The Goblin Queen and the Sigil of Altazan (The League of Sinister Means Book 2)

by H. K. MacTavish

  On the golem. Fuck me! All the mana holding that golem together is surging through my scrying cauldron. Fuck! This is the golem’s fault for not killing the wizard like it was supposed to!

  I just need to sap more mana off the cauldron! Come on! It isn’t working. There’s too much mana! I can’t sap it all off in time. I can’t…it won’t…

  Shit!

  The cauldron explodes and I try to force all the metal pieces away from me using a spell reflexively that I usually use for arrows. I fall backwards, drenched in water as far more water that was in the cauldron comes spewing out. After a few seconds the water stops flying out.

  I…am…soaked! My clothes are sticking to me and it was cold water! Fucking nine hells! I hate wearing wet clothes! Fuck! I can’t stand losing! And I can’t stand wearing wet clothes!

  “I told you,” Gerald says.

  “Shut up!”

  “Golems share a tie with their summoner.”

  “I said shut up!”

  “All that energy had nowhere else to go,” Gerald says.

  I shake my sleeves in a futile attempt to get the heavy water out.

  “I will gut them for this!”

  “Why? You did this to yourself.”

  “No!”

  “It was your golem and your scrying cauldron.”

  Oh, I am going to make Gerald suffer for this if he doesn’t shut up!

  “This wasn’t my fault!”

  “This is all your fault. How does it feel to fall victim to your own machinations.”

  I get to my feet and walk over to him, dripping with water.

  “It was not my fault! This was that golem not killing Cassandra and Cassandra casting that disenchant! My goblins can take the rest of the blame for not being here to protect their queen! But me? I’m blameless!”

  “You don’t really see anything that you did to deserve this, do you?”

  “Me? Deserve this?”

  How did I do anything to deserve this? He’s a moron if he believes that.

  “You did this to yourself,” Gerald says.

  “I did not! This…” I say holding up my dripping sleeves. “This is just everyone conspiring against me!”

  “You look like you’re winning.”

  Oh, I want to carve that smug face off his skull! But no. No, I need Gerald as a hostage. He’s more valuable that way than as a corpse. I can’t threaten to kill a corpse! Argh!

  “This is not over!” I say pointing a finger at the priest. “This isn’t over!

  “You’re wet, your scrying is gone, and I know how much effort it takes to summon a golem. That was your last effort.”

  “Not my last effort. I am far from defeated!”

  “Are you though? How far away are my friends and Katie? They can’t be that far away. What do you have to defend yourself with? You’ll lose in a fight.”

  “I have many more tricks for those heroes!” I say.

  “Like what? Your goblins aren’t coming, your spells have been overcome…”

  I turn to look at the ruins of my cauldron. As I do my clothes stick to my legs, my chest…I can’t stand this feeling! I hate this! I don’t deserve any of this! The heroes are the ones invading me! I try to shake some of the excess water from my hands.

  “My spells have not all been overcome! I still have a horde of goblins underneath this lair!”

  I take a step to the altar and pause. My dress is sticking to my legs! This is annoying as fuck! I try to pull the fabric away from my legs as I walk but I just look silly.

  “How are you not burned?” Gerald asks.

  “You know so much about what just happened. Why would I be?” I ask.

  “Well, you got sprayed with boiling water,” Gerald says.

  “The water wasn’t boiling…”

  “No, I saw it,” Gerald says.

  “That was unstable mana reacting with the water,” I say.

  “So you are just wet. Are you feeling impotent? Maybe a shred of humiliation?”

  “I am feeling the urge to take out my wrath on your friends!”

  “How? You are blind now. You won’t cast anything at my friends or my sister until they are standing here before you. Wet, with very few goblins, and tired from all your spell casting attempts. My offer still stands. Fair trial for your surrender…”

  “I am not surrendering! I am still queen of this domain! This is still my lair! This is just a setback…” I say as I see the Sigil of Altazan that I drew on the floor is gone. It is just a blob of watered down red streaks. “I will punish the heroes for this!” I say through my teeth.

