Drive Me Crazy

by Portia MacIntosh

  ‘That’s not a nice story at all; that’s horrible,’ Danny gasps.

  ‘I warned you,’ I tell him, setting my fork down because I’ve lost my appetite suddenly.

  ‘Does he still work there?’

  ‘Nope. I was wracked with guilt and all it did was push me back towards Will. I told him the next morning. He was furious with me – and even more so with Liam. He transferred him to a different branch of the company.’

  ‘Which one?’

  ‘Birmingham.’ I laugh.

  ‘Shit, no wonder you don’t want to go there,’ Danny says. ‘So, note to self, help Candy have more anecdotes that won’t make the person listening to them want to kill themself when they hear it. Can we go there so I can punch him in the face, please?’

  I laugh. ‘He’s not worth it.’

  The waitress wanders over when she notices that Danny’s plate is clean and that I am not eating.

  ‘Everything OK?’ she asks.

  ‘Great thanks,’ Danny replies.

  ‘Great,’ I echo. ‘Just full.’

  ‘Any desserts?’ she asks, nodding towards the dessert board on the wall.

  ‘Two Rainbow Rocky Roads, please,’ Danny says.

  ‘That doesn’t sound like clean eating,’ I say once the waitress is gone.

  ‘Yeah, but pudding is pudding. If it were clean, it wouldn’t be worth it. Plus, I think we both need cheering up after that story.’

  ‘Yeah. Sorry,’ I say weakly.

  ‘Don’t apologise,’ he insists. ‘Just promise me you won’t ever let another man treat you like crap again, because you’re an awesome lass. Naive, maybe. A little bit of a fuddy-duddy at times, yes. Borderline stuck up, perhaps – ’

  ‘OK, I get it,’ I interrupt him, sufficiently offended.

  ‘But, you’re sweet and you’re funny and you’re a top lass. Any man would be lucky to have you.’

  I am temporarily taken aback by such a sweet and sincere compliment. I don’t really know what to say, but it doesn’t matter because the waitress puts our desserts down in front of us.

  It’s a delicious-looking, chocolaty rocky road, except its insides are all kinds of different colours, making it brighter and more beautiful-looking than your average slice. Just looking at it causes my mouth to fill with saliva in anticipation.

  ‘It’s things like that that make me think I could be fat and happy,’ I joke, grabbing my fork.

  Danny laughs. ‘It’s just nice to see you eat,’ he says, quickly adding, ‘without you throwing up on my car afterwards.’

  ‘I know I’ve said it a billion times,’ I start, placing my fork down for a second, but instantly wanting to pick it back up and eat, ‘but I am sorry about that.’

  ‘It’s fine,’ he assures me. ‘Some people are worth swilling bodily fluids off your car for.’

  ‘Ew! Yes, I bet it’s seen worse,’ I say, grossed-out but amused.

  ‘Actually, I don’t think it’s ever seen better,’ he replies.

  Chapter 28

  Running through the street, dodging the pedestrians speed-walking in the opposite direction not unlike something from a video game, with nothing but a copy of the Birmingham Post to protect me from the elements, I couldn’t feel happier. Today has been so much fun, despite it being the hottest day of the year fast turning into the wettest day of the year with the loudest thunderstorm of the year.

  When we decided to walk from the hotel to wherever it was Danny was taking me today, my concern was that it was too warm. Turns out what I really needed to worry about was having to walk back in the heavy rain. Every time the thunder claps I can’t help but squeak, but a particularly loud rumble really makes me jump, causing me to drop my newspaper umbrella on the ground. I go to pick it up but it’s already soggy, so Danny pulls me underneath the shelter of a fire escape between two buildings.

  ‘God, you’re so girly I want to push you in front of traffic,’ he jokes. ‘We’re nearly there now. I can actually see the hotel.’

  ‘Can we just rest for a minute?’ I ask. ‘My feet are killing me.’

  ‘That’s because your shoes are basically a weapon,’ he tells me.

  I laugh, shivering a little because the rain is surprisingly cold.

  ‘Come here, kid,’ Danny insists, wrapping his arms around me, rubbing his hands on my back to try and warm me up.

