The Little Red Book of Very Dirty Words

by Alexis Munier

  cheesed off, v.

  pissed off; British

  There’s no reason to be cheesed off with me just because you caught me yanking my hard-on to your mom’s picture.

  There’s no reason to get pissed off at me just because you caught me masturbating to your mom’s picture.

  chili dog, n.

  the act of a man defecating on a woman’s breasts then tit fucking her, with his penis as the hot dog, the crap as the chili, and the breasts as the buns; American

  Pierre once lived next to a neighbor who was into chili dog and proud of it; Pierre subsequently moved as soon as he could.

  chinless wonder, n.

  snobby, rich man; British

  Look at that Porsche . . . no doubt driven by some chinless wonder.

  Look at that Porsche . . . no doubt driven by some rich snob.

  choke the chicken, v.

  to jerk off; American

  Bill was choking the chicken when his mother came home, so he hid in the pantry to finish up. It was a long night.

  You choke the chicken

  before any big date, don’t you?

  —There’s Something About Mary

  circle jerk, n.

  a group of men who stand in a circle and either jerk each other off or masturbate; American

  Stephan dropped by a friend’s house with the understanding that there would be a circle jerk at his house, but when he got there, it was a baby shower instead. He should have kept his pants on.

  the City, n.

  Wall Street; British

  My uncle is a hotshot banker in the City by day and an aspiring porn star by night. Same difference.

  My uncle is a hotshot banker on Wall Street by day and an aspiring porn star by night. Same difference.

  clever dick, n.

  obnoxious know-it-all; British

  When you interrupt my story with what happens at the end, you’re being a bloody clever dick.

  When you interrupt my story with what happens at the end, you’re being a fucking obnoxious know-it-all.

  DICK

  The thirty-seventh president of the United States, Richard Millhouse Nixon, was such a clever dick that his nickname was Tricky Dick.

  clit, n.

  short for the clitoris; extremely sensitive area of a woman’s vagina that can be sexually stimulated; American

  By the time, I found her clit, I was so drunk and exhausted I passed out right there.

  DERIVATION: The clitoris goes by many names, but the clit word itself comes from the ancient Greek kleitoris, which translates as “the man with the key.” This surprisingly playful and perceptive derivation suggests that Greek women are happier than most.

  WHO DISCOVERED THE CLIT?

  Impossible as it may seem, men have been arguing over who discovered the clitoris for hundreds of years. The Italian physician Matteo Renaldo Columbo claimed his discovery of the “seat of a woman’s delight” in 1559; his rival anatomist Gabriele Fallopius (yes, that Fallopius) protested this assertion, insisting that it was indeed he who had discovered the clitoris. Some 100 years later, the Danish scientist Kaspar Bartolin debunked both men’s claims, pointing out references to the clit that dated back to the second century. Of course, every woman knows that if anyone discovered the clit, it was Eve in the Garden of Eden.

  All of my piercings, sixteen places on my body, all of them done with a needle. Five in each ear, one through the nipple on my left breast, one through my right nostril, one through my left eyebrow, one in my lip, one in my clit . . .

  one in my clit . . .

  and I wear a stud in my tongue.

  —Pulp Fiction

  clot, n.

  moron; British

  The dickey-wearing Loren seemed sophisticated at first, but as soon as he opened his mouth, it was clear he was a clot.

  The dickey-wearing Loren seemed sophisticated at first, but as soon as he opened his mouth, it was clear he was a moron.

  cluster fuck, n.

  chaos created by a group of incompetents; American

  Every C-level management meeting is a cluster fuck.

  DERIVATION: Also known as Charlie Foxtrot, a cluster fuck is a military term used to describe disastrous situations caused by too many inept commanding officers. The cluster refers to the oak-leaf shaped insignia worn by the brass.

  Well then, stick to it

  because you’re a walking cluster fuck as an infantry officer.

  My men are hard chargers, Major! Lieutenant Ring and Gunny Highway took a handful of young fire pissers, exercised some personal initiative, and kicked ass!

  —Heartbreak Ridge

  cock block, v.

  to block another person from having sex; American

  Just when the chick I had been trying to score with all night was sliding her hand down my pants, Al walked into the bedroom and cock blocked me.

  cock tease, n.

  a woman who continually leads men to believe she will sleep with them but doesn’t; American

  She told me how much she wanted to screw, but the cock tease left after dinner—and before dessert.

  cocksucker, n.

  derogatory term for a man who is inferior to oneself; a person who gives blowjobs; American

  That cocksucker better get his SUV out of my spot before I key his car.

  You can’t cut the throat of

  every cocksucker whose character it would improve.

  —Deadwood

  codswallop, n.

  baloney; British

  Stop talking codswallop and blow me for fuck’s sake!

  Stop talking baloney and blow me for fuck’s sake!

  to come the raw prawn, v.

  to act naïve; to bullshit; Australian

  Don’t come the raw prawn with me, Enid; I know you borrowed my bike without asking.

