Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

by Michelle Horst

  “There’s so much,” I whisper.

  “Like I said, each ward is self-sustaining. Our vertical farms produce crops all year round, much the same as yours, just on a smaller scale.” She sounds smug about it.

  To my left the tunnel opens up to three consecutive archways.

  “Wow.” It’s the only word that comes to mind.

  It’s an oval shape room, the ceiling looks like someone has taken the steel and blown it in patterns. It flows into perfect oval shape holes, almost the like pictures of beehives I’ve seen. Rays of light shine through the holes, giving light to a patch of green grass. There are two benches in the back of the room and a small one situated more to the front, other than that there are three trees. It looks peaceful.

  “It’s Chance’s version of a park. It’s a work in progress … who knows,” Vine says, and shrugs as if it’s nothing. I’m not sure she gets it. “He has another one going on the other side, too. Different theme.”

  I think it’s a beautiful place to come and sit and think. In a world devastated by war there isn’t much beauty left.

  At the second archway to my right I stop. There are several enclosures, each holding different animals. I’ve never seen real life animals, only the ones in my history book. I know my dad sees them, the ones he clones for food purposes, but the public aren’t allowed to come in contact with them. It’s for hygienic reasons, or something like that. The only animals I’ve ever seen before now, are my glofish and Mrs. Noah’s gendog.

  Sheep, cows, pigs and chickens, those are the ones I can see from where I stand. Never in a million years did I think I’d see live ones. I’d love to see them up close, to feel if a sheep is really as soft as it looks.

  “It was weird for me as well. You get used to it, the smell not so much.” Vine indicates with her head to keep going.

  “Where did you get them?”

  “What do you think you’ve been eating all these years? Just because you don’t see something it doesn’t mean they don’t exist. The original ones were courtesy of your dad, of course. We have been breeding our own since.”

  “You can breed them?” I ask shocked.

  “Not us. The animals have been breeding themselves. You know, they do the dirty deed and then out pops the little ones,” she says, just like that.

  I stare at her mortified. I can’t believe she just said that, spoke so crudely about something so special.

  She bursts out laughing. “Oh, I keep forgetting.” She takes a step closer to me. “The Virtuous are so proper. Well, honey, if you want any advice, you better get over those proper ways real fast, or there are some pretty tough days waiting for you. Especially you, your daddy-dearest got us into this mess. The people aren’t going to take to you too kindly. I’d watch my back if I were you.”

  I’m more confused than ever. Why didn’t Dad tell me? Did Mom know about any of this? What’s going on? Nerves make my stomach ache.

  “Come on,” Vine urges me along.

  The tunnel slants left and a third archway opens up to our right. It’s another tunnel and as I peek up the curve I see another door to my left. A blue one. I follow Vine down the tunnel away from the door.

  “Where does the blue door go?”

  “Back out. We have three rooms there for whoever’s turn it is in the Crowsnest, well, that’s how it’s supposed to be, but the crew leaders took them over. ” I want to ask more but then she points to another archway to our right. “The commons, we eat there.”

  We pass it and I get a glimpse of benches. There are some more oval shape holes in the ceiling where light spills into the room.

  “Bathroom, self-explanatory.”

  “Do the men and women share here?”

  She gives a sharp burst of laughter. “Oh, you’re in for a thing.” She glances down at me and I’m sure I just saw pity on her face. Pity for me. “Yeah, they share. You’ll survive it.” There is one more archway to our right and then a big one up ahead. “Sleeping quarters, again self-explanatory.” Then she smiles. “Yeah, we all sleep together.” I blink at her. She’s really enjoying this, watching my discomfort. “And this, this is…” We walk through the final archway. It opens up into a huge dome, “…the Drill Zone.”

  “Drill Zone?” I squeeze the words out. That doesn’t sound very good.

  I follow Vine in and it strikes me that I haven’t seen anyone else yet. A pathway curves its way down on both sides of the dome to an open space of concrete ground below. It then slants back up again, forming what looks like a track.

  “This,” she says, and waves her hand at the dome shaped room, “we call the Drill Zone.”