  A droplet of water drips from the staircase above us and lands right on my nose, so Danny pushes me back against the wall out of the way, bringing a hand forward to gently wipe my face with the backs of his fingers before embracing me with both arms again. With his body pressed up against mine, his arms wrapped around me and his face just inches from my own, the noise of the city and the storm slowly fade out, until it’s just us. All I can see is Danny, all I can hear is his heavy breathing from running, all I can smell is his aftershave. We stare at each other for a moment and I get that feeling I always get when he looks into my eyes, like he knows exactly what I am thinking and how I’m feeling. Today, I don’t mind, but that bothers me even more.

  I wriggle free from his grasp. ‘Look, the rain has stopped,’ I say awkwardly, stepping out onto the pavement. Whether the rain had stopped or not, I needed to move to get out of that situation.

  ‘Candy, look out,’ Danny warns, but it’s too late. A car drives past at such a speed, ploughing through the puddle next to me, spraying me with water. All that effort to try and keep dry and I’m soaked. As I stand there, dripping wet, Danny joins me on the pavement…just as the sun comes back out.

  Danny lets out a little laugh at my expense, but it’s awkward now. Whatever kind of moment we were having, I ruined. But I can’t have moments with Danny, for all kinds of reasons.

  We walk back the rest of the way to the hotel in silence, before heading up to the room. I unlock the door and step to one side so that Danny can walk in first, but he doesn’t.

  ‘I might go and chill in the bar for a bit,’ he says, nodding down the corridor towards where the bar is.

  ‘Yeah? Well, I’m just going to have a bath so…’

  ‘OK, cool,’ he replies.

  We pause for a second, before we both open our mouths to speak at the same time. I’m not even sure what I was going to say, because as soon as we realise the other is about to say something we pause again.

  ‘OK,’ I say, eventually. ‘Well, see you.’

  ‘Yep,’ he replies, strolling off slowly. He glances back a couple of times, before meaningfully walking the rest of the way.

  I head inside and close the door behind me, looking at my soggy reflection in the mirror.

  ‘What the hell are you doing?’ I ask myself. Before my reflection has a chance to reply, there’s a knock on the door. My first thought is that it’s Danny, that he’s come back to say whatever it is that he was going to say before. As I open the door and see that no one is there, it occurs to me that if it were Danny, he would’ve just used his key. With no one there, I close the door and head back in. As I slowly peel off my wet clothes, there’s a knock at the door again. I hurry my top back on and open it, but there’s no one there again.

  ‘Hilarious,’ I call down the corridor, confident someone is messing with me.

  I take off my clothes and run my bath before climbing in and overanalysing what just happened with Danny. If I didn’t know better, I’d think we were about to kiss down that alleyway. OK, so he is gorgeous, but he’s been more like a big brother to me this trip – apart from when we were pretending to be a couple, obviously. That, plus the fact I’m still in a mess over Will are two very good reasons why we shouldn’t go there. Plus, I clearly annoy him as much as he annoys me. At this stage, an awkward kiss would be a terrible idea, especially considering we’ve still got a few days left before we head back home.

  I am distracted from my thoughts by that familiar knock on the door. I know it’s the same one, because it follows that same rhythm, but I’m not playing.

  ‘Fuck off,’ I yell, not that t
hey’ll hear me. They’ll have run off down the corridor and hidden by now.

  I mean, no one could ever start anything with Danny anyway, because he doesn’t stay in the same place for long enough. Will even offered him a full-time position, but he didn’t want it, and he made it clear that nothing would change his mind, so that’s that I guess.

  Another knock at the door. So much for my nice relaxing bath.

  I climb out, grabbing a fluffy white towel and wrapping it around my body.

  I shuffle over to the door and look through the peephole, but there’s no one there. I pick up the phone next to me and call reception.

  ‘Hello,’ a man chirps.

  ‘Hey, someone keeps knocking on my door and running away,’ I tell him.

  ‘Ah,’ he replies, sounding unsurprised. ‘We’ve got a school trip staying with us – spirits are high.’

  ‘Well, if you could…lower their spirits,’ I request. ‘It’s driving me crazy.’

