The Goblin Queen and the Sigil of Altazan (The League of Sinister Means Book 2)

by H. K. MacTavish

With no way out of here aside from the single door this place can be defended against from heroes and snakes. I can use this tall judge’s bench as cover since it is like a small stone wall. From here I can control the whole room. And then, with the heroes defeated I can work on casting my Sigil of Altazan! I just need two people…

  What if…what if Gerald still qualifies? I know he has had sex but what if gay sex doesn’t count? Maybe someone needs to have sex with someone of the opposite gender. I should test him, to be sure.

  “There is something I have to do before I light this place up,” I say to Gerald. I walk over to a wall and after finding a dwarven blade on the ground I start to carve a large rune onto the wall.

  “What are you doing?” Gerald asks.

  “Testing you,” I say.

  “Testing me? Don’t you trust me?”

  “Oh, it isn’t a test like that,” I say.

  “What…what kind of test is it?”

  “One I should have cast one you a while ago.”

  “What will happen?”

  “I will either be very happy or very disappointed.”

  Once I am finished carving the rune on the one wall I walk over to the far wall and carve the same rune into that wall. Gerald watches me as I try and carve with an ancient dwarven sword, which is harder than one may think.

  There. Finished. I say some words and I start to glow a deep red. Because, well, obviously I’ve had sex. I step back and beckon Gerald to step forward.

  “What does red mean?”

  “I’ve had a good life. Let’s see if you are white or red,” I say. Gerald is cautious but since he saw me stand between the runes he trusts that I won’t do anything to harm him. And he is right. I do enjoy his company. But he’s a hero. No, I should be saying he is a valuable hostage. Yes. I’ll say that.

  Gerald steps in between the runes and…

  “Fucking nine hells!”

  He’s glowing red.

  “What does red mean?”

  “It means sex is sex, apparently,” I say.

  “Yeah, I’ve had sex with men,” Gerald says. “Hold on. Hold on. You grabbed those two peasants because they were virgins? You need to sacrifice virgins?”

  “I don’t need to sacrifice virgins! Although putting them out of their misery might be a kindness. No. I need their blood. And it has to be fresh.”

  “So, you need fresh virgin blood…”

  “Sentient,” I say. I turn to the goblins. “Really sentient.”

  “But I told you I’ve had sex.”

  “Yes, but not real sex. I mean, normal sex. Obviously the sex you had must have been real, but I needed to see if the gods above mean a virgin of a man and a woman having sex or not.”

  “Normal sex?” Gerald asks.

  Oh, what the…is he offended by that too? Gods above, I have to walk so delicately around priests, don’t I? I should make up for the jokes I made earlier and explain that I don’t hold anything about him.

  “Yes, normal, penis and vagina sex.”

  “But I glowed red. So I guess that the gods see the sex I’ve had as normal sex.”

  “Fine, yes, you have normal sex for you,” I say.

  He is a twitchy man when it comes to sex, isn’t he?

  “Since that is as close to an apology as I think I’m going to get…”

  Apology? That wasn’t…why does heroes think everyone apologizes for everything!

  “I’m not apologizing. I have nothing to apologize for.”

  “Of course not,” Gerald says.

  Was that a sigh?

  “I don’t have anything to apologize for because I’ve done nothing wrong!”

  How is that not obvious?

  “Look. I’m not making jokes anymore. Although I could! But I’m not!”

  See? I’m being nice Gerald.

  “I’m sure you could,” Gerald says. “But someone afflicted like me, I’m just not normal I guess.”

  I’m trying to be nice to him! Why is he acting like this? Can’t he see that I’m trying to make up for earlier? Maybe if I explain it to him.

  “I can see that you’re offended by the whole normal, not normal, sex thing, aren’t you?”

  “Wouldn’t you be?”

  Not if I was gay! Okay, let me explain…

  “If I had sex with a woman...that would be, you know, not normal.”

  “Who determines what is normal?”

  “Everyone else? Just because you are abnormal doesn’t mean I hate you for being, you know…”

  “Gay?”