  “What do you do in here?” I’m not sure I want to know.

  “We prepare for war.” She turns around and heads out again. I stare at her back, totally flabbergasted. It takes me a moment to recover what senses I have left.

  “What war?” I jog to catch up to her and follow her into the sleeping quarters.

  “Against the Virtuous. You don’t think we’re just going to sit and take it?”

  “Take what?” I want to scream my frustration out at the walls. I wish someone would give me some answers.

  “What do we have here?” I swing around and stumble backwards.

  The voice belongs to a man, leaning against the archway. I’d guess him to be in his late twenties, but then I am no expert when it comes to age. His hair is wet and he is only wearing jeans and a gray t-shirt, no shoes. His eyes drift over me, making me feel very uncomfortable.

  “Jai, she’s a newbie who came in with Chance. Did you leave warm water for the rest of us?”

  He walks into the sleeping quarters and I back out of his way, leaving a clear path for him to Vine. He hardly takes any notice of me now. That’s a good thing. I’d like to keep it that way.

  When he stops mere inches from Vine, I swallow hard. She doesn’t look scared. But then, I am scared enough for both of us. She smiles up at him and the way they look at each other tells me I should leave. I am intruding on a private moment now.

  “You know I love the way you smell.”

  I turn my head away, looking around the sleeping quarters, looking anywhere but at them. There are ten mats on each side of the wall, inches separate the mats. Each mat has a pillow and blanket.

  “Where are the others?” Vine’s voice sounds hoarse. I don’t want to think why.

  “Roland, Sam, and Skater went to check out the wall. Raze and Nate were in the kitchen last time I checked. I left Mike and Chance in the bathroom with that newbie that keeps popping up.” I keep my eyes on the archway.

  I want to go to Chance and tell him how sorry I am about Ethan. I also want to go to the bathroom for other reasons. I glance quickly at Vine and the man. The man pulls Vine against him. I take my chance and slip out. If memory serves me right it’s the first archway on my right. I slip in and stand against the wall, my heart pounding.

  I’m in the bathroom, what now? I can’t very well call out to him. I can’t stand against the wall like an idiot either.

  Basins line the wall opposite to me. I slowly walk away from the wall, but as I reach the middle of the bathroom a door to my left opens, and a man steps out of a shower. My mouth dries right up and I’m pretty sure my eyes are as huge as they’ll ever get. He only has a towel around his waist! Blood rushes to my cheeks and I look away as fast as it is humanly possible without straining my neck. I’ve never seen a man half naked, naked, or dressed in so little before.

  “Someone lost their newbie.” He shouts it out for all the world to hear.

  Another door opens and try as I might, my head turns back by itself. I feel the heat of the sun glowing in my cheeks as Chance steps out in much the same fashion. Only a towel - and this time I gawk. He glares at the other guy. He glares at me. I gawk at him. This is so awkward!

  I watch a drop run down his chest, past perfectly shaped muscles that form his waistline. Right by his hips the muscles dip into the towel, and before my eyes
can travel lower he snaps at me. “Where is Vine?”

  “She…” I clear my throat, because for some reason my voice sounds as raspy as Vine’s did a minute ago. “She showed me around and then a man came and then they … uhm …” I let the sentence trail away, and finally I manage to look away. I end up staring at my feet. My hands are shaking for no reason.

  I go to the nearest basin and open the tap. The water is clear and runs in a steady stream, not like it did back at the platform. I drink some and when I come up the reflection of the mirror shows that I am alone.

  I sigh out loud and I wash my face, careful over the skin where the bullet grazed my cheek. I look horrible, a real mess. My cheek is bruised and the bullet grazed some skin away, leaving a tender red streak. I’m too pale and it makes the awful colors look even more noticeable. My hair is everywhere. It looks like something exploded in it. My hands are still shaking when I smooth some of the strands down.

  My eyes travel down and stop on my arm. The sting I felt was another bullet that grazed my arm right above my elbow. I was lucky. Ethan wasn’t. I want to cry for him but I know now is not the time or place.