  ‘Of course,’ he replies. ‘I’ll have a word.’

  I have no sooner put the phone down when there’s that knock at the door again. As I’m standing right behind it, I take this as my cue to catch out whoever is doing this, so I fling the door open and step out into the corridor.

  It all happens so quickly that I’m not even sure how it happens. I only make it out quick enough to see the backs of three teenagers’ heads as they leg it away, but as I made my dash through the door my towel must have got caught on something in the room, ripping it from my body. I realise this in the same second that the door to my room closes behind me. For a moment, I freeze. Unsure what to do. I mean, I’m butt naked, locked outside my room. What can I do? I think for what feels like a very long time, but it’s probably only a few seconds.

  If I can get along the corridor towards the bar, I can get Danny’s attention and he can let me back into the room. Oh God, but he’s going to see me naked! But what choice do I have?

  Thankfully, the door to each room is recessed, so I can dash quickly from one to another, ducking in whenever I think I hear voices. I make it halfway along the corridor when I notice a shining beacon of light – well, a lit-up stand with tourist information booklets on it. I grab one and open it up, before using it to protect my modesty. I cover my boobs with my free hand, and I’m careful to keep my back to the wall as I sneak along the corridor. When I finally reach the door to the bar, I have no idea what to do next. I can’t go in there. I notice the fire alarm on the wall next to me. No, I can’t do that. Not only is it against the law, but all that would do is bring everyone out, not just Danny.

  I slowly push the door open and poke my head around, glancing around the room for Danny. I spot him nursing a drink, looking down at the table deep in thought.

  ‘Danny,’ I call in a loud whisper, but he doesn’t hear me. ‘Danny,’ I say again, a little louder. This time he hears me and looks up. ‘Can you come here, please?’

  I wait until he is making his way across the room before stepping into the doorway of the nearest room.

  ‘Where have you gone?’ he asks once he’s out in the corridor.

  ‘I’m here,’ I say, stepping out.

  ‘What the fuck?’ he asks, his face lighting up like I’ve never seen before. ‘Nice Bullring.’

  Danny nods towards my crotch. I look down and see that the tourist brochure I’m using as underwear has a big picture of the Bullring on the front.

  ‘Look, I got locked out of the room. You need to let me back in before someone sees,’ I say quickly.

  ‘OK, sure.’ Danny, as amused as he is, snaps into action, hurrying along the corridor and unlocking the door. As soon as it is open, I hurry after him. As I step inside I grab my towel from the floor, and in one swift moment I ditch my brochure and wrap it around my body.

  ‘What the hell happened?’ Danny asks.

  ‘These fucking kids kept knocking on the door and running away and – ’

  Right on cue, there’s a knock on the door. Danny opens it and growls like a pissed-off Shrek in an attempt to scare the kids off, but it isn’t kids at all, it’s a hotel employee and he looks terrified.

  ‘I just…I, erm… The kids are under the supervision of their teacher now, so it won’t, erm…it won’t be happening again,’ the employee stutters.

  ‘OK, cheers,’ Danny says. As the employee shuffles off, that terrified look still on his face, Danny calls after him: ‘Sorry mate.’

  Danny closes the door, whips off his soggy T-shirt and hops onto the bed.

  ‘Did you see that?’ he asks me, amused. ‘He shit himself.’

  I sit at the desk and throw my head into my hands. ‘I am mortified,’ I mumble, my voice muffled by my face being covered.

  ‘Ah, it’s no big deal,’ he replies.

  ‘At least no one else saw me but you. I should be thankful for that.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Danny chimes in. ‘They’re bound to have CCTV, so…there’s that. Even if they’re not watching it live, if they ever look over it – Christmas,’ he concludes.

  ‘Fuck off,’ I snap.

  ‘What?’ He laughs. ‘You’ve got an amazing body; you should show it off more.’

  ‘Danny, there’s showing it off and then there’s being a crazy naked-in-public lady angrily chasing children. You can get put on a list for that.’

  He laughs. ‘Look, we said we needed to make you more comfortable with nudity – well there you go. You were naked in public and you didn’t die. That’s got to make you feel better, right?’

