The Goblin Queen and the Sigil of Altazan (The League of Sinister Means Book 2)

by H. K. MacTavish

  It’s a disaster! Fifteen goblins and more than that of baby water elementals and the heroes are still there! Impossible! I’m going to have to step up my game.

  “Gerald…” Leo says. Wait! Did…did I do something? Leo looks haggard and tired. How injured is he? I can’t see. He just looks wet. Maybe they sap the life force from their targets…or something? Because I’m not seeing a lot of blood.

  “I’ve got you,” Gerald says. He hangs the mace he wields to his belt and chants, touching Leo on the arm. Leo stands upright.

  “I thank you,” Leo says.

  Well, fuck.

  “You still have a few cuts…” Gerald says.

  “Save your strength. I will be fine for now,” Leo says.

  Save Gerald’s strength? Does his healing magic work differently than the magic I cast? Interesting. Not that I have a bottomless well of mana to draw from, but after a little rest I’m fine. How finite is Gerald’s magic?

  “So, who was that voice?” Katie asks.

  “Oh. Let me silence her,” Cassandra says. She is casting a spell. What spell is she cast…

  My…my cauldron. It’s just this white mist. What? No…

  “Damn it!” I yell casting a spear of ice into a goblin.

  “Highness is upset?” another goblin asks.

  “Yes, highness is upset. But highness can work around this,” I say.

  I don’t know why I was talking about myself like that in the third person.

  You know what Cassandra cast, Vivian. She knew you were scrying on her. But this is my lair! These are my runes I’m using. And…she doesn’t know that, does she? She thinks I’m just using a basic scry spell to peek at them.

  There is a spell to end it, but what is it? Let me look at Alistair’s So You Want to Be a Runecaster. I walk over to the table, put Morgan’s book aside, and open Alistair’s. The chapter on scrying is in the back. Okay, basic runes for scrying, scrying pools, scrying mirrors, ah, here we go.

  So, someone has discovered that you are scrying on them and they’ve blocked you? The first thing to do is, don’t worry. The next thing is don’t blame yourself.

  Why would I ever blame myself?

  Sometimes this isn’t a result of carelessness on your part. Some wielders of magic just like to play it safe and will try and prevent you from scrying on them and other times it is unavoidable. Especially once you start to cast spells through the scrying pool or mirror you’ve enchanted. Not everyone wants to use scrying pools to just watch.

  As I said earlier, don’t worry. Unless you are just using a basic scrying spell, then shame on you. If your basic scrying spell was blocked then feel free to panic because there is nothing to aid you. If nothing else I should have educated you by now on the benefits of runes in conjunction with scrying. Without runes your scrying is all dependent on your scrying pool and that is easier to block than you may think.

  So, why did you suddenly start getting a white mist to stare at instead of your intended target? The caster simply placed an impediment up between your scrying pool and your target. Think of it this way. The magic of your pool seeks out the inert mana around your targets. But, if you block that connection then you can’t utilize the mana and all your scrying pool shows you is a white mist. They’ve put up this big wall that you can’t see through. But, this isn’t as strong of a wall as the caster would like to think. And this is where runes come in handy. You can use them to hit the caster that is keeping the wall up between them and your pool.

  And there is an added benefit. If you are willing to make a sacrifice you can give the caster quite the headache.

  I can? Oh, right! I can do that…what do I need?

  Fresh blood from a sacrifice?

  I look over and see the dead goblin I just speared with an ice spear.

  Waste not, want not.

  I telekinetically drag the goblin over to me…what do I do with the blood? Drop some into the pool. I can manage that. How much do I need? A pint or so? How much do goblins have and more importantly, how much does this little shit still have in him? I…I think he has that much in him. There isn’t much of a blood trail. I dangle the goblin corpse over the cauldron with my magic, pull out the ice spear and let the blood trickle out. It is trickling slowly. Maybe I can get this to go faster. If I’m lucky Katie will convince the others to loot my bath room. Gods, am I hoping she is robbing me? Am I that desperate? Okay, a sharp ice shard to the neck and…that’s a lot of blood just oozing out. Okay. I’m calling that a pint. I toss the dead goblin aside.

