Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

by Michelle Horst

  “What’s that?” It’s flat, I’ve never seen water so still.

  “It’s a dam. See there.” Chance points to the water. I notice a wall and then the small trickle of water, winding into a larger flow – a river. “We made it from the river. We got the river to stop here, so we have some form of water supply.” He smiles proudly. “From here it might look the same but beneath the ground it’s a different story. Come on, work those muscles a bit.”

  He starts to run. My legs are tired from walking for hours, but I set off after him. There’s no sign of Skater when we approach the metropolis. There are people everywhere and lots of noise. I can’t make out one specific thing. Everyone is loud and very … uhm … demonstrative. I grab at Chance when two women walk by us – hand in hand. I stare at them, my mouth open wide as the one leans into the other and plants a kiss on her neck.

  When I stop and gawk after them he tugs at me. “Don’t stare, Jai.”

  “You didn’t see that?” I quicken my pace to catch up at him, daring a quick glance over my shoulder, but they’re gone.

  “I did and there is nothing wrong with two people loving each other no matter their race or sex.” I flush bright red at the word. It’s a word rarely used. I heard it twice at school, in Biology. “Would you rather have one of those women stay in a relationship with an abusive man?”

  My mouth drops open. “Of course not!”

  “Would you have them stay alone for the rest of their lives because the only happiness they can find is with each other?”

  “It’s just…” I let the argument go, I can’t fight him on something I don’t have an answer for.

  “What? Because someone told you something is bad, that makes it bad? They are happy, to them it’s beautiful. Find the balance to good and bad, Jai. Not everything you’ve been taught was right.”

  I just nod. These are lessons I never thought I would have to learn. A week ago good was sharing food and bad was kissing someone.

  ~*~

  “Chance, my baby!” A squeal sounds up behind us. He turns in time to catch a girl. Her arms and legs wrap around him – tightly. “I’ve missed you!”

  I try to find the good. All I find is a sharp stabbing in my chest. The feeling is so overwhelming, unlike anything I’ve felt before.

  My lips pull into a grimace. I hope it looks like a smile. I’m still not finding the good in what I see. There’s a girl clinging to Chance. Nope, no good there, none whatsoever.

  He sets the girl down after a few endless seconds have passed and they smile at each other. “Morgan, how are you?” Finally they let go off each other, then she hooks her arm into his. Some more touching! I don’t like that she’s touching Chance.

  “Great, now that you’re back. What do you think of my hair?” Patting the back of her head she twirls in front of him. Purple-black hair is shaven short on the one side and back, and long white hair hangs across her forehead and right ear. It looks bad.

  “Your hair looks great.” I raise an eyebrow. “You know you always look great.” I frown at Chance and cross my arms, but he doesn’t notice because he’s too absorbed by this … Morgan girl. “Have you seen Craig?”

  “Always business and no time to play,” she pouts. I pucker my lips for a split-second before I realize I’m imitating her.

  I wiggle my lips to stop pouting and glare down the street. It runs straight and narrow through what looks like the heart of the metropolis. Our retailers were found on the inside of the market building, but here the department stores line the street. Luckily they all have windows, not like the broken down metropolis we first came through.

  I glare one last time at Chance and Morgan, and then I leave them to talk. I wander to the first shop, there’s a man sitting in a chair and a woman is drawing on his face. The door rings when I push it open. I hurry in and let it go, scared it will ring again.

  “Take a seat, honey. I’ll be with ya in a sec.” I sit on a stool across from them, so I can see what she does. Her hand moves fast, light movements as she makes black lines around the man’s eyes. She finishes with him and places the steel pen back in a stand. It’s attached to some kind of cable.

  “It might sting a bit, but tomorrow you’ll be fine.” I watch them hug and the door rings again when he leaves.

  “What can I do ya for, hon?”

  I slip off the stool, not sure how to explain my presence now. And I should be getting back to Chance.

  “I was curious to see what you were doing, that’s all.” I try to explain.

