Drive Me Crazy

by Portia MacIntosh

  I laugh a little too hard, causing that sick feeling to come back a little.

  ‘Shit, don’t start throwing up again. Never seen anything like it.’ He laughs.

  ‘Was it bad?’

  ‘I’ve seen some things…and I’ve never seen anyone projectile vomit like that before. You hit the ceiling.’

  ‘I was angry?’

  ‘No, you literally vomited on the ceiling.’

  I throw my head in my hands.

  ‘Oh God, I’m so embarrassed. Where?’

  ‘The corridor on the way to the room.’

  ‘Oh, shit! No wonder they wouldn’t make me toast.’

  Danny laughs, ruffling my hair. ‘Right, think we need sleep,’ he says, climbing out of bed and stretching out, flexing his muscles in a way that makes me wonder whether he’s doing it for my benefit, not unlike a peacock spreading it’s beautiful feathers to impress the birds. ‘Want me to sleep in the bath?’

  ‘Don’t be daft,’ I reply. ‘We can sleep in the same bed. I think we’re way past what’s appropriate, don’t you?’ I laugh.

  ‘You’re learning well, Padawan,’ he says as he hops back in. ‘I’m proud of you.’

  ‘What did you call me?’ I ask.

  ‘Padawan… Don’t tell me you don’t get Star Wars references?’

  ‘I had a boyfriend, remember?’ I tease.

  ‘Yeah, well, with respect, he wasn’t exactly a catch.’

  ‘And you are?’ I ask.

  ‘I am,’ he replies confidently. ‘I’m a regular Han Solo.’

  ‘I have no idea what that means,’ I reply as I roll over to face away from him, making myself comfortable.

  I close my eyes, ready for my first decent night’s sleep of the trip, but it isn’t to be. Just as I feel myself drifting off, the sound of two people having sex in the room above is quietly audible. At first it’s just the creaking of the bed and the occasional murmurs of ecstasy, but then, all at once, things get loud. As though the banging sounds and screams weren’t bad enough, the light fitting in our room must be loose because it’s making a noise and flickering like we’re at a rave. I quickly flick it off, but with our sense of sight shut off, our hearing becomes heightened.

  ‘Yes…yes…yes…’ the lady upstairs moans repeatedly, slowly but steadily, with just a few seconds separating each word.

  ‘Am I handsome?’ I hear Danny ask.

  ‘Yes…’ the woman seemingly replies.

  ‘Are Macs better than PCs?’

  ‘Yes…’ the woman predictably replies.

  ‘Did Candy secretly enjoy dancing in the strip club with me?’

  ‘Yes…’

  I can’t help but laugh. Just like that, the awkwardness is gone.

  ‘You have a go,’ he tells me.

  I wait to get the timing right.

  ‘Is Will a wanker?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes…’

  ‘It’s a like a Magic Eight Ball.’ He laughs. ‘Will I ever be a millionaire?’

  ‘Yes…’

  ‘Will I marry Matthew McConaughey?’ I chime in.

  ‘Yes…’

  ‘Are you faking it?’ Danny asks her, and perfectly timed, the woman lets out one final long, loud ‘yes’ before it’s silent again.

  We laugh together before eventually everything is silent again.

  ‘Night, nerd,’ I say as I close my eyes.

  ‘Night, bro,’ he replies.

  Chapter 26

  It’s Monday morning, and I’m feeling loads better – despite not getting much sleep, because the couple upstairs were at it like rabbits, having these frantic sex sessions, a quick rest period and then getting straight back to it. I do feel loads better though, so much so I just ate four slices of toast that Danny made me. Four! I realise that sounds like a lot, but I left my crusts, so there’s a few calories saved. Here’s the thing: I don’t care. I don’t just feel well, I feel alive. I’m ready for whatever Danny has to throw at me today.

  Our next stop is Birmingham, and today the weather today is absolutely sweltering. You know how we have crappy weather all year round, except for that one day in summer where we get three months’ worth of heat over twenty-four intense hours? Well that day is today, and the Love Bug is like an oven. I really need to convince Danny to get a better car. It’s not that his car isn’t cool and it’s not like he hasn’t spent money doing it up, but there’s just so much stuff that cars have now that I realise I’ve been taking for granted. Things like air conditioning, electric windows, more than one door that opens – you know, standard stuff.

