Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  Ron asked, “How do you know it’s a he?”

  Though she had meant he or she, Hermione sniffed, “Girls are never that stupid.”

  Ron was very proud to report that he had located a dairy farm approximately twenty-two kilometers away where they could attempt to steal a cow.

  “That’s nothing,” said Hermione. “I located a small ranch that’s only six kilometers away.”

  “Six kilometers! Wow, this is going to be easy!” said Harry.

  “Not quite, it’s on the other side of the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death.”

  “Well, we can forget about that then,” Ron laughed nervously, “right?”

  “Actually, no,” Hermione replied.

  “Crap, I knew you’d want to go to your own farm, instead of mine! Why? Why can’t we just this once do things the safe way,” spluttered Ron.

  “Well, where do you want to go, Ron? The Hogwashes kitchen? They don’t even use real beef there. Your farm’s twenty-some kilometers from here. We can’t walk over twenty kilometers, steal a cow, and get back without being missed. We’ll all be expelled.”

  Harry chimed in, “Yeah, don’t be such a COWard, Ron! Get it? COW-ard! We’ve been to the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death before, and it’s not so bad. And I doubt we’ll run into any of those nasty giant spiders this time.”

  “What? I’m not worried about spiders.”

  Harry and Hermione burst out in laughter.

  “Well, I’m not! Maybe I was afraid of the…gulp…. five meter spiders four years ago, but I’m not afraid of ‘em anymore.”

  Hermione pulled out her wand and said, “Unga Bunga Bunga Binga Binga Binga Bunga.” She waived the wand and a silver-blue light struck the portrait of the two fat ladies at the entrance to the Nerd House. They changed into an enormous portrait of two fat spiders. The spiders seemed eager to get off the canvas and eat them.

  Ron backed away with a revolted look on his face.

  Harry imitated Ron, “What? I’m not afraid of … gulp … spiders.”

  Ron became furious, “That’s it. I’m sick of you two, go find a cow yourselves. I’m not going to risk getting expelled for you two losers!”

  Harry apologized, “Sorry, Ron, that was very immature of us.” Hermione turned the portrait back to the fat ladies, nodding her head in agreement with what Harry said.

  Harry held out his hand and asked, “Friends?”

  Ron’s ego relaxed with the sincerity of Harry’s apology, and he almost grabbed Harry’s hand to shake it, but then he saw the tarantula Harry was holding out to him.

  “Very funny!” Ron said indignantly and turned to leave. Harry was laughing.

  Hermione grabbed Ron’s arm. “Oh stop, Ron, with all those brothers and sisters, can’t you take a joke? We were just teasing. But seriously, if you aren’t afraid of spiders….”

  At this Harry started to laugh out of control. She gave Harry a serious look, and it turned out he was able to control his laughter rather quickly.

  “If you aren’t afraid of spiders, what are you scared of? Werewolves?”

  “No!” said Ron with all the indignation he could summon.

  “Well, what then?”

  “I just don’t … want to run into any …”

  “Any what?”

  “Squirrels.”

  “Squirrels?” blinked Hermione.

  “Yeah, squirrels.”

  “Well, don’t worry about that, Ron, there aren’t any squirrels in the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death.”

  Ron gave Hermione a puzzled look.

  “The spiders ate them all,” she explained.

  It had been the coldest winter Harry could remember. Grumblesnore was too big of a cheapskate to keep the school warm enough in this weather. Students began wearing coats, gloves, and hats to class. The snow on the ground lasted for weeks. Smaller snowfalls had added to the accumulation. Everyone was getting sick of the dreariness outside.

  Ron, Harry, and Hermione decided to wait until the spring thaw before they would steal a cow. Hermione said, “It will be bad enough trying to drag a cow through five kilometers of deadly forest without adding snow to the equation.” Harry kept praying for an early spring.

  They also decided when the time came, to cut Poisons class. They needed to make sure that they got back before it got dark out. The trip would be far less dangerous if they could avoid being in the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death at night. For Harry it was a bonus to miss Poisons class with his least favorite teacher, Ape. Hermione as usually was upset about the idea of missing class, but when Harry pointed out that the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death was also educational, she had to agree. Harry even suggested that she bring a binder and take notes, and it wasn’t too long before Hermione was getting excited and packing various other school items for the trip, her objections forgotten.

