Drive Me Crazy

by Portia MacIntosh

  I close the door behind me and sit down on the toilet. I have my phone in my hand, and I stare at the screen, just glaring at the missed calls from Will until my tired eyes ache and I have to look away. I’ve spent months just hoping and praying he would cause my phone to spring to life. Even when I knew he was in a meeting or out for the evening and there was no chance he’d call me, I’d still check my phone longingly, constantly. Now that I don’t want to hear from him, he just keeps calling and, do you know what? It makes me cross. It proves that he could have called me more often than he did. Well, fuck him. I open up my contacts on my phone and find Will’s name, clicking block so that he can’t contact me any more. There. I can’t be clearer than that.

  I wash my face and brush my teeth before slipping on my ‘job interview’ outfit and heading back into the room. Danny is still stretched out on the bed, watching TV with the covers kicked off and his arms behind his head. I feel myself bite my lip, quickly raising my hand to my mouth so that Danny can’t see.

  ‘You OK?’ he asks, noting my sudden movement.

  ‘I’m fine,’ I tell him coolly.

  Danny hops to his feet with that puppy dog energy he always seems to boast. ‘Quick shower and we can go,’ he tells me. ‘Cardiff today.’

  ‘Awesome,’ I call after him.

  As soon as he closes the bathroom door behind him, I plonk myself down on the bed. I’m glad we’re back on good terms, but I don’t really understand why we were even nearly on bad terms. I don’t have feelings for Danny, do I? I know I look at his body, but I’m only human. That doesn’t mean anything. We’re just good mates, that’s all. I’ve never had a good male friend before, and I think I’m just getting my wires crossed. I’m on the rebound. I need to remember that. But if that’s true, then why did I feel like shit last night when we were apart? And why did I lie there, wide awake, just waiting for him to come back, only to pretend I was asleep when he did get in?

  No, I can’t think like this. I just need to enjoy the rest of the trip and, if I’m going to worry about anything, it should be what I’m going to do when it’s time to go home. Danny won’t be around for much longer, but I’m going to be stuck working for Will, having to see his stupid face every day. There’s no way I can continue working there, is there? But I can’t exactly afford to just walk out. I suppose I’ll have to start looking for something else and hope I find something fast.

  The thing is though, if I don’t have feelings for Danny, then why do I care less about having to see Will every day than I do about the thought of no longer seeing Danny every day? Let alone not sharing a bed with him…

  Chapter 30

  It’s another hot, sunny day as we park up in Cardiff.

  ‘Another day, another four-star hotel,’ Danny muses.

  As we unload our luggage in the hotel car park, I struggle, the sun making me feel sluggish. Danny laughs at me, pushing his way in front of me, lifting my bags out for me.

  As I wipe sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand, something small catches my eye. It’s a pug, sitting on the ground next to us, just watching us.

  ‘Danny, look,’ I whisper.

  Danny turns around and looks down at the pug.

  ‘Jesus.’ He jumps. ‘I thought it was a rat or something.’

  ‘Aww,’ I coo, crouching down on the floor and beckoning it over. ‘What a little cutie. Come here.’

  The pug waddles over to me, rolling onto its back so that I can tickle his tummy. He’s wearing a collar, but there’s no ID on there.

  ‘Is he OK?’ Danny asks.

  ‘He feels warm,’ I tell him. ‘It’s too hot for him to be out here.’

  Danny looks around to see if there’s anyone about looking for him, but there’s no one.

  ‘There’s a shop across the road,’ Danny points out. ‘I’ll go get him some water.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I call after him, before addressing my new friend. ‘Well, aren’t you handsome, huh? Yes you are.’

  The pug rolls around gleefully as I continue to tickle his tummy. My arm is getting tired, but I keep going. I don’t want him to wander off – he needs water.

  ‘Here we are,’ Danny says. ‘Cup your hands.’

  I do as he asks and he pours a little water into them. The pug drinks it up, so Danny pours some more.

  ‘I got these too,’ he says, shaking a box of dog biscuits, causing the dog’s tiny tail to wag frantically. Danny pops the box open and gives him one. ‘I’m going to call him Kevin, because he’s all alone and fending for himself,’ Danny says, putting on one of those cute voices people reserve for talking to babies and small animals.

