Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

“Well, we do have to tell Hasbeen you are coming, after all!” replied Harry coolly.

  “It only takes one of you to do that!” laughed Arglebarg fiendishly. The spiders began creeping forward. Ron screamed a high-pitched shriek, that Harry thought sounded more like a girl screaming. Then all of a sudden, a squirrel appeared out of nowhere making three quick chomps on one of Arglebarg’s eight legs. She howled with pain and rage.

  The same squirrel seemed to be everywhere at once, throwing acorns at one spider, jumping on another, biting a third. It wove through their legs and pounced on them with blinding speed. Spiders began clunking their heads together, and wrapping each other up in webs aimed at where the squirrel had been just a moment before. Eight eyes were not enough for any spider to keep track of the squirrel as it weaved in and out of their brothers’ and sisters’ legs wreaking havoc. Soon the spiders were in chaos shouting in their despair as the squirrel simply ran circles around them, biting and scratching.

  “Now’s our chance,” Harry yelled, hoping that Hermione and Ron would hear him over Ron’s piercing and unending scream, and the three friends took off at a run leaving the squirrel to battle three hundred and fifteen giant spiders. Ron was still screaming as he ran.

  Grub the Giant, Hasbeen’s half brother, winced as the much too loud scream blasted his ears much like a shrieking siren of an ambulance, as they flew by him. They ran past centaurs and werewolves who were too stunned by the sudden screaming appearance and disappearance of the three students, to react. They ran past confused bugbears and bandersnatches that looked up at the sudden high-pitched noise, but were unable to bring their eyes into focus on the creature or creatures that flew by suddenly while making it. They frightened bogarts and banshees as the high-pitched scream of Ron’s was suddenly wailing in the spooks’ ears, then gone as quickly as it had come.

  Then the three stopped running when they came to a mansion, deeper than they had ever been in The Forbidden Forest of Sure Death. They panted trying to catch their breath.

  “What is this place?” Hermione voiced the question on all of their minds.

  The mansion grounds were surrounded by a six-foot tall wrought-iron fence. Through the fence they could see the huge white classical building. From their angle they could also see a distant tennis court and swimming pool in a gardenlike backyard. About a half a kilometer behind, cattle were in a corral next to a stucco ranch building. More of The Forest was beyond the clearing surrounding the mansion and its grounds.

  “Those are cows!” said Ron blinking to make sure they were real.

  Ron walked down to the front gate, and opened it. He called, “It’s open, should we go inside?”

  As Harry approached he noticed a seal on the gate. It was a shield-like crest with a cheesecake in the center. Harry gaped at it for a moment, pointing at it for the others to see, “Hummmina, Hummina, Hmmmmmm.”

  He said, “You two get a cow, I’m going to go inside and see if I can get some answers. I’ll bet we’ll soon know who the Err of the Heir really is!”

  “Forget it, Harry, I’m going too,” said Hermione, her curiosity would not allow her to keep away.

  “What? You guys aren’t going in there, are you? What if there’s squirrels inside?” said Ron with a note of panic in his voice.

  “Are you kidding, Ron?” asked Hermione incredulously. “That squirrel just saved your life!”

  “No way! It was eating those spiders alive, and we were going to be dessert!”

  “Well, I guess you can stay here and keep a look out for us,” said Harry.

  Ever the chicken, Ron said, “Heh, heh, on second thought, I think I’ll come too.”

  They pulled out their wands and walked up the path that led from the gate to the front steps of the mansion. They walked between massive classical pillars supporting a huge pediment above them. Harry looked in the windows next to the door. The front hall had a huge marble staircase curving upward to a landing with some huge windows, there was the same cheesecake crest embedded into the floor of the hallway, with a huge crystal chandelier above. No one was in sight.

  Ron knocked on the door.

  “Ron, you idiot! Why did you knock?” Harry was furious.

  “What? Don’t we want to see who’s home?”

  Harry ranted, “No, you twit! What an ignoramus! How could I be so stupid as to bring YOU along to steal a cow! Why don’t you just phone the police now, and turn us in? I can’t believe what a clod you are! What are you going to say when someone answers the door, Ron? ‘Ummm, hello, we’re here to take a cow, can we borrow a rope to lead it away?’ Oh, why? Why, do I have to put up with such a dork? What an IDIOT!”