  Don’t bullshit me, Enid; I know you borrowed my bike without asking.

  condom, n.

  a contraceptive device made of latex worn on the penis; American

  If you’re out of condoms on Ladies Night, you’re fucked (or not).

  DERIVATION: Odds are the term condom comes from the Latin word for container: condos. But some insist that one enterprising seventeenth century Dr. Condom devised the sheath out of sheep gut to help His Royal Highness Charles II from spreading his, uh, seed throughout the land (Charles II had fathered at least fourteen illegitimate children at that time).

  A condom is the glass slipper for our generation.

  You slip one on when you meet a stranger.

  You dance all night,and then throw it away.

  —Fight Club

  coochie, n.

  vagina; American

  That biddy was practically shoving her coochie in Ben’s face, but he was completely oblivious and ended up going home alone.

  COOCHIE

  The 2 Live Crew song “Pop That Coochie” is typical of the kind of music that came to be known as “booty rap” due to the graphic sexual nature of the lyrics. (Not to mention the title!)

  cool your Joan Jetts, interj.

  a phrase used by men to emasculate each other, implying femininity; American

  So I told Michael, “Whoa there, missy, cool your Joan Jetts.”

  Girls have got balls.

  They’re just a little higher up that’s all.

  —Joan Jett, rock star

  cougar, n.

  an older woman (sometimes a MILF), over 35, on the prowl for sex with younger men; American

  This cougar was hitting on Rich outside of a club, but started talking about her kid, so he booked it out of there.

  Sexiest Celluloid Cougars

  1. Anne Bancroft as Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate

  2. Jennifer Coolidge as Stifler’s Mom in American Pie

  3. Ruth Gordon as Maude in Harold and Maude

  4. Jane Seymour as Kitty Cat Cleary in Wedding Crashers

  5. Jennifer O’Neill as Dorothy in Summer of ‘42

  cow, n.
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  a bitch; unattractive woman; British

  His sister is a real cow, but, you know, I’d still slam it.

  His sister is a real bitch, but, you know, I’d still hit it.

  cracker, n.

  derogatory term for a white person; American

  That cracker on the Lakers can’t play basketball to save his life.

  The white cracker who wrote

  the National Anthem knew what he was doing. He set the word free to a note so high nobody could reach it.

  That was deliberate.

  —Angels in America

  cracking, adj.

  best; stunning; British

  I went home with a cracking girl last night and she ended up being a dirty slut.

  I went home with a stunning girl last night and she ended up being a dirty slut.

  cream, v.

  to ejaculate; American

  I creamed on her face after sex then went to sleep while she cleaned up. I never saw her again.

  cream pie, n.

  a vagina or asshole with sperm dripping from it; American

  We did it without a condom, and she had the messiest cream pie ever afterward.

  crop dusting, v.

  farting and walking simultaneously; American

  When I’m waiting in line and there are annoying people behind me, I end up crop dusting them with the hope that it will shut them up.

  cubicle, n.

  a stall; British

  The corner pub has a nice loo with three cubicles if you need to take a shit.

  The corner bar has a nice bathroom with three stalls if you need to take a shit.

  Take a shit in a cubicle in America—and you’ll get your ass fired.

  cum, v.

  to climax; a variation of “come” considered a more obscene spelling; American

  Harold always yells “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” when having sex; he says it helps him cum.

  cumshot, n.

  ejaculation, usually on a woman’s face, but can be on other body parts; American

  She still had some of my cumshot in her hair when we went out to dinner—it was a There’s Something About Mary moment.

  cunnilingus, n.

  the sexual act of giving oral pleasure to a woman’s clit; American

  Carole never performs fellatio on her man unless he performs cunnilingus on her first—it’s a tit for twat thing.

  DERIVATION: This Latin mouthful of a word comes from the happy marriage of the word cunnus (meaning vulva) and linguere (meaning to lick).

  cunt, n.

  cunt, a derogatory term for a woman; American

  That cunt broke up with Ted by text message, and a second later she accidentally sent him a message meant for the guy who she had also been seeing.

  SHOCKER

  Considered by many to be one of the most offensive word in use in America, cunt was once described by feminist Germaine Greer as “one of the few remaining words in the English language with a genuine power to shock.”

  You’re not a bad person.

  You’re a terrific person.

  You’re my favorite person.

  But every once in a while, you can be a real cunt.

  you can be a real cunt.

  —Kill Bill: Volume 2

  D

  damn, v., n.

  to curse, to condemn; a curse; American

  When the priest says, “damn it all to hell,” he really means it.

  DERIVATION: This word comes to us from the Latin damnare, meaning to inflict loss upon.

  Frankly my dear,

  I don’t give a damn.

  —Gone With the Wind

  dangly bits, n.

  private parts (male); British

  Trust me when my neighbour walks around his flat naked, you do not want to see his dangly bits.