  “So what’s next? More demons? More rune traps? Create another scrying pool?” Gerald asks.

  “I haven’t decided yet,” I say.

  What do I do next? How do I get my fingers around Cassandra’s throat and strangle her?

  “I can give you the promise of a fair trial,” Gerald says. “That is better than many villains get.”

  “A fair trial? No. I will not face a trial before anyone! No one will presume to judge me!”

  “It will be fair. Anything that drove you to this will be taken into consideration.”

  “I’m sure it will. No one cares!” I say.

  “So there is something in your past.”

  “I’ll not talk about it with you.”

  “What happened?”

  I am not going to tell him what happened…

  “I was shown a long time ago that there is just power! You are a peasant or a queen. My sister and I, we decided to be queens! And I will not seek forgiveness because someone thinks we should have been peasants, subservient to someone else’s self created world.”

  “That is not what we will do,” Gerald says. “You have my word.”

  “Your word? And how will I get there? To the trial? I will not be paraded through town so a bunch of peasants can gawk and point and laugh at me! Me!”

  “It’s all but over,” Gerald says.

  “No, it isn’t!”

  “You’ve been defeated, you just aren’t in chains yet,” Gerald says.

  “I told you, this isn’t over yet.”

  “What else is there?” Gerald asks.

  What else is there Vivian? You can try and scry again if you gather up enough water from the floor, but what will that do? The heroes aren’t stopping and you aren’t delaying for the goblins to come up. They are in the deep deep and no scouts have returned from that place or from those that were sent after the peasant woman that escaped.

  Wait. That hole that the peasant woman escaped out of. If it connects to the warrens and whatever the shit this deep deep place is, then I can personally get to my goblins and lead them after the heroes! That’s what I’ll do!

  “My goblins, of course!”

  “That door is sealed,” Gerald says.

  “No. That is the main entrance. This fortress was built on the edge of an extensive cave system. Even I don’t know how deep it goes,” I say.

  “So you’re going to hide underground?”

  “I’m not hiding,” I say. “And I’m not going alone.”

  “You and your goblins?”

  I just look at him. He can’t be this dense.

  “Oh. I’m going too, aren’t I?”

  “You are clever for a priest,” I say.

  “Not clever enough to avoid capture,” Gerald says. “My own fault for not stepping into that room with the others. I split the party.”

  “I don’t care what grievances you have,” I say. I walk around and gather my things. I stick the components that I have for the Sigil of Altazan into a pocket and pile the books and scrolls onto the plate they were on before. I have Icy Reception thrust in my belt, just in case. Anything else? No?

  “It is time to go,” I say.

  “I look forward to the trip,” Gerald says.

  Egress

  If I have to leave I’m not going alone. Gerald is coming with me and whatever goblins I have left to me. How did it come to this?
I’m being forced from my home by four heroes. Why won’t anything work today? Nothing has worked! Fucking…nothing!

  I don’t know what I’m going to do to the goblins when this is over. I’m going to execute every tenth one. Decimation. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. They are to obey me! Their queen! Not do whatever the fuck they want! I shouldn’t have to leave! Why is this happening to me? Those heroes will get what’s coming to them.

  At least the heroes won’t have their healer. It will just be a long and slow chase for them. Plus I’ll have Gerald as a potential hostage! A handsome hostage at that.

  Who knows, maybe the heroes will take down that barrier they erected and head straight for the warrens. Without a healer that will not end well for them. They’ll either die or be forced to flee!

  I hate this cold and wet dress. It sticks to my legs when I walk and it is so uncomfortable! My underclothes are wet, everything is sticking to my skin! I can’t stand this! The heroes will suffer for doing this to me! Especially Cassandra; forcing the magic of the golem back to me. I’ll repay her for that! I’ll dunk her in water! Toss her in some shit crusted cage! I can picture her tears now. I can see her face, full of sorrow, regretting ever stepping foot into my lair. Maybe I’ll shave that head of hair of hers. She wouldn’t like that I bet. Ha! The look on her face, suffering humiliation after humiliation, that is what I crave to see.