  Chance comes back in, dressed in a plain black shirt and blue jeans. So they do wear color. He holds a pile of stuff out to me. “Here is a towel. The shirt and pants are Raze’s. They should fit. Shower and then we’ll look at your arm and face.” He doesn’t say anything else and leaves again.

  I walk to the showers and automatically take the one Chance came out of. He knew Ethan, Ethan knew my dad, it’s the closest link I have to home.

  ~*~

  Chapter Six

  I feel more human after the shower. The shirt fits like a second skin, and for the first time I feel conscious about it showing the curves of my breasts. They might not be as big but no matter how I pull at the shirt it still goes right back to sticking against me. The pants aren’t much better. I have to roll them up once. It’s not that the clothes are uncomfortable, quite the opposite, it’s more comfortable than any I’ve ever worn, it’s just that it shows too much being so tight fitting. I glance down and heave a miserable sigh when I see the curve of my breasts peeking out from the top’s low neckline. This is not Virtuous at all!

  I leave my wet hair untied, remembering what Chance said about Roland. I bundle the dirty clothes together and walk slowly to the archway.

  “Finished?” I jump with fright. Chance is leaning against the wall, in the corner, his eyes closed.

  “Yes, thank you.”

  “Dirty clothes go over there. We take turns working the kitchen, laundry, animals and veggies.” He points to behind me. There’s a basket in the other corner. I walk fast, not wanting to waste any more of his time.

  When I turn back from the basket he is staring at me. His eyes drift over me and my whole body flushes hot, not just my face.

  He clears his throat. “How’s your arm?”

  “Just grazed, nothing serious. No need to look at it,” I babble like the idiot I now know I am. I try to smile but it feels awkward.

  He doesn’t say anything and pushes himself away from the wall. He walks right up to me and I avoid his eyes. I feel guilty as it is, I don’t want to see the accusation in his eyes.

  His hand is soft on my arm and I glance down. It really doesn’t look that bad. He lets go of my arm, and my heart sets off on a maddening pace, right out of the bathroom, as I watch him bring his hand to my face. He takes hold of my chin and lifts my face up to his.

  For a few more awkward moments I don’t know where to look, and my eyes dart from his chin, to his mouth, to his eyes. My stomach tumbles, and my insides quiver – and it’s not because I’m scared. It might be because of the guilt I feel? I’m not sure, I’ve never felt something like that before. Maybe it is compassion because he lost his brother?

  “You’re right,” he says, “it’s not too bad.” He doesn’t step away, or let go of my chin. The quivering inside of me spreads over my body and I clench my hands into fists so he won’t see it. “It’s not going to get any easier. You’ve made it this far. Very few do. Remember what I said, stay away from Roland, he’ll hurt you. Sam is not too bad.”

  He pulls away and turns to walk away. “And you?” The words rush from me before I can stop them. I wish I could gulp them back as he takes two steps, closing the distance between us and taking any air I had to breathe along with him.

  “Here there is no good and bad, Jai. There is no Virtuous and Dissolute. There are only those who are strong and those who are weak. The strong survive and the weak die. Roland will break you, Sam will make you strong. But if you are wise you will stay away from me, I will make you weak.” His words send shockwaves through me. It’s not true!

  “How can you say that? I jumped buildings because of you! I’ve never ran so fast in my life,” I argue, and I’m not sure why I’m arguing, I only know I have to.

  “Remember I told you there is a lot you still have to learn on this side?” he asks.

  “Yes,” I answer hesitantly.

  He grabs hold of my shoulders and pulls me against his chest until I feel every one of his muscles press into my flesh. He lowers his head and I stop breathing completely. His breath fans over my face and I realize I’m still not scared, but that there is a nervous excitement deep inside of me, waiting to see what he’ll do next.

  “Feelings make you weak, Jasper,” he snaps.

  I flinch at the tone of his voice and then his mouth is hot on mine. A dizzying wave of pleasure pools in my head and I gasp for air. His hands brush over my back, sending tingles streaking down my spine.