  Trust me, when my neighbor walks around his apartment naked, you do not want to see his dick.

  declare war, v.

  to have rough, angry sex with someone; American

  I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me, so before I dumped her, I declared war on her until she had trouble walking.

  debag someone, v.

  to pants someone; British

  My first day in the dorms, a group of hooligans debagged me.

  My first day in the dorms, a group of bullies pulled my pants down.

  deep throat, v.

  in oral sex, when a man puts his entire penis down someone else’s throat; American

  I saw a porn video where this girl deep throats an entire twelve-inch penis.

  PORN CHIC

  The 1972 movie Deep Throat was one of the first plot-driven porno films, giving rise to the term “porn chic.” This groundbreaking X-rated flick asked the burning story question: How far does a girl have to go to untangle her tingle?

  destroy, v.

  to have angry, dominative sex; American

  He loved sex and also loved to be dominated; needless to say, I would destroy him on a nightly basis.

  Minister: You may now kiss the bride.Peter: Kiss her?

  I’m going to destroy her.

  —Family Guy

  dibs, n.

  the act of claiming someone or something so nobody else can take it; American

  Marcus called dibs on that chick at the bar, and none of us said a word because he was pointing at a billboard of the Miller girls.

  dick, n.

  penis; a jerk; American

  Dick is a dick with a nine-inch dick.

  Dick is a variation of the Old English moniker Richard, so commonplace a name that it came to mean “Everyman”— and every man has a penis.

  dick around, v.

  to do nothing of worth; to waste time; American

  Murray shouldn’t dick around as much with video games, or his girlfriend will dump him and he’ll have to create a cyber girlfriend.

  You wanna be in a band? Fine. Go ahead. Play every night. Play three times a night!

  Don’t just dick around the same coffee house for five years.

  —Reality Bites

  dickwad, n.

  jerk; American

  Not every Dick is a dickwad, but every dickwad is a dick.

  Chill out, dickwad.

  —Terminator 2: Judgment Day

  Dirty Sanchez, n.

  an act where a man wipes his penis on a woman’s upper lip to create a mustache after anal sex; American

  I love a woman with a mustache, so I gave her a Dirty Sanchez. She was not amused.

  documentary, n.

  a discreet signal to a friend that there is a sophisticated hot chick in ear range; sign to get a sophisticated girl’s attention; American

  Did you see that documentary about that girl, I don’t remember her name, but she had handlebars and always wore a striped shirt.

  dodgy, adj.

  not to be trusted; sketchy; British

  That Alec is right dodgy. He’s always hitting on underage girls.

  Alec is really sketchy. He’s always hitting on jailbait.

  dogging, v.

  having sex in public; British

  The long-married couple kept their sex life fresh by dogging in Central Park on their vacation in New York City. But no one even noticed.

  The long-married couple kept their love life fresh by having sex in public in Central Park on their vacation in New York City. But no one even noticed.

  doggy style, n.

  sex from behind; American

  She had such a nice ass I just had to bend her over and give it to her doggy style.

  MOO

  The ancient sex manual known as the Kama Sutra describes several positions that feature what we think of as doggy-style fucking. The most famous of these is called the Congress of the Cow.

  donkey punch, v.

  to punch someone in the back of the head during orgasm when having sex doggy style; American

  The cocksucker tried to donkey punch me last night but I saw him move in the mirr
or and managed to duck.

  doolally, adj.

  crazy, eccentric; from doolally tap, meaning “camp fever”; British

  That sexy, short girl I brought back to my flat was fucking doolally in bed.

  That pocket nymph I brought back to my apartment was fucking crazy in bed.

  WAITING

  This expression comes from Deolali, India, where British forces were stationed during colonial times. Soldiers there suffered from a fever that induced delusions while waiting for their homebound ships.

  doris, n.

  girlfriend or wife; British

  We can actually hang out tonight because my doris and her friends are watching Sex and the City for the millionth time.

  We can actually go out and play pool tonight because my girlfriend and her friends are watching Sex and the City for the millionth time.

  double clicking the mouse, v.

  female masturbation; American

  When I came home and saw my girlfriend double clicking the mouse while staring at herself in a mirror, I thought, “I really want to have sex with that narcissist.”

  double fisting, n.

  the act of fisting with both hands (putting both hands inside someone’s vagina or anus); American

  He can’t walk a straight line because he’s obsessed with double fisting.

  DERIVATION: Double fisting can also refer to carrying a glass of beer in each hand at the same time. That’s why your chances of double fisting your girlfriend double if she’s been double fisting beer the whole night.

  douche bag, n.

  a person who is an asshole and not redeemable or likeable in any capacity; American

  That douche bag not only cut in front of us at the bar, but also didn’t tip the bartender.

  Beth McIntire is from a whole ’nother planet, bro. I mean, she’s beautiful, she’s charming. As for you, I mean, I love you and all but let’s face it: you’re kind of a douche bag.

  —Cloverfield