  Some goblins are loitering near the front door to the temple. At least I won’t have to watch over Gerald on my own. What…what are they doing? By the gods! They’re throwing their boogers against the wall! Erugh! Gross!

  “Stop! Stop doing that!”

  “Sorry highness,” one of the goblins says.

  “I expect that cleaned up,” I say. The goblin that spoke nods and walks up to the wall…with his tongue out! No! Ugh, I’m going to vomit!

  “No! Stop!”

  “Highness said…”

  “Highness said to clean it later. Not now. And not with your tongue,” I say. “Get a rag and wash it off!”

  “Yes highness.”

  The thought of that slimy toad licking up his snot from the wall…erugh!

  “Now come along. And bring him,” I say pointing to Gerald.

  “I am flattered. Don’t you think you should travel light?” Gerald asks.

  “I am traveling light. And so are you.”

  “You don’t think that I’ll be too much baggage, do you?” Gerald asks.

  Does he think I’m a moron?

  “I’m not going to give you back to your friends. You can’t think I’m that stupid, do you?” I levitate the plate with the books and scrolls and bring it along with me.

  “I was rather hoping I would be too much for you to take,” Gerald says.

  “If you were I’d have them slit your throat,” I say pointing to my goblins. They look towards Gerald with their crude spears, ready to push him after me.

  “I am happy to bring myself along,” Gerald says.

  “Good. Now, let’s go to the cells,” I say.

  “Yes highness,” the goblins say. They bring Gerald along behind me at the tip of a spear while two goblins lead the way.

  I gaze to my right, down the long hall that leads to the library, my private rooms, and where the heroes are searching. They are not too far away. I’m not risking everything with a handful of goblins and one priest as a prisoner.

  I’m not running away. I’m not fleeing. I‘m repositioning for a better advantage. There is no disgrace in acting smart. I would be a fool to stay.

  “If you think of yelling, Katie will find your lifeless body,” I promise Gerald.

  “I’m as quiet as a mouse,” Gerald says.

  I turn to the left and keep going down the hall turning quickly to the right and down the stairs leading to the cells.

  There are some more goblins standing around down here which bolsters my number to something near a dozen, maybe a bit more. That is something at least. I am willing in my desperation to forgive and forget the fact that there are goblins just standing around guarding empty cells and not helping stop the heroes or helping to drag that peasant woman back to me.

  I turn the corner to the collapsed section and…where is that crack? Ah…there is the hole in the back wall. That is the one, right? It…it is skinnier than I remember. Did I really think this was a good idea? No. I can squeeze through that. If that peasant woman managed it so can I. And so can Gerald. He’s slender enough to fit

  “You four, through there and wait on the other side,” I say.

  “Yes highness,” they say and scurry through the other side.

  I take a step and my dress pulls because it is stuck to my thigh! Ugh! No. Don’t rip it. I pull it off my leg and it falls back, sticking to my leg once more. Oh, I am going to pay Cassandra back for this!

  “You!” I snap, pointing to Gerald.

  “Through that little hole?” he asks.

  “It won’t be the first time, will it?”

  “Funny,” Gerald says.

  I think it is and it made my mood just a hair lighter. That is what’s important here.

  “Get going,” I say, smiling.

  “I’m going,” Gerald says. He drops to his knees and then lies down on his belly. Reaching forward he begins to crawl. That amazing ass of his wiggling about…why did you have to be gay? The fates love toying with me. Here is a perfect specimen of a man and not only is this heavenly creature a hero, but a gay hero!

  That hole looks tight as Gerald’s rear passes through. Can he make it? I think he is going to get stuck. I think there is a bit of a groan I hear from him. Is he going to make it? There…there he continues to move. I think he’s going to get through.

  Yes. He’s made it.

  “Hold him on the other side!” I order.

  “Yes highness,” I hear echoing from the other side.

  “When I am through I want you to follow me,” I tell the other goblins.