  “Yes! That. See? I accept you for being abnormal. Why are you so twitchy on this?”

  “You know, I don’t really know,” Gerald says. “I will take your acceptance as I think it is the best I am going to see.”

  “Good,” I say.

  “Good,” Gerald says.

  I think he is still upset. Why is he upset? I don’t understand. Should I try and explain further? It seems he thinks I don’t accept him. That I hate him for being gay. Which I don’t! I know I made jokes earlier and…argh! Why can’t he understand?

  “I…”

  No. Just…just leave it Vivian.

  “What?” Gerald asks.

  “Nothing. I just don’t understand. And that’s fine. Really.”

  “You don’t understand why I would be upset at being called abnormal?”

  “There is nothing wrong with being abnormal,” I say. There’s that look again! “I’ll leave it alone. You seem to have issues about it.”

  “Good,” Gerald says.

  “Good,” I say, once again.

  He is looking at me. What is going on in that head of his? He has this inquisitive look in his eye. What?

  “What happened to you?” he asks.

  Is he trying to get me to talk about my past? That isn’t going to happen. I’ll just deflect.

  “What hasn’t happened to me?”

  “So how are you going to find more virgins?” he asks. That’s right, let’s stay in the present, nosy priest.

  “Spells and scrying. It takes a lot of effort to track down adult virgins.”

  “What if there aren’t any more out there?”

  What? Stop living in a fantasy world Gerald. Seriously.

  “There has to be more sentient adults who have never had sex before. I was really hoping you could be one,” I say.

  “Sorry to disappoint you.”

  “Oh, that is all right. It isn’t your fault. You had no idea I would need your virgin blood when you lost your virginity.”

  I think he sighed again. What? Maybe he is just tired. I’ll just focus on taking out the heroes.

  I could use Icy Reception on the heroes. In a tight area like this I could cause a lot of havoc on the heroes. There was a reason I hated casting Icy Reception. What was it? Oh well. I’m sure it isn’t that important if I can’t remember it.

  A Final Glimpse

  Before I do anything I need to see some things. Where are the heroes? Where are my goblins? I walk over to one of the tables, sit down in one of the chairs and set out my bowl before me.

  “Gerald, if you would please?” I ask. He smiles, casts some water, and sits down beside me. That smile, is he happy to aid me? I am glad it was Gerald that I decided to kidnap. I can’t imagine what it would have been like with Cassandra or Katie. Or Leo! He sounds so full of himself with his talk of quests and saving people.

  Let’s see where my goblins are. I cast my magic and an image forms in the water. I try and focus on the goblin with the red sash that I sent off to find my warrens. There! I can see him. And he is alive! Where is he? What is that weird wall behind him? It doesn’t look like part of the dwarf city. Is that just a natural rock formation? I can’t focus...it is too far away to see clearly.

  Wait. Could it be the warrens? Are those goblins I see moving about in the background? He made it to the warrens? Oh, finally! I can’t make out what he is saying. It sounds like they are coming to my aid. At last! Come to y
our queen! Come to me!

  Gerald is looking at the image. I’ll show him the warrens. I concentrate and try to show a large group of goblins near that goblin I sent back. There! Gaze into that Gerald!

  “All of those goblins…” Gerald says.

  He’s impressed!

  “I told you I had an army.”

  “Will they reach here before my friends?” Gerald asks.

  “They had better. In fact...you two,” I say, turning around and pointing to two goblins…who are peeing on the wall! By the gods…I’ve told them no! Not around me! “No! Stop! I told you, don’t pee where I live and work. What have I said?”

  “No, no, pee pee,” one says.

  Close enough.

  “That’s right. Now, what shall I do with you?” I ask. They look nervous. I need to send them out anyway. I might as well twist this into a learning experience for them. “As punishment, I want you both to go to the goblins in the deep deep. Tell them where I am. And if I am not here, if the heroes capture me, I want you to free me. You understand me?”

  “Yes highness,” one says.

  “Rescue the queen,” the other says.

  Damn right you will.

  “Well? Off with you,” I say. They scamper off.