  Hermione held her fingers to her lips and whispered, “Shhhh, Harry, your shouting just made far more noise than Ron did by knocking, and if anyone’s listening, you just told them what we’re doing here. Very stupid, indeed!”

  But no one answered the door.

  A minute later, Hermione tested the knob, the door wasn’t even locked. “I guess they don’t get many visitors being this deep in The Forest.”

  She poked her head inside the door and looked around. No one was in sight. So she stepped in, with Harry and Ron following. There was a hall to the left and another to the right. She quietly crept down the hall to the left and poked her head into a red-carpeted music room with a piano and a harp. She headed for the next door and found a beautiful great ballroom. Still no one was around. Nearby were two bathrooms. The next door led to a kitchen, where elves were busy at work. She carefully closed the door, and backed down the hallway to the entrance hall. She tried the other hall on the right. She admired a giant tapestry hanging there. The old tapestry depicted wizards fighting giants. She opened a door and found the library. It wasn’t empty.

  There was a man inside, whom none of them had ever seen before. Harry recognized the strange position the man was sitting in. He had his legs crossed in the lotus position. The man was doing yoga! His eyes were closed in a meditative trance. Then, he spoke in a dreamy far away voice, “Next year’s Super Bowl winner will be the NY Giants.”

  Hermione looked at Harry. Harry looked at Ron. Ron looked at Hermione.

  The man continued a moment later saying, “Ron is wearing pink underwear with white bunnies.”

  “AM NOT!” yelled Ron. The man only continued to breathe shallowly. Ron looked at Harry and Hermione and said, “He’s lying!”

  “Invest in plastics, it’s the wave of the future.”

  Hermione took out her notebook and started writing, “Ooooh, this could be very educational!”

  Ron looked worried, “You aren’t going to write down that bit about my underwear? Are you?”

  Hermione replied, “No, of course not.”

  “Hold on, I’ll be right back,” said Ron, and he dashed out of the room.

  “Before the sun sets, Harry Putter will die!” said the strange man.

  “Oh, great, someone else predicting my death, and yet, here I am still alive. Idiot!” said Harry indignantly. Hermione wrote it down.

  “A chance meeting opens new doors to success and friendship.”

  “So, did you write down the part about Ron’s underwear?”

  “Uh, huh.”

  “Do you recognize this guy?” asked Harry.

  “No,” replied Hermione, “do you?”

  “No.”

  “There is prospect of a thrilling time ahead for you.”

  “I think we should go get a cow, I can’t figure out this weirdo,” said Harry.

  “Place special emphasis on old friendships.”

  Ron dashed in holding a half-gallon of chocolate chip ice cream, his weapon of choice. He cracked the man over the head with it. “That should shut him up!”

  “Ron! I’m surprised at you!” said Harry. “Was THAT really necessary?”

  “No, but it felt good,” Ron shrugged.

  Harry thought, “Now Hermione’s violent tendencies are making Ron violent, too. Why can’t we all just get
along in peace and harmony, the way nature intended?”

  They made their way out the backdoor, through the extensive gardens, through the field to the ranch house. Ron grabbed a rope. They rustled a steer from the corral. Ron put his wand in his robe pocket for safekeeping while he tied the rope around the steer’s neck. When he was finished, he noticed the steer was chewing on the end of his wand.

  “Oh, great, there goes another one,” he sighed.

  They led the steer around the house, through the gate, and through the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death toward Hogwashes.

  As they walked, Harry asked, “So who do you suppose that millionaire guy with the mansion is? And why the cheesecake? It’s got to have something to do with the Chamber of Cheesecake, doesn’t it? I mean, it can’t just be a coincidence, can it?”

  Ron shrugged stupidly.

  “It’s very curious, isn’t it?” replied Hermione. “And these cattle aren’t dairy cows, either. They have nothing to do with cheesecake. And just one more thing, those kitchen-elves weren’t making cheesecake.”

