Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

by Michelle Horst

  The crate creaks close by my feet. I hear heavy breathing, fast and raspy. Sounds I haven’t heard before comes from near my feet, and I pull them up, slowly curling into a ball. My knees press hard into the wall. It’s cold and I shiver as I wrap my arms tightly around me.

  The rebels by my feet groan but they don’t sound like they’re in pain. I tense up. I don’t want to hear anymore. Kisses, I can hear them clearly now, their breaths are heavy, rasping faster. I cover my ears and pinch my eyes close, but I can still hear them.

  The rebels are truly Dissolute - they are barbarians! My throat closes up and tears spill over my cheeks. I let them run so I can keep my ears covered.

  I want to go home!

  Something hard pushes against my back and I whimper like the coward I am. Frightened, I let go of my ears, curling into as small a ball as I can.

  “Shhh, it’s okay.” Chance’s voice is soft – kind.

  He takes hold of me and draws me to his chest. His hand presses over my ear, and he hugs me to his chest until all I hear is his heart beating. I concentrate hard on the thumping sound, trying to match my own to his. Then only do I become aware of his other arm around my waist, holding me tightly. His fingers brush softly over my lower back, and it soothes me.

  Something knocks against our crate again and I jerk with fright. Embarrassment washes through me, like a numbing wave as I grab hold of Chance, curling into him. I’m about to crawl under him. He doesn’t pull away but slips his arm up my back, holding me tighter, and I get my wish as he angles his body half over mine. I swallow my embarrassment down. Chance is all that stands between this world I’ve been thrown into - one I don’t understand - and my survival.

  I close my eyes, thinking there is no way I’m going to fall asleep with so many people around me, with Chance holding me, but I do. I dream of burning lights falling from the sky while I fly.

  ~*~

  When I wake up my face is pressed tightly against something warm and hard. Whatever I’m clutching, it isn’t my pillow. I slowly let go and for a moment I’m confused. It takes a few minutes for me to remember all that has happened in the last twenty four hours.

  Chance lifts himself and hovers over me. He lowers himself a little until his mouth is close to my ear. He was awake all the time I was clinging to him? Oh no! I can just die right here!

  “We’re going to move now,” he whispers and his breath is hot on my skin. It sends a strange warmth I’ve never felt before, spreading through my body.

  I turn my head up wanting to whisper okay, but with the movement his mouth brushes over my cheek, and I freeze. There’s a weird fluttering sensation in the region of my stomach and it intensifies for another split second as his breath is hot on my face. This is the closest I’ve ever been to a kiss! It can’t really be called anything near a kiss, but still, his lips are touching my cheek! Then he yanks away from me, leaving my stomach all knotted up, and I wonder if the fluttering sensation wasn’t just a figment of my imagination.

  I move to sit up and suppress a groan when every muscle in my body protests. It puts some space between Chance and me, which shrinks away when he sits up, too. The wall is cold against my back as I press up against it. I didn’t know I had muscles in my back, they’re stiff and I stretch to try and loosen them. It’s dark with only a shimmer of light coming from the toilets. A chorus of snoring sounds up from everywhere and I don’t know how I slept through it all.

  “Ethan, wake up and wake up Aaron. Do it quietly,” Chance whispers. “Don’t make a sound. Walk where I walk.” He eases himself up in one fluent motion.

  I get up as graceful as my aching body will allow me to, pressing myself against the wall. The wood creaks beneath us and I cringe. We’re going to wake them all!

  Chance takes one huge step over the wooden crate and all I can think is there is no way I can even jump that. I’ll land on someone. I don’t want to look to Ethan for help, because then Chance will be angry, thinking I’m trying something with his brother, and I don’t even know where to start trying to seduce a guy.

  I need to stop thinking of men and more of my survival! The quick scolding doesn’t help much, because it’s not really Ethan I’m thinking of, but Chance, and how kind he was to hold me. What bothers me most is that it felt nice, it felt safe, and although everything about the Virtuous way tells me that it’s impure, that it’s wrong, I can’t help but wonder.