  “Permanent make up. Everyone deserves to be beautiful,” she says with a friendly smile. Her red lips fascinate me. “I could make your one eyebrow two in a matter of seconds.” She snaps her fingers together. “It would make such a difference.”

  “I don’t have money.”

  “We don’t use money, sweet-girl. You’re still new, aren’t ya?” She guides me to the chair and I hop on. “Here we look after each other. Each has their talent or gift. Those who can, work the farms, those who can will go fight, and others like me, we keep y’all pretty and entertained. We all have our place here.”

  A variety of metal looking pens line a counter next to me. She reaches over me and takes the third one. “This will sting for only a moment.” My eyes go squint as I follow the tip of the pen to my brow.

  I feel the cold tip and then the start of a pinch. It tickles and then it stings. The pen hums softly as she moves it first between my eyes and then on the outside of my eyebrow. I want to scratch the stinging away, but fist my hands against my legs to keep still.

  “It’s looking so much better already. A bit of color would look awesome. You want me to patch you up with some brown? It won’t be too dark.”

  I’m stupid. I’ve only been in the metropolis for ten minutes and I’m coloring myself in, but I nod anyway.

  “I’m Dawn.” She reaches over me for another pen.

  “It’s a pretty name,” I say. My hands are cold. It’s cold in her shop. “Jai.” I whisper my name back, as she leans in again.

  “Thank you, Jai. I think so too. My mamma liked the sunrise.” The pen is cold against my eyebrow, cold and wet.

  “Have you been doing this long?” I ask to make some type of conversation. I’m nervous about how it will look. I try to glance at the window. Is Chance still talking to Morgan?

  “I’ve been at it for about nine years now.” She wipes the wetness off with little pieces of tissue, they come away very dark in color. I bite at my bottom lip to contain the worried feeling gnawing at my stomach. Maybe this was not such a good idea.

  “Come have a look.”

  I jump off the chair. Against the wall is a full length mirror. I’ve lost weight, it’s the first thing I notice. My hair hangs past my shoulders, I should brush it. Then I see my eyes, they’ve never looked so green before, soft and deep, like the rich color of a new leaf on a tree.

  “Yes, you actually had eyes under those bushes.” Dawn laughs at my reaction.

  “Thank you, for making them look nice.” My fingers are cold on the red skin of my eyebrows.

  “The red will fade quickly. Don’t worry about that.” She pats me on the shoulder. “You should come so we can do your eyeliner.” My eyes grow large. I don’t know if I want to look like that man, permanently. “We’ll only do it with a pencil at first, to see if you like it.”

  This time I laugh with her. I like Dawn but I have to get going.

  “It was really nice meeting you, but I have to get going.”

  “You come visit again, honey. Be careful out there,” she says.

  The door rings on my way out and I grin. This place doesn’t seem all that bad.

  ~*~

  Chance is gone and so is the girl he was with. For a moment I consider going back to Dawn but there is still a whole street, and maybe if I walk up it I’ll find Chance.

  There’s a shop where people are cutting other people’s hair. I hesitate and then walk by quickly. At another one, I sto
p for a while. At first I don’t get what’s happening and I’m too shy to go into this one. There are only men inside. A man is lying on his stomach while another draws on his back with a pen similar to the one Dawn used. I don’t understand why someone would want to draw on his back. When he finally sits up there is a picture of girl stretched across his skin. The skin around her outline is swollen red. I take a step back. The girl’s body looks weird, her hips are too shapely, and her backside stands out to the side. She puckers her lips for a kiss. Her hands are in her hair and her back arched, her breasts pushed forward, too big for her chest and bare!

  The man turns around and smiles at me. I take a stumbling step backwards and bump into someone.

  “Look where you’re going!” The voice is harsh.

  I get shoved forward and I lose my balance. My knees hit the concrete hard but I scramble to my feet and run. I run to get away from the girl on the man’s back.

  There’s no beauty in what I just saw. How can a man have a naked woman on his back? I slow once I’m sure I’m a safe distance away from that shop. I hear a yell and a thump like someone just hit the ground – a familiar sound. There’s a big gap between the stores. I peek in and see stands line the walls. There are a lot of people.