  Let me see what I need to cast. Is this the spell? Oh. My scrying pool is still trying to see Cassandra, is it? The pool just can’t show an image. So I cast this spell and it all goes away. Let me go back to the cauldron.

  I can see an image again! I see the bath room but I don’t see anyone there except the bodies of my goblins. Where did the heroes go to? I thought this was supposed to still be looking at Cassandra. She must have moved on so my cauldron is showing me images again.

  Oh shit! The heroes moved on! Okay, scry on the heroes.

  White mist. This is Cassandra, is it? Okay, time to cast the spell. And, there!

  “Ahh!” Cassandra yells.

  Roasted Over a Fire

  They are in the forge room fighting! How late am I?

  There are still some goblins up and…oh, Cassandra is bent over in the corner! Excellent! Oh! Leo is fighting over some loose metal framework. The intricate iron grill rests over the fires of the forge. So it airs out or something I suppose. His feet are too big to slip into the holes of that grill.

  Damn it! He killed one goblin and is turning around…

  “Cassandra!” he calls out.

  What? He’s distracted by Cassandra’s cries of pain? Well, her boobs are big enough to have smaller objects in their orbit! Hmm, did I just insult Leo’s manhood or his intelligence? Ha! Doesn’t matter!

  I wave my fingers and the metal openings open up and he falls down. I’ve got him! I squeeze the metal closed around his legs and…he’s screaming! I thought using this spell wouldn’t crush anything I caught. It is just supposed to hold things really tight. Huh. I must have a really tight grip on his leg.

  Wait. His legs are flailing about. The hell did I grab? His arms are free, his legs are free, and his head is free. That only leaves…

  “Help me!” Leo yells in a clearly panicked and slightly higher pitched voice.

  Oh! Oh! Did I? Did I really? Quick scrying pool! Show me what is under there!

  Wow. I must be at an odd angle. That looks really big. Let me just zoon out and…oh. It really is…oh. Oh my. That can’t be natural. It looks like a python trying to escape his pelvis. Nature doesn’t make men that big. Does she? He has to have had a little magical assistance at some point. Right?

  I need more light. Oh right! He is over where the forge fires are lit. Let me just light it. There should be enough oil down there to get it started and…

  Whoosh!

  The flames just explode. And poor Leo is feeling it.

  “I need help over here!” Leo screams.

  “I’m busy!” Katie says. She is battling not one but two of my red sashed goblins. Cassandra hears Leo but is currently incapacitated. And Gerald…well, he really is more of a lover than a fighter. I hope so anyway because that man is no fighter. He’s having this grand battle with a pair of my goblins. Oh, don’t hurt him too bad my goblins! If you do, well, there are other men out there.

  Cassandra looks up towards Leo and decides to try and move towards him. She staggers to her feet and runs over to see what she can do to aid her poor, poor, fellow hero while holding her head with both hands. Look at that bosom bounce; speaking of nature not making things that big. With that much weight being tossed around I should be seeing some sweater puppies escape the kennel. Anytime now. I mean, I don’t want to see another woman naked, but, you know, I kind of want to see Cassandra naked. Just a little.

  She’s kneeling at Leo’s side and she’s
still in that top? No way! There is absolutely no way that little bit of silk and some gold can hold back mountains. Hey, Cassandra! I have a letter here from Mother Nature! She’s pressing charges for violating her laws!

  And those heels aren’t having a problem with the holes in the floor? That is a grated floor. Thin pegs go in round holes! Something I’m sure you are intimately familiar with dressed like that. Well, shoes work the same way but for some reason, yours don’t. How? Why? How?

  “I’m here,” Cassandra says as she winces from her headache.

  “Help me!” Leo says. He is only concerned about his wedding tackle, which is beginning to roast nicely I would imagine. He doesn’t even notice Cassandra’s pain.

  “Let me see what is wrong…” Cassandra says.

  I am squeezing his troops and trying to cook them. That is what’s wrong.

  I am so giddy! This is excellent! What I wouldn’t give for more goblins.

  “You!” I order the nearest goblin.

  “Highness?”