  Millionaire business mogul, the reclusive Dr. Sherlock, world-renown for his food preparation factory’s line of Dr. Sherlock Cheesecakes, the creamiest cheesecakes known to mankind, said, “Ow,” and slumped to the floor of his mansion’s library.

  A week and a half later, Hasbeen had the second worst Friday the Thirteenth ever. Three hundred and fifteen hungry giant spiders showed up at three in the afternoon at his cabin door and were greatly disappointed.

  Chapter 14 - Guardians of the Cheesecakes

  When they finally got the steer back to the Nerd House common room, it was just after dusk and time for dinner. Ginny Cheesley noticed them and asked, “Hey, what’s that thing for?”

  Ron replied, “We’re gonna put it in Largebottom’s bed tonight. Boy, won’t he be in for a surprise when he pulls back his sheets tomorrow morning!”

  “Whoo hoo hoo! It’ll be a classic; won’t Fred and George be proud!”

  Hermione, Harry, and Ron left the steer in the Nerd House common room, where it went unnoticed for several hours.

  They had dinner in the Great Eatery. Ron wrote a note to his mother:

  Please send more wands.

  Love,

  Ron

  “I can’t believe I’m out again already.”

  Later that night when most of the Nerds were asleep they met in the common room again, to finally make their attempt to get past the guard poodle and into the Chamber of Cheesecakes. A few Nerd students were up late watching Star Trek on the television in the Nerd House common room. When they saw Harry, Ron, and Hermione leading a cow out, they just figured the three were up to their usual hi-jinks.

  The special cloak of Harry’s was nowhere big enough to cover the cow so they left it behind. In fact, they had become so accustomed to sneaking around after curfew, that they were becoming more and more negligent. Harry completely forgot to check the Malarkey map before they left. He was too lazy to go back for it, so he sent Ron to peek around corners to see if anyone was there, before they brought the cow.

  On the third floor, a suit of armor jumped down in front of them and lifting its visor, revealed inside was custodian Gretchen Shoemacher. She had them caught red-handed. “Ah hah!” she cried out. “I’ve got you! Now you are going to finally get what’s coming to you! You sneaky kids think you can fool me, but not THIS time. This time, you’re gonna get yours! THIS time…”

  Both Harry and Ron pulled out their wands and yelled, “Stupidify!”

  Harry’s spell of course stunned Shoemacher, who flopped forward with a loud crash.

  Ron’s broken wand fizzled and caused gravity to reverse. Everyone nearby instantly catapulted to the ceiling. Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat up, groaning. Harry was rubbing his neck. Hermione had both hands on top of her head. Ron was rolling on the ceiling holding his arm. In his fall, his wand became further broken. The steer was lolling loudly, and sprang up from the unfortunate Shoemacher who had broken its fall and was now unconscious. Hermione pulled a gauntlet off from Shoemacher, checked for a pulse, then said, “She probably would have died had she not been wearing that suit of armor. I think she’ll be alright.”

  “Hermione, look at her face! Her nose has fallen off!” said Ron with disgust.

  Hermione grabbed the nose and examined it. “It’s rubber.”

  She removed the helmet from Shoemacher’s head, with it came the woman’s hair.

  “It’s a wig!”

  Harry pointed, “That’s not a woman. It’s Belch!”

  Ron asked, “What’s Belch doing outta the hospital wing?”

  Hermione asked, “Why’s he dressed like a woman?”

  “Maybe he’s the Heir of the Err,” suggested Ron.

  “He must be!” Harry concluded. “No one could be that stupid!”

  “He must have faked his own cheesecake attack! Why would he do that?” asked Hermione.

  “To make sure no one would suspect him as the Heir of the Err!” she answered herself. “Harry, did you ever search the hospital wing?”

  “No! I never bothered to look for a recipe book there!”

  “Well, that proves it then! What do we do now?” asked Ron.

  “We have the cow, we may as well see what’s in the Chamber of Cheesecakes. Let’s get going!” said Harry, leading the steer, walking along the ceiling.

