The OUT OF LINE Series

by Jen McLaughlin

  I unlocked my front door and went straight to my fridge. After pushing aside the wine coolers I kept stocked for Carrie, I grabbed a cold beer and cracked it open. Crossing the room, I kicked off my sandals and ripped off my shirt before reclining on the couch. My gaze fell to the spot where Carrie always sat on our Saturday night hangout. The spot she was supposed to be in right now.

  It looked ridiculously empty without her there.

  “Pathetic,” I mumbled under my breath. “You’re fucking pathetic, Coram.”

  I pulled out my phone and dialed quickly. It would be late back home, but I’d bet Dad was still up watching Conan. After two rings, he picked up. “Hello?”

  “Hey, Dad.” The TV quieted, but not before I heard Conan. I’d been right. Homesickness washed over me, and I swallowed another swig of beer. “Watching TV?”

  “Yeah. Nothing’s changed out here,” Dad said. “How’s it going out in California, son? Enjoying the sun, sand, and surf?”

  “You know it,” I said, smiling at the enthusiasm in Dad’s voice. We’d lived in California when I had been a boy, before Mom had died. Before everything had gone and changed. “I missed this place.”

  “I know,” Dad said, his voice gruff. “And I miss you.”

  “Speaking of which,” I cleared my throat. “How likely do you think it would be for the senator to let me off duty earlier than planned? On a scale of one to ten?

  “Zero.” Dad sighed. “Why? What happened? Sick of babysitting the brat already?”

  “It’s not that. She’s not a brat at all.”

  “Then what’s the issue?” Something crinkled and Dad munched down on something crunchy. Sour cream and onion chips, no doubt. “You’re back in your home state surfing and getting paid to do it. What’s the problem?”

  I hesitated. I didn’t want to tell Dad how deeply watching Carrie was affecting me. The jealousy. The guilt. The feelings I didn’t want to name. “It doesn’t really seem like I’m needed here, but I don’t know how my suggestion of terminating this assignment would go over with the senator.”

  “Senator Wallington feels differently,” Dad said. “Every day, he checks your updates. Every day, he tells me what a fine boy I’ve raised. He’s even suggested when I retire, I’ll be getting double my allotted retirement fund thanks to my son’s ‘go get ’em’ attitude and willingness to please.”

  I dropped my forehead to my palm. There was no getting out of this now. I couldn’t do that to my dad. “That’s…great, Dad. Really great.”

  And it was. Dad could definitely use the added money. Getting double his retirement would let him set up home pretty much wherever he wanted. Live comfortably. Not worry about money or bills or food. And when it came down to it, being in California wasn’t half as bad as I had thought it would be. If I could get my emotions under control, and get it through my thick head that Carrie would never be mine, it might actually be enjoyable.

  “Is something wrong, son? If you’re miserable, I’d rather be fired than get double my retirement fund,” Dad said, his tone dead serious. “I’ll be fine without it.”

  No, he wouldn’t. Not when I could suck it up and be a man. “I’m fine, Dad.” I rubbed my forehead. “I was just being stupid. Homesick, I guess.”

  “I miss you too, son.”

  I swallowed hard. “Thanks for the talk. I’m gonna go now.”

  “All right. Good night, son.”

  “Night, Dad.”

  I hung up and closed my eyes. Enough of this shit. Enough wanting and wishing and hoping. I needed to focus on the cold hard truth of the matter. If I fucked this up, Dad wouldn’t get his nice, cushy retirement pay off. If I fucked this up, I wouldn’t be the only one to suffer. It was time to suck it up and stop mooning all over Carrie Wallington, for Dad’s sake.

  She was an assignment…nothing more.

  A few nights later, I hugged Cory good-bye, making sure to keep it friendly and not too personal. He went in for a kiss again, but I ducked my head just in the nick of time. After he caught me off guard last Saturday, he’d been trying to kiss me over and over all week long. Of course, I might be partially to blame for that. I hadn’t ended our first kiss right away, and had probably given him the wrong impression.

