by a dagmara
He kissed my lips with all his emotion and pulled away walking from my room.
The pain was worse than what I had experience this morning…the tears were uncontrolled as I curled up facing away from him. I couldn’t watch him leave.
Charlie walked out of my room with what was left of me…the last part of my heart.
Sebastian came in with the doctor, then allowed them to do a brief checkup and a rundown of what happened, and what I should expect regarding recovery. The tears now barren and unable to be produced, as my eyes stung in pain.
Sebastian stayed through it all, even offering to take me home as I accepted. He called Brady as I felt the need to let him be. Brady had been caring for me for the past three months and he deserved a reprieve from my problems.
As Sebastian and I pulled up to my house I knew Charlie would not be here. I knew he was gone.
Sebastian helped me inside and onto my sofa.
“Do you want company?” his words and offer were kind, sincere and sympathetic.
“I’ll be ok” I responded flatly, as I couldn’t muster any emotions.
“I don’t feel right about leaving you like this” he breathed out in concern.
“Like how? I’ve been alone for a long time Sebastian…I’m use to the solitude, perhaps it’s how life was always designed for me.”
“Don’t go there Lillian…don’t let this close you off permanently.” he spoke as if he understood.
“Thank you for being here and for the ride home…but I need some time Sebastian.”
“Ok…but I don’t feel right about leaving you.”
“Please…I appreciate your concern …I truly do…I will be fine.”
“Ok.” He kissed me on the cheek and slowly rose up from me.
I heard him leave closing the door behind him.
Cuddled into the sofa, I just sat there for hours…I was numb the tears fell randomly throughout; on their own.
I just sat thru the darkness until the morning sun made its way into the blue sky. I just sat watching out in the world unable to understand all that had happened.
I had no concept of time. When Sam came in, I was so zoned out, I heard nothing of what she said. My gaze still locked, staring through the windows…releasing a tear here and there. I was unsure what I was crying for most…the baby I lost or Charlie. Nana came next, then Brady…my house was filling up with people, yet I could not move or acknowledge them…I just couldn’t get my mind and body to connect.
It would be a full 48 hours before I form words or speak to anyone.
Christmas would come and go and New Year’s was fast approaching.
By this point, I could at least function. The routine was simple eat, sit, stare, eat, sleep…for days, I went like this.
Brady, Sam and Nana took shifts staying with me.
Chapter 6
I woke up like normal, numb. Moving myself to the kitchen, I made myself a cup of coffee and moved to my normal spot on the sofa.
Nana in the kitchen was prepping breakfast; when the door bell rung.
I didn’t bother and just sat and stared.
I heard her answer and shut the door.
“Lillian, Niemen Marcus just sent over your dress for the charity ball tonight. It’s beautiful dear.”
“That’s nice nana” I sipped my coffee.
Then it registered slowly…I was the chairperson of the ball…it was a charity ball I organized every year to benefit children who were autistic…it was my mother’s. I had always helped her organize and fund raise and after her death, I took over in her place as a tribute to her.
Placing my mug on the coffee table, I stood to my feet and turned to Nana.
She cried looking at me.
“It is lovely isn’t it” I looked to her then the dress she held…my tears from nowhere fell.
“Yes it is…just like you Lilly”, she was crying, as I finally came back to the living.
“I’m sorry Nana”
“For what my dear…your heart has been broken…you have nothing to be apologizing for!”
“Will it ever stopping hurting Nana?”
“Oh Lilly…yes…it will. When you’re ready it will stop hurting”
I walked to her as she placed the garment bag holding the dress on the sofa and took me into her arms.
“I lost my baby Nana,” I cried into her hold… “I lost him…I loved him Nana”
“I know dear…I know”
“What do I do Nana?”
“You pick yourself up Lilly…you live. It’s new year’s eve which means at the stroke of midnight it’s a new year and new starts Lilly…take it and live”
Lifting from her hold “Breakfast first…then a shower, I must look awful.” I laughed thru my tears.
“That is a perfect start Lilly.”
I looked over to the dress breaking from her hold…she was right, I needed to live and I wasn’t going to miss the ball. This was for my mother and now my baby, my daughter.
“Are you going?”
“Yes Nana…I need to for mom and for the baby I lost…I’m going. This has been something close to my mother’s heart as well as mine. I have to be there.”
“Good …this is the right step in a positive direction.”
“Your right Nana…I need to live and this is not living…I’m sorry for being such a mess.”
“Oh child …you are far from being a mess…you need time to heal and this was you needing just that…a way for your heart and mind to reconnect. Nevertheless, don’t push it…let yourself feel it all…cry when you need to let the emotions out and let them free. I promise you it will get better.”
And like her words opened, my flood gates my tears and heart ached.
We ate breakfast together as I would intermittently cry. I made my way to the bedroom needing a nap. It would be 5pm in the evening before I woke.