  During this time, Spleen Thomas and Shameonus Finnigan, Harry’s and Ron’s roommates disappeared without a trace. Like with Professor McGooglesnot’s disappearance, it was a total mystery. The same rumors were tossed around explaining the sudden and suspected abductions. Most agreed that they must be captives in the Chamber of Cheesecakes.

  During this time, there were also three more of the usual cheesecake attacks. Amber Glow, Moe Money, and Benevolent Dictator were the victims. Harry didn’t have a clue who any of them even were. The names seemed oddly familiar, but he couldn’t even place a face with the names. That is, until all their faces appeared in the Daily Asylum. Hermione unfolded the paper one morning, and the story was on the front page, including a picture of each of the victims, now thirteen in all. The headline read:

  Cheesecake Calamity Strikes Local School,

  Thirteen Hospitalized, Ministry to Investigate

  In addition to what they already knew, the article mentioned that the school was under an investigation that was being conducted by Perky Cheesley. The Ministry was going to get to the bottom of this. It seemed likely this time Grumblesnore would get the axe.

  Harry cursed the weather. If only he could get a cow, he knew he could battle the monster in the Chamber of Cheesecakes, destroy the recipe book, and close the sinister desert pantry forever. He knew he could rescue those who had disappeared, and get the Ministry of Magic off of Grumblesnore’s back. He would once again be the hero. He pictured the cheering crowd carrying him on their shoulders, and chanting, “Putter, Putter, Putter!”

  Meanwhile, Ron became almost unrecognizable. He seemed to have become rather full of himself ever since the Ophelia Quirkey incident. For some reason, he had adopted the attitude that he was God’s gift to women, or at least nerdy adolescent ones. He started treating Hermione like she’d better shape up, if she expected him to keep her around. A week before Valentine’s Day, she couldn’t stand his inflated ego anymore and told him off. This drove Ron to break up with Hermione, which infuriated her. How could he break it off with her, when she had just told him what an insensitive clod he was, and it was obvious to everyone that wasn’t an insensitive clod, that she had broken up with him first.

  They began avoiding each other. If Harry was with one, the other would keep their distance, usually Ron ended up sitting alone in the Great Eatery.

  Then, the day before Valentine’s Day, Ron sat down next to Ophelia Quirkey. They were being a bit too friendly. Hermione couldn’t talk to Ron about it. She made Harry find out what was going on.

  Harry sadly reported back to Hermione that Ron was indeed seeing Ophelia, and had even asked her to sit next to him on the submarine ride to Atlantis. Hermione was crushed. Ron had never even asked her out officially, – the weasel. Harry felt bad for Hermione, but was secretly pleased. He realized he had been jealous of Ron the whole time he had a girlfriend while Harry didn’t.

  When Valentine’s Day arrived, things finally warmed up outside. Love was in the air. While many students were thinking of their sweethearts, Harry was thinking about a cow, that is, stealing a cow. Actually, for an instant he thought about approaching Yu Ra
ng and telling her how much he liked her. The thought made his heart race and a lump form in his throat. No, he just couldn’t.

  Ginny, however, did not suffer from the same shyness. She pulled Harry aside and pronounced her undying love for him. She said she worshipped the ground he walked on. She told him that she would serve him all her days, if he thought that one day he might feel toward her the smallest portion of the way she felt toward him. He sighed and gave her a sympathetic hug. He thought he was all too familiar with unrequited love.

  Hermione feigned nonchalance, hiding her sadness and anger. Harry knew she wanted to scratch Ophelia’s eyes out, but any sign of her anger would only make Ophelia and Ron closer. Harry tried all day to distract her.

  Two days later, Ophelia dumped Ron. Her friends didn’t care for him one bit, and they convinced her that he was a loser and she could do much better. She let Ron down gently, saying that it was the squid.

