Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

by Michelle Horst

Ruth screams, she keeps screaming as she slips over the first scaffolding, right over and off. She falls, and I hear the same dead thud I did when I fell. I will her to get up, grinding my teeth.

  “You’re slipping.” Chance’s says quietly. I adjust my grip, but I slip again.

  “Up. Up. Up!” Roland’s roaring is too much, and I lose my grip.

  My bare feet slap hard against the floor. The concrete, cold and hard, sends sharp stinging pains up from my feet into my ankles.

  I turn to Chance. “Must I get back up?” I whisper. I don’t want Roland to hear me. My arms are numb, my shoulder, my fingers and even my ears are numb.

  He shoots Roland a glance. I can’t see what he sees, only his reaction to it. His lips set in a hard thin line.

  “This way,” he says.

  I follow him to the open space in front of the grid. My arms are too tired to climb the grid now. Please, not the grid.

  “Sam told me you jumped him.” I forget about my arms as shock sets in. They spoke about me?

  “Do you guys discuss every little thing I do?” I ask, and I can’t keep the frown off my face.

  “He said we should work on it,” he continues, ignoring my question.

  He starts to move, it’s different, his whole body is tense and he doesn’t walk toward me, but instead places his feet side to side, slowly moving to go around me.

  I step away from him. “What are you doing?”

  “Attacking you. How are you going to stop me?” he asks. He is serious!

  I sputter, “Run?” How can I stop him? He is twice my size. He’s bigger than Sam and I couldn’t get Sam off of me.

  Ruth shrieks behind me. I’ve forgotten about her. I glance over my shoulder and Chance’s arm slips around my neck. I shriek and grab hold of his forearm. His muscles are hard under my fingers. He squeezes until I feel the pressure of his arm on my throat.

  “Stop me,” he snaps.

  I couldn’t stop Sam or Roland, how can I stop Chance? I gasp for air. He tightens his hold some more, and my head presses hard against his chest. My feet lift and I feel for the floor with my toes.

  “You’re stronger,” I gasp.

  “Really? You’re not even going to try?” he taunts me, and his arm squeezes some more.

  Chance won’t hurt me, I told Sam this - I believed it then, but now I’m not so sure. I suck for air and an awful throttling noise is all I get in return. I cough and pull at his arm, but nothing gives. My heart pounds in my throat and I clutch at his arm. I tell myself he won’t choke me like Roland did. Chance won’t do something like that to me. He wants me to figure this out.

  “Come on, Jasper,” he snaps.

  I feel his other hand brush my side. For a second confusion rattles my mind. He presses harder into my side and a light goes on. Is he trying to tell me something? How can I still think? I need to breathe and not try and solve his puzzles!

  I feel the tap on my side again. He wants me to fight back and with Roland watching, I have no choice. I close my eyes. I bring my elbow down and his ribs are hard, but he releases me.

  I gasp for air, my head flushes hot and cold with anger. I can’t play these games! I’m not made for them. The one minute I have to fight and the next he’s kissing me – I can’t go from hot to cold like this.

  Anger sweeps hot through me and I lunge myself at him, hooking my arm around his neck. It’s not as easy as he makes it look. I’m hardly up when he takes hold of my arm and ducks. My body flies, thrust forward by his shoulders with ease.

  The concrete is harder if someone slams you into it. I cough and immediately regret moving. It throbs all the way from my hair to my toes. I didn’t know my hair could hurt. I hear Ruth shriek and I couldn’t care less at the moment, I’m in too much pain.

  Chance crouches next to me. Ruth is shrieking. Roland is yelling. My body is aching. Anger and disappointment makes me want to cry. I’m disappointed in myself. Chance warned me and I didn’t listen. He said feelings will make me weak and it did, but it also hurts more than any physical pain can. There’s an intense throbbing deep inside my chest.

  “I get it. You can hurt people just as much as he can,” I groan.

  “Get up,” he snaps.

  He pulls me up by my arm and I yank free, stumbling backwards. The room warps and spins and my legs feel like jelly.