  ‘Hello, Kevin,’ I say in a similar tone, tickling his tummy again because he seems to like it. ‘He feels warm,’ I tell Danny. ‘We need to get him out of the sun.’

  ‘Do you think they’ll let him inside the hotel?’ he asks.

  ‘I don’t know. Call them,’ I suggest.

  Danny takes out his phone and, after a quick google to find the number for the hotel, he calls and asks about their policy on pets.

  ‘Yeah, it’s a no,’ he tells me, scratching his head as he wonders what to do. ‘We’ll have to sneak him in. Just until he cools down, and we get on to the RSPCA or something.’

  ‘We can’t sneak him in!’

  ‘You didn’t mind sneaking things in when we were in York,’ he replies, like I’m being unreasonable.

  ‘Yeah, a toaster and a few slices of bread, not a fucking pug. You can’t smuggle a dog into a four-star hotel!’

  ‘Not even a dog as cute as Kevin?’ Danny asks as he hooks his fingers into the corners of Kevin’s mouth, making it look like he’s smiling. As my heart melts, all common sense goes out of the window.

  ‘OK, how do we do this?’ I ask.

  ‘Right.’ Danny claps his hands together. ‘You go and check us in, then come back out here and help me with the bags. I’ll figure it out.’

  I nod in recognition of the plan before dashing inside to check in, hurrying back out as soon as I have the key. When I get back outside, Kevin is gone.

  ‘Where’d he go?’ I ask.

  Danny gently raises my holdall. It isn’t zipped closed, but he opens it more so I can see inside. Kevin is in there, snuggled up inside one of my bras. He’s so cute, I can’t handle it.

  ‘Grab something light, so it looks like we’ve got our stuff. I’ll carry this one carefully.’

  We walk into the hotel lobby, trying our hardest to look casual. As we step into the lift, I’m aware of the man behind the front desk who checked me in staring at us. I give him a wave, as though to confirm that this is the other person staying in the room and he nods. Just as the lift door closes, Kevin tries to make himself more comfortable, causing the bag to move.

  ‘Do you think he saw?’ I ask.

  ‘He can’t have,’ Danny concludes.

  Once we’re in the safety of our room, Danny lets out Kevin, who immediately tries to take a few run-ups at the bed, but fails to jump even close to high enough.

  ‘Come here,’ Danny says, scooping him up and plonking him down.

  Kevin makes himself comfortable, so Danny gives him another biscuit.

  Danny and I both sit down, searching on our phones to figure out what we can do to try and get Kevin home again.

  ‘I’ve got the number for a local dogs’ charity,’ Danny tells me. ‘But the line is engaged.’

  ‘Well, keep trying,’ I tell him. ‘I’ll keep looking into other options.’

  After thirty minutes of trying, the line is still engaged.

  ‘Right, I don’t think it’s far – I’ll pop over there and see what’s what,’ Danny says as he hops to his feet.

  ‘Are you taking Kevin with you?’ I ask.

  ‘I’ll leave him here,’ he tells me. ‘Just in case they won’t take him and we have to smuggle him back in.’

  ‘OK, well, hurry back,’ I tell him.

  ‘Will do,’ he replies as he rushes out. />
  ‘Well, it’s just me and you, Kevin,’ I say to him when we’re finally alone.

  I shuffle around the room, looking for something to do to amuse myself, deciding that I’ll give Amy a call and let her know how things are going.

  ‘Hello,’ she answers almost immediately.

  ‘Hey, how are you?’

  ‘Stressed with wedding shit, but nothing I can’t handle,’ she replies. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Fucking marvellous.’ I laugh.

  ‘You must be!’ she gasps. ‘You swore! Why are you swearing?’

  ‘Life,’ I muse.

  ‘So, how’s it going?’ she asks. ‘Is it as boring as you thought it would be without lover boy?’

  ‘I blind got drunk with truckers, I took my clothes off and danced in a strip club, I pretended to be Danny’s girlfriend to make his ex jealous, got taken to the police station in the back of a van, nearly had a second run-in with the fuzz while I was eating a double cheeseburger that was served inside a doughnut – which gave me food poisoning – and I’m breaking all the rules at the hotels. Streaking down the corridors, smuggling things in – toasters, pugs, the usual kind of thing. So yeah, pretty boring really.’