  I know the wood is going to creak under my weight, and I dare a glance at Chance. He’s looking at the sleeping rebels. I take as wide a step as I can, but before my foot can touch the crate his hands take hold of my waist, lifting me up. It’s not the same as when Ethan helped me off the platform. I grab hold of his arms and I can feel his muscles bunch together, there is no sign of strain on his face. I weigh nothing to him – like a baby, a child he has to babysit.

  He sets me down right in front of him and I catch his scent again. I wonder why he smells of crushed leaves. Did he lie in the wild grass while he waited for us? Is that why he smells of the earth? The thought evaporates when he takes hold of my hand and pulls me in close behind him.

  Ethan is right behind me and I find myself blocked in by the two brothers. As we start to shuffle our way through the wooden crates, I grab hold of Chance’s arm to better balance myself. The last thing I want to do is fall on a sleeping rebel.

  Chance stops and he lets go of me. He crouches down by a crate and a second later I hear a jingle. The sound is muffled by his hand. He shoves whatever he found into his pocket and reaches back for me without looking. Once he has my hand we move again, slowly until we reach the end of the platform. I watch him jump off. He reaches back for me and without a word he lifts me onto the tracks.

  With a pounding heart I think of all the ties lying and waiting for me in the dark. I’m going to stumble. I’m going to make a noise! The men start to walk and I wonder how they see where they are going. I can’t see my feet. I stumble over the first tie and reach in front of me to steady myself. A hand grabs my right arm and I know it’s Ethan, Chance is to my left and Aaron to my right. I pull back quickly. He mustn’t help me. I must do this alone.

  I manage to take a few steps before I trip and fall to the ground. My knee burns and I bite on my bottom lip to keep the gasp in. This time it’s not my fault. A tie is sticking out of the ground. I’m not winning with the tracks.

  “Walk this side.” Chance takes me by my elbow and pulls me to his left side. “There are no ties here.”

  Now he tells me! I roll my eyes, hoping he can’t see me doing it in the dark. He could’ve told me this sooner.

  Up ahead it isn’t so dark anymore and there’s something shining. Up closer I can make out the shadow of a car. Closer still, I see it’s a beaten up old car. I haven’t seen one this old, not even in the Gallery of Transport. The jingle I heard earlier was Chance stealing the keys.

  “You’re going to steal the car?” I can hear the panic in my voice.

  “I wouldn’t call it stealing, more like borrowing. They’ll get it back,” Chance says, then he adds, “sooner or later.”

  My heart sets off at an alarming pace. I keep glancing behind us as Chance throws his backpack in the back of the car and gets in behind the wheel. Ethan gets in the passenger side. I watch as Aaron struggles to open the left side door, and after a moment he ducks in through the window. I watch his legs disappear.

  “Are you coming or staying?” Is Chance really asking me that?

  I open the door and it jams half way. I have to squeeze in. Maybe I should’ve just gone through the window like Aaron did.

  The car roars to life. It’s really loud, not like the buses back home. They run on electricity and only hum. I’m sure the car doesn’t run on electricity and I’m sure we just woke all the rebels. I turn in the seat so I can see through the back window, but there is no window. Just like the buildings the car’s windows has been broken, or shot out, and I have a clear view of the dark tunnel behind us. None of them come ru
nning as we pull out onto the street. Our exit is a hole in the wall, like the one we jumped into earlier. It’s like someone took a huge hammer to the side of the building.

  It’s grey outside and the sun should be rising soon.

  I don’t know what today will hold for me. I’m not sure I want to know. All I know is it will be the first time I see the sun and not just a blur moving across the sky.

  ~*~

  Chapter Five

  “Wake up.” I can almost imagine I’m in my bed. I can picture Dad smiling down at me, but my body never ached this much in my entire life.

  My shirt sticks to my back and the air in the car is stuffy. It’s really hot. I look up at the black streak across Chance’s cheek. I can’t believe I fell asleep and missed the rising of the sun.

  “We have to walk the rest. Let’s go.” He disappears from beside the window.

