Paper Chains

by Nicola Moriarty

  On. In front. Her brain was filled with those three words, just tumbling around, piling on top of one another; over and over and over they asked her, On? In front?

  At the station she bought a ticket. So that seemed like a good sign. She hadn’t been here to this station since her mother had taken her own life. And now as she walked slowly down the platform, she found herself wondering what her mother had been thinking when she had come here. Whether she herself was now walking the exact same path as her mother. She took notice of her surroundings carefully. She saw the sparkle of the sunlight glinting on the specks in the concrete. Noticed the grime of grease on the tracks. Felt the air pressing against her skin. Felt pressure on her lungs. Tightening around her throat. Where had she stepped off the platform? Was it here, by the staircase? Was it over there, near the ticket booth? Did her blood splatter up from the tracks, onto the concrete of the platform? And how well would they have cleaned it? Would they have scrubbed at it with bleach until all remnants of her mother were gone? Or could there still be faint traces of her?

  Did she know when she came here? Was it a plan? Or was it a spontaneous decision? Most people thought spontaneity was a good thing.

  In the distance she heard the sound of a train approaching. And she wondered about that old saying and how true it really was: Like mother like daughter.

  Liam found a bench seat and sat down to give Ethan his bottle. After a few minutes of trying to figure out if he could feed Ethan and also eat the fairy floss he’d just bought at the same time, he gave up and rested the pink and yellow cloud of spun sugar on top of the stroller instead. He watched Ethan’s eyes follow the colourful shape of the fairy floss as it passed over him. ‘Nope,’ Liam said quietly, ‘I might be a man and according to all these preschool mums, therefore incapable of looking after my baby son – but one thing I do know is that you don’t give fairy floss to a newborn. Sorry, kid.’

  But then Ethan’s eyes caught sight of his bottle of milk and he practically dived on the teat. Liam leaned back on the seat as Ethan fed and watched the groups of people pass by. It was a different sort of crowd from when he’d first met Hannah here eight years ago. A lot more families and young children – or maybe he was the one who had changed and he had just started noticing the family types more. He spotted a young couple who he guessed might have been on a first date – or at least in the very early stages of their relationship. The guy was trying to win her one of those giant stuffed toys by tossing rings across a water canal and attempting to land them around old style milk bottles. Each time he missed the red flush on his neck would creep a little higher. Liam was feeling bad for the guy, but then the girl stepped in close, grabbed him by the shirt and kissed him, hard. Even if the guy couldn’t see it, as far as Liam was concerned, the message was clear – that girl didn’t give a crap about some stuffed toy, all she wanted was him.

  Hannah stood on the train, watching as the doors slid shut and they moved off, away from the station. In the end, the decision had been made for her. A little old lady had approached her as she stood, toes lined up against the yellow paint strip on the platform. She had coughed to get Hannah’s attention and when Hannah turned to look at her, she had expected a sweet little old lady voice – to match her sweet white-curled-hair appearance. But instead the voice had been clipped. ‘I’ll need your help getting on the train. This frame is really very heavy. Much too heavy for me to lift up over the gap on my own. But mind you’re careful with it.’ And she had indicated the steel walking frame she was leaning heavily against.

  ‘Sure, no problem,’ said Hannah.

  ‘Of course it’s not a problem. I wasn’t asking, dear.’

  Once on the train the woman had wrenched the walking frame out of Hannah’s grip as she moved off to sit down without so much as a thank you. Hannah now stood by herself, wondering if she needed to be grateful to the old woman for saving her. But really, she knew that she had had no intention of killing herself. Just as she hadn’t really meant to lean forward from her flat window that night.

  Like mother like daughter? Pfft. Fuck that.

  No. It was time to make a change. It was time to step up and take back her life. The train was headed out west. She was going to go home. She was going to step right up to her front door and she was going to hug her children and she was going to kiss her husband. And if that woman who had answered the phone answered the door, this time she was going to ask her who the hell she was.

