The Power of 3

by Robb Hiller

  Reprinted with permission from “The Neurochemistry of Positive Conversations” by Judith E. Glaser and Richard D. Glaser, hbr.org, June 12, 2014.

  Source: CREATING WE INSTITUTE/QUALTRICS, copyright 2014 by Harvard Business Publishing; all rights reserved.

  What I Did to Activate

  While each of us has innate God-given gifts, discovering those gifts isn’t always easy, and while using the gifts may be natural, activating them—tapping them to their fullest potential—is often a process. Let me detail for you what I did to ACTIVATE my gifts during my cancer treatment and how activating made a huge difference for me even at my worst.

  First, I assessed the reality of what I was facing to gain clarity. I needed to honestly grapple with the problem. In almost any situation, clear thinking is one of our best offensive strategies.

  In my complex situation, assessing the situation meant I needed to investigate the issues at hand—more on that in a moment. I needed to seek information, weigh options, make plans, and apply my best findings. This exploratory process allowed Pam and me to gain the wisdom we needed about treatment options and to prepare as best we could for the uncertain future. What is your reality in whatever you are dealing with?

  I chose to control my responses. My immediate responses to the unknown of discovering these three cancers were fear and doubt—emotional, heartfelt, and normal reactions. But I refused to let the runaway negativity train carry me down the wrong track. I reminded myself that the gifts of self-awareness and self-control were key talents that I’d practiced over the years, and I used these abilities to their fullest. I simply determined to face each day, knowing there was no need to borrow trouble from the future. Self-awareness and self-control can be your best friends!

  I needed to tell myself the truth. For starters, I reminded myself I wasn’t alone. Thankfully, in my wife, Pam, I have one of the most loving spouses any person could ask for. I chose to recall that my family, good friends, church, and God really do care for me and that I have many strength-givers alongside me in this adventure. I continually recalled God’s faithfulness in the various trials I’d previously faced. I prayed often, and it was amazing to see answers come in so many definite and different ways.

  I investigated my situation. As I said, I assessed to gain clarity, but I needed to learn more. Both Pam and I are solution seekers. So we were off to the internet, our doctors, informational forums on leukemia, and conversations with successful patients to learn all we could about this incurable disease and how to improve my chances of survival.

  On one particularly memorable ride to Mayo Clinic, Pam and I debated whether going through five months of chemo and a drug trial was truly my best choice. Wasn’t there an easier option? We were on our way to an appointment with the hematologist, hoping for answers. As Pam and I talked, I got a call from our friend Bev, whose husband had gone through a bone marrow transplant a few years earlier, following the guidance of the same doctor I was seeing. Her husband, Brad, had not only survived but was back at work and doing well. “Robb and Pam,” Bev said, “I’m so excited you’re seeing the same hematologist we had. You have one of the best doctors in the field to take care of you, and you’re going to do great with the treatment.” She continued, “Robb, you’re so strong, and I know you’ll beat this cancer. I’m praying for you all.”

  We talked for a while more and then Bev said goodbye. Pam and I looked at each other, each concluding we had our answer regarding the path we should take. We were awed that our prayer was answered so directly and at just the right time.

  I also seized opportunities to voice my thoughts and feelings. I let people in. As I explained the news to my kids and shared my real fears with a few close friends, I found that opening up about what I felt inside gave me perspective. My sharing also gave others a way to carry the weight of what I was dealing with, and their attentive listening and wise words helped reinforce my optimism.

  I acted with confidence. For me, this involved remembering how faithful God had been in past trials. Like the time I was taking a small cruise boat from Sicily to Capri and we encountered a storm that rocked the boat back and forth like nothing I had ever experienced. I was scared. I got so sick that I passed out and began to slide off the deck into the sea, when a young man grabbed me and pulled me back up. I awoke hours later in the captain’s bed as we were docking at the pier. They all explained what had happened, and the captain was quick to credit this newlywed as my hero. The young man and his wife helped me off the boat and brought me to the inn where they were staying. As I lay in bed that night, I gained a new confidence that God was with me no matter the circumstance. If God was with me then, he would be with me now.

  I took out my trash. There’s no need to hang on to past regrets, to store up offenses you suffer from others. It’s trash that clutters your mind and heart. Undergoing an internal cleansing was a high priority for me. I knew any lingering unforgiveness would leave me a prisoner rather than the free man I wanted to be. Taking out the trash is essential to gaining clarity of thought. What time does your garbage hauler come each week? That’s a good time to check your heart and consciously throw away your internal debris!