  I lift myself off the sticky leather seat and shove the bag I used as a pillow out of the window. The door won’t budge this time. I turn around and shimmy out of the window, head first. The air is cool on my skin as I climb out. I glance up and the light blinds me. I tumble over backwards, a ridiculously loud shriek escaping from my lips. My eyes sting and start to water. It’s the brightest thing I’ve ever seen.

  “Don’t look directly at the sun. You’ll damage your eyes,” Chance says.

  I blink a few times before I glance in Chance’s direction. He’s watching me and I get the feeling he’s weighing me, wondering if I’ll be able to make it through whatever he knows is lying ahead. I’m too scared to ask what it is but I won’t give up. I have survived my first night. I will survive today and whatever it takes to find Mom.

  I get up and dust myself off. Taking the tie from my pocket I start to tie my hair.

  “Don’t tie your hair. You look too young then. Roland will freak,” he says, looking worried. That makes me worry. Who is Roland and why would he freak over what I look like?

  “Roland?”

  “Sam is your best bet. When we get to the ward-” He stops and shakes his head. “I have to look out for Ethan. Stay out of Roland’s way. Try to win Sam over. Let Roland take Aaron.”

  I don’t understand what he means, and that’s when I notice we’re alone.

  “Where are Ethan and Aaron?”

  I look around and all I see is wild grass as far as the horizon stretches. Heatwaves dance in the distance, with only us in the middle of the deserted road.

  “They will be back soon.” Chance clears his throat and he glances to the left of me.

  I look out over the wild grass again and see them walking towards us. A light goes on and I flush. There are no bathrooms out here.

  We haven’t eaten since yesterday and I’m really starting to feel the hunger pains.

  “When will we reach this ward you were talking about?” I squint at Chance. The sun is almost right above him and it forms a halo around him.

  A loud crack resounds in the air and my whole body jerks. Prickles run over my body. I know that sound. It’s a gunshot!

  I swing around, in time to see Ethan drop into the wild grass. Aaron comes running as another loud crack thunders through the air. Chance ducks next to the car where I am and shrugs the bag onto his shoulders. He grabs my hand, his grip so tight it hurts. My eyes grow huge, I’m afraid they’re going to pop right out when I see the gun in Chance’s hand. We had one lesson on weapons; guns, knives, gas, and some other ones I can’t remember, and now I’m staring at a real gun. The picture I saw didn’t look anything like the heavy weapon Chance is holding.

  Aaron slides in behind the car and crawls in next to us. His face is streaked brown with dirt from the slide. Sweat forms tracks as it runs down his face. He wipes at it, making a mess.

  “Don’t move. Wait them out.” It’s the first time I hear panic in Chance’s voice. I look back to the spot where Ethan fell down. The way his body went limp and he dropped to the ground sends shivers running over me.

  “Wait who out? What about Ethan?” I ask.

  Chance’s eyes jump to Ethan’s spot before he scans the area quickly, then he looks back to where Ethan fell. My heart drops. It’s not panic I heard, it’s worry – dread.

  “Trackers. We should’ve kept going. It’s not that far. We should’ve-” Chance hisses the words out.

  His eyes scan the area again. They stop on the spot where Ethan fell, the grip he has on my hand tightens. There is no movement in the grass. There is movement to our far left. Four people from what I can count, and they are running.

  “There they are. We have to run. We can make the gate.” Chance’s voice is clipped. His eyes jump between the four people and where Ethan fell. “Ethan!” His shout is loud.

  I flinch next to him. There’s still no sign of Ethan, but the four people have started to run in our direction now.

  Chance looks at me, then at the spot where Ethan fell. He wretches my arm almost out of its socket as he yanks me up, and forward. I hit the ground running, my muscles stiff and sore. Aaron shoots past me and now I know I’m holding Chance back. I try to pry my hand loose.

  “Just go! Run,” I scream for the first time and I can’t keep the tears back any longer.

  I can’t have Chance risk his life for me. I remember running with Ethan and how quickly I got tired. The last meal I had was dinner at home, more than twenty four hours ago. But, he doesn’t let go, his grip on my hand tightens, hurting my fingers.