Jumping out of the bed, I walked back into the bathroom turning the shower on. It had been a week since I last showered in here and my memory almost had me frozen. Shaking it off, I stepped in and showered. I fought thru my tears finding the resolve to bury them deep. I readied myself, makeup then hair. Pulling the dress free from the garment bag, it was breath taking.
It was a long silk gown. It had two slits that ran up the sides of my legs with a fully open back…the color Red as vibrant and ruby toned setting off my skin tone and blonde hair. The curls I always struggled to tame seemed perfectly controlled and slightly pulled back with a few lose, as my sister’s always fell. I sat on the bed and put my matching heel on. Taking a moment, I stood up and walked to the family room where Brady stood in a black tuxedo.
His eyes fell to me in shock.
“I didn’t think you were going to make it”
“She had a change of heart Brady.”
“You look stunning Lillian.”
“Thank you Brady.”
“No you look amazing”
“So do you Brady”
“Are you sure you’re up for this Lilly?”
“Of course…plus who will you open the dance floor with? It’s tradition we always do the tango.” I offered up a smile
“That’s my girl”
“Is Sam coming?”
“She’s already there making sure everything is going as planned…she helped by stepping in the past few months.”
“I owe her big”
“No, she loves you Lilly…she volunteered and I think she really has a heart for it.”
“You love her don’t you?”
“Yes …very much. I plan on proposing to her…I planned on doing it tonight, but if you think I should wait I will…I don’t want to disrespect you or the charity.”
“Are you kidding? I think tonight would be perfect. I love you Brady and I want you to have all the happiness in the world. Plus I approve” I laughed
“You know…I’ve always loved you Lilly and always will.”
“I know…you are family, my family Brady” and it was t
rue he and I were family.
“Well it seems we should get going MS Holt” he smiled
“It seems your right Mr. Calhoun.” I nodded my head and smiled his way.
I walked over to where he and Nana stood.
“You look lovely Lilly” Nana hugged me tight “Let yourself Live.”
“I love you Nana…Thank you.”
“I’ll get your coat Lilly.” Brady stepped down the hall opening my coat closet.
“The winter white?” he called over
“Sure” I replied and let go from the hug
“Did you pack your bag?”
Shit, I forgot we always booked rooms in the hotel for this event.
“Didn’t think so. I’ll pack you an overnight bag Lilly” he handed my coat then proceeded back to my room.
“That boy takes such good care of you,” Nana added
“Yes he does Nana”
“I always thought the two of you would one day end up together”
“Oh stop Nana…that’s gross. He’s like my brother.”
“I know dear…I see that and his Sam is such a lovely woman.”
“Yes she is Nana.”
“I remember those boys when they were younger. The dark haired one always looked at you with such hope, longing, and now as a man, he still looks at you the same way. The other…” Nana shook her head “He was always trouble…such a jealous boy. I told Prescott that those boys needed a mother figure to ground them. A man doesn’t know how to raise children without the balance of a woman.”
“Nana what do you know of their mothers?”
“Not much…Sebastian’s mother died during child birth…but Charlie’s mother…she was shrewd of a woman and very married to another man. She didn’t treat Charlie very well. I believe he has a younger sister roughly about your age…his mother was very taken with the girl. Poor Charlie was never given the same love then Prescott took him in. Prescott treated those boys equally; the best he could.”
“Well the Vaihn brothers have no consequence in my life and soon they’ll have what they wanted…father’s company; not that there’s much left of it.” I grinned looking down to the floor.
“Good, then after that’s done…move on and away from it all…live your life without this need for vengeance or these games. You’re brilliant, beautiful, and still so young. Start building a life for yourself.” she smiled offering her advice. Advice I should heed.
“That’s what I plan Nana”
“Ok, ready to go?” Brady entered the room
I turned to Nana and kissed her goodbye.
“Will you be here tomorrow?” I looked down to her.
“No…I have plans volunteering at the rectory.”
“Ok, Nana. Happy New Year’s”
“Remember, what I said” She looked into my eyes.
“I will Nana” I kissed on her cheek and put my coat on.
Brady and I made our way out to his hummer.
Driving downtown, he filled me in on the going on’s for the Ball, and went over the sponsor list. I started my Speech in my mind as I always did.
“So how are you feeling Lil?”
“Physically, I feel like me…emotionally…numb.”
“You’ll get thru this…and I’ll do my best to help you. Whatever you need from me you have it.”
“Brady, something’s just can’t be fixed; they just need to take their course. I’ll work it out for myself…you do more than you should when it comes to me. Focus on your life, Sam, your future.”
“Lil…Charlie was at the house. I figured you probably were too zoned to notice, but he came by every day and checked on you.”
“I don’t remember him being there.” I stared blankly out the window. “It doesn’t matter. He made his point. We’re done.”
“He loves you Lil. He sat watching you sleep almost every night. I think he just doesn’t know what you need. He’s just as lost and hurt”
“He left me in the Hospital Brady…he just left.” I shook my head feeling the build of tears.
“I’m not making excuses for his actions…but it’s obvious that he loves you, and the fact is, he is a complicated man. I’m sure there is something more to this. You shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss him in your life. I don’t think the two of you are anywhere near being done.”
