Beauty in the Ashes

by Micalea Smeltzer

  “It’s your one year anniversary!” She clapped.

  “We haven’t been dating for a year,” I stated, looking at her like she’d lost her mind.

  She rolled her eyes and sat down on the bed beside me. “I meant you’ve been clean for one year.”

  “Oh.”

  Was it crazy that I wasn’t even aware a year had past?

  “We need to celebrate!”

  “We really don’t,” I replied. “Unless,” I grinned, “celebrating involves getting you naked?”

  “No,” she rolled her eyes. “Nice try.”

  I crooked an elbow over my eyes. “Then let me sleep.”

  “No,” she pulled my arm away. “You’re not going back to sleep. We’re meeting Kyle for lunch.”

  “I seriously don’t want to make a big deal out of this,” I told her.

  “But, Cael—”

  “It seems weird to celebrate the fact that I’ve managed to stay sober for a year,” I grumbled.

  “It’s an accomplishment you should be proud of.” She leaned towards me, her red hair tickling my bare chest.

  “I am proud of myself,” I defended, “but it seems like a stupid thing to make a fuss over.”

  “Don’t be a fun sucker,” she pouted.

  I chuckled and sat up, rolling on top of her. “Fine, I’ll go to lunch,” I kissed her, “but first I think I deserve a present, you know, since today is a celebration.”

  She wrapped her arms around my neck and her lips ghosted along my ear. “Your wish is my command.”

  ⌘⌘⌘

  “Hey!” Kyle greeted us at the restaurant. Balloons were tied to the chairs and confetti sprinkled the tabletop.

  “It’s not my birthday,” I stated. “So, what’s with all the birthday shit?”

  Leah clasped my hand. “We wanted to make it fun.”

  “I had plenty of fun all morning,” I chuckled.

  “Rub it in,” Kyle groaned and sat down.

  “What happened to Stephanie?” I asked him. “I thought things were good between you guys?”

  “She was too clingy,” he grumbled as he perused a menu.

  “And it sounds like you’re too picky,” Leah piped in. Looking across the table at Kyle, she said, “No one’s perfect, you have to give them the chance to prove that their flaws aren’t everything.”

  He set the menu down. “How insightful of you. I’m sure you have to overlook a lot of flaws with this one,” he pointed at me.

  I chuckled, running my fingers through my hair. The blond strands had grown too long and I knew it was time for a trim. “Flaws? I have no flaws?”

  Kyle and Leah both laughed at that.

  Conversation moved to my gallery. It was doing better than I ever thought it would. I’d named it Marayla’s a combination of my mom and sister’s names. I knew most people didn’t understand the name, but it wasn’t for them.

  I’d held my first workshop last week and the turn out had been more than I anticipated. It made me happy to do what I loved. Everything had worked out for me.

  Well, almost everything.

  I knew in my gut that it was time to see Sutton. I needed a proper goodbye with her. I’d moved on and I was sure she had too, but I knew I would never truly feel at peace until I apologized.

  As we left the restaurant, I said to Leah, “There’s somewhere I need to go.”

  “Oh.” Her face fell. “Do you want me to go with you?”

  “No,” I shook my head, squinting against the sunlight. “I need to do this on my own.”

  She nodded in understanding. I dropped her off at the gallery and headed to Sutton’s place.

  I kept going over in my mind what I wanted to say, but none of it felt right. To be honest, I was scared to face her. I’d hurt us both when I ended things, but it was what needed to be done.

  I parked my car and sat there for a few minutes, trying to muster up the nerve to get out and face this.

  Finally I jogged up the steps of the building and stopped outside her door.

  I knocked and no one came. I knocked again. Maybe she was at work. I could wait. If I left, I might never come back. I sat down on the ground beside her door, settling in for however long I had to stay.

  Twenty minutes later the door to Cyrus’ apartment opened. He startled at seeing me.

  “Gregory?” He rubbed his eyes. “Do my eyes deceive me? I wondered what happened to you.”