  “Go and send a group to the forge. Now!”

  “Yes highness!” the goblin yells out as he runs away.

  They better get there in time. I don’t even care where they come from. Just get to the forge before Cassandra figures out how to free Leo.

  I turn back to the battle in the forge. Leo is on the ground, stuck, and Cassandra is looking around, still as clothed as when she started this battle. Gerald managed to take out a goblin! He’s working a feverish battle against his last remaining opponent that isn’t wearing a red sash while Katie is still working on a pair of red sashed goblins. She is rather flexible in that tight, tight, leather outfit. I think she should be more restrictive in her actions. I’ve worn tight clothes like that earlier in life, really tight pants and a super tight top, and sitting down was an adventure. So was breathing. At least the guy I was wearing it for was…appreciative. Katie shouldn’t be that nimble, is what I’m saying.

  “Runes!” Cassandra yells.

  I’m not even mad. I knew she’d figure it out at some point. I’m just disappointed it didn’t take her longer.

  “What?” Leo asks.

  Yeah, the dumb fighter doesn’t know what that means Cassandra.

  “It’s how the wizard of this dungeon has you,” Cassandra says.

  She’s looking around…and she sees a couple. No! Leo isn’t done roasting…

  Cassandra casts a spell and my rune shatters.

  The floor shutters but it isn’t enough. Leo has his eyes closed. Is it the pain that is unbearable or the humiliation? Where are the goblins! He’s going to be free in a moment!

  There, in the doorway, the first goblin of the reinforcements has arrived. He has a spear, and the heroes are all occupied.

  This is your moment goblin. This is your chance to earn a red sash. Katie is off in the corner fighting, Cassandra has her back to you and Leo has other worries. Gerald is close by, but let’s be honest, he isn’t going to stop you. You can do this. I literally have their warrior by the balls! Stab him! Or Cassandra. I don’t really care! Just stab someone!

  The goblin sees the two, the warrior, his considerable endowments stuck and getting roasted, and the wizard, her back turned as she looks for more runes. The goblin starts to run, his spear ready before him. He’s going to do it! He’s going to kill one of the heroes! He…he slipped? On what? There was nothing there! He’s spinning in the air. How did he get airborne?

  He fell and…no. No, no, no! He impaled himself! He impaled himself! I….I…

  I place my face in my hands and shake my head. No words. I have no words.

  “Gerald!” Katie yells.

  Katie looks like she’s been knocked around a bit. She’s got a bruise on the side of her face, but one of the goblins she was fighting is bleeding in a heap on the ground.

  Gerald finally brains the goblin that has been engaged with in an epic duel. That’s what a lucky hit from a priest looks like. Gerald is moving to flank the goblin Katie is struggling with. The Safar siblings will make short work of that goblin…

  “Attack!” a goblin yells.

  More reinforcements are pouring in! All right! Oh…five? And none have that red sash adorning them? That is not ideal. But the heroes aren’t exactly in prime fighting strength. Maybe I can help out a bit. There is the fire. I can work with that. Let’s heat things up a bit more for you Leo. Can that rope of yours take the heat or will it burn? Let’s find out!

  I begin to cast, casting a spell to embolden the flames. I can see the light getting brighter, and brighter…

  “Hurry!” Leo calls out.

  His legs are scampering and he’s looking around. He’s scared and I don’t blame him. I would be scared too. If I was that close to a fire. And had a cock.

  “I can’t find it!” Cassandra calls out.

  “Look out!” Leo yells. Cassandra turns and sees three goblins coming towards her and Leo. She begins to cast and three ice shards fly out, but two miss. She’s still suffering from that headache that I gave her. Well, maybe these heroes aren’t as tough as I thought. I am just panicking over nothing.

  “What’s wrong with Leo?” Katie calls out. Gerald has turned around and is facing two more goblins on his own. That one with the red sash is once again all yours Katie.

  “He’s stuck,” Cassandra says.

  “Just yank him out!” Katie calls out.

  “No!” Leo responds instantly. “No!”

  “Quit being a baby!” Katie yells.

  “There will be no yanking!”

