The Little Red Book of Very Dirty Words
Page 2
Oh, great, an 80-year-old, grouchy, pretentious, smoking hot biddy!
smoking hot biddy!
—Scrubs
biff, n.
vagina; British
I think the bird who sits opposite me in maths is well up for it—she’s always flashing me her biff.
I think the chick who sits across from me in math class wants my dick badly—she’s always flashing me her pussy.
the bill, n.
the man, the police; British
I was pulled over by the bill last night for speeding and fuzzy dice.
I got stopped by the police last night for speeding and fuzzy dice.
bimbo, n.
a stupid woman or man; American
He got that bimbo to go home with him because he proved to her he was a doctor by showing her his toy stethoscope.
. . . I’m not gonna parade around in a swimsuit like some airhead bimbo that goes by the name Gracie Lou Freebush and all she wants is world peace . . .
—Miss Congeniality
bingo wings, n.
flabby upper arms; British
Look at the bingo wings on Grandma!
Look at the flabby arms on Grandma!
birdbrain, n.
birdbrain, stupid man or woman; American
I bet even Steven could score with that birdbrain over there.
They’re already making a movie about Paris Hilton being in jail.
I believe they’re calling it
The Bird Brain of Alcatraz.
—David Letterman
a bit of crumpet, n.
a woman who is good enough to eat (sexual sense); British
Tess is a bit of crumpet, and I would start with her arse.
Tess is the kind of girl I would eat out, and I would start with her ass.
a bit on the side, n.
affair; American
She knew he had a bit on the side when she came home early and found him screwing her Pilates instructor.
bitch, n.
a whiny woman or man; a person who is whipped into to doing whatever his or her partner tells him or her to do; American
He’s such a little bitch that when his girlfriend orders him to pick up her dog’s shit, he actually does it.
Sometimes you have to be a
high-riding bitch
to survive. Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold onto.
—Dolores Claiborne
the bizzies, n.
the police; British
The bizzies have a lot of work to do in Liverpool ‘cause half the city are thieves.
The police have a lot of work to do in Liverpool ‘cause half the city are thieves.
bladdered, adj.
drunk, wasted; British
The groomsmen were completely bladdered on the wedding day after a wild night of debauchery that would make Hunter S. Thompson proud.
The groomsmen were completely wasted on the wedding day after a wild night of debauchery that would make Hunter S. Thompson proud.
blast, n.
mouthful of smoke; British
Stop bogarting that roach and give me a blast of it.
Stop bogarting that roach and let me get a toke.
blaze, v.
to smoke marijuana; British
Let’s skive chemistry and blaze up behind the bike shed.
Let’s cut chemistry and smoke some weed behind the bike shed.
blinding, adj.
fantastic; British
I went to see Radiohead last night. They were fucking blinding.
I went to see Radiohead last night. They were fucking fantastic.
bloody, adj.
damn; British
Get your bloody hands off me!
Get your damn hands off me!
DERIVATION: The word bloody is a very offensive term in England, where its derivation is still being debated. Some say it comes from a derogatory form of “blue-blood,” used by commoners to put down aristocrats. Others insist that it refers to menstrual blood. Another theory is that the term is a sacrilegious variation of “God’s Blood” or “By Our Lady.”
Life is to be lived. If you have to support yourself, you had
bloody well better find
some way that is going to be interesting. And you don’t do that by sitting around.
—Katharine Hepburn
bloody vaginal belch, n.
a rarely seen phenomenon in which a woman on her period expels air from her vagina with enough force to be likened to a wet burp; American
We were in bed, and she let loose a bloody vaginal belch that may have been the most hellacious sound ever heard.
blow a load, v.
to ejaculate; American
When I blew my load on her face and didn’t warn her, she kicked me in the balls.
blowjob, n.
a sexual act where a man receives oral sex; American
She was so high last night that when she gave him a blowjob at the party, she volunteered to swallow.
blue balls, n.
soreness of the scrotum caused from a long period without an orgasm; American
My wife has been holding out on sex for weeks; my blue balls may never go away.
blumpkin, n.
an act where a man receives a blowjob while taking a shit; American
She was so shit-faced I got her to give me a blumpkin. Then she threw up in my lap.
boff, v.
to fart; British
Brussels sprouts make me boff.
Brussel sprouts make me fart.
DERIVATION: Boff can also mean to have sex, so maybe Brussel sprouts put you in the mood for that too.
