Diary of a Super Spy: Attack of the Ninjas!

by Peter Patrick

  “Ok…” I have no idea what that means.

  “I call it the pants-dropper pen,” Dr. C. Mac declares.

  “The pants-dropper pen? That’s a stupid name!” I laugh.

  “You may think it is a stupid name, but it is entirely accurate. Once you have the pen in your possession, if you press the red button, then whoever you point it at, their pants will drop to the floor.”

  That’s stupid. A pen couldn’t force someone’s pants to drop!

  That would never work.

  Would it?

  “Can I have a go?” I ask them.

  “Not this one, Charlie,” Dad replies. “We’ll have to leave this one alone.”

  As Dad and Dr. C. Mac start to walk out of the room, I grab the pen and put it in my pocket. If it works, I’m sure that this pen will come in handy at a later date.

  Who wouldn’t love a pants-dropper pen?

  But as the pants-dropper pen goes in my pocket, I accidently hit the red button…

  “Oops.”

  Chapter 3

  The Wall of Bad

  After Dad has pulled up his pants, he takes me away from all the new gadgets, and we continue walking through the building.

  We walk through the endless white corridors, and I meet lots of other Super Spies. Some of them don’t look like they could be Super Spies – like old Mrs. Jones. She looks ancient, weak, and fragile. She has gray hair, thick glasses, and walks really slowly.

  “She is one of the most dangerous Super Spies in the world,” Dad says. “She might look elderly, but once, she beat up 28 body builders in under 15 seconds. She is lighting quick, and very smart. She conserves all her energy by moving really slow most of the day, but when it is required, she is mega quick. She is even faster than Speedy Speedy Spencer.”

  “Wow. I would never have known that after meeting her.”

  “Never underestimate an opponent, Charlie,” Dad says. “Or it might get you into trouble.”

  As we walk past a wall with over one thousand pictures hanging up, I ask, “What are all the pictures for?”

  “This is what we call the Wall of Bad.”

  “The Wall of Bad? What’s that?”

  “The Wall of Bad is where we display a photo of every major criminal the agency has ever caught. This list goes back hundreds of years to when the spy agency was catching witches and dragons, and it continues all the way through to modern villains like Izard the Blizzard Wizard. We are very proud to have a wall like this.”

  The pictures stretch for as far as the eye can see.

  There are photos of cowboys, stickmen, monsters, witches, and teachers. It’s had to imagine all these bad guys causing so much trouble.

  “Who’s this?” I ask, pointing to one of the pictures.

  “That’s Mr. Squash. He liked to squash people.”

  “And this one?”

  “That’s Mrs. Jump. She liked to jump on people.”

  “And this one?”

  “Mr. Lick.”

  “He liked to lick people?” I guess.

  “No, Lick was his last name. Why would someone want to lick people?” Dad laughs at me. “That’s silly, Charlie.”

  “And how many of these guys have you caught?”

  “Most of them since 1993, which is when I started in the agency. I have the record for the most bad guys ever captured. I am very proud of my record, Charlie, and I hope that one day you will continue my legacy and catch even more bad guys.”

  “Cool, Dad. And who’s this one?” I point to a photo of a super cool looking ninja.

  “That’s one of the most terrifying enemies we have ever encountered. That is the Head Ninja, and he is very, very dangerous. He is so quick, and so smart, that he is almost impossible to catch.”

  “But you caught him?”

  “I did,” Dad says proudly. “But only by chance. He was breaking into a bank, the seventh bank he had broken into that day, and he made one mistake. Instead of getting into the get-away car, he jumped into my car, and that is how I caught him.”

  “Why is he called the Head Ninja?”

  “The Head Ninja is in charge of the Shadow Ninjas. They are the sneakiest criminal group ever. You can’t hear or see them coming. They are really sneaky – they could be hiding in a room, and you wouldn’t have any idea that they were there. To spot a Shadow Ninja you have to be very aware of your surroundings. They could be anywhere! You wouldn’t even know if they were in this room.”

  “Um, ok,” I think about the ninjas I have seen around the building. “But why are they so bad?”

  “The only thing the Shadow Ninjas wanted to do was rule the world. That’s all they wanted. They have tried to take over the world 403 times already, but we stopped them each time. The last time that we stopped them, we found out that their goal was to capture all the spies from our agency. If they caught all of us, they could easily take over the world because there would be nobody around to stop them.”

  “Sounds scary.”

  “And the Shadow Ninjas are also the fastest people in the world. It is said that if one of them tries to kick you, you won’t even see the kick. At the Shadow Ninja Olympics, it is said that they run the 100-meter sprint so fast that they burn holes in the track.”

  “The Shadow Ninja Olympics? What’s that?” I ask.

  “It’s a very secretive Olympics held high in the mountains of Japan. Only the best ninjas in the world are invited to attend, and only a select few ninjas are allowed to watch. It is said that every world record is broken at the Ninja Olympics, including the javelin throw, the 100-metre sprint, the most hotdogs eaten in two minutes, and the pole-vault.”

  “But they are all locked up now, right?”