  But Danny refuses to trade it in, which is sort of sweet, I guess. Will is the kind of guy who moves on to other women when he’s bored of his current one, and Danny is the kind of guy who is loyal even to his car, and even when it’s letting him down.

  I feel like Danny is someone I could be really good friends with. Yes, he’s got me in some bother, but he’s taken care of me. Even back on the first day when I was throwing my guts up over the side of the boat, he went out of his way to make me feel better, and that corny bangle story I sold to his family – I might have made it sound mushier than it was for effect, but it was essentially true. I fucked up; he was there to pick up the pieces. That’s exactly the sort of friends I need in my life, especially now I’m going to lose a bit of Amy to wedded bliss.

  ‘So we’re not visiting the office today?’ Danny asks as he drives through Birmingham.

  ‘Nope,’ I reply. ‘We’re not visiting any more offices, full stop.’

  ‘Badass.’ He laughs. ‘Well, we can do whatever we want then. What do you fancy?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I reply. ‘I’ve never been here before.’

  ‘I worked here for a few months; I can show you the sights.’ Danny thinks for a moment. ‘Well, I’d take you to Cadbury World, but I don’t want you to get overwhelmed by all the calories and have a panic attack,’ he teases.

  I laugh sarcastically. I don’t know what Cadbury World is like, but I imagine it to be like Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory, and the mood I’m in today I’d be like Augustus Gloop, drinking from the chocolate river. Of course, we all know what happens to him, so maybe that’s not such a great idea.

  ‘I noticed that the circus is in town…but you don’t strike me as the kind of girl who has much time for clowns. I know what we’ll do,’ Danny announces.

  ‘Why am I worried?’ I ask.

  ‘Let’s just go get checked in and then you’ll see,’ he tells me mysteriously.

  Chapter 27

  Danny has his hands over my eyes as he steers me into a building. Two days ago, this would have felt like a suicide mission and there’s no way I would have let him do this. Today, I’m actually quite excited.

  ‘Ta-da,’ he announces, removing his hands from my eyes so I can take in my surroundings.

  The large room is alive with screens of various sizes – more than I have ever seen in one place in my life – and flashing, colourful lights are everywhere. There’s an elaborate-looking bar in the corner, made up of Tetris blocks, which looks pretty cool. The place is busy with people, all engaging in different video games. Upon closer inspection some of the people aren’t real at all, they’re life-size statues of what I’d imagine are video game characters – a few of them look familiar – but it’s hard to tell who is real and who is a statue because some of the people appear to be in fancy dress, I think, unless it’s a geeky style thing.

  ‘What is this place?’ I ask, amazed.

  ‘It’s a gaming bar,’ Danny informs me, although I suppose I’d guessed as much. ‘I told you, we need to expand your geeky knowledge.’

  ‘Oh, you mean you’re going to make me play video games with you and get my arse handed to me.’ I laugh. ‘Well this may surprise you, mister, because I might be out of touch with gaming these days, but I was quite the Sega Mega Drive player when I was a kid.’

  ‘You had a Mega Drive?’ he asks, clearly amazed I did anything for fun other th
an stare at my Barbie dolls and wonder how I too could get a waist as thin as my neck.

  ‘I did. You may not know this, but it wasn’t a particularly cool thing for little girls to be into, so I didn’t pursue gaming as a hobby.’

  ‘What was your favourite game then?’ he asks.

  ‘Streets of Rage,’ I reply confidently. ‘Specifically, Streets of Rage 2.’

  Streets of Rage is a side-scrolling beat-’em-up game, very typical of its time. It was simple: fight your way through levels of bad guys before battling the final boss. Just because it was clear to follow, doesn’t mean it was easy though, and I lost hours to it as a kid.

  ‘Did you complete it?’ he asks.

  I shake my head.

  ‘Nope. Only child, none of my friends were into it – I feel like if I’d had someone to play co-op with me, I would have nailed it, but I always had to go it alone.’

  ‘Well they have a Mega Drive here,’ he informs me. ‘So you might be in luck. Fancy a game?’

  I nod my head excitedly.

