Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  “Sure,” Harry obliged. Using his quill, Harry signed two dried out bones for the sphinx. Hermione, Ron, and Harry all silently wondered if the bones were human bones.

  “Excellent, you’re easily my best adversary of the day.”

  “So, we’re the only ones so far then, right?” asked Hermione.

  “My, my, you are an exception, aren’t you? Well then, let’s get down to business. Let me explain the rules.” The sphinx cleared her throat, “Ahem. In order to pass, you must each answer the Riddle of the Sphinx. And your friends can’t help you.”

  Hermione became nervous. “Oh, I’m so worried, what if I can’t answer the question?”

  “If you can’t answer or you get the answer wrong, I throw a pie in your face, laugh at you, and send you back to your Common Room,” answered the sphinx.

  “Oh, what a relief, I thought you were going to eat us!” replied Hermione.

  “Well, I’d really love to, but I’ve been instructed not to eat the students. So as disappointed as I know you must be, I’m afraid it’s going to have to be pie.”

  “What kind of pie?” asked Ron. Hermione gave him a look.

  “I prefer banana cream,” replied the sphinx.

  “Cool! I love banana cream, I’ll go first,” said Ron, licking his lips.

  “Good luck, Ron,” whispered Hermione.

  “Very well. Your riddle is: where did you get the cow that you used to get past the poodle?”

  “From the corral at the mansion in The Forbidden Forest of Sure Death.”

  Hermione was nervous for Ron. Was his answer good enough?

  “Very well,” said the sphinx. She pressed the button to raise the bar that blocked the dungeon hallway, “You may pass.” Ron strolled past, and the gate lowered again.

  “Holy Crap! That’s easy! Harry, you made that Fry-wizard tourney-thing sound tough. I can’t believe I was worried. I’ll go next,” Hermione said, stepping forward.

  “Very well, your riddle is: what is the annual rainfall of Muskogee, Oklahoma?” asked the sphinx.

  Hermione’s jaw dropped. Dumbfound, she blinked and muttered, “How should I know?” Very quickly she found herself in the Nerd House Common Room, her face covered in banana cream pie. The laughter of the sphinx ringing in her ears was quickly replaced by the laughter of the late-night Nerds surrounding her. She spat, stomped her foot, and said, “I hate banana cream pie.”

  “Oh, that’s too bad,” said the sphinx, “sorry about your friend with the big head.”

  Harry stepped up, “I’m ready for your question.”

  The sphinx said, “Your riddle is:

  A friend of yours has strange habits,

  one of them has to do with rabbits.

  If you were to go down under,

  it would certainly give you cause to wonder:

  Why would he wear his undergarments

  covered with the fuzzy varmints?

  But one question stands out above the others,

  Why would he wear underwear this color?

  What color is it?”

  Harry sighed, this was obviously a longer and more difficult riddle to solve. Well, he had no time to lose, he’d have to get started analyzing the riddle line by line.

  He thought, “Hmmm, a friend of yours has strange habits. Well, Hermione and Ron are my best friends, and they both have some very strange habits. One of them has to do with rabbits. Neither Ron nor Hermione had a pet rabbit. Could it be someone else, some other friend with a rabbit? Perverti Pickle had a rabbit, but she’s more of an acquaintance than a friend, and I think she said it died. I can’t remember anyone else having one, except, Bingo! Humphrey the Wise and Mystical has stage rabbits! Next line.”

  Just then Ron coughed to get his attention. He looked at Ron who was holding his hand up with all his fingers curled down, except his pinky finger, which was extended.

  Harry looked puzzled.

  Ron pointed at his pinky finger.

  “Must Concentrate. Next line,” Harry thought. “If you were to go down under. Australia? What does Australia have to do with me, I don’t know anyone from down under. Or do I? Nope, I don’t. Paul Hogan? Nah. Next line. It would certainly give you cause to wonder. I’ll bet. Next line.”

  Just then, Ron started singing and strutting, “I’m coming up, so you better get this party started!” It was really distracting.

  “Zip it, Ron, I’m trying to concentrate!”