  I pump my legs harder when he pulls at my arm. There’s only the road ahead of us and the trackers behind us. I hear a crack in the distance and wait for something to happen. But, nothing happens. Chance doesn’t fall. I don’t fall. We all keep running. Is Ethan still alive? A sob builds up in my chest and it makes my lungs burn even more than my legs.

  We run over the incline in the road and then only do I see it. The gate is huge, but it’s still a distance away. At least it’s something to run towards. There’s a cramp in my side and I start to wheeze. I promise myself I’ll run often from now on, every day. I have to be ready the next time I have to run. I just have to make it through today.

  There’s another crack and something smacks into the road next to me. Some rocks shoot up.

  “Faster, Jasper!” Chance yanks at my arm again and I try. I really try. I’m winded and no matter how fast I breathe, my lungs are not getting enough air in. They are on fire, just a ball of flames, like the sun beating down on my head.

  There’s another crack. Not even a second later my arm stings. I don’t scream, or shriek. Tears keep flowing over my cheeks. I tell myself I’m okay, because the bullet smacks into the road in front of me. I know I’m okay, because my legs are aching and my lungs are still on fire.

  The gate is right in front of me. I can see it is opening enough for us to get in. I can squeeze through. Aaron runs through it and my tears blur the opening. It’s so close. Ethan was so close!

  Chance flings me forward when another crack resounds in the air. My cheek burns and I slam into the gate. He shoves me hard to the side and in, and then the gate closes with a loud thud. I fall to the ground. There is nothing left in my legs, and I wheeze the tears out.

  “I’m … sorry,” I gasp up at Chance. He turns to me and his eyes are cold.

  “I was careless. It won’t happen again,” he hisses the words out between breaths, and then walks away. I can’t get up to follow him, my legs are too numb from the running.

  ~*~

  A shadow falls over me and when I look up my heart sinks even further. A girl twice my size glares down at me, at least that’s what she looks like from where I’m sitting in the dirt. She doesn’t look friendly. She has white hair, and the black eyeshadow makes her blue eyes look darker. She’s wearing a really small shirt, which only covers half of her, leaving her waist exposed for all to see. Her jeans are torn, and she’s wearing men’s boots. She looks like she can squash me with one step. She looks like a rebel.

  “Where is Eth?” Her voice is soft, not what I exp
ected.

  “Trackers,” I breathe the word out and get up on trembling legs.

  The girl doesn’t say anything. She stares at Chance’s back before he disappears behind a wall. There is no sign of Aaron.

  “Come.” She’s only a head taller than me. We go the opposite way Chance went in. “Your name?” she asks.

  “Jai, my name is Jai.” I didn’t ever think the time would come I would use the name Jasper gave me, but I don’t think the Dissolute would approve of a Virtuous name.

  “Vine.” I glance up at her, waiting for the rest but that’s it.

  “Just Vine? As in-”

  She cuts me off. “I got it cause I’m good at climbing anything, and cause I’m tall.” I don’t want to know what name they’ll think out for me then.

  I look in front of me and level with my eyes are green fields of corn. I don’t have time to stare. The stairs take us down into an entrance that gives way to two tunnels. One tunnel has rings of yellow light all the way down; the other has one light, shining on a red door. Vine takes the shorter tunnel leading to the red door.

  “I suppose it’s up to me to show you around.” She sighs, pressing a sequence of numbers on a keypad. The red door clicks open and she motions for me to walk first. “We, just like the other wards, are self-sustaining. Our lights and heat are generated by solar panels. We grow our own crops, but unlike the Virtuous, ours receive actual rain.” She rambles everything off, as if she has done this countless of times before. “Only the corn is grown outside, the rest is grown in here.”

  I’m tired. I’m hungry and thirsty, and as nice as a tour would be, I’d really like something to drink. But I keep my mouth shut and walk into another tunnel, much like the one I just saw. Rings of light run all the way down. An archway opens up to my right and I see what looks like stairs, only it is row upon row of greenery.

  “Veggies and herbs,” she mumbles, and I take it she’s not much of a vegetable person.