  I didn’t have time for Cyrus’ bullshit.

  “When will Sutton be back?” I asked, rising to my feet.

  Pity filled Cyrus’ eyes and I didn’t understand why. “She doesn’t live here anymore.”

  “Sh-she doesn’t?” I stuttered. Had she moved back to Texas? I couldn’t imagine her doing that, but maybe I didn’t know her as well as I thought.

  Cyrus nodded. “She’s been gone for months.” His mouth parted slightly in shock. “You don’t know, do you?”

  “Know what?” I asked, brows furrowing together in puzzlement.

  “Never mind,” Cyrus waved a hand dismissively.

  He started to pass me but I grabbed his arm in a tight hold and he was forced to stop. He glared at my hand until I dropped it. “Do you know where she’s living now?”

  “Yeah,” he replied. “I don’t know if it’s really a good idea for you to see her though.”

  “I have to,” I pleaded. “I need to see her. If you’re trying to protect me from being hurt by seeing her with a guy, it’s fine. I’ve moved on and I told her not to wait for me. I don’t expect anything from her. I just…I need to see her,” I pulled at the strands of my hair, yanking to the point that it was almost painful.

  “That’s not what I’m protecting you from,” Cyrus huffed. “I can see you’re not going to leave this alone.” He pulled his phone out and began to type. Seconds later my phone beeped. “There. Now go. And don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he muttered before storming off.

  I read off the address and headed for my car. It only took me fifteen minutes to get to her new place. It was another apartment, but these were bigger and nicer.

  I didn’t give myself any time to think as I got out of the car. I checked my phone again for the apartment number.

  When I stood in front of the door, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to prepare myself for what lay behind.

  I raised my fist and knocked.

  “Just a minute!” A male voice called out.

  A moment later the door swung open and I was face to face with Lap Dance Guy or at least that’s what I called him in my head. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. Even though Sutton had always denied that there was anything between them, I’d known better.

  Lap Dance Guy held a baby in his arms. As soon as my eyes landed on the baby an overwhelming sense of ownership flooded me. She was mine. I knew it. I felt like some physical force pulled me towards her, but I forced myself to step back.

  My body shook all over with shock. This was what Cyrus didn’t want me to see. Sutton had my baby and she never told me. I was hurt, sure, but I understood. I’d never contacted her once I was out of rehab, and I’d done everything I could to make sure I never saw her. I gave her no reason to trust me with our child. As my eyes scanned my daughter, I happened to get a glance at the man’s hand where it was wrapped around the wiggling bundle.

  They were married.

  I had expected her to move on, but to be married? And with a baby? My baby? Nothing could have prepared me for that.

  I swallowed thickly and muttered. “Sorry. I’ve got the wrong address.”

  I walked away.

  I walked away from the woman I’d once loved.

  I walked away from the baby I knew in my soul was my daughter.

  It was the right thing to do.

  I didn’t deserve to have them in my life. I may have gotten myself cleaned up and wasn’t doing too shabby, but I still didn’t feel good enough.

  I wasn’t a strong enough man for them. I hoped
her husband was loving and kind, and took good care of my girls. If he didn’t, I’d always be waiting in the shadows, ready to swoop in and save them.

  I wasn’t angry with Sutton.

  Instead, I felt peaceful. I understood now, that even when everything crumbled and your world turned to ash, there was still beauty—just like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

  Shoving my hands into the pockets of my worn jeans, I stepped onto the sidewalk, bracing my shoulders against the cold wind as I took the first real steps into my new life.

  A life without Sutton.

  A life without pain.

  A life worth living for.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  Sutton

  “Who was that?” I asked, coming out of the kitchen. I reached for Cayla and Memphis slipped her into my arms. He wrapped an arm around me, like he was trying to protect me. “What’s wrong?” I asked. I lovingly rubbed his cheek with the hand that wasn’t holding Cayla. My wedding ring sparkled in the light, and like every time since it’d been place on my finger a month ago I found myself smiling at it.