  “Don’t touch me.” I say, and my voice is uneven from unshed tears. I don’t belong here. I’ve tried and failed but I won’t let them see that. I square my shoulders and lift my chin. He doesn’t have to know he won. “Just because you’re training me, doesn’t mean you can touch me,” I hiss at him. I wish I could snap the way they do, but hissing will have to do, because I’m a second away from crying and I won’t cry in front of him and Roland.

  He steps up to me and leans in until his mouth is breath away from my ear. “The only things you were supposed to learn today were how to possibly get out of a chokehold and how to use a gun. I’d like to know you can defend yourself for when I’m not around, which might be real soon.”

  I’ve underestimated him again. I don’t know how to feel as I follow him out of the dome. It feels like I’ve lost myself in there and someone else stepped out.

  ~*~

  Chapter Eleven

  I fork my bacon listlessly when Roland bangs twice on the bench to get our attention.

  “Listen up everyone, Nate you too,” he calls out. The fork clangs as I drop it on my plate. “Newbie season is over. I don’t expect any more surprise visitors.” My hands hurt from clasping them together under the table. “We’ll only train for three more days, before we head on up to the main ward.” Roland walks over to Nate and pats him hard on the back. “You’ll have some peace and quiet again.” I wish I could ask questions but there is no way I’m asking Roland anything.

  After breakfast I wash up and almost lose my balance when Skater jumps me from behind. My body hurts after the training session and I shrug him off. He throws his arm around my shoulders.

  “Go pack your stuff, we are heading out today. Chance wants to get to the main ward before the other groups.” There’s a stab of disappointment that he sent Skater to tell me.

  “Now?”

  “He wants to get there before dark so we have to get going now. It shouldn’t take you long. You don’t have much.”

  Skater runs out howling and I stand there like an idiot. He’s right, I don’t have much. I have nothing. I lost my mom’s photo the day I came here. I forgot to take it out of my pocket when I threw the clothes in the wash.

  I get a bag from Raze and shove my three sets of clothes into it. I take the comb and toothbrush as well. I don’t greet anyone and go straight to the animal enclosure. It’s quiet, except for the animals. The chickens are all over the ground, pecking up bits of food. Little chicks run after their moms, pecking where they peck. They don’t have a care in the world.

  “You’ve been avoiding me.” I don’t look at Sam. I was hoping I could just say goodbye to the chicks and leave. He walks into the enclosure and picks up a chick. “You’re being childish, Kid.”

  “Really, Sam?” I huff a breath, my neck and face growing hot. “You took off my clothes!” Saying the words to him makes a sharp prick of hurt stab at my heart. He really hurt me. I trusted him without him having to ask me.

  I’m about to turn to leave when he reaches into his back pocket. He takes out the picture of my mother.

  “Where did you get that?”

  “You don’t understand life, Kid,” he says, as he holds the photo and chick out to me. “Life is not about being fair. It’s about choices and believing that you always make the right one. If you don’t believe you made the right ones it will haunt your every step.”

  “You’re going to stand there and give me a speech me about choices!” I snap. “After what you did?”

  “I chose to make you stronger.”

  “What?” I shriek, and anger flares up hot inside of me again.

  “Kid,
choose between the picture of your mother and the life of the chick.” He says it calmly, just like that.

  Not believing what I’m hearing, I take a step closer. “Excuse me?”

  “Choose between them. A life or a memory.”

  “You won’t do it.” But I can already see the determined look in his eyes. He will, just to prove to me that my choices have consequences.

  I step up to him and look at my mother’s face one last time before I take the chick from him and set it on the ground.

  “You know the chick will die, sooner or later.” The tearing of paper is sharp in my ears and as I look up, he tears the photo again.

  I get up and walk away from him, my insides cold.

  “He will die anyway, Kid.” He calls after me.

  “Not by my choice and I will find my mother. I don’t need a photo to remind me what she looks like.” I whisper back.

  “It’s only a matter of time before you have to kill someone. That choice will come,” he calls, as I leave him standing at the animal enclosure.

