Paper Chains

by Nicola Moriarty

  ‘So,’ continued Amy, ‘how about I start, tell you what I know and then you can fill me in on the rest.’ She popped her son into a baby swing and switched it on. He began to rock gently back and forth, serenaded by instrumental lullabies. ‘This is Harrison by the way,’ Amy added as she took a seat on the couch next to Hannah. ‘He’s six months,’ she added without being asked. ‘Not sure if Dad would have told you about him?’

  Hannah nodded, ‘Yeah, I heard.’

  ‘Ah. Right, so this is what I know about you. Liam called Dad when you first vanished. He was frantic, didn’t know where you’d gone. Why you’d left. Said you left a note, saying that you’d run away overseas somewhere. None of us could understand it at first. But I had an idea. I know I’ve never known you well, but it seemed pretty clear to me. You’ve been suffering from postnatal depression, right? Maybe even post-partum psychosis. I know because my mum went through it with all of us. Wasn’t called PND back then though; Mum was just told she was having a mental breakdown. Luckily she got through it on her own, left my dad (my first dad) when I was ten and later she met Jack. But when I was pregnant with Harrison she told me all about it. Wanted to warn me in case I suffered from it too – it’s supposed to be genetic. She explained how there were times when she just wanted to run away from it all.

  ‘Anyway, when I heard about you and started to think that maybe this is what you were going through too, I went to see Liam. I spoke to Mum first, asked her what she thought and she agreed. She wished that she had chatted with you about her PND too, wished she had been closer to you, that maybe if she had she might have picked up on the signs. But she’s always known the part she played in splitting up your parents and has expected you to hate her for it, especially after what happened with your mother . . . later.’

  Hannah was keeping her eyes down as Amy spoke, her mouth clamped shut. She flicked her eyes up momentarily though, to take another look at Harrison. He was grinning across at them from his swing, leaning forward slightly, as though eager to hear the story as well. Amy continued with her retelling of the recent events.

  ‘Obviously I didn’t know Liam well either; in fact, the only time I’ve even met him was at your wedding. But I wanted to see if I could help in some way.’ Amy paused here, and Hannah got the feeling that she was nervous about what she wanted to say next.

  ‘Hannah, he was devastated. He blames himself, you know. For not picking up on the signs. You’ve got to call him. He’s missing you like crazy.’

  Hannah nodded. ‘I know. I know that he was at first anyway. But he’s moved on now, right? Met someone else. And that’s for the best anyway. That’s what my plan was; those kids deserve more, much more . . . than me.’

  Amy stared at her in surprise. ‘What are you talking about? Are you insane? Of course he hasn’t met anyone. Jesus, Hannah, it’s only been a couple of months. What makes you think that anyway?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter, I just know what I heard, okay? Listen, thank you for everything, the clothes, the tea . . . but I think I should go, get out of your way.’

  Amy looked startled by Hannah’s sudden decision to leave. Her composed demeanour became flustered as she jumped up from the couch. ‘Uh, wait, no – you can’t go yet,’ she said, flapping her arms at Hannah.

  ‘No, really, you’ve done enough. I’ve got to figure out what I’m going to do next, where I’m going to go. I just need to think. Please, Amy, don’t tell anyone you saw me, okay?’ Hannah was already reaching for her backpack, which was still sodden from the rain.

  ‘Hannah, WAIT!’

  Hannah stared back at Amy, taken aback by her yelp.

  ‘You can’t leave yet because . . . because I’ve already called Liam. I’m sorry. It was while you were in the shower. He didn’t pick up though, must be out . . . and I don’t have his mobile number. But I left him a message, told him you were here.’ Amy began to chew on her fingernails nervously as she waited for Hannah’s reaction. ‘I’m really sorry,’ she said again. ‘I felt like I had to,’ she added.

  Hannah hesitated, unsure of what to say. Her head was clamouring with thoughts fighting to be heard. Stay, Hannah. Stay, you could see him again. If she stayed, he might come straight here when he received the message. Maybe there was a way, maybe there was a chance to sort it all out. But at the same time doubt was tugging at her fingertips. What if he doesn’t want to see you? What if he doesn’t come rushing around here? Because remember, he hates you now. And he has every right to. After all, there was that text message. His final words to her, washing his hands of her, giving up. Seeing those words in her mind again was like having cut glass slicing at her bones.