“Honestly Brady, it’s better this way. He and I would have had a lot to overcome…Hell, his jealousy towards Sebastian would have reared its head sooner rather than later. He won’t forget the little fact that Sebastian had me in his bed once.”
“Yeah, as a man I would have a hard time with that one. All I’m saying is don’t rule him out of your life…I think the two of still have things on the table to deal with, and eventually you will both have to deal with the other to sort it out. What happens in the end will between the two of you.” He looked down at me, with a more than serious look in his eyes. I knew he was right. There were a lot of things that at some point would need to be dealt with, but where would that leave him and me? I wasn’t sure.
“I don’t want to deal with this tonight Brady. I don’t have the emotional capacity to.”
“I’m sorry. Your right. You’ve been thru hell, and I’m piling the shit on high. I promise this is all you’ll hear me say for the rest of the night.”
We pulled around front of the hotel, and valet took the car, as the bellhop was quick to take our luggage.
A brief check in at the counter. The receptionist provided our keys. It seems that Brady booked two suites on the pent house floor. Looking to him, I shook my head. What did I need a suite for? It was just me.
As if he knew my internal conversation, “That’s all they had available Lilly.”
That’s right it was New Year’s Eve. The hotel was booked solid.
“Why don’t you head up to your suite…we have an hour before people will be arriving and everything else is being looked after. I’ll come get you when it’s time.”
“Are you sure there’s nothing you need me to do?”
“No, Sam took care of everything, and the event coordinator is doing her job well. Relax. This is why we hire the people we do. Now we let them do their jobs. Why don’t you finish up your speech; unless you would like me to handle it for you?”
“Thank you Brady, but as chairman of this charity it’s part of the job. Plus, you suck at public speaking.” I teased.
“Do not! What is it with you and Sam always giving me shit” he laughed.
“We love you and you make it too easy.” I kissed him on the cheek as we walked to the elevators.
He said nothing as he walked with me grinning to my comment.
I stripped my coat off as it felt like they had the heat on full blast.
“Shit…” Brady labored out
“What?” I turned to him not understanding his outburst.
“Wow…I really like the back of this dress.” He slighted his head taking a better look.
“Too much?” I raised a brow.
“No…not many could pull off such a dress. It truly is stunning” He shook his head in an approving manor.
“I bought it what now seems like ages ago. I’m surprised I could fit into it.” I looked down shifting the dress.
“No offense; but you look really thin?”
“None taken. I was a bit surprised how quickly my body went from pregnant and starting to show to like it never was.” I looked at myself in the mirrored doors. The swollen abdomen where my little resident had once lay was now flat and empty.
“Are you sure you’re up for this?” He placed an arm around me hugging me.
“I need this Brady. Nana was right I needed to live. I can’t let myself spiral into a darkness…because that’s where I was heading. I need this more than you can understand.”
The elevator doors open and I stepped in. Turning, I realized Brady wasn’t coming with me.
“I’m heading to the hall. I just wanted to make sure you got to your room safely.”
He grinned slighting his head.
I had a weird sense he was up to something, then I remember he planned to propose tonight.
“I’ll see you in an hour then.” I smiled at him as he looked nervous.
The doors closed. Looking down at the key no, I was on the top floor. Waiting patiently, I rode the elevator up alone. In silence, I walked to the double doors of the pent house suite.
I opened the door and walked in. This suite looked so familiar to me. I placed my coat down on the counter off the small kitchen and walked to the windows.
Yes, my memory served me well. I had woken up in this same suite. This was the suite Sebastian and I…
“Well that’s one hell of a dress MS Holt” His voice had me gasping in shock. Sebastian?
Shit…and clearly, this is still his suite.
“I’m sorry the front desk must have made a mistake. They gave me this key and room no. stating that this was my suite for the evening.” I looked over at the room card and clearly marked suite no.
“No they made no mistake…They were over booked and I made the arrangement to share this evening. Though, I didn’t think you would come.”
“I’m sorry I’ll go see if I can work something else out” I turned to head back to the door.
“Lillian, please don’t be silly. This suite has two rooms. I had the bell boy put your bag in the other room.” His words were honest and sincere.
This was just too weird. However, I knew I couldn’t stay in Brady’s suite…he and Sam would without a doubt want some privacy. I couldn’t impose on him like that. I’ve done too much of that these days.
Turning around, I finally looked at Sebastian as he was standing there in a towel. Oh, shit…really? What in the world was he up to?
The grin on his face, definitely a man up to something. I crossed my arms and slighted my head looking him up and down quizzically.
“Sorry just stepped out of the shower. I meant nothing of it. Promise. Plus it isn’t like you haven’t seen all there is to see” he raised his eyebrows teasingly and smiled as he just stood there.
“Yes, I certainly have…with a concussion no less” I found myself smiling at him
“I can always refresh your memory if you’re so inclined.” He grinned teasingly.