  He thought, “Next line. Why would he wear his undergarments. HIS! It had to be a guy. It couldn’t be Hermione! It had to be Ron, Humphrey the Wise and Mystical, or Paul Hogan. Next line. Covered with the fuzzy varmints. Fuzzy varmints could be rabbits. Who do I know who has a rabbit? Ron had a rat, Scrabbles but Scrabbles turned out to be Vermintail, a servant of the Fart Lord, and ran away, but rats ARE fuzzy varmints.”

  Another cough from Ron, caused Harry to look up again. This time Ron had his pants down, and was waving his butt around.

  “Cripes, Ron, quit it! How am I supposed to solve this riddle when you keep acting like a complete idiot!”

  “Next line. But one question stands out above the others, leading to the final question, why would he wear underwear this color? What color is it?”

  Harry sighed, “Ron, do you know the answer?”

  “I’ve been trying to tell you the answer for the past five minutes.”

  The sphinx interrupted, “No cheating! Your friend can’t tell you the answer!”

  “Can he give me a hint?” asked Harry.

  “Well, I suppose, you are Harry Putter after all, we can’t expect you to stick entirely to the rules,” conceded the sphinx.

  Ron asked Harry, “Remember that weirdo in the mansion?”

  “Yeah.”

  “He made a prediction, remember?”

  “Yeah, the next super bowl winner will be the NY Giants. I already called my bookie and placed a ten galley bet on ‘em.”

  Ron buried his face in his hands, “Keep going.”

  “Something about plastic.”

  “Keep going.”

  “Ron Cheesley wears pink fuzzy bunny underwear.”

  “Yes!”

  The sphinx hit the button and the bar raised to let Harry Putter walk past. She chuckled to herself as Harry and his friend walked down the hall into the next room. Then she slapped her paw on the intercom button and said, “This is Ernie calling Bert, come in Bert. Over.”

  A moment later, “Bert,” buzzed in, “Bert here. Yes?”

  “Target has just passed checkpoint B. Over.”

  “Excellent! Good job, Ernie.”

  “Really? You think so? Well, I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Hearing you say that, well, it really makes my day! What a rewarding experience this job has been. So much opportunity for personal growth. Why, I tell you…”

  Ron and Harry walked down the hall into the next room, where the next cunningly devised trap awaited all who might attempt to gain entrance to the Chamber of Cheesecakes. They entered the Bingo Hall. Inside there were many people who had made it this far in their endeavor to reach the elusive room of cheesecakes. Those who had braved the peril of Skippy the Poodle and correctly answered the Riddle of the Sphinx, now sat around with numbered cards in front of them, waiting for the next number to be called. Some of them were skeletons covered with cobwebs. Some of them were asleep. They spotted their roommates, Spleen Davis and Shameonus Finnigan. Professor McGooglesnot was also there, playing nine cards and smoking like a fiend.

  A ghost that Harry and Ron had never seen before was calling out the numbers. He cried out, “B1.” McGooglesnot covered B1 on two of her cards with a chuckle.

  Harry went to the pile of cards, and searched for ones that had B1 on it, he took one for himself, and one for Ron, and grabbed some bingo chips, waiting for the next number to be called out.

  “N34,” called the ghost. Neither of them had N34 on their cards.

  “What are we doing?” whispered Ron.
/>   “Playing bingo,” Harry whispered back.

  “I know, but why?”

  “It must be our next test. If we can win, maybe we can move on.”

  “O67”

  Ron covered O67 on his card then waited for the next number.

  “Z194”

  “Z194? That’s not a real bingo number!” Ron complained loudly.

  “Hush up, Cheesley, I want to hear the next number!” retorted Professor McGooglesnot.

  “YY39,189”

  “Harry, I think this is going to be a long game,” said Ron looking around the room. “How can we speed this up?”

  “Let’s cheat!” whispered Harry.

  Ron and Harry pulled out their quills, and as the ghost called each number, they wrote them down on their bingo card in a row. On the fourth call, they each wrote down PPP4,367,147 and cried out, “BINGO!”

  Professor McGooglesnot scowled, “Beginner’s luck.”

  The ghost came over and checked their cards, and declared them winners. They were allowed to pass through the next door.