  Liam smiled as Gracie came barrelling towards him. She thrust a stuffed elephant in his face. ‘I won it!’ she exclaimed, breathless.

  ‘Well done, hon,’ Liam replied, lifting Ethan up over his shoulder so he could burp him.

  Gracie was followed by Dee and Cody, along with one more mum and her two little girls.

  ‘Where’s the rest of the party?’ Liam asked.

  ‘Gone,’ said Gracie matter-of-factly.

  Dee leaned in to explain. ‘Our birthday girl ate too much and threw up everywhere, had to go home early – the party sort of disintegrated from there.’ Then she looked pointedly at the other mum, the last one standing. ‘I guess we should all call it a day then,’ Dee said brightly.

  ‘Oh, okay, yes I suppose I should take these two home,’ said the other mother awkwardly.

  ‘Coming to the train station?’ she asked.

  ‘Oh no, we both drove,’ Dee replied a tad smugly, standing her ground firmly. Liam couldn’t help but give the other mum a slightly desperate plea for help with his eyes, but she just smiled sympathetically, said her goodbyes, and backed away with her two children under Dee’s hardened gaze.

  Left alone, Dee turned her attention to Liam. ‘What say we take this lot into the city for an early tea by the harbour?’ she asked.

  ‘Ahh, you know what,’ said Liam falteringly, ‘I was actually thinking I might hang around here a bit longer, you know, make the most of the entrance fee now that we’re here. Have some family time.’ If he had placed any more emphasis on the word family it would have been like hitting her over the head with a blunt stick.

  Dee’s face remained unfazed. ‘Darling,’ she said, ‘there was no entrance fee. It’s free.’

  ‘Oh you know, figure of speech . . .’ said Liam, his voice petering out nervously.

  But Dee just giggled as though Liam was the funniest person she had ever met. ‘Well anyway, that’s perfect; you see I was just saying to Cody we should explore a bit more before we have to go home. Come on,’ she added, her eyes flickering towards a shooting game nearby. ‘You can win me a giant teddy bear with your rifle skills!’

  What rifle skills?

  ‘I’m not really much of a shooter,’ he said quickly.

  ‘What?’ she exclaimed, with a peel of artificial laughter. ‘I bet you’re just being modest! Hey, Gracie, don’t you want to see Daddy win that giant toy over there?’ Dee appealed to Gracie, and Gracie looked back and forth between her dad’s face and the huge teddy bear – clearly torn.

  ‘That settles it,’ said Dee, as though Gracie had responded by jumping up and down with excitement and begging to go over to the game. ‘Let’s go!’ And Liam felt as though he had no choice but to place Ethan in his stroller and obediently follow Dee over to the heavily decorated stall.

  He couldn’t believe how badly he wished that it was eight years ago still and he was here with Hannah, flirting outrageously, the air thick with sexual tension, his skin fizzing each time his hand touched hers.

  The train ride seemed to be over so quickly. One minute they were crossing the bridge, the next they were underground, and then suddenly, suburbs were flashing past. Redfern. Auburn. Parramatta. Seven Hills. She watched as back yards with hills hoist clotheslines, grey buildings splashed with graffiti and milk bars and video stores rushed by. When her stop arrived, she stepped off the train with trembling legs. It felt as though all of the confidence that she’d gathered back
at Milsons Point had been haemorrhaging since about Strathfield.

  What if he slammed the door in her face?

  What if Gracie hated her now?

  What if Ethan couldn’t remember her?

  But her feet took control and her body was forced to take the familiar route home. Down Carson Street. Left onto Rooke, right at Prescott. Cut through the walkway between Prescott and Potter Avenue. And finally, left into Amber Place. There it was, just up ahead. Her home.

  That’s your family, Han. Right there, behind those white bricks and grey cement. On the other side of that door, your family is waiting for you – whether they know it or not.

  Of course, she was wrong.