  No. Hannah was too afraid to stay and find out.

  Liam finally had both the nappy bag and Gracie’s backpack organised. He gathered up Ethan, took Gracie by the hand and led her out the front door. As he pulled the door shut behind him, he heard the phone inside begin to ring again. They were already running at least half an hour late for the party and it might just be a wrong number again. Too bad, machine’ll have to get it. If they really need me, they’ll try my mobile. And then he strapped the kids in, hopped in the front seat, and reversed out of the driveway.

  Forty minutes later, Liam winced as the car entered the Lane Cove tunnel. ‘Uh oh,’ he whispered under his breath. On cue, Gracie started wailing. ‘I don’t like it in here. I want to get out of here. Daddy? Daddy! I want to get out of this tunnel.’ He wasn’t sure when or where she had developed this intense dislike of driving through tunnels, and he wondered briefly if this was something brand new that Hannah had never even experienced with her. The thought made him angry. She shouldn’t be missing out on any of this stuff.

  ‘S’all right, Gracie, we’ll be out in the sunshine again in a sec. Okay?’

  ‘Daddy?’

  ‘Yeah, hon?’

  ‘Please can we get out of this tunnel?’

  Liam sighed. ‘Sure thing, Grace, we’ll be out any minute now.’

  ‘Yes, but I said please. So can we please get out of here NOW?’

  ‘Ahh, yes, my mistake, I forgot that you’d said please. All right, Gracie. Hold on, let me just see if I can process that request for you, it’ll just be one minute, okay?’

  There was a pause and then Gracie said politely, ‘Okay. Thank you, Daddy.’ Liam glanced in the rear-view mirror and smiled. A moment later the car glided out into the sunlight and Gracie applauded from the back seat. ‘Oh, well done, Daddy!’

  ‘Daddy,’ Gracie added suddenly.

  ‘Yep?’

  ‘When we get to the party, will we see Mummy there?’

  Liam felt a thud deep in his gut and his hand flew up from the steering wheel to pinch the bridge of his nose. He had to cough wheezily before he could respond. ‘I really wish I could say yes, baby, but no. We won’t see Mummy there. But hopefully soon, okay?’

  ‘Please can we see Mummy there?’

  ‘What about this – we’ll see all your friends. That’ll be nice, won’t it?’

  ‘But I said please,’ Gracie wailed.

  ‘All right, Grace. Here’s what I’ll do, I’ll process your request, okay? But it’s going to take a little while. Lots of paperwork, red tape, you know? Might have to get a few interns on the case, approval from some higher-ups – that’ll take time. But I’m going to get right to work on it, okay?’

  There was silence from the back seat. Gracie seemed to be carefully considering what her father had said. Eventually she responded. ‘Right,’ she said firmly. Then, after another pause, ‘Good luck, Daddy.’

  Liam raised his eyebrows in surprise at the grown-up statement. Then he laughed. ‘Thanks, honey, I’m gonna need it. Hey look, you see that?’ he added then, pointing out through the front windscreen. ‘That’s the city skyline up ahead, means we’re nearly there.’

  Riley had had to fly from the UK to Spain in order to
meet up with James, but it was worth it. She knew this letter would be important to Simon. She knew how Simon felt about India. The fact that he’d even mentioned India at all in an email to her was a definite sign. Besides, she wanted to deliver it to Simon in person, so it was sort of on the way. They were meeting at a restaurant at 10 pm. James had suggested they have dinner, and Riley figured why not. She could see from James’s profile photo that he was cute. Her first impression when she spotted him at an outdoor table was that he was even more good-looking in person. Her second impression when she waved and headed his way was that he was not thinking the same thing.

  She sat down in front of him and James stared for a few seconds before asking politely, ‘Sorry, but can I help you?’ Riley hesitated, thrown for a moment. ‘I’m Riley,’ she replied. ‘Aren’t you James?’