  But I hadn’t kept the kiss going because I’d liked it so much I couldn’t break it off. Not because it set me on fire in ways even twenty thousand romance novels could possibly describe. No, I hadn’t ended the kiss because it hadn’t done anything at all. Zilch. Nada. Zero. Zip.

  No matter how many ways I said it, I may as well have been kissing a poster of a fat, balding man for all the excitement the kiss had given me. But when Finn kissed me…

  Now, that was another story all together.

  “Good night, Cory,” I said, patting his shoulder.

  Yep. I actually patted his shoulder.

  “Night.” He gave me a long, almost pleading, look. “See you tomorrow afternoon for another weekend study session?”

  “I’m hanging out with Finn,” I said, my tone apologetic. “Sorry.”

  Cory nodded but looked unhappy. Guilt struck me, but I didn’t know the right way to let him know I wanted to be friends and only friends. Maybe I could repeat the speech Finn had given me. It had worked well enough for him. “No problem. See you Monday.”

  “Bye.”

  I headed up the stairs to my dorm, expecting to find the room empty. It was Friday night, after all, and Marie surely had plans. But when I opened the door, I found Marie on the couch, hot and heavy with some guy I didn’t even recognize.

  Marie opened her eyes mid-kiss and pointed at the door. What was I supposed to do? Sit in the hallway? Marie narrowed her eyes and pointed at the door more emphatically. I slowly backed out and closed the door behind me.

  Leaning against the hallway wall, I closed my eyes. Okay. Now what? I could call Cory and hang out with him some more, but I was already struggling to find a way to break it to him gently that I wasn’t interested in a relationship with him. That left two other options. Walking around without a destination or even an idea on how long it would be until I could return to my room…or Finn.

  Easy decision. I missed Finn anyway.

  I headed back outside and called a taxi. I knew I should call him first. Make sure he didn’t mind if I stopped by. But what if he told me no? If I just kind of showed up, it would be hard to send me away. At least I hoped so.

  Of course, by the time the cab arrived, I was losing my confidence in this decision. And after I paid the cab and started up his walkway, I was ready to run back toward the car, even though it was halfway down the road. His bike was outside, so I was fairly certain he was home, but what if he had company? The kind of company he didn’t mind kissing?

  I hovered outside of his door, pressing my ear against the cool steel door, listening for the telltale noises of sex. All I heard was him talking. Something about watching “Golden Boy.” No one responded, so I could only assume that he was on the phone. That was a good sign.

  I swiped my hands over my thighs. Taking a deep breath, I raised my trembling fist and knocked. His voice paused, and then I heard footsteps approach. He opened the door, and my breath whooshed out of my lungs. He didn’t have a shirt on, like usual, but instead of his normal shorts, he wore a pair of camouflage pants. His dog tags, which I’d never seen him wear, hung off his neck, and his hair was shorter on the sides than it had been the last time I’d seen him. A little shorter on the top, too, but there were still some curls.

  He looked like a Marine. The type of Marine that went to war. The thought chilled my blood. War had always seemed so far removed from my own life that I never really thought about it besides the occasional story I saw on TV. I’d never known a soldier or a Marine or anyone who would be in harm’s way to keep me safe.

  Not until Finn.

  “Of course, sir.” He clenched his phone tighter and held a finger in front of his mouth in an obvious attempt at keeping me quiet. Was he on the phone w
ith his superior? “Yes, sir.” A pause. “I will update you on that status when I return from duty.” He hung up and shoved the phone in his pocket. “Hey.”

  “Hi,” I said, biting my lower lip. “I haven’t seen you in a while. Or heard from you. Are you…is something wrong?”

  …and now I sounded like a desperate girlfriend seeking attention.

  “I’ve been busy.” He gestured down his body. “Getting ready.”

  I nodded. “You look ready to go to war.”

  “Not quite.” He raised a brow at me. “I’m missing a few key components. Namely, a weapon.”

  “Well, duh.” I flicked a glance over him again, my legs going all weak. He was always hot, but wearing his uniform, he was catastrophic to my health. “Why are you wearing that? And why did you cut your hair?”