  After a week of warm weather, the grounds outside thawed. Lake Iwannabealifeguard was no longer frozen. Ron made a hard decision. He released Nemoy into the cold water of the lake in back of the school. It was the hardest thing he ever had to do. He shed a single tear when he said a fond goodbye to his playful and ever-faithful pet. Harry was there. He patted Ron’s shoulder to comfort his friend.

  When Ron informed Ophelia that he had given up Nemoy for her, she wasn’t even touched by the act. She confessed, it really was him, not the squid.

  Ron was a pitiful sight thereafter, sitting all alone in the Great Eatery. He was too embarrassed to crawl back to Harry and Hermione. So Harry convinced Hermione that they should go to him, and soon they had patched their friendship. Hermione, however, made it quite clear that she didn’t accept Ron back as a boyfriend, and she remained emotionally distant with him. When he asked her to sit next to him on the submarine ride to Atlantis, she declined.

  She was inwardly thrilled that her plan had worked. Well, not quite as well as she had expected; she hadn’t planned on Ron getting hurt in the process. She had figured Ron would be happily in another relationship. But, she knew that Ron would recover, and would be better in the long run for the experience. Maybe she could even help him find another girl friend. In reality, she owed Ron a big thank you. Ron had helped her hook the fish she was really after. All she had to do now was carefully reel him in.

  Harry, Ron, and Hermione decided it was time to steal a cow. They cut their Poisons Class and walked out the back entrance to Hogwashes. It was cold outside, cold enough that they could see wisps of water vapor in the air as they breathed out. They walked past the lake, past Hasbeen’s cabin, past the Magical Creature Petting Zoo, and into the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death.

  The edge of The Forest was much like any forest. The trees were sparse at first, but quickly became more dense. The undergrowth was out of control, and consisted mostly of wild thorn bushes that had to be circumnavigated. The floor was covered with matted down leaves. Here and there were patches of snow in the most shadowy places. They could hear distant primal screams and the crashes of the ferocious creatures, monsters, and nightmarish beasts within.

  Harry said, “I think the loud creatures aren’t nearly as dangerous as the quiet ones. I mean generally, they’re just making all that noise because something silent but deadly lethal just sunk its fangs into them.”

  Hermione nodded, “And don’t forget to watch for quicksand!”

  Ron stuck his fingers in his ears, and said, “La, La, La, La.” He wasn’t dealing with the situation very well.

  Harry led the way, stumbling over a root as he pulled his robe hem free from a sticker bush. The sun cast shadows of branches on the leaf-covered floor of the forest hundreds of feet below. Harry lead the group around a feral pack of Cheshire kittens that was tearing the carcass of a mouse apart, while Hermione jammed her wand into the eye of a seal pup to drive it off, all while Ron narrowly avoided being ensnared in the coils of a garden snake by shear dumb luck.

  A moment later, Harry drove off a flock of deadly free-range chickens by imitating the call of their most fearsome predator, the chicken hawk. Meanwhile, Hermione spotted a small but ferocious herd of deer, and didn’t hesitate to drive spell after spell at the savage hoofed creatures. She knew it was kill or be killed. Ron all the while, bought cookies from each Girl Scout he met in order to assuage their angry wrath.

  Before Harry knew it, he was backing away from a huge monstrous insect the likes of which he had never seen before. He knew he’d have nightmares about it the rest of his life. Hermione yelped as a patch of mud sucked at her shoe nearly pulling it off. She shuddered to think about what a close call that had been. If there had been any more mud, it could have taken her right shoe clean off!

  Ron, meanwhile, had a problem of his own. A wiener dog had picked up their scent and was trailing them despite all his efforts to shoo it away. It’s yip-like bark, lolling tongue, and waggling tail all signs of imminent attack, Ron thought. “Don’t Panic, Ron!” He was on the verge of hysteria, then, inspiration struck! He picked up a stick and threw it as far as he could. The wiener dog shot like a bolt! Ron wiped the perspiration from his brow. Then he wondered why the dog went in a completely different direction than the stick.

  The next thing he knew, they were completely surrounded by Arglebarg the ten meter tall spider chief and at least two dozen of her gargantuan children along with hundreds of her grandchildren, much smaller, but still huge by any spider standards. The spiders had dropped down from the canopy of spider webs and leaves above instantly surrounding their prey, Ron, Harry, and Hermione.