  ‘You’re Riley?’ James’s shoulders slumped. ‘Sorry – I just thought you were a guy, that’s all.’

  It clicked for Riley, ‘Oh, nope. Afraid not.’ She smiled. ‘You were hoping to meet Mr Right hey?’ James nodded reluctantly. Riley laughed. ‘So was I actually.’

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Hannah was walking briskly up a steep hill. What now, Hannah? What now? Coming back to Sydney had been stupid. Of course Liam had moved on. Of course she was going to run into someone she knew; it had just been a matter of time, hadn’t it? Still, did it have to be so quick – on both accounts? She sneezed, and then she sneezed again – five times in a row. Great, probably going to get sick cause I got caught in that storm. Maybe I’ll get lucky, maybe I will get pneumonia. Maybe I’ll be so sick that I’ll end up in hospital with it. All weak and pale, but beautiful, still beautiful of course. And then . . . maybe Liam will come. Would that be enough? Enough for him to want to forgive me? If I was near death?

  But that’s not what’s going to happen. Instead I’ll just get a normal common cold. The tip of my nose will go all red and flaky. I’ll have a hacking cough and a sweaty fever and there’ll be no one to look after me and I’ll be miserable and unattractive (because of the red nose) and I’ll wish for someone to rub Vicks on my chest and make soup for me and it won’t happen because I won’t deserve it. Oh hell, Hannah, what have you gone and done with your life?

  She had walked all the way through the back streets of Mosman and had found her way up to Military Road now. She spotted a city bus and ran for the stop up ahead, then flung her arm out to flag it down.

  ‘Just made it, uh?’ chuckled the bus driver as she hopped on.

  ‘Looks like it.’

  ‘Lucky you weren’t out there trying to catch a bus about an hour ago. HUGE storm, should have seen it. Wouldn’t have wanted to get caught in that. Most of my passengers looked like drowned rats. Ha!’ The driver grinned at her as she handed over money for the fare and then continued to chat as she took a seat near the front.

  ‘Day seems to be coming good now, though. Bit of sunshine peeking through over there. Doesn’t feel much like winter’s coming at the moment, eh?’

  ‘Guess not.’

  ‘You a local, love?’

  The personal question took Hannah by surprise. ‘You mean the North Shore?’

  ‘Nah, I mean are you a Sydney girl? Or a traveller. Saw you had that big backpack. But no accent. I mean, no foreign accent. You sound Aussie, you from another state?’

  Hannah shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She had thought catching a bus instead of a taxi would mean no questions. No awkward conversations. Why hadn’t she taken a seat further up the back?

  ‘Um, I’m from Sydney actually.’ And she looked pointedly out the window, hoping he might stop questioning her. Instead he turned to look at her, dangerously taking his eyes off the slowing traffic up ahead.

  ‘Huh. So what’s with the luggage then?’

  Hannah attempted to curb the irritation from creeping into her voice as she responded. ‘Been overseas,’ she said.

  ‘Oh yeah? Where’d you go? Never left the country meself. Always wanted to travel, though. Those pyramids, they must be something, right? Did’ya see the pyramids over there? And the Statue of Liberty, that’s another one I’d like to set my eyes on. What about her? You see her on your travels?’

  ‘Nope. Neither. Went to England.’

  ‘Ah! England! The mother country. I’ve got English heritage, that and a bit of Maltese actually. Don’t look it though, do I?’

  Before she could stop herself, Hannah blurted out, ‘My husband’s Maltese.’

  ‘Really? What’s the surname? Never know, could be that we’re related, right?’ And he chuckled again.

  ‘Privitelli.’

  The driver frowned and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Eventually he said, ‘Nah, don’t know any Privitellis. Sure it’s a good name though. So where’s your husband then? Didn’t he go overseas with you?’

  Hannah kicked herself for having mentioned Liam at all. How was she supposed to answer this?

  In the end she settled for a simple ‘No.’

  ‘Why’s that?’

  Jesus!

  ‘It’s complicated.’