  “Because I had to for drill.” He tugged on his dog tags. He still hadn’t moved out of the opening of the door or invited me in. In fact, he hadn’t even smiled or looked happy to see me. “Are we doing surprise visits now? I hadn’t realized we were there yet.”

  I stepped back and glanced over my shoulder. A couple came up the walkway, a young child at their side. They were talking about not having enough money for food again. I made a mental note to drop off a gift card to a local grocery store at their door. “What’s drill?’”

  “It’s something I have to do the first weekend of every month,” he said, his jaw tight.

  “O-Oh.” I cleared my throat. “Are you leaving now?”

  He hesitated. “No, I have to report to duty first thing in the morning. Why?”

  “So, I guess we’re not surfing tomorrow, huh?”

  “No, we’re not.”

  I shifted on my feet, not sure what to say next. He was acting cold and uncaring, and I didn’t know how to talk to a Finn who acted this way. I’d obviously made a mistake coming here. “You weren’t going to tell me?”

  “No, I wasn’t.” He sighed and leaned against the doorjamb. “I didn’t realize I had to.”

  I crossed my arms. “Well, I’m new to this whole ‘friend’ thing, but it’s kind of common courtesy to let someone know when normal routines will be broken, right?”

  I forced a laugh, but it hurt to know he hadn’t even been planning on letting me know our usual plans were off. Then again, hadn’t I done exactly the same thing to him? Yeah. I had. Just last week. Well, crap. I’d been a horrible friend and hadn’t even known it.

  “Yeah.” He cocked a brow, his thoughts clearly along the same lines as mine. I could see it in his eyes. “Yeah, it is.”

  “I’m sorry, okay?” I played with the hem of my shirt. “I’m not the best at this stuff. I didn’t realize…”

  He studied his nails. “What exactly are you apologizing for?”

  “For not hanging out last Saturday after surfing. You’re obviously mad, and it wasn’t right for me to not let you know about it.”

  “Nope.” He looked up at me with something that could only be described as disinterest. “I’m not mad about that. I got over it quickly enough.”

  I curled my hands into fists. My nails dug into my skin from the force I used, but I didn’t even care. “Then what are you mad at?”

  “Why do you think I’m mad at all?”

  “For one?” I craned my neck to look past him. “You haven’t invited me in. Do you already have company?”

  “Nope.”

  “If you’re not mad, then why aren’t you—?”

  “The better question is,” he crossed his ankles and checked the time, “why are you here unannounced at nine o’clock on a Friday night?”

  “I…I wanted to see you.”

  “Why?” he bit off, as if he couldn’t spare more than a single word on me.

  “You know what? Never mind.” I brushed past him, muttering, “Good luck this weekend.”

  “Thanks, Ginger,” he said, his voice taunting me. “Don’t get lost in the ocean without me. I won’t be there to save your pretty little ass.”

  I froze mid-step, my whole body trembling with frustration and anger and hurt. “You know what?” I turned on him, swinging my fist toward his hard, bare bicep. “Fuck you!”

  He easily caught my wrist, preventing the blow. His jaw ticked, and his eyes spit fire at me. “What’s the matter? Do you not like being blown off? Well, neither do I.”

  “I knew it. I knew you were mad at me.” I tried to yank free, but he didn’t loosen his grip. “Let go of me.”

  “Or what?” he asked, clearly daring me to do my worst. “What could a little brat like you possibly do to me that would make me let go?”

  I knew one thing he didn’t want from me. One thing sure to make him release me. I grabbed his dog tags and yanked hard, bringing him down to my level. He didn’t even fight me, probably because he’d been expecting me to hit him or shove him or something else painful. Instead, I melded my mouth to his, kissing him with everything I had.

  All of my frustration, anger and yes, need, came pouring out of me.

  He dropped my wrist and gripped my hips, neither pushing me away nor pulling me closer. Spinning me around, he trapped me between the brick wall and his hard chest. When he tilted his head and deepened the kiss, clearly taking control, I clung to the cool metal of his dog tags. With my free hand, I ran my fingers over his abs. I’d wanted to do that since the first time I saw him.