  All that preparation. All the strength it took to lift her hand and knock. And no one came to the bloody door. Eventually she found the spare key, hidden in the garden, taped to the bottom of a frighteningly ugly garden gnome – and she let herself into her house. It was the smell that hit her first. It was so familiar, that smell; if she was asked to describe it, she wasn’t sure that she could – but it smelt like home, and it brought the memories rushing back. She saw herself vacuuming the lounge room furiously, determined that Liam not know she wasn’t coping. Saw herself sitting on the lounge in the darkness, feeding Ethan in the dead of the night, eyes fixed on a silent, flickering television, mind blank. And she saw herself huddled in the kitchen pantry, with just the light from the cupboard spilling out into the room, as she steadily ate her way through chocolate after chocolate, until she felt sick enough to vomit.

  She had to shake her head to push those memories away, to stop herself from being suffocated by them. Instead she let the straps of her backpack fall away and dropped the pack to the floor, feeling relieved to be free of its weight on her shoulders.

  Now what? Did she just wait for them to come home? Cook dinner for them, greet them at the front door and pretend she’d never left? She snorted at the thought. She walked slowly through the house and wondered if perhaps it was actually best this way. Almost as if by spending time in their house on her own, she could ease herself ever so gently back into her life again. Step by step.

  In her bedroom she gazed at the bed and she thought about her and Liam, and how they had always liked to sleep together, back before sleep became a precious commodity constantly interrupted by tiny people demanding her attention. They’d start with her head on his chest, her legs curled around his legs, and Liam would be constantly puffing his cheeks out as he tried to blow strands of her hair away from his face because they would tickle his nose. And then after five minutes, she’d turn over, and he’d stay flat on his back and she’d slide her hand up under her pillow and find his hand waiting there and their fingers would entwine together and that’s how they always fell asleep.

  In Ethan’s room, Hannah’s eyes travelled from his cot to his change table to his baby blue wardrobe and the sense of loss and of longing, longing for a relationship that had never even seen the light of day, tugged so strongly at her body that she had to turn away and squeeze her eyes shut tight.

  Then Gracie’s room. Hannah barely caught sight of her white and pink cupcakes bedspread, the teddy bear sitting crooked on her pillow before the tears welled up and she wanted to scream out loud: ‘Hannah, what did you do?’ Before she closed the door, she quickly crossed the room and then gently righted the crooked teddy bear so that it sat, tall and confident on her daughter’s bed. Finally she headed back up the hall and into the kitchen. That’s when she saw the invitation on the fridge. She double-checked the date.

  Unbelievable. That’s where they were right now. At Luna Park for a birthday party. Dammit, how could she have been so close?

  She checked her watch. Could she get all the way back there and catch them in time? Or should she just wait here for them to come home?

  No. She was supposed to be taking her life back. She left the house at a run.

  ‘Ooh, shall we go on the ferris wheel next?’

  ‘Yeah sure, we’ll just find a carnie to look after Ethan for us, shall we?’ Liam knew he was being rude, but he couldn’t help it. Subtle didn’t work on this woman. She’d dragged him from one meaningless game to another. And she was one of those people who like to touch you – a lot. There was constant arm grabbing and neck stroking and even, once, butt squeezing. Honestly, it was starting to become uncomfortable. Imagine if he was coming on that strong with a woman! He’d be sued for sexual harassment. Or at least he’d have been slapped in the face by now.

  He imagined responding to Dee’s advances with a slap in the face and then trying to explain to a police officer that he was just trying to stand up for himself. Obviously he would never do that, but God if that woman ran her glossy, manicured talon of a fingernail down his arm one more time . . .

  ‘Maybe we should just –’ he began, but Dee interrupted him – an occurrence that was becoming all too frequent. ‘Let’s give you just one more chance to win me that giant bear. I know you’ll never forgive yourself if we go home without one!’

  We? Go home? What the fuck?

  And he was too taken aback to respond as she led him over to yet another game that was designed to relieve him of as much of his cash as possible, usually in exchange for a plastic keyring or a bloody fridge magnet.

  Stepping in through that giant smiling face hadn’t been as hard as she had expected. She was focused now. She was strong. She was going to find her family.

