Little Miss Lovesick

by Kitty Bucholtz

  I rolled out of bed, threw on some clothes, splashed cold water on my face — very cold, which woke me up a little — and felt my way in the darkness to the porch. Shelley was dozing leaning against a beam and Patty looked asleep in the rocker. Emily followed me out a minute later, looking a bit more awake. We sat down on the porch steps to wait for Matt.

  Em and I both wore new khaki shorts with cargo pockets. Emily — of course! — insisted on buying them at Dunham's Sports when we bought the sleeping bags. I was trying to decide if I was just tired or if it was too cold for only a T-shirt. Surely it would warm up soon. I checked to see if Em wore a sweatshirt.

  “Do you have makeup on?” I asked, thinking I was too tired to see straight.

  “No,” she said. “Just some mascara and eye shadow.”

  “Right, just what’s absolutely necessary for pre-dawn fly-fishing.” I didn’t have it in me to put on makeup before dawn on vacation. I could just see myself sticking my eye with a mascara wand.

  She leaned her head on my shoulder and said, “Shut up” as she closed her eyes.

  I saw movement in the morning shadows and watched Matt materialize. I didn’t even realize there was ground fog until he walked through it. With a little imagination, he reminded me of Aragorn in theLord of the Rings movies, coming to save his people. The thought made me smile.

  Matt caught me watching him — I was probably the only one with my eyes open so it couldn’t have been difficult — and mistakenly thought I was smiling at him. He smiled back. I blurted out “Good morning, Aragorn” in a tired mumble. I have no filter when I’m tired.

  He winked at me. “Morning. Ready to go fishing?”

  I grunted. “What, we don’t look ready to you?”

  “I think,” he said, sitting on the porch next to me, “that you ladies stayed up past your bedtime last night.”

  Yeah, stayed up talking about you, Mr. Stud Muffin. I pretended indifference to the nerve endings firing throughout my body. I could feel the heat radiating from him and thought I should probably go get a sweatshirt because it felt really nice.

  “You mean, this morning. We stayed up past our bedtimethis morning.”

  “Ouch,” he said with a mock pained expression.

  Without moving from my shoulder, Emily mumbled, “It had to be done. That’s what vacations are for. That’s what girlfriends are for.”

  “Well, in that case, I’m glad I don’t have one because I, for one, got a wonderful night’s sleep and I’m ready to catch some fish.” He nudged my knee with his.

  Emily sat up and yawned. Patty and Shelley stretched and ambled down the steps.

  “Anyone else coming?” he asked. He started distributing the fishing poles that I hadn’t noticed were leaning against the porch railing. He must’ve brought them down earlier. Wow, talk about an early riser.

  “Wait for us, we’re coming.” Tracey and Janice came through the door, rubbing their eyes and pulling their hair back.

  “This morning,” Matt began, “we’re starting late because I need the light to show you how to tie on the flies. It’s pretty overcast right now so it’ll be hard to see, but we’ll manage. Tomorrow, I’ll be down here at five for anyone who wants a good shot at catching some big fish.”

  “We’re going to be here at five sharp,” Emily whispered to me amid the groans of the other women.

  Like I’m really going to get up at 4:30. On a Sunday morning. So glad this is only a weekend trip. I’m going to have to go back to work to recover.

  “The poles I’ve given you are based on your height, so try to hang on to the same one. At Patty’s suggestion, I decided to have you all use artificial lures instead of live bait, so there’s no reason not to learn how to tie on your own flies.”

  Memory of the movement under the plastic lid yesterday whizzed through my mind. Yuck. Why did I come on a fishing trip without even thinking about whether I would enjoy fishing?

  To get away from thinking about Dirk.

  Oh yeah. Well, speaking of not thinking about him…

  “There’s a lot of fish in our little stream,” Matt continued. “I hope I can help you each catch a few. But trust me, they aren’t going to jump up and volunteer to be your dinner.”

  We all chuckled. An image of a fish that looked like Horshack fromWelcome Back Kotter popped into my mind. “Oo, oo, oo! Pick me! I want to be your dinner!” I released a tired giggle. Emily looked at me and mouthed “What?” I just shook my head.