  Soon enough we’re plonked down in front of a big screen, sitting on a boxy-shaped sofa that Danny informs me is inspired by something called Minecraft. As I examine the wired, tatty-looking controller in my hands, the familiarity of the directional arrows and the A B C buttons comes back to me. It feels right in my hands, and it reminds me of when I was a kid. In an instant, all my happy childhood memories with my parents rush through my veins and leave me with this warm, joyful feeling all over.

  ‘Ready to kick some arse?’ Danny asks.

  I give him a serious nod. ‘Let’s do this.’

  It takes us a while, but we do it. We beat the game, and I feel like I have resolved some unfinished business that has been hanging over me my entire life, without me ever realising it. We slap each other a double high five, much to the amusement of the people around us. As we were playing, a little crowd gathered around us, cheering us on as we progressed through the levels.

  ‘They have a café here too,’ Danny tells me. ‘Want to grab something to eat?’

  ‘Sure,’ I reply. ‘I’m starving.’

  We stroll into the futuristic-looking café and take a seat at one of the tables. A waitress places two menus down in front of us.

  ‘Can I order for you?’ Danny asks excitedly.

  ‘OK, sure,’ I reply. ‘But go easy on me. I’m still recovering from my heart-attack burger.’

  The waitress comes over, and Danny tells her what we’ll be having. I’m excited to see what he chooses, but at the same time still a little nervous.

  ‘Any drinks?’ she asks.

  ‘Can we get two Resident Evils, please,’ he says, smiling at me.

  ‘And to eat?’

  ‘Two Mario Mushrooms, please.’

  ‘Sure thing,’ she replies, dashing off.

  ‘Oh God, go on…’ I say, prompting him to tell me what I’ve got myself into.

  ‘You look worried.’ He laughs. ‘Don’t be. Resident Evils are cranberry juice, lime and sparkling water. A Mario Mushroom is an omelette.’

  I stare him, surprised by his healthy choices.

  ‘What? You think all gamers eat is crap?’ He laughs. ‘I eat clean.’

  Thinking about it, I suppose he would have to eat relatively clean to maintain a body like his.

  ‘OK, what’s the deal with that?’ I ask.

  ‘What?’ He laughs.

  ‘I don’t mean to stereotype,’ I start, lowering my voice just in case I offend anyone, ‘but your typical nerd doesn’t have muscles like Max from Streets of Rage.’

  ‘So?’ He laughs again.

  ‘So you didn’t get like that playing Wii Fit,’ I tell him.

  The waitress places our drinks down in front of us. Danny lifts his glass, looking at me thoughtfully as he drinks through the straw.

  ‘You said earlier that it wasn’t cool for girls to play Mega Drive when you were a kid – well it wasn’t that cool for lads either,’ he tells me. ‘I was a chubby, gaming nerd and that made me an easy target for bullying. So as I hit my teens and I started leaning-out, I started going to the gym. I built up some muscle and even though it stopped me getting my arse kicked, I’ve always been that chubby nerd on the inside.’

  ‘That worked?’ I ask.

  ‘It did. By year 11, when I was tall and with decent muscle mass, I was breezing through life as a nerd. I remember the last World Book Day I dressed up for at school, I was Frodo from Lord of the Rings.’

  I shrug my shoulders.

  ‘Have you seen the films?’ he asks.

  I give him a look intended to convey: ‘Of course I fucking haven’t.’

  ‘Have you ever seen any images of Elijah Wood’s character in the films?’

  ‘Yes,’ I reply.

  ‘Well that’s Frodo.’

  ‘Makes sense with the hair.’ I laugh.

  ‘Well, who is going tell a tough-looking kid he can’t be Frodo if he wants to be Frodo?’

  ‘Good point.’ I smile.

  The waitress places two delicious-looking omelettes down in front of us.

  ‘Enjoy,’ she says, and we both thank her.

  ‘So all this…’ I gesture at his body ‘…is to scare off predators?’

  ‘Well, it turn out the chicks dig it, so I stuck with it.’ He laughs with his mouth full. ‘But originally, yes, I puffed myself up like a blowfish.’

  ‘Who messes with a blowfish, Jesse?’ I ask rhetorically, doing my best Walter White impression without thinking.

  ‘Was that Breaking Bad?’ Danny asks, surprised. ‘Did you just quote Breaking Bad?’

  ‘Erm, yes,’ I reply. ‘I love it.’

  ‘This surprises me,’ he admits. ‘Never had you down as a Breaking Bad kind of girl.’