  A year ago, I never would’ve thought I’d be Memphis Allen’s wife, but I was and I couldn’t be happier.

  All he said was, “I think it’s time for you to mail those letters.”

  CHAPTER 37

  Caelan

  I hadn’t known what to think when all the letters arrived from Sutton. She’d labeled each one with a number so I knew to read them in order.

  They came only a few days after I’d left her place without seeing her. I guessed Lap Dance Guy had told her I showed up—and I really needed to stop calling him that.

  After I’d returned I told Leah where I’d gone and what I’d seen. She’d been upset at first, but once I told her about the baby she grew angry with Sutton. I explained to her that Sutton had every right not to tell me. I’d been nothing but a fuck up the last time she saw me and I’d made no effort to contact her since.

  As I read the letters I discovered she had tried to tell me, and when the letters returned to her unopened, she assumed I didn’t care. It broke my heart reading those letters. I’d never even seen them. The first handful was addressed to the rehab I’d been at, but they had a strict policy of zero outside contact. They’d been the ones to send the letters back. I wondered if I had gotten these if it would’ve changed things. I didn’t think so though. We were both exactly where we were always meant to be.

  I got to the last letter and it was dated only two days ago.

  Dear Caelan,

  I really don’t know what to say in this letter other than I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to tell you about the baby. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough for you. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m just…sorry. I know I’ve said that word so many times already in this letter that it’s bound to have lost all meaning.

  I was shocked when Memphis told me it was time to mail the letters.

  I’d given up on you and assumed I’d never see you again. I thought, and I hate to say it, that maybe rehab hadn’t worked out for you and you were in an even darker place than before. There were times I wondered if you’d died. I hoped you had moved away, or even that you hated me so much that you couldn’t bear to see me. Either of those things was better than the thought of you suffering. Why? Because, while my heart might now belong to Memphis, there is a part that will always be reserved for you. I care what happens to you. I want you to be happy and healthy and get your life figured out. I know I could’ve tried harder to contact you, but the fact of the matter was, I was terrified of what I might find out if I dug too deep.

  Memphis said you looked good. That makes me happy. I only want the best for you.

  I’m sure you figured out that Memphis is my husband. I hope you don’t hate me for moving on. You told me not wait for you, and at first I did anyway. I held myself back from any connection, but what I felt for him quickly overcame the pain of losing you.

  Despite that, I miss you every day. You had an overwhelming impact on my life and without you I wouldn’t be where I am. I wouldn’t have found my own self-worth and saw that I was worthy of sweet, pure love.

  Thank you for giving me our daughter. Within her I’ve found something worth fighting for. She’s given me the strength to seek help for my past. I want to be a better, stronger woman for her. So, I’ve been seeing a therapist. My doctor wanted me to see one a year ago, but I refused. Better late than never, right?

  Marcus came back a few months ago. I’d filed a restraining order against him a little while before and it didn’t sit well with him. He’s not in jail, but he’s being forced to get help. I’m keeping tabs on him. I’m not going to let him hurt me, our baby, or any other woman ever again.

  I don’t have your phone number, hence the letters, but you can call me anytime. I’d really like for you to meet our daughter. It was never my intention to keep her from you. We might not be together anymore, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be a family—an unconventional one, but a family nonetheless. I want the best for our daughter and she deserves to have her amazing daddy in her life. I know you’ll be great with her. She’s so wonderful and I love her so much. I want you to experience that.

  All the best,

  Sutton

  I read over the last letter three or four times. I reached up to feel moisture clinging to my cheeks.

  “Cael?” Leah asked from the doorway of my bedroom.

  I wondered what she thought as she saw me sitting there with all of those letters scattered over the bed.

  “Here, read them.” I told her. I had nothing to hide. She needed to read these as much as I did. I knew the past couple of days she had feared I regretted not being with Sutton. The thing was, I didn’t regret anything anymore. Regrets were really just puzzle pieces, they were all different shapes and sizes, but they fit together to make one large picture—the image of your life—and it wasn’t all that bad.