  Amy doesn’t say anything.

  ‘Hello?’ I say, to check she’s still there.

  ‘Is that all true?’ she asks.

  ‘Yep,’ I reply. ‘Oh, and I got two tattoos. “Isis” on my wrist, and “Mr Wright” on my arse. That’s Wright with a W – that cosmic ordering is fucked up. It doesn’t listen.’

  Amy laughs loudly down the phone. ‘Candice, I’m just… I’m so happy for you.’

  ‘You’re happy for me?’ I laugh.

  ‘Yes! You’re having fun! Proper fun, the kind your life has been severely lacking. It sounds like Danny is a good laugh?’

  ‘He is,’ I reply, but my lack of detail gets my friend wondering.

  ‘Anything, you know, between the two of you?’

  ‘We’re just friends,’ I tell her. ‘Although we are sharing a bed every night, and he has seen me naked way more than I’d intended on – which was ideally never,’ I quickly add.

  ‘You like him,’ she sings. ‘You like him and you want him and you want his babies.’

  ‘Shut up,’ I reply.

  ‘Has something happened between you?’ she asks again.

  ‘No. Well…we had a sort of moment.’

  ‘So, what did you do?’

  ‘I freaked out and caused an argument with him,’ I admit. My friend tuts. ‘What? I’m out of practice.’

  ‘You need to seduce him,’ Amy concludes. ‘You can do this. Just… OK, maybe one evening when you’re undressed, because your clothes don’t exactly scream “seduction”, you know?’

  ‘Says you, cheesecloth,’ I laugh and it catches my friend by surprise.

  ‘You’re cheekier now. I like the version of you that Danny brings out of you.’

  I glance over at the bed and notice that the dog has gone. ‘Shit, Aims, I’d better go, Kevin has vanished.’

  ‘Kevin?’ she asks, confused

  ‘Kevin the pug,’ I half explain.

  ‘So everything you said was true?’ she asks.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Isis though?’

  ‘It’s a long story,’ I tell her. ‘Anyway, speak soon.’

  ‘Have fun,’ she sings.

  I hang up the phone and start looking for Kevin. I soon find him in the bathroom, trying to drink from the toilet, so I grab a teacup and fill it with water. Kevin then waddles over to the biscuit box and yaps for one. I quickly take one and throw it to him to keep him quiet, but he immediately wants another one. I glance at the box and read that small dogs are only allowed two to three per day, so I’d better not give him another one. Plus, he’s not exactly the slimmest dog I’ve ever seen.

  Kevin barks, except he doesn’t sound much like a dog, he sounds more like a tiny boar.

  ‘Listen, you can’t have another, it will make you poorly,’ I explain, stupidly thinking that maybe I can reason with a hungry dog.

  Kevin barks, giving no shits.

  I shush him, praying he keeps his mouth shut. He would if he knew what was good for him. If he’s found in here we’ll all be thrown out.

  Still, Kevin barks. I grab the TV remote and switch it on, skipping through the channels to find something that will mask his little yap. One of the channels I flick past has an advert for dog food on, and as the dog on the screen yaps, Kevin breaks into a howl. I quickly switch the TV off, and grab Kevin another biscuit, hoping one over the recommended daily amount won’t harm him. This appeases him for a second, but just when I think we’re out of the woods, there’s a knock at the door.

  ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck,’ I rant as I usher him into the bathroom. I use a biscuit to get him to follow me, but I don’t give it to him. I shut the door on him, praying he keeps his little doggy mouth shut before going to answer the door. It’s the guy who checked me in. I look at his name badge. Phillip. It’s nice to know who I’m going to be pleading with.

  ‘Hello,’ I say brightly.

  ‘Mr Starr?’ he says.

  ‘Do I look like Mr Starr?’ I ask, pulling a face.

  ‘One must never assume,’ he tells me. ‘This is Mr Starr’s room. Was that Mr Starr who left shortly after you arrived?’

  ‘No,’ I admit. ‘That’s my guest though. We both work for Mr Starr. This is a business trip.’

  ‘What business, might I ask?’

  ‘Haulage and warehousing and distribution – oh my,’ I joke with a little giggle, but Phillip is immune to my charm.