  I embraced the fact that I had never asked for this significant challenge. Cancer isn’t what I ordered for takeout, so to speak, but I chose to recognize the potential upside. Searching for lessons, benefits, and takeaways isn’t easy, but it’s tremendously helpful. I saw this challenge, for example, as fuel for reaching new goals in my life and career. It would help me strengthen my relationships, even the ones I considered already strong.

  My logical mind told me that the testing I was enduring would eventually produce something more valuable in me, and I can honestly say that today I live a more joyful and happy life. I face most days with greater endurance, patience, and empathy toward others in trial. I have more gratitude and peace in my heart.

  One of the facts we need to embrace is that we don’t have all the facts. The trials we face almost always involve ambiguity—an uncertain journey culminating in an unknown outcome.

  Embracing ambiguity means you can move forward even when you don’t know exactly where you are going.

  If that seems impossible, know that you can move forward with the Power of 3, tackling the daily irritations and agonies you face. When I found out I had cancer, I didn’t know if I would live or die. But the process of living out the Power of 3 meant I was able to better deal with the difficulties and overcome the daily problems that were my new reality. I was determined to do battle even if I didn’t know how the war would end.

  Unexpected Gifts

  A simple example of how my life changed was my appreciation for the nurse who took care of me over the five months of chemo. As she administered one drug after another, visit after visit, I made sure to connect with her and be optimistic. I did accept, sometimes reluctantly, that the adventure I was facing would lead to something significant. I just didn’t know what that would be.

  Recently, I returned to the oncology department at Mayo and showed the receptionist a photo of the nurse, my wife, and me on my last day of chemo. She saw the picture and ran to get my nurse. It had been a couple of years since my last treatment, and I wanted to say a heartfelt thank you to the nurse for all she did for me. I also thought it might make her day to see a patient who lived!

  A few moments later, my nurse saw me in the waiting area and flashed the biggest smile ever. She sprinted over to me, and we embraced for a long time. We all shed tears. People who were once strangers, getting to know each other through adversity, were hugging like family. Without the terrible experience I went through, I would never have had that joyful bond.

  Adversity can bring out blessings and help us become more grateful, tender, and understanding. I can now see this cancer as a true gift that God gave to me.

  It reminds me of the words in James 1:12: “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown
of life.”

  The first picture on the next page is my last chemo treatment, with Pam at the far left, our wonderful nurse in the middle, and baldy Robb on the right. The other picture is two years later with my dear friend, the nurse who helped me through the ordeal.

  You’re reading this book as a direct result of this incredibly difficult adventure. Whatever your challenge is today, the process of recognizing and leaning on your unique personal abilities is key. Those strengths are your best tools for succeeding in life. When you activate the unique talents you were created with, you step into your sweet spot—you step into your purpose.

  It’s like baseball. When the ball connects with the bat, kaboom! It flies toward the fence. That sweet sound of contact keeps a player stepping back up to the plate and training in the off-season. Or like a sculptor who can turn clay into the exact likeness of another person. The realism is jaw dropping, but the talent is honed over many years and many imperfect likenesses. Or like my college choral director who could take dozens of young voices in the St. Olaf choir and meld them into a perfectly tuned chorus of inspiration. His ability inspired us to work hard, correct ourselves, and achieve a sound that took us to performances at The Kennedy Center in Washington, DC, and the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in Los Angeles. His natural talent helped us discover our own, but that didn’t preclude the necessity of rehearsals. The results are so satisfying when we do something “naturally” and yet practice hard to perfect it.

  Practicing the Power of 3

  So, what about you? There’s a secret to activating your God-given gifts. It happens when you

  know who you are,

  are who you are, and

  help others know and be who they are.

  Let’s see next how to do that by plugging into your gifts and helping others become. Here are some questions to ask yourself before we move on:

  How well do I embrace ambiguity in my work and at home?

  What have I learned from this chapter that might lead me to a next step in discovering my purpose?

  What parts of the ACTIVATE acronym are important for me at this time to zero in on? What would be a next step?

  What can I apply from the discussion in this chapter on how neurochemistry can impact my decisions and how I can better utilize my talents?

  CHAPTER 5Plug into Your Gifts: Help Others Become

  Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground. There’s no greater investment.

  STEPHEN COVEY

  WHEN WE OPERATE IN AREAS where we’re naturally gifted, we can’t help feeling more energy, confidence, and optimism. Success breeds more success as momentum builds. But how do we identify the strengths we were born with?

  Most of us have no idea what our top talents really are—or if we do know, we’ve drifted away from them. We spend the best hours of our lives at a job or some other pursuit. But many of us are in the wrong career altogether. One telling sign: a 2016 Gallup poll found that only 29 percent of Millennials feel engaged at their jobs.[1] My work with business executives has shown that of the five core areas that make up what is known as “emotional intelligence”—self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills—it’s often self-awareness that is most lacking. The key to self-awareness is understanding our personal strengths and weaknesses.