  In the middle is a big green grass patch where two men are wrestling. I walk closer until the one pulls back a fist and slams it hard into the other one’s jaw. I freeze as blood spurts over his face. The man on top lets go of the bleeding one and steps away.

  “Now that is how you drop an Insensate when it storms you. Any other takers for a quick demo?” A demo? The one standing helps the bleeding one up and pats his back. “Thanks, buddy.” Then he looks at me. “You there…”

  I look behind me and notice I’m standing all alone in the entrance. Everyone looks at me. I resist the urge to inch backwards until I can run out.

  “How about you?” He points to me.

  “Me what?” I don’t squeak and I’m thankful for that.

  “A demonstration of self-defense. Are you for the cause or an entertainer?” The image of the man getting the girl drawn on his back flashes before my eyes.

  “I’m for the cause.” I’ll never be able to do something like being an entertainer.

  “Then come on.” He’s starting to sound impatient.

  I walk closer. I try not to look at all the people watching me.

  “What’s your name?” he asks when I’m two arm lengths from him.

  “Jai.” A smile stretches widely across his face, too wide.

  “Not Jai from Roland’s ward?” He asks, sounding amused. I fist my hands and nod. He turns to the crowd, his one eyebrow raised. “Is she any good?” I follow his gaze and feel how every drop of blood in my body drains to my feet. Chance is sitting in the front row, and Morgan is next to him. He doesn’t even look at me.

  “You’ll have to find out for yourself.” Is all he says.

  The guy turns back to me. “Well, Jai from Roland’s ward, let’s see then.”

  He takes a step forward and I match mine by taking one back. He’s easily a head shorter than Chance, but built just as well. He steps to my side and I match him again, stepping away from him.

  “Oh baby, I can dance with you all day long, but the people didn’t come for that.”

  He lunges forward, his arms coming for me from both sides. I don’t hesitate. I hunch down and shoot by the side of him. He grabs hold of my hair and he yanks back. I now understand why everyone has short hair. I stagger back and then my teeth smack against each other when his fist slams into my jaw. He lets go and bounces back.

  I force myself to look at him and not for Chance’s reaction. My eyes burn and there’s a numb sharp pain all the way into my ears.

  “Here’s the thing,” he says mockingly. “It’s important that when you’re being attacked you make sure you don’t get hit.”

  He comes at me again. I lift my hands to protect my face and he slams his fist into my arms. I did it unconsciously, and it hurt, but not as much as when he hit my face. It’s better to block.

  “She’s learning.” He moves in faster than before, but he doesn’t go for my face. I gasp when his fist plunges into my side and I fold into him. “Time to go down, baby,” he whispers.

  My vision blurs. I see white teeth as he smiles, and then I hit the grass. Grass is just as hard as concrete. I roll over onto my side as fast as I can. I don’t want to be pinned down by him. I keep seeing the blood splatter over the other guys face and hope I don’t look the same.

  He grabs my shoulders and presses me back. My bag digs hard into my back. For a moment I think about the wild grass and that I’m crushing it, then his knees dig firmly into my sides as he straddles me.

  The sky is a clear blue, almost like Chance’s eyes. Dark eyes replace my line of vision. His blonde hair is longer than Chance’s and it falls in his eyes as he leans forward. I twist under him, like I did with Sam, but then I remember it didn’t work.

  “You have pretty eyes. They haven’t seen much of the world yet, have they?” My blood runs cold at the tone of his voice. “You’re not fighting hard enough, babe, and just maybe I can find a way to make you fight back. Should we see if I can find a way to bring out the fighter in you?” His voice drops and his eyes roam over my face, my neck and my chest. I don’t want him to look at me. I want to make him stop. I feel tainted under his gaze.

  I forget about the people around us. I even forget about Chance. My whole focus is on the guy on top of me. What is he going to do? I’m even listening for his next movement. My head snaps to the left when he inches his fingers up my arm and towards my hand. It’s the way he’s touching me, it’s the same way Chance touched me earlier.

