Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  History of Magic class was as boring as ever. It wasn’t that it didn’t have potential for excitement. It was Professor Binge’s presentation that made it Harry’s most boring class. Hermione seemed to be the only one interested in what Binge had to say. Consequently, she racked up a lot of house cup points by answering his questions right. She was the only one who ever bothered to raise her hand. Binge didn’t seem to mind.

  Transmogrification was always good. Harry was one of Professor McGooglesnot’s favorite students, and she tended to treat him special. He also seemed to have a bit of talent for the subject. McGooglesnot was an excellent teacher and always kept the student on their toes. They were already transforming vegetables into hamburgers, which is a very useful talent to know, especially if you don’t like vegetables.

  Hermione also managed to earn a lot of house cup points in Transmogrification. McGooglesnot showed favoritism toward the Nerds. Harry figured it only balanced out the points that Professor Ape subtracted from them.

  However, it was most shocking when one day Professor McGooglesnot disappeared suddenly and without a trace. She simple didn’t show up for breakfast one morning, which was very unlike her. Her office and rooms were searched. A general search of the school grounds was also conducted, but no evidence of an altercation or abduction were found, nor any note to explain her sudden disappearance. Rumors began circulating that she had been kidnapped and was being held captive in the Chamber of Cheesecakes by a dreadful monster.

  Grumblesnore hired a hideous substitute hag, Emphysema Blacklung, to teach Transmogrification until Professor McGooglesnot hopefully returned. Suddenly, Transmogrification class was no longer comfortable. Emphysema had a different way to do everything. She was almost as ugly as Gretchen Shoemacher. Harry found the whole situation to be an added incentive to locating the Chamber of Cheesecakes. The sooner he did, the sooner he could save McGooglesnot, and the sooner Emphysema Blacklung would be out of his life. Surprisingly enough, Hermione’s daily accumulation of house cup points increased when Blacklung took over.

  In Defense Against the Fine Arts, Professor Farthard continued to subject the sixth year students in Harry’s class to more and more deadly creatures. It was becoming a regular thing to see injured or slain students taken to the hospital wing during class. Mrs. Pomfrite complained loudly. Was she expected to work miracles? However, the students were fascinated by Professor Farthard, and greatly anticipated his class. Even those who were killed generally looked forward to their next dangerous encounter. Harry, Ron, and Hermione worked together in class, and though hard pressed at times, managed to avoid being maimed or killed.

  The centaur Frenzy continued to reprimand the human race in Astro-Numerology. The students that marveled at the magnificence of the centaurs did well in class. Those who attempted to argue on behalf of their race suffered poor marks. Harry found it very easy to kiss up to the centaur. He got an A on his report, “Why I wish I were a centaur,” even though he wished no such thing.

  In Magical Beast Biology, Professor Hasbeen was teaching them about Groundysnouts. Groundysnouts were swine with wings, and were usually seen after someone used the cliché, “when pigs fly.” They were also very delicious if one could manage to catch one, which was seldom.

  In “Sawing” class, Humphrey the Wise and Mystical was explaining the classic, How to pull a Rabbit out of a Hat.

  In Poisons class, Carnivorous Ape continued to dock house cup points from Harry for not having his cauldron. Harry was also failing. He couldn’t do any of the work without his cauldron.

  After Poisons, Harry continued to study yoga with Ape. Most of the time, Harry was trying to achieve “inner peace.” However, the mere mention of “inner peace” made him fidgety.

  Quibbage season was over, and there were no practices to attend. Ron had collapsed under Hermione’s steady pressure; he joined the OSPREE club. He remained constantly on the lookout for any excuse to get out of OSPREE meetings. Harry continued to decline to join, leaving no uncertain terms. He claimed that with the added burden of “Remedial Poisons” with Professor Ape, that he was already overburdened.

  The attempts on Harry’s life were becoming few and far between. He had survived too many attempts on his life for his fellow students to believe that he was killable. Many had driven a knife into his back with their own hands, only to see him eating as usually in the Great Eatery the next morning. Rumors that he was immortal were circulating. Someone had even driven a wooden stake into the dummy’s heart, in case Harry was a vampire. Many had given up. If He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Smelled couldn’t kill Harry, then who could?