  ~*~

  I find Chance and Skater by the wall. Skater has a skateboard strapped to his back, along with a bag. Now I know where he gets his name from. My eyes drop to his waist and I can’t miss the gun, or the one tucked in against Chance’s back. Guns. I’m in no hurry to touch one of those again.

  “Finally!” Skater exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. “Women! What did you do? Pack the whole bathroom?” He smiles at me, but I can’t smile back.

  Chance doesn’t say anything. We start in the direction of the cornfields, keeping to the left of the field. We walk a while before I glance over at Chance. Skater walks between us, acting as a barrier.

  “How do you become a leader?” I ask just to break the silence

  “You challenge a current leader. Why are you interested in the position?” Chance’s tone is cold and biting.

  Skater speeds up his pace. “I’m going to go check out the area.” He takes off at a steady jog and I’m thinking maybe I should join him.

  We walk in an uneasy silence but after a while my curiosity wins out. “Who did you challenge?”

  “Craig.” He offers nothing further.

  “Why?” I prod for more information.

  He stops and stares down at me, long and hard. “So I could protect Ethan, but he’s not here. You are instead.” I feel small. “Look,” he takes a deep breath, “when you came through that hole at the boundary edge I wanted to strangle my brother, and really, I wanted to strangle you. We were going to war and he was in the mood to do favors for your father.” He looks out in the direction Skater ran. “But, you did everything I said even though you were scared. You trusted me without me giving you any reason to.” He looks back to me and I can see the blue of his eyes clearly today. “If I have to do it all again I will. I’d challenge Craig to protect you, but, Jai,” he lets out a heavy sigh, “I won’t stand for you doubting me every chance you get. You have to start making the right choices.”

  I pull back. “Choices?” I whisper. My face glow with anger. “I already got my lecture on choices from Sam. You’re a little too late with that one.” I start walking again, fast. “I choose to care. I choose to try. You were the one who said it’s all about not making myself vulnerable, not feeling, not-.”

  He grabs at my arm, yanking me back. “If we go and fight I can’t worry about you trying to save every wounded person out there. If someone falls you have to step over them and keep going. You have to choose who to care for and who to try for, just like I had to choose.”

  I feel the blow deep in my gut. It feels like he just physically punched me.

  “No, Chance! I… You can’t tell me you choose my life over that of Ethan’s, or Ruth’s, or even Roland!”

  “I told you before I can only carry one. You were that one. If I had gone for Ethan you would not have made it. Life is about choices!” He snaps.

  I shake my head. “We could have tried.”

  “I don’t take chances. He was wounded, maybe even dead. You weren’t.” The words are cold coming from him. “We live our lives each day to the best that we can, no regrets. I lost Ethan and I gained you. I have no regrets.”

  I can’t believe what I’m hearing. In some ways Chance is even more heartless than Roland! He reaches for me and I step back, shaking my head.

  “Jasper,” he breathes my name, and I feel torn in two. “We live in a cruel world. There’s no place for friends. You’ll only set yourself up for more pain. There’s only yourself and if you’re strong enough, one other person. I’m strong enough for both of us, but I need you on my side.”

  He reaches for me again and I let him take hold of my hand. I’m confused. I’m scared, but most of all I’m disappointed in myself. Even though it’s a cruel world, everyone knows their purpose. I don’t know what mine is. I think I’ve lost myself and whatever purpose I was supposed to have.

  ~*~

  I have regrets, lots of them. Mostly I regret the way I left Sam. Even though things happened the way they did, he was still nice to me. He still tried to teach me in his own way. I regret not saying goodbye to Ruth and Jasper, and Aaron as well. My dad taught me better. But, I’m walking away from all of that now and I’ll try harder every day to have no regrets.

  “Look over here.” Chance crouches down. We’ve been walking for hours and all I see now is wild grass. He holds a plant of wild grass up to me. “See this bulb here.” I kneel down next to him.

  “The root?” I ask, not so sure what I’m looking at.