  Harry noticed there were several bundled up people hanging in the trees above too. The spiders had ensnared them and tied them tight in their webs to eat later. Harry pointed up and said, “Look there’s Hootie and the Blowfish!”

  Hermione and Ron looked up too and began to point out others.

  “And oh my God! That’s Adam Sandler!” pointed Hermione.

  “There’s Marilyn Manson!” pointed Ron.

  “I see that guy from Baywatch, what’s his name again, David Hasselback?” Harry asked.

  “Hasselstein,” corrected Ron incorrectly.

  “You guys watch too much TV, oh my God! Look up there, there’s Michelle Geller!” Hermione pointed.

  “Where?” asked Ron. She pointed until Ron could see her.

  Harry asked, “Is that Will Smith?”

  Ron said, “Yeah, but I don’t know who those old guys are next to him.”

  “I think that’s the Rolling Stones,” said Hermione, “but it might be Jefferson Starship or something. Who knows?”

  “I see Keira Knightley,” pointed Harry.

  “And there’s Tom Cruise,” said Ron.

  “I just love gazing at the stars!” sighed Hermione.

  “Hey, what’s with the thirteen dwarves up there? What are they from?” asked Ron.

  “Beat’s me,” shrugged Harry.

  “Hey, isn’t that the Ford Anglia Ice Cream Van that helped you get away from those ugly spiders like four years ago?” asked Hermione.

  “Yeah, looks like they got her in the end,” replied Ron with a sigh.

  “Ahem!” interrupted Arglebarg angrily.

  Harry turned his head and noticed the spider chief again. “Uh, guys? We forgot about the spiders.” Ron and Hermione were quickly brought back to the reality of their situation.

  “I’m glad you like our collection, would you care to get a closer look?” asked the monstrous spider hungrily. Hundreds of spiders started to close in on their prey, even though the three children were barely a snack for some of the largest ones.

  “Wait!” shouted Hermione. The spiders paused.

  “What is it, child?” asked Arglebarg who had a bit more patience than the younger spiders.

  “Errr, …. Hasbeen gave us a message to give to you,” Hermione lied. Hasbeen was the one responsible for raising the giant spider, Arglebarg, and Arglebarg was responsible for all the other abnormally large spiders in
The Forest. They were all her children.

  “A message from Hasbeen? What is his message?” asked Arglebarg, remembering the friend who raised her as a child, feeding her delicious bunnies, kittens, rats, and such.

  “Hasbeen says, errrrr,” thought Hermione.

  “Yes? Yes?” implored the chief spider.

  Harry jumped in as Hermione struggled, “Hasbeen says that he wants to invite you all to a reunion party!”

  “A reunion party?” Tears were forming in the eight eyes of Arglebarg.

  “Yes,” said Hermione.

  “But how will Hasbeen feed all of us?” the giant spider asked eagerly. “There are not enough rats, bunnies, and kittens in all of Hogwashes. There aren’t even enough elves to feed us all. That’s why Hasbeen let me go into The Forest in the first place.”

  “Errrrr, ummmm, Harry?” Hermione came up blank again.

  Harry jumped in again, “Hasbeen’s going to feed you the students at Hogwashes. He’s going to feed you the Popular Rich and very Tasty Kids.”

  Arglebarg began to drool at the thought. “This is too good to be true! When is the party?”

  Harry continued to answer the chief’s questions, “Friday the 13th at 3pm, and don’t forget to bring your appetite.”

  “Ahh, yes, we wouldn’t miss it for the world!” the ten-meter monster replied happily.

  “And how many guests should Hasbeen expect then?” asked Harry.

  “All of us, that’s me, my twenty eight children, and two hundred and eighty six grandchildren. Three hundred fifteen of us in all.”

  Harry, Ron, and Hermione began to feel like they might just get out of this alive yet.

  “Right then, so we’ll just let Hasbeen know you’ll be coming,” said Harry as his friends and he began backing away.

  “Where do you think you are going children?”