  “All right. Ready to have some fun?” Matt asked.

  “You’re excessively chipper this morning,” said Shelley with a yawn. “I think everyone else is sleepwalking.”

  “Well, the fish are awake and they’re hungry. Let’s go get some breakfast, ladies.”

  We followed Matt down a path behind the lodge. I tripped twice on the way. (I was tired, and it was dark. I’m notthat clumsy.) The third time I tripped, I nearly landed on my face. Matt turned around just in time to grab me and set me back on my feet.

  “You okay?” He didn’t let go of my arm.

  “Fine. It’s dark.” I tried to pull free.

  Matt glanced at the women behind him. “No one else seems to be having problems.”

  Emily piped up from behind me. “That’s because we’re using Sydney as a guide. We’re walking wherever she doesn’t.”

  I started to slide on loose pebbles and grabbed his upper arm with my free hand. I pulled myself close. Oh man, he smelled good.

  “What the heck kind of shoes are you wearing?” Exactly how I wanted to start Day Two of my vacation. I ignored him. Besides, they were the most comfortable sandals I owned.

  Yeah, but you never thought about smooth leather soles on a slippery gravel trail, did ya?

  “Sydney, didn’t you bring any sneakers?” Patty asked. “Do you need to borrow some other shoes?”

  “I tried to tell you,” said Em.

  “I’m fine.” I turned in her direction. And slid a couple inches on more loose gravel.

  “Don’t let her fall, Matthew,” Patty said in her “mom” voice. “I’ll have to talk to Ted about this trail.”

  As I got my feet under me, I once again tried to pull away. Matt interlaced his fingers through mine.

  “Oh, no you don’t. Hang on or I’ll carry you.”

  “Yeah, right,” I snorted under my breath. I was too tired to be polite, and too nervous I might fall into the river and never be heard from again to risk letting go. Besides, his hand was warm. It was surprisingly chilly out for June. But then, we couldn’t have driven much farther north without ending up in Canada.

  A short walk brought us to the stream, flashing and gurgling in the early morning light. Along the bank stood silvery birch trees. Soft, green ferns grew thick on the forest floor. The morning calls of robins and chickadees filled the air. I breathed in the smell of earth and water. Mm, thank you, God.

  Matt stopped at a wider area of the bank and showed us how to tie on the flies. I can’t express how relieved I was tonot have to use “live bait.” Ugh! Then he showed us how to cast.

  “What you’re going to do is bring the rod back in a back cast, then forward — that’s the forward cast — a couple of times until the line is just long enough to toss the fly gently onto the area of the stream you think the fish are at. Watch.” Matt demonstrated as we watched carefully. The fly landed with barely a ripple.

  I tried not to be impressed. He made it look like he wasn’t even trying. I guess that’s what you want in a fishing guide, though, someone who knows how to fish. I yawned.

  After a couple of demonstrations and a few questions, we spread out along the bank. I tied the lure Matt had given me onto the line and studied it for a moment. “It looks like chicken feathers,” I said.

  “Mine looks like a dragonfly, only smaller,” said Emily, holding it up for my inspection.

  As we each practiced our casting, Matt walked up and down the riverbank giving pointers and encouragement. I yawned as I cast t
he rod back, forward, back, and release. I pulled the string, wire,line(whatever, I amso tired) back in for another practice cast. Someone please remind me why I’m doing this again. With someone like Emily for a best friend, how were we not at a spa resort right now? Still sleeping.

  “Matt, when you’re done, I need some help,” called Emily.

  I watched her for a moment. “I think you’re doing great. Better than me.”

  “Thanks, but I really want to learn how to do this right so I can catch some fish.” Emily frowned as she re-cast her line.

  Matt went over to help her. Em concentrated on what he was saying, then cast a few more times. Finally, she smiled and nodded. Matt smiled at her, then looked over at me. My stomach took a dive. Must be hunger. Yeah. I need breakfast.