  Tears streamed down Leah’s face as she read the last one with a hand clasped over her mouth to stifle the sounds she made.

  “Cael,” she croaked, “you have to meet your daughter. You can’t stay away.”

  “I know,” I whispered. Taking her hand in mine, I added, “I can’t believe that I have a daughter. Isn’t that crazy? Me? A dad?”

  “It’s not crazy at all,” she replied, stroking my cheek with one hand. “You’re going to be an incredible dad.”

  My heart felt exceedingly full of love at the thought of my daughter. I wanted to hold her and sing to her and protect her from monsters—those that were real and merely fictional.

  “When are you going to meet her?” Leah asked, wiping away her tears and proceeding to pick up the letters.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ll have to call Sutton.”

  “Whatever you do,” she reached over and put a hand over mine where it rested on the bed, “don’t wait too long.”

  She was right. If I waited I’d talk myself out of it. I’d come up with some excuse as to why I wasn’t good enough for my daughter, how she deserved a better father. But I was her dad, and I was going to be in her life no matter what. I wasn’t going to fuck this up like I had everything else.

  I picked up my phone and called Sutton.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  Sutton

  The moment I saw the unknown number flash across the screen of my cellphone I knew it was Caelan.

  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, taking a moment to calm myself.

  My hand shook as I brought the phone up to my ear.

  “Hello?” My voice quaked with nerves.

  “Hi, Sutton.”

  It had been over a year since I last heard his voice and the moment he spoke it was like I could finally breathe. It was still the same low, throaty growl and instantly memories of the two of us flooded my mind.

  “How are you?” I asked. They were the only words I could force between my lips.

  “I’m good,” he replied. “I got your letters.”

&nb
sp; “I figured.” I paced the length of the living room as I talked to him, nervously fiddling with the hem of my shirt.

  “I want you to know that I didn’t send them back to you. I never got them.”

  “Oh,” I breathed.

  “Don’t feel bad,” he hastened to add, “but I didn’t want you to think I had ignored you.”

  “It would’ve been okay if you had,” I said, taking a seat at the dining room table. I was glad Memphis was at work and didn’t have to see me freaking out like this. He already worried far too much about me.

  “No, it wouldn’t have.” I heard him sigh and then he continued, “I’m sorry for the way I handled things with you.”

  “Sorry?” I was taken aback. “What do you possibly have to be sorry about? I think we might have had the most peaceful break-up in the history of break-ups.”

  He chuckled at that. “You’re not angry?”

  “Nope,” I assured him as I drew random designs on the table. “I understand why you did it. Let’s face it, if we hadn’t broken-up then, it would’ve happened eventually. We weren’t right together. Two people as messed up as we were…that only spelled disaster.”

  We both grew quiet.

  Eventually, when I knew he wasn’t going to speak, I said, “D-do,” I had to clear my throat, “do you want to meet her?”

  “Yes,” his voice cracked. It almost sounded like he was crying, but I didn’t think that was possible.

  I suggested we meet at Griffin’s on Saturday of the upcoming weekend. It would be neutral grounds and he wouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable by coming here.

  “Sounds good,” he replied.

  “I’ll see you then,” I smiled, even though he couldn’t see me. “And Caelan?” I added before he could hang up.

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you.” He didn’t need to ask what I was thanking him for. He knew.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  “Stop it,” Memphis commanded, grabbing my hand to cease the destruction my teeth were doing to my fingernails.

  “I’m nervous,” I mumbled, using my foot to rock Cayla’s carrier and keep her asleep. The last thing I wanted was for her to be fussy when Caelan got here.

  “It’s okay to be nervous,” Memphis assured me and he rubbed my shoulders. His words and gesture did nothing to ease my nerves. I couldn’t believe I was about to see Caelan after more than a year. For the last few days as I thought of him, I kept remembering the broken Caelan I’d seen in the hospital bed. He’d been so thin, and unhealthy looking.