  I try to pull away but he pins both my hands above my head with one of his. His fingers bite into mine. I lift my hips to throw him off. I twist and turn but he doesn’t move. He lowers his face to within a few inches of mine and I turn away so I don’t feel his breath on me.

  “Do you know what I miss most about the ward?” His hand drops to my middle and he bunches my shirt together. My heart rate spikes. “The initiation, I would have loved to have undressed you.” I feel his fingers brush my skin and I react.

  I hit the side of my head against his, as hard as I can, and for a second I think I see stars but it can’t be because the sun is still shining. He lets go my hands and I form fists as I bring them over my head, hitting at anything. His face, his chest, his neck. When he lifts off of me I bring my knees up and slam them into his back. My legs are stronger now. He rolls to the side and I go with him. I let his momentum carry me, because I’m not done. I keep hitting him until I see red - and he laughs at me.

  I yank away from him, breathless, anger spilling of me in waves.

  “See, a little motivation is all it took. You can fight after all.” He lifts himself by his elbow, wiping the blood from his broken lip. I want to hurt him even more, but then he will win. Instead, I walk away.

  ~*~

  “Jai.” Chance calls behind me. I keep walking. I don’t know where I’ll go but I’m tired of lessons. “Jai!” He grabs my arm and yanks me back.

  “You just sat there!” I hiss at him. I bite back the tears of anger. I’m getting better at not crying.

  “What did you want me to do? Run over and scoop you up?” he hisses back, our faces inches apart. “Should I have played hero and made you look like an idiot in front of pretty much every single person we will be going to war with?”

  I take a shaky breath to try and find some of my calm. He is right. I should learn to stand up for myself. I frown and rub over my stomach, repeatedly. I can still feel that guy’s hand on me.

  Chance takes hold of my hand to stop the motion. “Hey, you did very good. You kicked his butt. I’m proud of you.” His voice softens to a whisper and it makes my chin quiver. I bite harder at my lip. “You won.”

  “It’s just … it doesn’t feel like I won.” I can’t look at him and stare off at the bui
ldings. They don’t rise as high as the Virtuous’ buildings.

  “Why?” he prompts.

  “He didn’t have to touch me,” I mumble and drop my forehead against Chance’s chest so he can’t see my face burning with embarrassment. “I don’t understand why there’s all the undressing and touching. I don’t get that lesson.”

  “He touched you? Where?” His voice is barely a whisper above my head.

  “The same way you did earlier when you ran your fingers up my arm,” I press my face deeper into his chest. It hurts that my memory has been tainted. “But with you it was different. And then he,” I pull away, frowning, “couldn’t you see?”

  Chance takes hold of my shoulders, his eyes are hard and cold. The same way they were when I wanted to swap with Ruth. He’s angry.

  “And then he … what? What did he do,” he hisses, pushing at me to finish what I was saying.

  I stare at my feet and mumble, “He slipped his hand under my shirt and touched my stomach.” I want to take the words back when Chance frowns darkly. “Only light-.”

  Chance turns around and leaves me standing alone on the sidewalk. At first I’m not sure what he’s going to do. Did I disappoint him? Then he takes the corner into the fighting arena. I run after him.

  “Chance!” But he can’t hear me. He’s too far away already.

  When I take the corner it’s in time to see him shove at the other guy. I rush closer to stop him.

  “It’s one thing to train someone, but there are limits to how you do it, Craig.” Chance hisses at him. Then the name sticks. Craig, the one he challenged for leadership?

  “What, did your baby girl run crying to you?” It’s exactly what I didn’t want to happen, happening.

  “Do you see me touching something of yours?” Chance takes a step back, his hands fisting at his side.

  “Yes.” Craig snaps at him. “I was hoping to teach your brother a lesson but seeing as he’s DNA bait, what better way to get back at you then through your newbie. You’re touching my leadership position and I’m stuck here giving demos. And besides, I hardly got in a feel. You need to send out a search party to find a set of breasts on that-” Chance’s fist slams hard into Craig before he can finish what he’s saying about me. Craig staggers back, only one step.