  “No, this stringy part is the root, this fat part is the bulb and the only part usable. It’s what we make the ointment from, the one we used for your muscles. It’s great for inflammation, pain relief, that kinda thing.” He breaks it open and I catch a whiff of the familiar spicy smell. “Almost like pepper,” he says, smiling. “You need to remember this. If you roast them, the hot ashes are used on open wounds. Eating them will help for stomach problems and fevers, but it’s bitter.” He glances around and yanks another out of the ground. “Look for the ones with this type of flower. See how different they look?” I nod. Who would have thought such an invasive weed could be so useful?

  “Okay.” The flower is tiny, not really what I would call a flower. It looks more like a yellow-reddish kind of thorn, but if he calls it a flower, who am I to differ.

  We shove what we find into my bag and I can only hope my clothes won’t stink of it.

  “Where did you learn that?” I ask once we get going again.

  Skater comes running toward us, his arms waving. He’s been missing all day, most probably enjoying being outside.

  “My dad. He taught us a lot about surviving before-”

  “Come on, run a bit. It’s just over the hill,” Skater yells at us, excitement on his face. He spins around and darts away again.

  “Listen, before we go,” Chance stops, his hand wraps around my elbow, holding me back. “The people are very different here. But, it will become your home. You have to try and see the beauty in the bad.”

  “How can there be beauty in bad?” I don’t understand. You are either good or bad.

  He takes my hand and brings it to his cheek. My heart skips a beat when he turns his face into my palm, his lips are firm against my skin.

  “Is that good or bad?” he asks. He leans down, a smile playing at the corner of his mouth. Heat spreads up the back of my neck. It’s suddenly very hot.

  “Ah…” Words fail me as he slips his hand down, his fingers circle my wrist lightly.

  He tilts his head and presses his lips to the skin between my wrist and elbow. I take a deep breathe, maybe a little too loudly. I can’t tear my eyes away from his fingers, wrapped around my wrist. The ghost of his breath still lingers on the spot where he just kissed me.

  I clench my other hand into a tight fist and I don’t move a muscle. It’s different in the daylight. The night lends a mystery to everything. It doesn’t expose what you’re doing to the wh
ole wide world.

  I feel his hand on my waist and he moves closer still. I can’t remember what he’s trying to teach me.

  “Is this bad or good?” he asks again.

  “Ahh … good.” I hate admitting it to him, and it feels like I’m giving a secret away.

  Nerves tingle as his hand moves up my spine. He places my hand against his neck. The tips of his fingers are cold as he slides his hand down my arm, leaving a trail of goose bumps behind. I know my breathing is too fast, but my heart is thumping and I need air to think. I can’t think straight with him this close, with him touching me.

  His face comes closer and I think he’s about to kiss me, but then he says, “Don’t you think this is beautiful?” His breath stirs over my lips and I shiver.

  I want him to kiss me. If I move an inch we will kiss. I finally look into his eyes. His lashes are lowered, throwing shadows on his cheeks. I was right the first time. You can drown in his eyes. I want to drown in them. His mouth hovers over mine and I groan when he doesn’t move. I’ve never wanted something like I want him to kiss me.

  I lift myself the inch it takes to give me what I want. My fingers press into his neck and I feel his pulse race against mine, it’s not only my heart racing. I crush my lips to his. There’s the most delightful melting sensation within me when his hands frame my face and he kisses me back. It ends too soon and I feel starved when he pulls away.

  For a moment his mouth presses against my jaw before he whispers, “To the Virtuous this … what we are doing now, is bad.” It feels as if I’ve been submerged in ice. My whole body tenses, and my muscles ache. “To the Dissolute it’s good. You and I need to find our own peace and make our own beauty in this world. What both groups don’t understand is that you need both, you need good and bad in you to survive. Only the weak don’t have a place in this world.”

  I swallow hard and nod, I don’t think I can talk right now.

  ~*~

  Chapter Twelve

  I don’t know why they call it a ward. Over the hill is a smaller version of the Virtuous’ metropolis, buried between two hills and to the side is the biggest body of water I’ve ever seen. It shines like a mirror.