  I don’t know anything about kissing! This is my first kiss – ever. I’m going to be so bad at this!

  But the second his tongue slips into my mouth my mind becomes cloudy, and something more primal takes over. My one hand finds his neck, and the other his hair, and somehow I manage to kiss him back.

  Feelings I can’t begin to describe explode in my belly, fluttering up to my throat, and numbing my brain.

  It all vanishes when he pulls away, glaring at me. “I said feelings make you weak, Jasper! Right now I can snap your neck. Never leave yourself vulnerable like this again!”

  My legs can’t hold my weight as he leaves me in the bathroom. I sink down to the floor, horrified at what just happened.

  ~*~

  It takes me a while to stop crying, and another few minutes of rinsing my face with cold water before I dare leave the bathroom. All I feel now is ashamed, but I’ve learned my lesson – don’t trust anyone.

  I head to the commons where I hear voices. My hope soars when I smell food. People are already seated when I walk in. Vine is sitting at a bench with the guy from the showers, who I think I remember is Mike. Aaron and another guy are also seated at their table.

  “So this is the newbie,” A girl, only a few inches taller than me says. She’s standing behind a table with a huge pot and bowls on it. A row of crooked teeth shows as she smiles. “I see the clothes fit.” She must be Raze.

  “Thank you … for the clothes.” I manage a nervous smile.

  “I’m Raze, and that is our master chef, Nate.”

  A guy with streaks of powder on his clothes waves from the back of what I can now see is the kitchen. She hands me a bowl, and then she smacks wallops of thick stew into the bowl. She grins at me. “Eat up, you look like you can use it. The bread is already on the table.”

  I smile at her and walk over to a bench against the wall. I don’t feel like company right now. I just want to eat and go sleep.

  But I don’t get my wish. I’ve only taken one bite when two men sit down opposite from me. They fix their eyes on me. I avoid eye contact. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. Things get even more uncomfortable when Chance walks into the commons. I keep my eyes on the bowl of stew, but I’m highly aware of where he is. My heart shoots into my throat when he sits down next to me. This really couldn’t get any more awkward!

  Out of the corner of my eye I see Chan
ce take a piece of bread, he breaks it in half, dips it in the stew and eats. I can’t, as hungry as I am, I can’t with the other two men watching me. One of them slides over until he is right across from me and my stomach bunches nervously into a tight ball. I glance up, it’s only for an instant before I drop my eyes to the table. He’s not smiling like Raze was. He’s just staring at me, as if he is summing me up.

  His black hair is cut short. Come to think of it, everyone here has short hair – really short hair. It’s gone quiet in the room, as if they’re all waiting to see what he will do next, and it makes me even more nervous.

  “Aren’t you going to introduce us, Chance?” My whole body tenses. I’m not used to this kind of tension. I can’t keep my eyes down any more and I glance at Chance. He doesn’t look up and takes another bite. My eyes dart to the man in front of me, sharp brown eyes burn into mine. I get a feeling he sees everything.

  “Jasper Matthias, daughter of the engineer. He asked Ethan and Aaron to bring her along in exchange for his help.” Chance gives my information as if he is reciting something he practiced over and over.

  I glance up at the man again and watch as his one eyebrow lifts slightly. It’s barely visible.

  “She’ll have to do then.” He reaches across the table and takes hold of Chance’s arm, it’s only for a second before he releases him. “Ethan was a good man. We won’t let him suffer.”

  Chance nods stiffly and rises. I didn’t get to tell him how sorry I am and looking at him now I can see the hurt in his eyes. His arms are stiff next to his body, his hands fisted.

  “Before you go,” They look at each other for a moment, a message passes that I can’t read, “you know how it goes, Chance. Everyone fights. Rules are rules.”

  Chance stares for another moment and then leaves, his food only half eaten.

  “You better eat, Jasper Matthias. You are going to need your strength.” The man across from me sounds a little friendlier now, but I don’t like the attention, not one bit.

  I can’t nod or smile. I shove a spoonful into my mouth. I’m hungry, but it’s still hard to swallow with them watching me.