  “Yes highness.”

  I’m not a twig of a woman, but Gerald can’t be that skinner than me. He’s a man and I’m a woman. He had meat in front of his pelvis that I don’t have. This will be easier for me. Right?

  Yes. I can make it through that. That peasant woman made it. Yeah…I can make my way through there, no problem. First, I’ll just slide my books through on the floating plate. There. Now I’ll move them to the side. Good. The path is clear.

  I hear a noise and I pause. Do the heroes hear me? They can’t be here! Not now! I peer around the corner and all sounds have stopped but I expect Katie to jump out and shove a dagger in my face.

  Nothing. Must have just been the structure settling. I need to take it easy. There is no need to jump at every shadow. Okay, time to slide through myself.

  I get down on my knees and then lay on my belly. Aww…what…what crap am I lying in? There is some solace in knowing that Gerald must have cleaned some of the heavy stuff from the ground when he went through, but still.

  What’s that moving?

  I almost scream but I don’t. Some big centipede just runs in front of me before turning to my left and is now heading for the cell. Oh, please, please, please, don’t crawl up my dress. Please. Now I can feel phantom centipedes crawling up my legs. I can’t take it!

  Calm down! It is just a bug. Okay. There is nothing up your dress. You are fine. Deep breath. By the gods I hate bugs. I’ll just begin crawling through. On my belly.

  This is disgusting and demeaning! Having to escape by crawling through this hole like this! If the heroes caught me now, trying to escape like this, I think I would die from embarrassment. Still, I don’t want to tackle the heroes just now and losing my dignity is better than my life or my freedom.

  I reach forward, my arms reaching through first. I pull forward. Wow. This is real tight. It’s okay, my head is in the hole and I want to panic but I’m better than that! I just need to push through this. There. My head is clear and I can look around again.

  I continue to crawl through t
he dirt and dust. Getting my shoulders past is good. My bosom is next. Dragging them on the ground like this…no, don’t think about it. Good. Now for my hips. I…wait. Why can’t I move forward? Am I stuck? I’m not that big, come on!

  No. I’m not stuck. It is just a little tight is all. Nothing to worry about. I have plenty of room! I’m just…ugh…moving really slowly.

  Carefully; that is how that peasant did this. It is tight but not impossible. And I was worried. See? It’s all good. I really came make it! I…I…no. No, no, shit! No, no, no. I’ve stopped moving. Come on! Ugh! Come! On! Fucking nine hells!

  “Are you stuck?” Gerald asks.

  Yes.

  “No!” I say. “I don’t want to rip my dress. I’m just being cautious.”

  “It looks really tight,” Gerald says.

  “It isn’t!” I snap. “I’m being cautious!”

  Didn’t he hear me give my reason for not moving?

  “Okay,” Gerald says. He’s smiling. I know he is smiling. He’s enjoying seeing me stuck! How dare he take pleasure at my misfortune!

  I scrape my feet against the ground as I try to pull myself forward. My butt is not that big! Come on! I shouldn’t be stuck! I’m the same size as that woman! I should have taken my dress off. That would have made this easier I bet.

  “Highness needs help?” a goblin asks.

  “No, highness does not need help!” I say.

  Highness just needs to stop eating dessert and get a bit more exercise. I reach back, feeling around the hole that I’m stuck in and see if I can feel the problem out. What am I stuck on? I am feeling around my butt and it is wedged in the hole pretty solidly, giving me my answer. That’s just fantastic.

  I try to shift a little to the left and right. Anything to free myself. I don’t need a lot of space. I don’t even need an inch. Just, the width of a couple of pieces of paper. I pull forward a bit…I think it is giving! I’m getting loose!

  Wait! I pause and feel around my dress. If it rips now I’ll have to walk around with the goblins and Gerald staring at my undergarments. Unless those rip with my dress too because that is the kind of day I’ve been having. Then I’ll wish they could only see my undergarments. If only the heroes would show up now and see my ass stuck in the wall, my feet kicking away, then this day would be complete!