  “You’ll destroy the village to secure your freedom?” Gerald asks.

  That is a silly question.

  “Um…yes. Why wouldn’t I?” I ask.

  “All those innocent lives…”

  “They aren’t innocent if they have me in chains, are they?” I ask. “They should know better than to try and judge me.”

  Gerald sighs again. He just doesn’t understand, does he? I am powerful and therefor am deserving of a…particular place in life. The peasants are peasants. They are deserving of mud and shit. And not keeping someone like me as their prisoner to gloat over! Everyone has a place. And mine is at the top. Something I intend on making those heroes understand.

  Oh! The heroes. I should find out where they are.

  “Let me see where your friends are,” I say. I know it will hurt Gerald if any of them are dead, but it would make me happy. I’ll find some way to console Gerald.

  I wave my hand over the bowl once more. The image fades from the goblins while Leo, Cassandra, and Katie appear. And they are still alive because fuck my luck.

  “…this way,” Katie says as she walks down a street.

  A street? They found their way into the city? Oh fucking nine hells!

  “I don’t like this,” Cassandra says.

  Yes. I don’t like this either. At least you’ve managed to keep your strips of cloth intact Cassandra. I guess miracles are possible.

  “Gerald has to be down this way,” Katie says.

  “She seems determined,” I say.

  “My sister won’t give up on me,” Gerald says.

  “But where?” Cassandra asks.

  “Are you giving up on my brother?”

  “I’m not giving up. I’m just saying I need to rest. We all need to rest,” Cassandra says. “The Goblin Queen is mortal. She and Gerald need to eat. They need to sleep and so do we.”

  Leo has more scratches on him while Cassandra has her hair is an even worse sight than the last time I saw her. That’s apparently how you can tell that Cassandra has been beat up on. She is covered in small patches of dirt too. Meanwhile Leo is the one who looks like he walked through a bladed wall trap about a hundred times. And Katie? She’s the same. Can she even be hit or does everything just bounce off all that super tight leather she’s wearing?

  “What was that?” Leo asks. He points his large sword into an open doorway. “There!”

  Snakes! Eat them! Eat them!

  “I don’t see anything,” Katie says.

  “Gerald?” Cassandra asks.

  “I’m here!” Gerald says.

  I sigh.

  “She still can’t hear you,” I say.

  “It makes me feel better,” Gerald says.

  But it doesn’t do anything! Heroes and their endless supply of hope.

  “Gerald?” Katie calls out. “Are you in there?”

  Obviously that isn’t Gerald in that room. It is just one of those snakes waiting to lunge out. But the heroes aren’t stepping any closer to that doorway.

  “It isn’t him Katie,” Cassandra says.

  “Let me check,” Katie says.

  “And get ambushed by whatever is in there?” Leo asks. “We’ve heard the same sounds earlier.”

  “I know. Still, I’ll be quick,” Katie says as she darts to the open doorway.

  “Katie! No!” Gerald yells.

  Katie, obviously ignorant of what her brother is yelling, runs to the door and peers in. She then turns around and walks back out quickly. No snake attacks her. Why? Eat the rogue!

  “Just bones,” Katie says. “We could look further…”

  “We don’t have time,” Cassandra says. “This place could have hundreds of buildings. If we check every one because some rock fell nearby we will never find Gerald.”

  Alive you mean.

  “They think I’m going to kill you,” I say.

  “You are a villain,” Gerald says.

  I am.

  The heroes turn around and continue to walk on down the road.

  The buildings around them don’t look familiar. Not that I would be able to pick out a lot of the buildings in my brief time in this city. I know that they are not in the outskirts with all of the buildings in the same style. So they are closer to me than I would like them to be. They could be right around the corner.

  More noise draws their attention to their right.

  “We are not alone,” Leo says as he looks around.

  Someone has decided to spot the obvious.

  “Goblins?” Cassandra asks.

  A good guess, but no; flesh eating snakes put there by deep elves to wipe out a city of dwarves centuries ago. But I’m guessing they won’t come to that conclusion just yet.