  ‘Surprisingly, Danny, no, that doesn’t make me feel even a little bit better.’

  ‘Just when I think you’re chilling out and being fun, you get all uptight again,’ he sighs.

  ‘Uptight?’ I squeak angrily. ‘Uptight? Just because I don’t want to beave children/hotel security/you?’

  Danny hops to his feet, grabbing a dry T-shirt and running his hand through his damp hair as he looks in the mirror, before tying it up in a topknot again.

  ‘I’m going back to the bar,’ he says. ‘I’ll leave you to get dressed.’

  ‘Fine,’ I call after him.

  ‘Fine,’ he replies, slamming the door behind him. And just like that, we’re frenemies again.

  Chapter 29

  Waking up in bed, the first thing I see is Danny. He’s just inches away from me, and he’s already awake. When I got in bed last night he was still at the bar.

  ‘And what time did you get in last night?’ I ask, moving a little further away from him.

  ‘What are you, my wife?’ He laughs.

  ‘I bloody feel like it, having to wake up next to you every day,’ I reply.

  He smiles. ‘You don’t have to,’ he reminds me. ‘And yet you somehow always do.’

  ‘You’re like herpes, mister. Once you get under the skin, that’s it. Riddled for life.’

  ‘I remember when you were a lady.’ He laughs. ‘So, was that our first marital tiff last night?’

  ‘Something like that,’ I reply. ‘Let’s forget about it.’

  ‘Sure,’ he replies. ‘And it was only eleven p.m. when I got back. You were flat out. I didn’t want to wake you.’

  ‘No worries,’ I reply.

  We lie there for a moment until my phone starts vibrating.

  ‘It’s been doing that on and off for about twenty minutes,’ Danny tells me. ‘I had a peep to see if it was worth waking you, but I saw that it was Will.’

  ‘Yeah, I wouldn’t have wanted waking up just to ignore him anyway,’ I tell him.

  ‘Just to make it clear, that was not me intervening. Like I said, I’ll never do that. You’re a big girl.’

  ‘Just what every girl wants to hear.’ I laugh as I climb out of bed.

  I pull open the curtains and let the sunlight beam in, squinting my eyes that aren’t quite adjusted to the fact that it’s morning yet.

  ‘You know what I mean,’ he calls, stretching out in bed, filling the space I was occupying as well as his o
wn. ‘I’m not used to sharing.’

  ‘Yeah, tell me about it,’ I reply. ‘Never shared a bed with anyone before.’

  ‘You’re good at it,’ he tells me. ‘You keep to your side – don’t lash out. Sometimes you move in for a snuggle, but that’s OK. Anyone would think you were an old pro.’

  ‘You’re killing me with kindness this morning,’ I reply, shooting him a filthy look as I search for something to wear. ‘Shall we just head back home?’

  ‘What? But we’re having so much fun.’ He laughs.

  I shoot him a look.

  ‘OK, it’s on and off…but we could be having even more fun. We’re getting there. Just give it another day?’

  ‘Fine.’ I give in. My emotions are all over the place and I’ve no idea what’s going on, or what’s going to happen, but I suppose delaying the inevitable for a little longer won’t hurt. I might as well make the most of it.

  I hold up two pencil skirts, near identical except for the fact that one is black and one is grey. I examine them for a second before deciding I’ll wear the black one with the white shirt I have picked out.

  ‘Hmm, decisions, decisions,’ Danny teases, trying to mimic my Mancunian accent. ‘Which middle-aged woman skirt will I wear today? I know, the one with the least colour.’

  ‘Fuck off,’ I snap – something I seem to do often with Danny, sometimes joking, sometimes serious.

  ‘You need a new wardrobe,’ he tells me.

  ‘I needed to be naked, is basically what you told me last night.’

  ‘Yeah, well naked is done now. Now we need to get you some sexy clothes. You look like you’re going for a job interview. At a bank. For old people. In the 1950s.’

  ‘Finished?’

  ‘For the blind,’ he adds, so I flash him my middle finger. ‘Well, baby steps,’ he tells me. ‘We might be moving slowly, but at least we’re moving forward.’

  ‘We sure are, fridge magnet,’ I call back as I head into the bathroom.