I thought Boff
was the name of a locale . . .
you know the name of a district.
—Fawlty Towers
bogging, adj.
disgusting, smelly; Scottish
Get your bogging bollocks out of my face!
Get your smelly balls out of my face!
boiler, n.
dog; British
Ask Prudence out? Not a chance; she hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down. She’s a proper boiler.
Ask Prudence out? Not a chance; she was hit with the ugly stick. She’s a real dog.
bollocks, n.
bullshit; lit. testicles; British
Bollocks! There’s no way she’ll let you have sex with her after you forgot to feed her cat while she was away.
Bullshit! There’s no way she’ll let you have sex with her after you forgot to feed her cat while she was away.
DERIVATION: The Anglo-Saxon word bollocks meaning testicles comes from the Teutonic word ball, meaning “to swell.” By the seventeenth century, it was also used to describe priests delivering silly sermons—hence its current usage for “nonsense.”
OBSCENITY CHARGES
In 1977, the Sex Pistols produced an album titled Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols. The punk rockers were later taken to court on obscenity charges—but thanks to acclaimed linguistics professor James Kingsley, the charges were dismissed. Kingsley convinced the court that the word bollocks could also refer to the clergy—and to silliness itself. And the Sex Pistols are nothing if not silly.
bollock someone, v.
to tell someone off; British
My boyfriend bollocked me for staying out all night.
My boyfriend told me off for staying out all night.
bone, v.
to fuck someone; American
I want to bone that chick but I’m afraid my penis might fall off from all of her STDs.
You know, that last drill we had, I was about to finally bone my girlfriend,
bone my girlfriend,
and then we heard that there was this drill, and she told me there was no way.
—The Family Guy
boner, n.
hard-on; American
His boner is tremendous, but I always get this awful feeling it’s like fak
e tits because he uses Viagra.
Just imagine if girls weren’t weirded out by our boners and stuff,
by our boners and stuff,
and just like wanted to see them.and just like wanted to see them.
That’s the world I one day want to live in.
—Superbad
boob tube, n.
tube top; British
No offense, but your sister shouldn’t wear a boob tube until she loses a stone.
No offense, but your sister shouldn’t wear a tube top until she loses fifteen pounds.
DERIVATION: “Boob tube” also means television in America, so one could say, “If she didn’t spend so much time in front of the boob tube, she would be able to fit into her boob tube.”
booty call, n.
a call at night with the explicit intent of having sex; American
Tiffany was always good for a booty call, but the logistics grew more difficult after she got married.
That’s what a girl wants to hear:‘Darling, do all the weird crap you like, just don’t be late for
the booty call.’
—Veronica Mars
booze-whore, n.
a slut who uses a guy to pay for her drink(s) then leaves him with nothing but the bill; American
That booze-whore tried to steal my drink right out of my hand, but I pulled the shot glass away just in time to gulp the whiskey down myself.
Brad, n.
shit, British
Pull the car over mate; I’ve got to take a Brad.
Pull the car over dude; I’ve got to take a shit.
brain nuts, n.
coined by former Daily Show correspondent Rob Riggle, this is the term for removing the cerebral cortex that controls fear and reason and replacing it with an extra set of testicles; masculinity; American
Those dudes on Jackass have some serious brain nuts . . . also, they must be on a lot of drugs.
breasts, n.
mammary glands of a woman; American
Nothing can bring a man to his knees faster than a beautiful pair of breasts.
SYNONYMS OF BREASTS:
appetizers
assets
attention getters
baby feeders
babaloos
bad boys
ball sack rest
rack
balloons
bangers
bazongas
bazookas
bee stings
Berthas
biscuits
bombs
bongos
boobies
boobs
boobsters
bosom
boulders
bouncers
bottle rockets
bra stuffers
breasticles
brown eyes
bubbles
bull’s-eyes
bumpers
bust
butter bags
cans
cantaloupes
Charleys
chest
chesticles
chitty chitty bang bangs
cleavage
coconuts
cupcakes
desk pillows
dirty pillows
dumplings
eye candy
flapdoodles
flotation devices
Fred and Ethel
fun bags
the girls
glands
globes
golden orbs
gonzos
grillwork
gunzagas
hand warmers
hangers
head rests
headlights
heffers
high beams
hills
hogans
honkers
hood ornaments
hooters
hot dog buns
hummers
humps
itty bitty titties
Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee
jiggly puffs
jobbers
jolly jigglers
jolly jugs o’ joy
jugs
kaboobers
knobs
knockers
lactoids
the ladies
lemons
lungs
luscious fruits
mammaries
mammies
man pacifiers
mangos
meat puppets
melons
milk bags
milk duds
milk jugs
milk makers
milk wagons
milkers
milkshakes
moo moos
mosquito bites
mounds
mountains
muffins
nipple sporters
nodules
norks
nose warmers
the objects of my
erection
pancakes
paper weights
pears
pillows
puppies
queen of the navigational beacons
rack
rib bumpers
rib cushion
sandbags
scoops
snuggle pups
speed balls
speed bumps
sugar lumps
sweater cows
sweater kittens
sweater meat
sweater muppets
ta tas
teats
tee tees
Thelma and Louise
tits
torpedoes
Tweedledum and Tweedledee
tweeters
twin peaks
the twins
udders
water balloons
watermelons
wet tea bags
who let the dogs out
Wilsons
window washers
wobblesteaks
ying-yangs
Zeppelins
Bristols, n.