  Ha! That is undoubtedly the first time a man has ever said those words. I’m sure he could do with some yanking. He’s far too rigid.

  Cassandra casts another spell at the red sashed goblin that Katie is fighting. An ice spear flies out and she strikes him in the back. The goblin spins around. No! Don’t take your eyes off the rogue. Face the rogue. Face her you green mutated mutt! You stupid, stupid goblin.

  Yeah, Katie sees the opening. She guts the goblin like a pig. After a scream the goblin falls to the ground.

  That’s disheartening. Come on! The heroes are almost dead!

  The pair of goblins that Cassandra missed are on her now. She falls back trying to raise a defensive shield. The goblins wail on her, over and over. She is doing all she can to prevent the goblins from landing a serious blow. Maybe a little pillar of flame. How did that go? I think it was…like…this?

  The flames went out? No, no, no! Okay, I can reignite the flames…like…there! Leo grabbed one of the legs of the goblins? From the ground? I am roasting his chestnuts over a fire and he can still grab a goblin. The goblin is stabbing at Leo but not severely enough. Go for a vital part you stupid green bastard! The neck! The side! Something!

  Leo just drags the goblin to the ground and…snap! There goes his green little neck. At least Cassandra is…oh, Katie’s fucking returning water elemental killing dagger just killed the last goblin. Wonderful!

  I still have the fire. Okay, pillar attempt number two. I know what I did wrong. I cast the correct spell this time and…

  “Ahh!” Cassandra yells as fire leaps up between her legs. She scampers off the metal bits, her clothes still somehow miraculously holding her all in, as she races towards Gerald. Some baked clams to go with the roasted nuts?

  “Help!” Leo asks.

  Oh! I can cast a flame pillar on his pillar!

  Cassandra casts a spell as I finish. The flame pillar rises up and dissipates. How? No! She cast a water spell. She flooded the flames. They’re dying! I can’t reignite them through this scrying pool if she has the area wet. No! No! No! Damn it!

  “What’s wrong with Leo?” Gerald asks, ignoring the now limping Cassandra.

  “I’m stuck!”

  “There is a rune somewhere around here. We need to find it,” Cassandra says.

  “Like that one?” Katie asks.

  No way. She just causally points it out just like that? Bullshit! I demand justice for what is obviously bul
lshit!

  “I see it,” Cassandra says.

  Are there any more goblins coming? Please?

  Cassandra casts a spell and the floor turns back to normal.

  Leo races up, checking to make sure the boys are still attached. And they are, if maybe a little tender.

  “I can heal you,” Gerald says.

  Oh, this will be good. Cup Leo’s baby injector in your hands Gerald. Do it!

  “I would be much appreciated,” Leo winces. Gerald casts his healing magic and…touches his shoulder? No! Isn’t there a rule that you have to touch the injured part? There should be!

  “I think we all could use a bit of healing,” Katie says.

  They’re going to be back at full strength! It’s not fair! I had them! They were almost incapacitated! What happened?

  Well, now Gerald is going around, touching shoulders and healing every injury. No matter where they got burned. Because life isn’t fair. Well fuck you fate and fuck you Gerald and your goody godly healing magic!

  “Whatever we say,” Cassandra says, “the wizard can hear.”

  “Can she see us?” Leo asks.

  “Yes, she can see everything we do,” Cassandra says.

  I can, but don’t make it sound pervy Cassandra.

  “Great,” Gerald says as he looks around. What? Are you expecting to see my eyes floating somewhere? Scrying pools don’t work like that. Bad murder mysteries work like that, but not scrying pools.

  “Are you okay,” Katie asks Cassandra.

  “I blocked the wizard from scrying but it…the spell I cast was shattered and I’m having trouble recovering,” Cassandra says.

  “Is there anything…” Gerald begins to say.

  “You’ve spent enough resources so far,” Cassandra says. “I know the gods limit your power.”

  “But, if you are seriously injured…”

  “I’m not even sure you have a spell capable of aiding me. It will pass. And we are wasting time,” Cassandra says.

  No, go on. Keep wasting time. Apparently the goblins in the warrens desperately need their beauty sleep. Far be it for their queen to expect them to defend my fucking lair!