  “Of course. There were around 500 Shadows Ninjas in the world, but we caught them all, and they are safely locked away in our prison. Nothing to worry about.”

  “But Dad, I just saw one. I saw him hiding in this building!”

  “Impossible. It wouldn’t have been a Shadow Ninja that you saw. Perhaps it was a fly or a moth. There is no way that you would have seen a Shadow Ninja in this building. Firstly, they wouldn’t have been able to break into the building, and secondly, they are all locked up. And there is no way they are getting out of their prison. No way. The prison is the sturdiest prison in the world!”

  “But Dad-”

  “Nope. No way. Uh-uh. There are definitely no ninjas here.”

  But as we walk away from the Wall of Bad, I look over my shoulder and see more ninjas hiding...

  Chapter 4

  Spy Meeting

  “Charlie, I hope you have enjoyed your first tour of the Super Spy facility,” Dad says as we finish the tour of the spy building. “Now, I have to go to a top-secret meeting with all the world’s best Super Spies in the Dome of Silence.”

  “What’s the meeting for?” I ask as we walk outside.

  “This is the annual meeting of the world’s best spies. We discuss many different things like the latest inventions, the current bad guys, and where the best doughnuts in the world are located. It is a massively important meeting.”

  “Can I come in and watch?”

  “Sorry, Charlie, but you can’t come to this meeting. It’s top-secret. In this meeting, we discuss some of the most sensitive information in the world, and it is so secret that I can’t allow you to go in there. You’ll have to wait out here until we finish.”

  “Ok, Dad. I’ll wait here, and I won’t touch anything,” I say as Dad begins to walk into the Dome of Silence.

  The Dome of Silence is a large glass building next to the Super Spy agency.

  It is where all the important meetings are held. In that building, Dad has held top-secret meetings with Presidents, Kings, Queens, aliens, and carrots.

  He said the meeting with the talking carrot was the most boring meeting he had ever attended – all they did was talk about the quality of dirt on earth. Boring.

  As I sit on the grass, I watch all the world’s best
spies go into the Dome of Silence for their annual meeting.

  There are Super Spies from everywhere; including Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Ice-cream-istan, Russia, Europe, Australia, Mars, and Africa.

  I wonder if it is a good idea to have all the Super Spies in one place at one time?

  Of course, it is. They wouldn’t do it otherwise. They wouldn’t be that silly.

  As I sit on the grass next to the building and wait for Dad to finish, I watch the clouds float through the sky. I would love to be a cloud. I could just float along in the sky, gently providing shade for people that I like. Then, when I saw someone that I didn’t like, I could pour water all over them. Yep. That would be cool.

  I pull out the hotdog phone from my backpack, and call my best friend, Harley.

  Harley is the only kid that knows my Dad is a Super Spy. He has promised not to tell anyone else, and I trust him.

  “Hey Harley, I’ve just finished my first tour at the Super Spy training facility, and it is sooo cool!”

  “Awesome!” Harley responds. “What did you see in there?”

  “I can’t tell you, but I can tell you that it is mega awesome. Right now, I have to wait on the lawns outside the building while my Dad goes to a top secret meeting with the other Super Spies. You should come down here and hang out.”

  “That’s so awesome. I would love to come down, but right now I am helping my Dad with one of his experiments.”

  Harley’s Dad is one of the world’s best research scientists. In his last study, he studied the results of walking while not wearing any clothes. He found that it was a very effective method to get people to move out of your way when you wanted to go somewhere.

  But he also found that the police don’t allow you to walk down the street naked. He was arrested, told to put some clothes on, and after much explaining, he was released as long as he promised not to do any more study on that subject.

  “What’s your Dad doing today?” I ask Harley.

  “Today, he is studying whether the color of your hat makes it more likely that you will be pooed on by birds. I have to do the video recording while he stands in the middle of a field. He changes his hat every ten minutes to see if it changes the rate at which birds poo on him.”

  “Yuk! Has any of the hats made a difference?”

  “The red hat, the blue hat, and the green hat made no difference. He didn’t get pooed on once when wearing those hats. But when he put on the pink hat with blue spots, yellow stripes, and green circles, he was pooed on forty times in ten minutes! It’s like the birds saw him as a target!”

  I am definitely never wearing my pink hat with blue spots, yellow stripes, and green circles again!

  “That sounds really awful,” I say to Harley.

  “It’s alright… uh-oh, he’s about to put the pink hat with blue spots, yellow stripes, and green circles on again!” Harley shouts down the phone. “Yuk! He’s been hit by three poos in the first few seconds!”

  “That’s disgusting,” I say to Harley.

  “I’ve got to go!” he yells back. “He is being hit by so many different bird poos at once! Bye, Charlie!”

  “Bye,” I respond, just before he hangs up the phone.

  Looks like I will just have to wait here on the grass by myself.

  I lay down on the grass, happily looking around at the surroundings. It is such a beautiful, sunny day…

  But then I spot something moving in the distance.

  And then it hides!

  It is so fast, and dressed in black…

  I take another look around and see something else moving!

  This time, I get a clearer look.

  Uh-oh.

  This is bad!

  It’s a Shadow Ninja!