  They followed the corridor beyond the Bingo Hall. There were no doors to either side, and very soon they came to a yellow wall of cheese blocking the way.

  “That’s odd, you don’t see a wall made of cheese every day,” said Harry.

  “I hope this means we’re getting close to the Chamber of Cheesecakes,” Ron replied.

  “What kind is it?”

  Ron put his nose up to it and smelled. “I think it’s mozzarella! My favorite! I’ll eat the whole thing. But when he tried to gouge a piece from the wall with his finger, he couldn’t.

  “Try to take a bite, but be careful, don’t break your teeth.”

  Ron tried to take a bite gingerly. His teeth sunk into the cheese, where his fingers couldn’t. He chewed a bit. “Yuck, it’s cheddar!” He tried to spit it out, but couldn’t, he had to swallow it.

  “Start eating your way through.”

  “Why do I have to eat it? Why can’t you?”

  “Well, you are a Cheesley after all, aren’t you?”

  Forty-five minutes later Ron clutched his full and extended belly and groaned again. “Ugggh, I can’t go on! I’m stuffed. I can’t even move.” It was his third time stopping, only this time, he sat down, and leaned against the wall of cheese.

  “Come on, Ron, you’re almost done,” pleaded Harry.

  “Ugggh! Harry, you’ll have to go on alone. I can’t make the hole big enough for me. You’ll have to squeeze through the hole I made. I think it’s big enough for you, you’re skinnier than I am.”

  Harry looked at poor Ron, he was almost green from eating so much cheddar cheese. “Don’t worry Ron, I’ll send for help once I get out of here.”

  “Good luck, Harry!”

  It was a tight squeeze, but Harry made it through.

  Chapter 15 - The Chamber of Cheesecakes

  On the other side of the cheese wall the air was dark and cool. Harry, alone now, lit up his wand once more, and then followed the passage to another door. He opened it wondering what he would have to face next, a dragon perhaps?

  No. There was no dragon inside the tackily decorated room. The room was oriental in style, with rice paper walls and plastic flowers in large vases. It was illuminated by intricately painted paper lanterns. The furniture looked like it was from the seventies. There was a couch, two chairs, and a coffee table in one section. The other side of the room was a kitchen nook. The little kitchen had a table and a counter with a sink and a coffee maker. Under the counter there was a mini refrigerator. Nearby, was a water cooler. There was also a door, opposite Harry. However, no cheesecakes were in sight. Harry started for the refrigerator.

  Suddenly two large ninjas burst through the rice paper walls, one of them expertly swinging nunchucks, the other drawing knives.

  “Gulp, Ron? Hermione?”

  Then a third and smaller ninja burst through another rice paper screen. He was holding a spear.

  “Neville?”

  The two big ninjas started to laugh. Harry thought he had heard that laugh before. Then the smaller ninja pointed at him and said, “Looks like we have you now, Putter!”

  It was the voice of Faco Maldoy!

  “Faco! Shabby! Foil!”

  “None other! Surrender Putter, or prepare to duel!”

  “Don’t you mean prepare to die?” asked Harry, his wand at the ready.

  “Die, Putter? Do you know how much trouble we’d be in, if we killed you? Don’t be stupid! Hey, guys, let’s shave his head bald!” replied Faco. Shabby and Foil laughed.

  “You’ll do no such thing, boys,” sneered Carnivorous Ape as he appeared in the doorway opposite. “Good work boys, you finally caught him. That’s an extra twenty points for the PRKs. Now, it’s time for you to hit the Jacuzzi. Head back to the PRK spa room.”

  The three PRKs headed for the door behind Ape. Harry started to follow.

  “Not you, PUTTER!” yelled Ape. He paused, then said, “Well, well, well, it looks like you’ve really stuck your neck out this time, Putter. You put it right on the chopping block, and now you’re going to be expelled!” Ape laughed. “Hand me your wand, Putter!” He held out his hand, expecting Harry to give it up peacefully.

  Harry had no choice, he had to hand over his wand to Ape. He regretfully surrendered it.