  For the first five or ten minutes, as she searched through the park, she was avoiding it – that place where she had met her husband. But eventually, it was as though she was being drawn towards it and she gave in, allowing her legs to lead her to that familiar spot, as though a hook was attached to her navel, guiding her steadily towards it – just near the roller coaster. Up until now, she had been keeping her eyes open wide, scanning the crowds, searching for her family – but now, when she was sure she had the exact place, she closed her eyes and tried hard to transport herself back. Tried to change the sounds she could hear, the feel of the air on her skin. Pictured Liam as he was that night, walking towards her – shy but confident. His hair was a little longer back then, messier. God he was sexy.

  She had to get him back. She had to get her family back. She had to make this right.

  And that’s when she heard it. A child’s voice screaming out in delight: ‘Mummy!’

  She whipped her head up so fast that her neck snapped.

  That sounded like. Oh God, it is.

  Gracie.

  It was Gracie who saw her first.

  Liam was just lining up his next shot, thinking how stupid this was. Thinking how Hannah would never demand that he win her a giant teddy. Wondering how in the hell he was going to get rid of Dee – and more than that, wondering how he was ever going to get his family back together – when Gracie suddenly screamed out, ‘Mummy!’

  What?!

  Before he could stop her, before he could take in the scene in front of him, figure out who it was that she’d seen, Gracie had torn away from him and was running through the crowds of people.

  It can’t be. It can’t be her. She must have just seen someone who looked like Hannah and now he was going to have to console her when she realised. Leaving Ethan in his stroller with Dee, he took off running after her.

  That’s when he saw her. She had turned at the sound of Gracie’s scream and she was looking right at him and it was her face. It was Hannah.

  Before she knew it, Gracie had flown into Hannah’s arms and practically bowled her over. As Hannah landed with a thud on the ground, she could barely believe it. It had finally happened. Gracie was here, in her arms. Before Hannah could find them, her little girl had spotted her first. And right now, the rest of the world was receding around her and it was just Hannah and her baby girl, held so tight in her arms. And she was thinking to herself, I will never, ever leave you again as her tears streamed dow
n her cheeks and into Gracie’s hair.

  When she finally looked up, she saw Liam standing above her, staring at her incredulously.

  ‘Umm.’ Hannah took in a deep breath, unsure of what to say – of how to begin a conversation like this. But then Liam had dropped to his knees next to Hannah, and he had wrapped his arms around the two of them, and he was hugging her just as tight as Gracie had and both of them were crying, and Gracie was laughing. ‘Daddy! You’re squashing me!’ she giggled, but it took several seconds before Liam registered what she had said and let go.

  Eventually he leaned back and spoke. ‘God, Hannah, I don’t know what to say. Where do I even start?’ His voice sounded hurt and Hannah began to feel scared. When Gracie had flown into her arms just now, and then Liam had followed suit, she had been instantly filled with euphoria. Tiny sparks of hope for forgiveness from her family had flared and she had had visions of simply slipping seamlessly back into her life. Now she was coming back to reality – it wasn’t going to be that easy, was it?

  That’s when Dee appeared above them, pushing Ethan in his stroller, clutching her little boy’s hand. She was staring at Hannah in shock.

  ‘What . . . what are you doing here?’ she spluttered. Hannah realised then how odd they must have looked, the three of them on the ground in a tearful embrace. In fact, she realised now that several people were eyeing them curiously as they walked past. Hannah resisted the urge to respond to Dee, who she recognised from Gracie’s preschool, ‘Well, what are you doing here?’ Was Dee the woman who had answered the phone? Was Dee here with her family? And why was she pushing Ethan in his stroller? The stroller that had once been Gracie’s. The stroller that Hannah could so clearly remember picking out with Liam when she had been pregnant that first time. They had raced strollers up and down the aisles of BabyCo until a staff member had icily suggested that perhaps speed wasn’t the feature they should be looking for in a stroller and they had nodded meekly and agreed to look at the safety features and the comfort, but in the end they had still chosen the one that Hannah had won the race with.