  Meanwhile, there had also been a rather unsettling incident the week before. It seemed that Ophelia Quirkey, a fellow sixth year Nerd, had gotten it in her head that Hermione being the nerdiest of all the Nerds was not worthy of Ronald Cheesley’s affections. After all, what did Hermione Stranger have that she didn’t, besides an overly large head. She felt she was a much more suitable girlfriend for Ron, and she decided to let Ron know it. She started flirting with him. After two days of it, Hermione couldn’t take it anymore. She told Ophelia to keep her hands and eyes “off her man!”

  Ophelia told Hermione that she didn’t deserve a man, if she didn’t know how to take care of one. That’s when the fight started, or perhaps more exact, the beating started. Hermione fought mean. It eventually took two teachers, Smooch and Tickwick, to finally pull her off from Quirkey. Thereafter, the flirting stopped. Harry couldn’t believe it, girls were actually fighting over Ron, while he couldn’t even get up the nerve to talk to Yu Rang. She seemed so unapproachable before she had a boyfriend. Now that she was seeing Michael Coronary, it was a total impossibility.

  Even more disturbing, there had been three more cheesecake incidents since Harry had gotten out of the hospital wing. Bringing the total of the Cheesecake Obsessed to nine, ten if you included Belch. Those who were laid up in the hospital wing, or probably somewhere nearby, were: Todd Oreobreath, Henrietta Widowmaker, Bonibal Snowman, Valiant Effort, Goerthe Von Goop, Ignatius “Iggy” Zweebler, Formalda Hyde, Woody Sawdust, and Aloyicius Mudhead. Most of them were Popular Rich Kids. However, Iggy was a Party Animal, Valiant Effort was a Jock, and Aloyicius Mudhead was a Nerd. The only thing they all had in common was that Harry didn’t know any of them, not even his fellow Nerd, Mudhead. Harry blamed himself. If only he were more social, he might get to know more of the other students.

  Grumblesnore had seemingly done nothing to locate and close the Chamber of Cheesecakes. Harry hadn’t exactly been following Grumblesnore’s command to leave the mystery alone.

  Harry had already searched both the Locker Room and the Party Animal’s Common Room, but hadn’t found any recipe books at all. He had also searched many private rooms only to come up empty. He had focused on the rooms of preschoolers figuring that the Heir to the Err had to be someone new to the school, or else the Chamber of Cheesecakes would have opened sooner. He searched Farthard’s chamber, too, for the same reason. However, he couldn’t even find a recipe book, not even in the school kitchen.

  During his searches, he had several close encounters with Professor Ape. Ape appeared to be after Putter, roaming the corridors late at night. There was little doubt, Ape had it in for Putter, and wanted to see him expelled. Putter had thus far managed to elude him.

  They had made no progress on solving the mystery. In fact, if anything they were more confused than ever. Soon the holiday break would be here. All of the other students would be going home for the holidays, their families wanted to see them. Harry was the only one who remained at school this time of year. He looked forward to using the time to conduct a thorough search for the cheesecake recipe book.

  People were still pointing at Harry and whispering, just like his first day back from the hospital wing. Hermione said, “Just ignore them,” as she read People magazine. She seemed to ignore an elf that without her permission crept up and began polishing her cauldron. It was another one of the elves method
s, if they could somehow serve unnoticed, the human might grow accustomed to their service, and it might grow on them.

  A moment later, –Wham! Hermione walloped the elf with a fly swatter she carried just for that purpose. Harry was becoming worried about Hermione’s violent nature. He found it unsettling. Getting into fights, swatting elves, killing Maldoy, what was next? He attributed it to books. After all, she didn’t listen to violent lyrics in rock songs, watch movies or television, and since human beings are not violent by nature, what else could it be? However, he was too scared to confront her over it. She might hurt him.

  Ron just kept wondering if Harry really was the Err of Slipperin. He was very skeptical of Harry’s answer. He asked, “But why would Lord …”

  He quieted his voice to a whisper, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Smelled be baking cheesecake? Doesn’t he have better things to do with his time? You know, like plotting your death and torturing kittens and stuff?”

  “Heck, Ron, even Fart Lords have gotta eat, and who doesn’t like cheesecake?”