  ‘Well, Netflix is bae – what else am I going to do with my time?’ I laugh.

  ‘I just had you down as more of a TOWIE, Made in Chelsea, Geordie Shore kind of girl.’

  ‘Oh, cheers,’ I reply. ‘Nope, never watched an episode of them. Geordie Shore is your turf, not mine.’

  ‘I met a bird from Geordie Shore once,’ he tells me. ‘Gemma or Jenna or something. Blonde bird. Huge, fake boobs. Too much fake tan.’

  I think that’s supposed to mean something to me, but it doesn’t.

  ‘It wasn’t long after the show started, and I was living back in the hometown for a short job, sharing a flat with this lad called Rocky – never found out his real name. Anyway, he would bring different birds back all the time. I’m not sure I ever witnessed him spend more than a couple of nights alone. One night he brings back this bird from Geordie Shore and they were at it all night, and I mean all night. They were so loud, you’d think cameras were on them. The next day I get up and she’s sat at the table in her underwear, eating cereal. I awkwardly drank my coffee as she got through two bowls, assuring me Rocky had told her she could see herself out. I was out late that night, and when I got home I could hear Rocky at it with someone. Next morning I get up and Rocky has gone to work, but this same lass is sitting there, eating cereal. Five days she stuck around. Every day I would get up and there she’d be, eating breakfast. After one day Rocky wants her gone, but she just wasn’t going anywhere. It was hilarious.’

  I laugh. ‘You’ve got some stories,’ I tell him.

  ‘A few. But you must have some too.’

  I shrug my shoulders.

  ‘Come on,’ he reasons, but as hard as I try, I don’t have anything.

  ‘I have a few after this week.’ I laugh. ‘But no, nothing.’

  ‘No awkward moments? No holiday romances? No awkward one-nighters with Z-list celebrities?’

  ‘Nope. I never had any wild teenage years because I was looking after my parents, then I got with Will not too long after that. Oh, actually…’ My voice trails off.

  ‘Go on,’ Danny prompts as he eats.

  I push the food around on my plate a little.

  ‘No, it’s not a nice story,’ I insist.
<
br />   ‘Come on, try me.’

  ‘I had a one-night stand – my one and only one-night stand,’ I quickly add.

  ‘You dark horse.’ Danny laughs. ‘What happened?’

  ‘It was sort of while I was seeing Will, actually. We had this night in a hotel planned after a work party, but then his wife turned up and he not only ignored me all night, but he told me I’d have to leave. I was upset – and that was when I was thinking it was because they were pretending to still be together, not because they were actually still together. He wasn’t very nice to me that night and I was upset, so by the time I’d got a few drinks in me I told him I wasn’t going to do this any more, to which he said “fine” – although he later told me he was calling my bluff, but at the time I thought he meant it, that I meant so little to him. That’s why it was so easy for me to go over and flirt with Liam after our argument, one of the young drivers. Will looked furious – I think that’s why he got so upset when he would see me talking to you.’

  ‘Yeah, that explains a lot.’ Danny laughs. ‘So what happened?’

  ‘Long story short, Liam took me back to his flat. It was awful. A disgusting, dirty place in the attic above a Chinese takeaway. After you climbed all the stairs you walked into his grubby kitchen. He poured me a vodka and Coke in a pint glass and it was so strong it made me feel sick. I remember setting it down to one side with no intention of drinking it and hoping I didn’t offend him. Then he showed me into the other room and it turns out he didn’t even have a bed, just a tatty old sofa with an old duvet on top. It was a single duvet, with Thunderbirds bedding on it, but it was all faded like maybe he’d had it since he was a kid or he’d picked it up from a charity shop.’

  ‘Oh, nice,’ Danny says sarcastically. ‘So you…’

  ‘Yep,’ I admit. ‘On the floor. It lasted all of five minutes before he – honest to God – announced: “I’m spent” and rolled off me. It was gross and horrible. He had the worst carpet burn on his knees to show for his efforts, and for a moment he sat and picked at his skin. I just lay there, on the floor, almost shell-shocked and most definitely not in the least bit satisfied. There’s no way in hell I wanted to stick around, but it didn’t matter. He asked me to leave, like he was done with me so I needed to get out. He slapped me a high five as I left. So, that was that.’