  They led the cow up a flight of stairs using the underside of the steps. They cast levitation spells to get to areas they couldn’t normally reach from the ceiling. Then, on the fifth floor, they spotted Professor Ape patrolling the corridors, looking for a chance to subtract points from anyone who wasn’t a PRK. He heard the echoing clunking of the cow’s hooves. Ape looked all around for the mysterious source of the noise, but he never looked up.

  “Putter, I know that’s you! Putter!” He started groping around as though trying to locate an invisible object. As they continued past Ape high above on the ceiling, they could hear him yelling, “Putter, I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I do!” Then he ran off, probably to wake up Grumblesnore.

  When they reached the sixth floor ceiling, they kept levitating themselves and the steer up to the floor, until the anti-gravity spell finally wore off. When it did, they rolled over and stood up.

  “What a relief to have my feet back on the ground,” said Hermione.

  They opened the door to the room with Skippy the poodle and pushed the steer in. When the horrible carnage began, they ran through the room, lifted the trapdoor, and revealed a chute. Harry threw caution to the wind, and slid down it. He was deposited on an old mattress. Hermione and Ron were right behind him. Ron’s wand snapped in a third spot as he landed. He tossed it away.

  Harry and Hermione lit up their wands by reciting the spell, “G.E., we bring good things to life.” They blinked until they became accustomed to the new illumination, and took in their surroundings. They were at the end of a secret passage. They followed it until they came to the other end, where there was a door. Harry opened it. There was a hallway on the other side, lit by torches. Harry noticed the hallway was blocked just ahead of them by the red and white striped wooden bar of a tollbooth gate. A loud growling snore could be heard coming from the tollbooth.

  “What’s a tollbooth doing in the middle of a secret passage?” asked Ron quietly.

  “More important, what’s making all that noise?” whispered Hermione.

  They peeked in through the window of the tollbooth. It was occupied by a fearsome creature. It had the hindquarters of a lion, the wings of a bird, and the face of a woman. Her sharp teeth became momentarily exposed each time she loudly inhaled.

  “That’s the ugliest toll collector I’ve ever seen,” whispered Ron.

  “I saw an uglier one once in New Jersey,” replied Hermione. “But that’s beside the point.”

  “That’s the sphinx,” Harry said quietly. “It’s the same one I met during the Fry-Wizard Tournament.”

  “The sphinx is a
rare and intelligent creature,” began Hermione. “It asks you a riddle, and if you can’t answer it, it eats you. The first person to answer the Riddle of the Sphinx and survive was Theseus of the Greeks. Harry is the only other person I’ve ever heard of that encountered a sphinx, solved her riddle, and lived.”

  “That doesn’t sound like something I want to face, should we jump over the bar?” asked Ron.

  “Can you jump that high, Ron?” asked Hermione.

  “I think so,” whispered Ron.

  “Give it a shot, let’s see if it works,” encouraged Harry.

  Ron readied himself for the attempt, then dashed forward gaining momentum as he ran down the passage. When he reached the bar, he sprang. He got enough height that his lead foot cleared the tollbooth bar, however, his back foot didn’t clear and he ended up landing face first on the stone floor with a quiet thud. A loud alarm rang on the tollbooth wall, waking the sphinx. She quickly turned the annoying alarm off.

  The sphinx yawned and stretched, then casually put her head out of the tollbooth. “Oh great, more children. Isn’t that just stellar? Here I am, the most formidable guardian known to mankind, protecting some supposedly hugely important treasure room, from what? Kids. I could be replaced by a childproof cabinet latch. I tell you anyone of intelligence would be depressed, and here I am with an IQ way off the charts, and a brain the size of Zion. It’s enough to make me want to quit this cushy little job, and I only have three more months until I can retire and collect my pension.”

  She paused to look at the three children. “This is the part where you make sympathetic noises.”

  “Aw, poor thing!”

  “Tsk, tsk, how horrible.”

  “Ow, I dink I broke my nose.”

  “Too little, too late,” the sphinx sighed.

  “Maybe you really should quit?” Harry said hopefully.

  “Say, I remember you, you’re Harry Putter. Back again, eh? Say, can I get your autograph this time? Not for myself of course, I got two little monstrosities at home. And I’m not just saying that, they really are hideous.”