  Ron sighed unconvinced. He toyed with the wand he had broken a few minutes earlier. He had sat on it by mistake.

  Hermione continued reading, unconvinced.

  Harry too was unconvinced. He asked himself, “Am I the Err of Slipperin?” Somehow, he had to find out. Then it hit him. It was time to pay a little visit to the biggest blabbermouth in Hogwashes, and get him to do some serious gut spilling.

  So he cut History of Magic class, and headed to Hasbeen’s log cabin on the edge of the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death. He knocked on Hasbeen’s door.

  “Who be there?” replied the fattest man at school, while Harry wondered why he hadn’t done this sooner.

  “It’s me, Harry.”

  “ ’arry OOH?”

  “Harry Putter, that’s who, you big lummox!”

  “C’mon in, ’arry.”

  Harry let himself in. Bicuspid leapt up on Harry and slobbered on his face. “Get down you mangy… umm…I mean, good dog.”

  Hasbeen was wearing an apron and making a graham cracker crust in the kitchen. “Hi, ’arry. Make yerself comfortable like.

  ’ow’s school goin’? Shouldn’t ye be in class?”

  “Fine. No, not until ten,” Harry lied. “How’s things with you? What’s new?”

  “Nuttin’ much. Played Bingo las’ night, but that mysterious man weren’t there this week. Sit doon and ’ave some tea and errrr …” Hasbeen threw a towel over some cheesecakes fresh from the oven and cooling on the countertop, “crackers?”

  “What mysterious man?”

  “The creepy ’ooded man who never tells me ’is name. ’e comes e’ery so often. ’e’s the one that gives me all them dogs, Bicuspid, errr Muffy, and Skippy. Oh yeah, and that dragon egg, ’member that? Ahhhh, now, that were a bit o’ fun.”

  Harry took a couple of crackers with his tea. He couldn’t forget Bicuspid, the stupid dog was right there and wouldn’t take his eyes off Harry’s crackers. He remembered Muffy the three-headed offspring of Cerberus that had guarded the Sorcerous Stone years ago. He also remembered the baby dragon that Hasbeen had hatched. But, who was Skippy? Was Skippy the poodle?

  “I don’t remember Skippy. What kind of dog was he?”

  “The most incredible poodle I’ve e’er seen. He’s a fine guard dog!”

  “BINGO,” Harry thought. “Where is he?” he asked. He didn’t need to look around for the dog. He knew Skippy was in that strange room on the sixth floor guarding the trapdoor.

  “Oh, I lent ’er to Grumblesnore to ’elp guard the entrance to the Chamber of Cheesecakes.” Hasbeen replied nonchalantly as he finished pouring creamy batter into a pie tin, and put it in the oven.

  Harry thought, “So Grumblesnore has known from day one where the entrance to the Chamber of Cheesecakes is. He’s keeping curious students out, probably because the Chamber is guarded by some fantastic and dangerous beast. We wouldn’t want kids to wander in there, now, would we?”

  “So, ’ow, I mean, how do you get past the poodle?”

  “Well, I can’t tell ya that, I’m sworn to secrecy.”

  Harry stared at Hasbeen.

  A moment later Hasbeen broke. “Oh, all right, I’ll tell ya! Ye hast to bring a full grown cow with ya, and while the dog is devour’n the cow, ya runs past, right quick.”

  “I see. And do you have any other information about the Chamber of Cheesecakes?”

  “Nope! Tha’s everything.”

  Harry stared at Hasbeen. A drop of sweat dripped from the fat man’s brow, and he stole a glance over at the pie tins cooling under the towel.

  “Well, I guess that really is all you got,” said Harry rising from his chair. “Thanks for the tea and crackers.”

  “Any time, any time.”

  As Harry climbed the hill from Hasbeen’s cabin toward the back door of Hogwashes, Hasbeen let out a sigh of relief.

  No, Hasbeen wasn’t the Heir of the Err of Slipperin. All the talk of cheesecake going on lately had made him pretty hungry for some. However, there would be no explaining that to some people. “It’s a good thing that boy is so oblivious,” thought the enormous man.

  Chapter 13 - The Forbidden Forest of Sure Death

  “A full grown cow?” asked Ron. “Where are we going to get a full grown cow? Are you mad?”