  And he is creeping towards the Dome of Silence!

  Oh no. He must know that all the world’s best Super Spies are in that building!

  At least it is only one Shadow Ninja.

  I’m sure the Super Spies can defeat one Shadow Ninja…

  But then I see another Shadow Ninja climbing on top of the Dome!

  Agh!

  This is very bad!

  I hide behind a nearby bush, so the two Shadow Ninjas can’t see me.

  There are two hundred Super Spies in the Dome of Silence, and I’m sure they can defeat two Shadow Ninjas. Yep. They would have no problem with two Shadow Ninjas.

  Two Shadow Ninjas would be fine.

  Phew.

  I was getting worried for a moment, but there are only two Shadow Ninjas. I’m sure that there is nothing to worry about.

  Nothing at all.

  I sit behind the bush and take my lunch out of my backpack. Taking a bite of my sandwich, I relax and enjoy the sunshine.

  I am absolutely sure that the Super Spies can defeat two Shadow Ninjas by themselves, and there is nothing for me to worry about. I will just sit here behind the bush and wait for the Super Spies to finish their meeting.

  But just in case, I look over the bush towards the Dome of Silence…

  Oh no!

  There are now hundreds of Shadow Ninjas climbing over the Dome of Silence!

  Agh!

  This is mega bad!

  Oh no!

  Chapter 5

  Panic!

  Hiding behind the bushes, I watch as the ninjas creep inside the Dome of Silence. They are all so fast and smooth. And there are so many of them!

  There must be hundreds of Shadow Ninjas breaking into the Dome!

  What’s happening inside?

  What do I do?

  All the world’s best spies are in that building!

  If the ninjas can trap everyone in the Dome, they can take over the world! There would be nobody to stop them!

  This is not good. This is really not good.

  Grabbing the hotdog phone from my backpack, I call my friend Harley.

  “Harley, I need your help. I’m-”

  “Sorry, Charlie,” Harley shouts down the phone. “I have to help my Dad! He’s being pooed on at a rate of eighty bird poos per minute, and he can’t take off his hat. I have to help him!”

  “But-”

  And Harley hangs up the phone!

  No!

  I call the next person – someone who will always help me – Mom.

  “Mom!” I say when she answers the phone. “Dad has been trapped inside the Dome of Silence with all the other Super Spies! He’s in big trouble! And so is the rest of the world if the spies can’t beat the Shadow Ninjas!”

  “That’s nice, dear,” Mom says calmly. “Just make sure you are home for dinner.”

  “Mom! You don’t understand! This is really, really, really bad! Dad is in trouble!”

  “Ok, Charlie,” she says softly. “Don’t worry about your Dad. He will be fine. He always finds a way out of these things.”

  “But this is different, Mom! This is really, really bad!”

  “You should read a dictionary, Charlie. You need to increase your vocabulary. Instead of saying ‘really, really bad,’ you could say words like ‘terrible,’ or ‘dreadful,’ or ‘frightful.’ You should spend more time doing homework on the weekends.”

  “But Mom-”

  “Your father will be fine, Charlie. Now, make sure you are both home for dinner. We are having my famous chocolate lasagna tonight.”

  And then she hangs up!

  Oh man, nobody is going to help me…

  Wait a minute, did Mom say chocolate lasagna? Yum! I will definitely have to make sure that we get home tonight!

  Maybe Mom is right. Maybe Dad will be fine.

  He is the best Super Spy in the world, after all.

  And he has captured the Head Ninja before.

  Yep. They will be fine.

  There is absolutely nothing for me to worry about. Nothing at all. Nope. I’m not going to worry. The Super Spies will be fine.

  Sitting back down behind the bush, I take a deep breath. I am just going to sit here and think about gen
tle things, like fairies and butterflies and monster trucks.

  But as I start to relax, I hear the hotdog phone buzz. It is a text message from Dad.

  Great. I’m sure it will say there is nothing wrong at all and that all the Shadow Ninjas have been captured.

  Calmly, I read the message.

  It says:

  GET HELP. NINJAS HAVE GOT US ALL.

  No!

  That is bad!

  I mean terrible. Or nasty. Or totally extreme.

  What am I going to do?

  Dad wants me to get help, but all the Super Spies are in the Dome of Silence. Who is going to help them?

  In a panic, I race back into the spy building and look for someone to help me. I need to tell someone that all the world’s best spies are in trouble!

  I run through the spy building, yelling for help, “Help! Help!”

  I run into the control room of the spy agency – nobody is there.

  The lunch room – not one person.

  The car-park – not a soul.

  I run into a room called, ‘The Invention Lab for People with Bad Ideas,’ and there is nobody there. All I see is a drink bottle made out of dirt, an astronaut suit for cats, a paper umbrella, and a rock pillow.

  I run into every room of the spy building…

  But there is nobody here!

  Everyone is in the Dome of Silence!

  There is nobody left to help me.

  Oh no…

  What do I do?

  Is it up to me to save the world?

  But the Shadow Ninjas are super fast and super smart. How could I stop them? I am only a sixth-grade kid.

  But I have to try!