  I went back to fishing. Don’t look at him. Pull the line in. Back, forward, back — I shivered really hard and broke my very little concentration. I messed up the line, catching it in my hair in the process.

  A chuckle near my left ear made me shiver again.

  “A bit tangled up, eh,” Matt said as he pulled the line from my hair. I’d forgotten to pull it into a baseball cap and my hair was a wavy brown mess. I should’ve brought my straightener, camping or not.

  I tried to joke around. “I shivered and lost my aim. Now I understand why all the stores sell flannel shirts. Even in June.”

  “Well, you caught us in a warm spell this week.” He straightened out my fishing gear and handed it to me.

  Then he started unbuttoning his shirt. I shivered again, trying not to watch him and watching anyway out of the corner of my eye. Holy cow, what was he doing? I dug my fingernails into one palm, the hands-full approach to pinching myself. Ow. I was either awake or having a disturbing dream. A wonderfully disturbing dream.

  He took his shirt off and put it around my shoulders.

  “Hey, what — no, I’ll just go back and get a sweatshirt.”

  He pried my fishing pole out of my hands. It wasn’t difficult since I could barely feel them. I just stood there, torn between letting him be the gentleman and insisting on my independence.

  “Your hands are freezing,” he said quietly. “No wonder you cast into the woods instead of the stream.”

  Point taken. I’d let him play gentleman for now, but tomorrow I’d remember my hoodie. Matt helped me get my arms into the sleeves as I tried to figure out what drugs I’d taken the day before. I must’ve been on something to agree to Emily’s flirtation plan. It had seemed logical enough when Matt wasn’t around. But when he stood so close… How could this be happening? This drop-dead gorgeous hunk in a white T-shirt and jeans was dressing me (okay, unusual in a sexy dream) in his flannel shirt (another point to make one wonder about one’s ability to imagine well) while half a dozen women looked on curiously.

  Okay, good point. Not sexy exactly, but nice.

  Really nice, sighed Little Miss Lovesick.

  Matt buttoned his shirt up to the last button, then turned the cuffs back so my hands showed through. I tried to focus on gratitude not attraction, but holy smokes, his hair smelled good. I shivered once more even as I felt ridiculously warmer. I didn’t know what to think about his attraction thing. I hadn’t spared more than a glance for another man since I met Dirk four years ago.

  “You’re going to get cold.” I eyed him again. Soft white cotton wrapped around his chest. A chest that I could clearly see was amazingly muscular. More than work-out-at-the-gym muscular.

  He chuckled softly, moving closer, lighting all my nerves on fire. “I’m an All-American red-blooded boy. I think I can take it.”

  The last time my stomach felt this way was right before I threw up, the month after Dirk the Jerk dumped me, when I drank too much wine and ate too much Ben & Jerry’s ice cream trying to drown my sorrows.

  “You okay now? Ready to try again?” He placed my hands correctly on the pole.

  No, I amnotready to try again. All I wanted in the whole world was to be a wife, eventually a mother, and have a home of my own. One occasionally decorated with unexpected flowers from a doting husband. But I didn’t know how to try again. I’d made a serious error in judgment when it came to the character of the man I loved. How could I trust myself not to make the same mistake again? Especially when I didn’t know where I went wrong. But being around Matt, oh, I wish Iwas ready to try again.

  He leaned closer, adjusting the fishing line. Oh, you smell so good — concentrate, concentrate on the river, casting, don’t cast the fishing pole into the water.

  I kept my eyes forward and hoped the sudden rush of warmth in my face was not visible in the dim light.

  “Remember what to do?” he whispered.

  “Why are we whispering?” I whispered back.

  “So we don’t scare the fish away.”

  Oh yeah, I vaguely recollected him mentioning that.

  I tried again. Now that I was warmer and not shivering, I did a better job. Meaning I landed the fly in the river rather than in my hair. But certainly nowhere near where Matt had landed it.

  “Not bad, not bad. Pull it in and try it again,” he said.

  It was one thing to keep a cool head when Matt was not in sight. It was another thing altogether when he was standing so close I could practically feel the heat from his body.