  ‘Ahhh. Having problems, are you? I’ll tell you something, love, and I’ll give you this advice for free. If a marriage is worth saving, you’ll know. My wife and me, we went through some problems. Divorced, fifteen years ago now. Shouldn’t have given up so easily though. And that was my fault, I accept that. I didn’t work at it hard enough, you know what I mean? You see, everyone has their ups and downs. I should have realised that. Shouldn’t have expected it to all be highs. You gotta take the bad with the good, right? So whatever it is, you have a good long think about it, see if it might be something you can work at. Someone’s gotta take the first step, see? So what is it anyway? You fight over money? Kids? You want them, he doesn’t? Sex? Lota people fight over sex, don’t know why – such a simple act – but it causes big problems.’

  Hannah stood up abruptly. ‘Actually, this is my stop up here.’

  ‘Oh. Really?’ The driver looked disappointed. ‘Well, nice chat, love. You take care, all right?’

  As the bus pulled up at the stop, and Hannah made to step down the stairs, he shot an arm out to stop her. ‘Hey, let me tell you one more thing. My wife and I, we got back together, had a second wedding and all. Another big white dress even. Been married five years this time round. Working things out – best thing that ever happened to me. So just keep that in mind, eh? Never know how things might work out in the end, even if it seems bleak now.’

  Hannah nodded and gave him a tiny smile as she stepped down onto the street. That was different. I think I just got the friendliest bus driver in the bloody world.

  She looked up as the bus pulled away from the curb and tried to get her bearings. Thanks to the all-consuming conversation with the driver, she hadn’t paid any attention to where she had hopped off. As she spun around on the spot, looking for something familiar, her eyes caught sight of a splash of colour. It took a moment for her brain to catch up and then her vision blurred and her stomach heaved. It was the giant smiling face of Luna Park. She was just down the street from Milsons Point train station.

  ‘Isn’t he just exquisite?’ gushed the woman at the fairy-floss stand. Liam smiled politely and shifted Ethan from one arm to the other. ‘Exquisite, yes – but also surprisingly heavy for his age.’

  He was hoping she might take the hint and move things along; he wanted to go and sit down, take a breather for a few minutes before it was time to rejoin the party. He had been proud of how he had managed to successfully extricate himself from the main group. Once they’d arrived Gracie had forgotten all about her fears of being there without her dad and had raced off to join her friends. There were no other dads accompanying their children, just mums – mums intent on telling him how he should be dealing with Gracie’s tantrums, when he should be starting Ethan on solids, what sort of sleep patterns he should be
enforcing and all sorts of other shit that he had no interest in whatsoever. As far as he was concerned, he was doing just fine with his kids so far. When he’d mentioned finding somewhere quiet on his own to give Ethan his bottle, Dee had been quick to offer him her company, but he’d been able to decline, even if it had taken a fair bit of force.

  The fairy-floss woman missed Liam’s subtle hints and continued to coo at Ethan. ‘He’s got your eyes, you know. Adorable.’

  Liam’s smile became a little fixed as he restrained himself from correcting her. Actually, you twit, they’re his mum’s eyes; anyone can see they don’t look anything like mine.

  Liam walked away feeling agitated. He was quite close to the spot where he’d first laid eyes on Hannah. He still remembered that moment quite clearly. Remembered spotting her walking away from the roller coaster, recalled how what he’d first noticed about her was her eyes. Oh okay, so that was bullshit; what he noticed first were her great breasts – perky, round, just the right amount of cleavage showing to get him feeling quite aroused. But then he’d looked up and noticed her eyes. It was the cheeky spark that attracted him. That’s what caused him to be so bold when he’d approached her. He had the sense that a normal pick-up line wasn’t going to work on this girl. Instead he’d just stepped right up to her, acting like they were friends who had planned to meet rather than complete strangers. And she’d made that crack about how he ought to have picked up that paper cup and he’d immediately thought, This is going to be fun.

  So then how had it all gone so wrong?

  Hannah walked steadily towards the train station, her shoulders aching from the weight of the backpack. So, Hannah, what happens when you reach the station? Going to get on a train, or going to step in front of a train? Seems like such a small difference, doesn’t it? Step on, step in front. On, or in front? On. In front.