  “And I might add, it has been a long time coming.” Ape sneered. “You see, Putter, you never learn! You don’t know how predictable you have become. The Fart Lord trapped you last year using your uncle as bait, and you predictably ran to the rescue. It gave me an idea, Harry, a way to get rid of you. Yes, Harry, I loathe you. I hate you because you are the son of James Putter.”

  Harry interrupted, “You hate me because my father treated you like …like… dirt when you were both students?”

  “At first, yes, but it’s more than that now. Like your father you never follow the rules either. Rule and laws are there so that we can all enjoy the same rights and privileges as each other, without endangering each other, hurting each other, or killing each other. Your father had no respect for the rules, and neither do you. You think you’re special! Above the law. You are cheating scum, and yet people love you for it. That’s the rub! It’s just not right! They should hate you for the juvenile delinquent that you are! You are no better than a hoodlum. If we all followed your lead, Putter, we might as well flush society down the toilet, where it would belong. We could all live like animals, doing whatever felt best at the moment. Take for example the Chamber of Cheesecakes, if this really was a Chamber of Cheesecakes, what would you have done with ...”

  Harry interrupted again, “Wait a sec, ‘if this really was a Chamber of Cheesecakes?’ What does that mean? This can’t be it?”

  “Poor confused boy. No, Putter, you see, I trapped you. I made up the Chamber of Cheesecakes. I bought a Dr Sherlock’s cheesecake. I made a sign. I made up a mystery. One that you simply couldn’t resist. So, no Harry, there is no Chamber of Cheesecakes, no Err of Slipperin, only a boy in a room he shouldn’t be in if he followed the rules. You are so predictable, Putter.”

  “So the guard dog, the riddle, the bingo game, and the wall of cheese all guard … nothing?” asked Harry.

  “The teacher’s lounge,” said Ape, holding his hand up, indicating the room they were in.

  Harry was having a bit of trouble catching up to the reality of the situation.

  Belch walked in through the door behind Ape. He was still wearing the suit of armor. “Harry Putter, Ha, HA! Looks like you finally caught him, Professor! Thank God.” Belch started doing a little victory dance. “Finally, I can stop wearing that stupid dress.”

  Ape smiled, “And now Harry, you’ve broken your probation, and Grumblesnore will have no choice but to expel you. Good riddance to bad rubbish.”

  “Grumblesnore won’t …”

  Ape snapped, “He most certainly will! You’ll see! There you go again, expecting to be treated special! You are not special! Yo
u are just like everyone else, Putter, and when you or anyone else breaks the rules, there are consequences and repercussions!”

  Harry protested, “Well, we’ll just see about that! Let’s go talk to Grumblesnore! I bet he’ll have you sacked once he finds out about your evil little plot! You’re sick, you are. All those children suffering, just so you could catch me. It’s sick I tell you.”

  Ape laughed, “Children suffering? Do you honestly think we would hurt the other students? Stories, Harry. All stories. The reason you don’t know any of the children who were attacked, is because we made them all up. I also think you will be quite surprised to know that Grumblesnore is in on the whole thing. It was his guard dog, his sphinx, his bingo game, and his wall of cheese. You see, Putter, Grumblesnore has had five years, six if you count preschool, of trying to run a school with you around, and like me, he is quite sick of it, too.”

  “So you three conspired to get rid of me this year!”

  “Yes, Putter, and if I’m not mistaken, Grumblesnore will be here very shortly to say goodbye, and I’m sure he will be in a very good mood.”

  “You’re insane, Ape,” came a voice from behind one of the rice paper screens. It was the voice of Gildersneeze Farthard, yet he sounded different somehow. Harry breathed a sigh of relief. Gildersneeze would save him from Professor Ape. Harry knew everything would be all right.

  Farthard burst into the room destroying another rice paper wall. “If you think I’m going to let you expel Harry, you missed your path in life. You should have been a jester! Harry is a celebrity among wizards, not only has he on several occasions defeated He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Smelled, but he has won dozens of quibbage matches, and the Fry-Wizard Tournament. Harry’s fame has been spreading throughout the world like wildfire. And Hogwashes is making a KILLING selling Harry Putter books, T-shirts, toys, and other promotional merchandise.”