  Let me give you a couple of ways you can recognize your God-given gifts and have confidence in your conclusions. I use similar methods with my clients all the time.

  Asking the Right Questions

  When your goal is to discover your gifts, once again, asking the right questions is a great place to start. Begin by writing down your answers to these questions, then look for common themes:

  What comes naturally to you?

  In what areas do you quickly get results?

  What brings you enjoyment in your everyday work and life?

  What causes your friends to say, “How did you figure that out so easily?”

  What did you most enjoy doing as a child and teenager?

  That last question is especially critical. Searching your past often yields clues to your natural talents.

  I was leading a development session for top-tier employees of a tech company. Midmorning, I invited each participant to turn to a team member and share what they did with their time when they were young—say, from age six to twelve. What did they love doing? How and where did they spend their time? What did they do the most back in the days when a ticking clock wasn’t a concern?

  After a few moments, I asked for volunteers to share what they had learned from their teammate. One leader played sports with neighborhood kids. Another mentioned a love of dance. Another had stories about volunteering. Then the chief technology officer spoke up and shared how his acute shyness as a child led him to build things. He had an Erector set—that classic toy of metal bars, gears, nuts, and bolts—and a battery-powered motor that could be assembled into an endless variety of tools, gadgets, and thingamajigs. The CTO loved coming up with new designs and solutions all by himself.

  This leader’s childhood interests led him to the job he occupied forty years later as a technology expert and brilliant inventor. And it explained the small Erector set in his office!

  So think carefully about your answers to these questions, and especially what you did in your unoccupied hours as a kid. What do they reveal about the talents you were born with?

  The Uplifting Circle

  The uplifting circle exercise examines a situation by taking an all-encompassing look from various angles. As important as it is to explore our own perspective on our talents, we need to add in others’ viewpoints to get a full picture.

  Try this method I use with clients:

  First, list at least six people, preferably a mix of friends, colleagues, and family members who know you best.

  Then, write a short e-mail intro like this: Hey, friend. I’m reading a book about how to overcome life’s inevitable adversities. It comes from the perspective of an executive diagnosed with three deadly cancers. The way he made it through surgeries, chemo, and the daily difficulties of being so sick is called the “Power of 3.” One part of the Power of 3 triangle talks about activating our talents whenever we face challenges. You know me, and I trust you. If you could take just a minute and reply to a few short questions, I’d be so grateful to have your perspective.

  Next, insert a short series of questions about the gifts your friend has observed in you: As you’ve gotten to know me, what natural talents have you seen in me?

  What gifts have you observed in me that are unique or surprising?

  How do you see these talents positively impacting others or my own life?

  Are there other ways you think I could put these natural talents to use? Any areas to activate?

  Do you see anything in me that holds me back from making the most of my talents? If so, what do you see?

  Finally, if you want further clarification of a friend’s response, follow up with a phone call. I believe you’ll be greatly encouraged.

  These insights will be a gift to you and will help you better activate your talents.

  Many people try to identify their strengths by their own observations. If you have limited your gifts discovery to your own vantage point, it’s time to expand your view.

  Asking yourself good questions and inviting advocates through the uplifting circle exercise gives you a far more effective way of discovering your natural talents. Don’t shortchange yourself!

  Activating in Everyday Life

  Knowing who you really are and becoming aware of your true talents will help move you forward. But following up with action is essential. As you move from knowing who you are to acting on that knowledge—being who you are, exercising the gifts you’re born with—you’ll enjoy new energy, peace, and encouragement.

  The key is putting your gifts to use. Raw talent doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t take that swing. To achieve fulfillment in life, we must consistentl
y develop our inborn talents.

  As I was dealing with cancer, I took eight specific actions to activate my gifts. These small steps got me moving and created an environment where I could make the most of my gifts.

  Below is an “Activation in Action” chart summarizing how you can initiate movement in a better direction even when you feel stuck.

  Start with any of the activation actions—the one that seems most relevant to your situation.

  Ask yourself and answer the activation questions.

  Choose a small, achievable goal you can take today—in the next few moments—to move forward. Don’t wait; act!

  ACTIVATION IN ACTION

  ACTIVATION ACTION

  ACTIVATION QUESTIONS

  ACTIVATION STEP

  A

  ASSESS

  Know the reality you face to gain clarity of thought.

  How can I be honest today about my situation? What truths am I hiding from? What natural gift could I use to move forward?

  Today I will . . .

  C

  CONTROL

  Self-awareness and self-control can be your best friends.

  What am I trying to control that is beyond my control? What can I do that is within my reach? What natural gift could I use to move forward?