  “It’s in the water,” I said, pointing (stupidly) in front of me. “It’s fine. I don’t want to take up everybody else’s time.”

  I glanced upstream but no one seemed to be paying attention. I thought surely everyone would be wondering why Matt was spending so much time with me. Even Emily completely ignored everything around her. Man, that girl is serious about fishing.

  “You’re not taking up anyone’s time. Come on, pull it in.” Matt stood there smiling with his arms folded over his chest.

  “I got it in the water,” I said in mock irritation as I did as he asked.

  He responded with mock seriousness, “A very good place to start when trying to catch a fish.”

  I laughed in spite of myself.

  The sun was still hidden behind the tall trees, but it was lighter out and that automatically meant I was waking up. At least mostly.

  I yawned.

  “Now,” Matt said as he stepped behind me and put his right hand over mine on the fishing pole.

  I bit the yawn off in surprise and nearly bit my tongue. Why did it seem this man was always putting his arms around me?

  “Hold the pole like this.” He adjusted my hand a bit. “And the line like this.” He let go of my right hand and moved to my other side to put the line in my left hand.

  “Go ahead.” Matt stood looking at me expectantly, arms crossed over his chest again.

  I looked down at my hands and wondered what I’d missed. I turned back to him. He smiled and shook his head a little, his eyes twinkling like the sunlight on the stream.

  “Go ahead and cast.”

  “I’m really not good at—”

  Matt cut me off with a wave of his hand. (Or was he swatting at a fly?) “You’re fine. You can do it. Go ahead.”

  I wasn’t so sure. My goal in life at this moment was to not look like a complete imbecile. I stood there for a second hoping I wouldn’t embarrass myself when I felt his arms wrap around me.

  No, I mean really. Not the very discrete and professional thing he was doing a minute ago. I’m talking both arms around me, both hands on mine, the warmth of him behind me, practically cheek to cheek. He moved the pole and the line, explaining everything again as he made my hands go through the movements.

  His voice was low and soft near my ear. “Forward, back, and release, letting the line go out…and then you’re done.”

  He moved his hands to my shoulders but didn’t move away.

  “See? I told you you could do it.”

  I turned to say thank you (I couldn’t think of anything else to say), but as I did I noticed how close his lips were. I mean, it’s not that I was looking, exactly. But I’m quite a bit shorter tha
n he is and his lips were right at my eye level.

  I risked a quick glance and noticed Emily grin and look away. A movement farther down caught my eye. Patty smiled at us. Great. I can imagine how we looked. Apparently, so could Matt.

  He dropped his hands and cleared his throat. “Call me if you need anything.” He walked down the bank to help Mikki.

  I turned back to the river. Amazingly, the fishing pole was doing its thing without me. There it was in my hands, the fly still floating in the water.

  I amso not interested in him. I’m just tired, that’s all. Maybe if we’d met later when I was looking for a good, healthy relationship. If I even knew what that was.

  Mm, something smelled good. I dipped my head closer to the collar of Matt’s shirt. Oh my. I closed my eyes for a moment and breathed in — what, soap? Aftershave? Something nice, whatever it was.

  This is exactly why your mother told you not to have sex before marriage, the “Mom” voice droned in my brain.Once you’ve had it, it’s all you think about.

  I turned my face away from Matt’s shirt. I amnot thinking about sex!

  I am, said Little Miss Lovesick.

  I sighed. It doesn’t matter. I’ve already run the gamut of self-destructive behaviors over the last four months. The last thing I’m going to do — no, not the last thing I’mgoingto do, the one thing Iwon’t do — is try to find comfort in some cute guy’s bed. Like the wine and the ice cream, it’ll likely be something I really regret in the morning.

  A booming voice inside yelled,shecan be taught!

  CHAPTER 5

  AS THE sun rose above the tree line, I tipped up my face to capture its warmth on my skin. Sighing peacefully, my eyes drifted open. I pulled gently on the line in my hand, trying to interest a fish in my lure — if there were any fish around. My gaze shifted across the water where I noticed a movement. I leaned forward trying to make out the shapes in the shadows of the trees.