tits, British
Do you see that fit bird’s Bristols? Fantastic!
Do you see that biddy’s tits? Fantastic!
bromance, n.
platonic love between two men; American
Sometimes Shelley thinks her boyfriend and his best friend Chuck have more than a bromance because they finish each other’s sentences. As long as that’s all they finish.
brown eye, n.
an anus, asshole; American
George was an anal freak; as soon as she touched his brown eye, he cried like a baby.
bullshit, n.
nonsense or an obvious lie; American
Most politicians have campaign promises that are bullshit, so don’t expect that tax break to pay for all of your sex dolls.
Love is bullshit.
Emotion is bullshit.
I am a rock. A jerk.
I’m an uncaring asshole and proud of it.
—Chuck Palahniuk
bum chum, n.
gay friend or lover; British
Tell me that bloke in the pink sweater isn’t your bum chum!
Tell me that guy in the pink sweater isn’t your gay lover!
bump uglies, v.
to have sex; American
If I fail in my attempt to bump uglies with that pocket nymph over there, I’ll probably instead just choke my chicken to Japanese porn.
Did you bump uglies with my sister?
—Tango and Cash
bust a nut, v.
to ejaculate; American
She’s so hot that I would bust a nut if she just looked at me . . . uh oh . . . did she just make eye contact?
butch lesbian, n.
a lesbian who looks like a man; American
I thought that babe was straight until I saw her lock lips with a butch lesbian.
butt
buttocks; American
She had a butt you could serve tea on—an
d a Southern accent to match.
DERIVATION: Old English gives us the word buttuc, meaning ridge—as in the end of a piece of land. Which is what your butt is—the end of your personal landscape, for better or worse.
I could make the whole of Manhattan disappear into
[Jennifer Lopez’s] amazing butt.
—David Copperfield
butt pirate, n.
a man who takes pleasure in looting another man’s booty; a gay guy; American
Make sure he’s not a butt pirate or you’ll be wasting your time, Marge.
Seymore Butts directed the acclaimed (in certain circles) 2005 film Butt Pirates of the Caribbean.
C
cack, n.
shit; Irish
What a load of cack! Why would she ever want something put in that orifice?
What a load of shit! Why would she ever want something put in that orifice?
camel toe, n.
when a girl’s tight pants go into her vagina and reveal the camel-toe-like shape of her labia; American
Wardrobe Rule #1: The tighter the jeans, the more pronounced the camel toe.
Yeah chicks go nuts for that . . .
the male camel toe.
—Superbad
candy apples, n.
a great ass; American
I could bounce a quarter off that chick’s candy apples.
casting couch, n.
any piece of furniture on which a man of power seduces a woman with promises of advancement; American
The photographer brought the model back to his studio and, after he promised to make her famous, she slept with him on the casting couch. She should have made him take the pictures first.
caught short, v.
to have to go (pee); British
I was caught short so I popped into the loo at the pub.
I had to pee so I used the bathroom at the bar.
charty, adj.
disgusting, gross; Scottish
I’d snog you, but your breath is absolutely charty.
I’d kiss you, but your breath is absolutely disgusting.
chav
ghetto (white) trash; wigger; from the Romany word chavi; British
The council house across the street is full of chavs.
The projects across the street is filled with ghetto trash.
cheeky, adj.
smart-ass; British
Wipe that cheeky grin off your face and make me a sandwich!
Wipe that smart-ass look off your face and make me a sandwich!