  “Have you any idea how expensive an entire cow is?” Hermione balked. “We don’t have that kind of cash! We’ll have no choice but to steal one.”

  Harry stared at Hermione agape, “I think we’ve become a bad influence on you, Ms. Perfect.”

  “Well, we don’t!” she said with exasperation.

  “Of course we’ll steal one. I’m just surprised to hear you suggesting it, that’s all. You’re usually, well, a little uptight about such things.” He affected a terrible cowboy drawl, “Cattle-rustlin’s a hangin’ offense in these here parts, Ma’am.”

  “All right, so we have no choice but to steal one, where the heck are we going to find a cow to steal around here? Are you mad?” asked Ron.

  “Hey, I got an idea. Ron, why don’t you stay here at school for the holidays, and we’ll conduct a thorough search of the whole school for the recipe book, while Hermione figures out how to get a cow?”

  Ron objected, “And miss Christmas? You are mad!”

  Hermione objected, “You’re putting this whole cow thing on me?”

  Ron added, “Look, Harry, if you want to come home with me to the Boil, you’re welcome to, but I’m not staying here for Christmas. Only a loser would stick around here.” Ron used his wand as if it were a drumstick, “Ba Bump Ba, Ching!”

  Harry gave him a look that said, “You’re not funny,” as Ron whacked the table with his wand and promptly broke it.

  “Now THAT’s funny!” Harry laughed at Ron’s miserable turn of events.

  Hermione sighed.

  Ron examined his broken wand.

  Harry conceded, “All right, I’m sorry. Cripes, I’ll stay here and search for the recipe book. You and Hermione try to figure out where we can get a cow.”

  It never occurred to them to try and find any of the dozens of easier solution to get past the poodle than stealing a cow such as: finding a way to tranquilize the dog, using pepper spray, wearing one of the many suits of armor in Hogwashes to neutralize the dog’s teeth, or bringing Hermione’s cat, Croakshanks, along. Croakshanks would have easily frightened the poodle.

  The next day, all the students would be heading home for the holidays, so three days before Christmas, they exchanged gifts. Hermione gave Ron a framed picture of the two of them, and a garbage can lid. Ron was thrilled with the garbage can lid; his old one had been badly battered during the last quibbage match. She gave Harry a cauldron, so he’d stop losing Nerd House Cup points by being unprepared in Poisons class.

  Ron gave both Harry and Hermione socks. His mother had knitted them herself.

  Harry gave Hermione an overdue library book. She had taken it out for Harry back in
October. Harry had never returned it. She had been nagging him for two months to give it back. She was very happy to receive it.

  Harry gave Ron an acoustic guitar.

  “Wow! Where did you get it?” asked Ron, impressed.

  “Internet,” Harry lied.

  Harry spent Christmas Eve playing poker with the ghosts. They all warmly congratulated him on the fact that he was still alive and making an exciting contest for those who had wagered upon his survival at the beginning of the year. Those who bet against him admitted that they never expected him to last this long.

  During the days that followed, Harry conducted an extensive search of Hogwashes. He even searched the girls’ bathrooms and Grumblesnore’s office. He didn’t find any recipe books. Nor during all that time he spent alone wandering the school, did he ever come across a cheesecake vending machine. Harry had a feeling, if he was meant to come across a cheesecake buying opportunity, one would have appeared to him by now.

  He spent New Year’s Eve playing poker with the ghosts while a blizzard blanketed the school grounds in a meter and a half of snow. Hogwashes looked beautiful covered in snow and icicles. Lake Iwannabealifeguard was frozen over. If the other kids were around they could have had a wonderful snowball fight. Instead, Harry spent the next two weeks watching television all day in his underwear, and getting hooked on several ridiculously silly soap operas in the process.

  Finally, the students and teachers returned. When people asked Harry how his Christmas had been, he replied, “Good.” It was much easier than explaining how boring and severely lacking in holiday festivity the whole time had actually been.

  Harry reported to Ron and Hermione there were no recipe books anywhere within Hogwashes. Hermione concluded, “Whoever the Heir of the Err was, he had taken the recipe book home with him for the holidays. The Heir was keeping his secret carefully guarded.”