  ‘Do you have a dog in here?’ he asks, cutting to the chase.

  ‘A dog?’ I ask, feigning shock. ‘Of course not!’

  ‘I think you have a dog in here,’ Phillip continues.

  ‘One must never assume,’ I remind him. ‘When you assume you make an ass out of U and ME.’

  My sense of humour does nothing for Phillip. I fidget nervously with whatever I am holding and he notices. I follow his gaze to my hands and realise I’m clutching a dog biscuit.

  ‘Is that a dog biscuit?’ he asks firmly.

  ‘No. Well, yes,’ I babble, unable to explain its bone shape. ‘But it’s mine. They’re made from charcoal. They’re great for weight loss. I love them.’

  Phillip stares at me for a moment, as though he’s waiting for me to take a bite to prove a point. Luckily before I have to, he continues with the evidence to support the claim there is a dog in my room.

  ‘Guests in neighbouring rooms have reported howling,’ he informs me.

  ‘Well, yeah, that was me,’ I tell him in a hushed tone, raising my eyebrows.

  ‘But you’re in here alone,’ he immediately replies.

  ‘Yes,’ I reply as flirtatiously as possible. ‘A girl gets lonely.’

  Phillip just walks away, clearly unfazed by my flirtatious tone, the image of me touching myself until I howl and chomping on dog biscuits to try and keep my figure, bizarrely, not doing it for him.

  I close the door behind me and breathe a sigh of relief, but it’s short-lived because I open the bathroom door to find Kevin chewing up a towel. Before I have a chance to react, Danny walks back in.

  ‘Good news,’ he announces. ‘They’ll take him in and find his owner.’

  ‘Good,’ I reply, kicking pieces of chewed-up towel with my foot. ‘Because I don’t think we’re cut out to be parents.’

  Chapter 31

  So it turns out we were on some kind of red alert at the hotel in Cardiff, and as such they were looking out for us behaving suspiciously. Fair enough, we were acting suspiciously, but this made it even harder for us to try and sneak Kevin out of the hotel. When we were sneaking him in it was hard enough, but we couldn’t risk getting caught sneaking him out either, or they might have thrown us out of the hotel. One night sleeping in Danny’s car is more than enough for one lifetime, so we were careful to be discreet – well, as discreet as you can be when
you’ve got a hyperactive pug in a Louis Vuitton holdall. It was tough, but we managed it, lurking around near the lifts, just waiting for a moment when Phillip disappeared into the office. Then we made a mad dash for the door and soon enough we were saying our goodbyes to Kevin, having the good sense to pose for selfies with him before we left, because we didn’t ever want to forget him.

  Had I taken this trip with Will, I’m not certain how it would have played out. Sure, we could’ve got it on all day and all night without worrying about who might walk in on us, but would that have been it? The whole extent of our fun? Thinking about it, just because sex is the only kind of fun we ever got to enjoy together, it doesn’t mean that if we were to spend normal time together like a normal couple that we would instantly have a blast. I mean, what do we have in common? If everyone says I was being a more boring version of myself to try and be more like Will, then there’s no way we would’ve had fun. We didn’t chat on the phone much because we couldn’t, but what if we had been able to? I try to imagine doing these long journeys in the car, just Will and me, and I can’t imagine what we would talk about, or what we would listen to. How Julie the cleaner isn’t doing her job properly with a Classical FM backdrop? No thank you.

  With Danny, car journeys are a blast. Hour-long treks feel like no time at all when we’re chatting about everything from TV shows we watched when we were kids, to what we’d call a pug if we had a pug of our own. When we’re not chatting, Danny will be telling me funny one-liners and lip-syncing to songs on the radio to try and make me laugh, which he always does. There’s just something about seeing this big, buff nerd grooving to Wilson Phillips’s ‘Hold On’ that could make even the most serious person smile.

  It may have been a hasty decision born of an emotional reaction to a rough day, but I am so glad that I have taken this trip with Danny. For all the epic fuck-ups, scrapes with the law, mortifying situations and so on, I cannot deny that I am having the time of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever had this much fun, and even though, at times, I am the most stressed out I have ever been, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so chilled out. So chilled out, in fact, that this afternoon we’re in Brighton and I’ve done a potentially silly thing… I’ve agreed to let Danny give me a makeover.