  His muscles clenched, and he rubbed his erection against me, teasing me. Taunting me. God, this was how a kiss was supposed to feel. This is how I wanted to feel. And I wanted to find this bliss in Finn’s arms. No one else’s.

  I lowered my hand, brushing against the top of his waistband, and then lower until I reached his penis. He arched into my hand, groaning into my mouth. When I closed my hand over him, marveling at the size and feel of him, he jerked and jumped back from me as if I’d punched him instead of touched him. As if I hurt him, instead of bringing him pleasure.

  “Damn it, Carrie,” he swore, dragging his hands down his face. When he turned to me with blazing eyes, I flinched. “You just go around kissing anyone you want, don’t you? Don’t care who or where or when? Or how many of us there are?”

  I tensed. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “I saw you,” he said. No, snarled. “I saw you kissing Cory just a couple of days ago, and now you’re here, kissing me?”

  My heart ached at the accusation in his tone. And the hurt in his eyes… “I didn’t kiss him. He kissed me.”

  “You looked pretty damned happy about it to me.” He grabbed the bannister and looked out at the road, his shoulders tense. “As a matter of fact, you looked like the perfect couple, so I really don’t know why you’re here with me.”

  I took a step toward him. If he was mad about Cory kissing me, did that mean he was jealous? And if he was, what did his jealousy mean? “I didn’t kiss him back.”

  He spun on me. “Bullshit. I saw you. And you liked it.”

  “No.” I held my hands out, desperate to make him understand why I had kissed Cory. To make him see I only wanted him, not Cory. “I kissed him because I was curious. I wanted to know why he doesn’t—”

  “I don’t care why you did it. Just leave me alone.” He started for his door, but I stepped in his path, resting my hand on his chest. His whole body tensed, but his heart raced beneath my palm. “Carrie, move out of the way. I’m done here.”

  I tilted my head back and met his eyes. “No.”

  “Go bug Cory. He’ll welcome it. I don’t.” He removed my hand from his chest. “I don’t play games, and I don’t share.”

  Finally, the anger came back. Thank God, because I needed its strength right now. “Funny, but you told me you didn’t want to be with me. Told me you weren’t interested. So how is it sharing when you never wanted me in the first place?”

  “When you came here and kissed me, it became sharing.” He still hadn’t dropped my hand, but his grip wasn’t harsh or even strong. “I’m not willing to be some
man you kiss when the mood strikes, before you go running back to Cory.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  He squared his jaw. “Tell me, were you with him tonight before you came to me?”

  I trembled. “I was, but not like you’re insinuating.”

  “There’s no insinuation.”

  “Sure there isn’t.” I glared at him. “And I’m Mother Teresa.”

  “Nice to meet you.” He dropped my hand. “Now get the hell off my porch.”

  He was halfway inside the door before I got up enough nerve to ask, “Do you want something different now? Do you want to be with me?”

  He froze, his hand on the doorknob. When he looked back at me, his eyes were open and vulnerable. He looked at me as if he did want more. As if he wanted me. But then he opened his mouth and ruined everything. “What I want doesn’t matter. It’s not happening. Ever. Go chase after Cory instead of me. He’ll let you catch him.”

  “I don’t want him,” I whispered. “I want you.”

  He shut the door in my face, and I was alone. I swallowed back tears and started down the steps. Well, that was it. It was over.

  All because I’d gone and kissed him.

  After drill on Sunday night, I unlocked my door and kicked it open. My eyes strayed to the spot Carrie had stood when I told her to go chase someone else. Even though I tried not to remember what had happened right in this spot on Friday night, it was useless. She’d been on my mind all weekend at training. Haunting me. Annoying me. Making me wish I’d done things differently from the start.

  Now that I was back from training, nothing had changed.

  She was still on my mind. Still bugging me, even though she wasn’t by my side. What was wrong with me? Since when did I let one little spoiled brat of a girl get under my skin so deeply? I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned against the wall, the silence of my empty apartment surrounding me. But the silence soon gave way to her whispered words—the ones that wouldn’t leave me the hell alone.