son in danger. I wasn’t just going to kill him, not quickly anyway.

  I had to call Spence next to talk me down, because the way I was feeling, I wanted to hop back in my truck and drive over to the hotel and toss Mike’s ass off the roof. After beating the ever-loving shit out of him.

  Spence convinced me to think of Eli and what would happen to him if I landed in jail. It was the right thing for him to say, and possibly the only thing that could have talked me out of going through with it. It was best for me and Eli if I stayed far away from him right now.

  I managed to stay calm when I called him next.

  “You still in town?” I asked him straight away, though I knew that he was.