  “Probably,” Katie says. “Should we call out for Gerald?”

  “We need to remain hidden as long as possible,” Leo says.

  “She can scry us,” Katie says. “Right?” She turns to Cassandra.

  “With a reflective surface. She might,” Cassandra says.

  “So she knows we’re coming,” Katie says.

  Yup.

  “What if…” Leo begins.

  “I don’t want to hear what if. I’m tired of listening to what if. What if the Goblin Queen and Gerald drowned in that river? What if the Goblin Queen killed Gerald? What if something else killed them both? These are deep tunnels we’ve found here. They could go to ancient empires and who knows what unearthly evils. I’m not going to give up! If there is a chance that Gerald might be alive, I will look for him until my dying breath!”

  I can make your wish come true Katie.

  “We will find and punish this Goblin Queen, but we need to be careful. We are tired, hungry, low on supplies,” Leo says as he turns to Cassandra who is about to say something. “And I do not care if she is listening or not.”

  “We’ve had our luck with us this whole time,” Cassandra says.

  “But Gerald was taken...” Katie says.

  “And look at what luck it was that Leo found that rope. Without that we would never have made it to this city,” Cassandra says.

  What? What rope...from my supply closet? That let them enter this city? What? How? Fucking nine hells! Common rope saved them? Bullshit!

  “Yeah. I suppose...” Katie says.

  “Her goblins fell easily enough. She’s been on the run. She is fleeing from us. She fears us,” Cassandra says.

  Only because you don’t know how to die! I took your healer! You should be dead! Or at least crippled...or…something!

  “You are afraid of them, aren’t you?” Gerald asks.

  “I am not!”

  “Then why are your hands clenched in fists?”

  Fuck! They are. I hadn’t noticed! Now he thinks I’
m scared of three heroes marching towards me at an impossible and unstoppable pace!

  I am scared! I’m scared that I’m going to be dragged back, a prisoner! Me! My heart is shaking at the thought of me being a prize for those insipid heroes! Having to turn to every face, gloating at me, laughing at me. Their triumphant glances, their condescending gestures. Having to obey their every command! May I have something to drink? Am I allowed to pee? Laughing at the hole in my dress. Being made a source or perpetual laughter for their amusement because I refuse to be some pathetic peasant! I am Vivian! The Goblin Queen! I rule this kingdom, but I’ll be in chains, in some muddy cell while they judge me! Judge me!

  I toss the bowl of water away from me in a rage!

  “I am not afraid of them!” I say. Well, I yell it.

  “It’s okay,” Gerald says. “It’s okay to be scared.”

  Shit he looks scared. How pissed do I look? I need to calm down.

  “The heroes…your sister and your friends…they will be here soon. They are closer than I would have liked and I’m not certain my goblins will be here in time. I will have to contend with the handful, the literal handful of goblins that I have.”

  What do I have? Three? Four? Does it matter? None have a red sash. They will just eat an attack from the heroes giving me maybe an extra five seconds of freedom. This isn’t fair! It isn’t supposed to end like this! My forces, whittled away by a group of heroes!

  It isn’t over yet. I’ll put up a fight! I have Icy Reception. I took out a patrol of the Bergermeister’s men with it years ago in Verkinstock.

  Ah, my Ice Queen days. I take out my scroll from my belt and look it over. The memories of casting this spell are crawling out of my mind. I’m remembering the words, the gestures…

  “What spell is that?”

  “How do you know it is a spell?” I ask.

  “Please. It’s a rolled up piece of parchment that you are carrying with you that you obviously have protected. Otherwise it would have been ruined when we took our swim.”

  “Yes. Well. This is my Icy Reception spell,” I say.

  “Icy Reception?”

  “I made it myself. With my sister’s help.”

  “You were both ice wizards?”

  “We wanted to be. The two of us loved to hear stories of the Ice Queen of the Northern Wastes. We pretended we were both Ice Queens ourselves when we were children. When we started to learn magic we both knew what we wanted to be! Ice Queens! Just like that famous villain!”