Evermore

by Corinne Michaels

  I’m glad she isn’t somehow embedded in this group. Although I know these women and they would never be okay with the way she treated Ben.

  “Did you know her?”

  “Unfortunately. Ben and Liam were on the same team. I don’t know if you know that.”

  I shake my head.

  “That’s how he ended up at Cole. When he was injured, they offered him an admin job, allowing him to stay active, but, for these guys, that’s the equivalent of death. I know it’s dramatic, believe me.” She rolls her eyes. “I tell Liam all the time how ridiculous they sound, but they’re men who want to serve. They need to be out there, doing the things no one else can or most of the time want to. Having to sit at a desk and watch his brothers go out to do combat would eat him alive. Which is why I don’t think Jackson understands what he gives to guys like Ben.”

  Catherine smiles and her eyes fill with love. “He really loves them. It’s why we were on a plane in the middle of the night to get here.”

  “They’re devoted to the company, too, Cat.”

  “I saw it today.” I jump in, wanting her to know how Ben felt. “He was distraught about not being there for the guys.”

  “That’s how they are. They’re loyal to a fault to their team. I just wish they were all to their wives, but that’s another day,” Natalie says with a hint of frustration. Then she takes a sip of her coffee, tucking her legs under her. “But let’s get back to you and Ben bumping uglies.”

  The three of us sit on Lee’s deck, drinking coffee, laughing, and talking about the men in our lives. There’s no point in trying to keep it from them, they’ll just pester me or worse, ask Ben. After a few hours of chatting, her kids demand her attention, so Cat and I head out.

  “You know,” Catherine says with hesitation, “in the last few years, I felt like you’ve disappeared. I understood that you loved someone and there are times where love can consume you, taking you away, but with you, I didn’t see that. It wasn’t like you were deliriously happy. You were...distant. Today was the first time I felt like my best friend was herself again.”

  “Cat...”

  “No, I’m just saying, maybe you getting stood up at the alter was the best thing for you.”

  I let out a small laugh and shake my head.

  The thing is, I agree with her. If I had married Harold, I would be a shell of who I feel like I am right now. I’m free. I’m alive. I’m happy and that has to do with a choice that wasn’t mine being made for me.

  “Maybe his epiphany was actually good.”

  “I think it was.”

  “I have to thank you and Jackson, though. If it weren’t for this job, I would’ve stayed in New York, worked for some other law firm, hating life, and probably pining over a man who didn’t love me.”

  Catherine takes my hand. “I’m so happy for you, Gretch. I’m so glad you found Ben, too. It’s like a love story we dream of.”

  She’s such a romantic at heart. I love her for it.

  “It was like time never passed for us, you know?”

  Her phone rings and she looks down. “It’s Jackson, give me one second.”

  I nod.

  Catherine talks for a few moments and then she goes silent for a few heartbeats, before her eyes meet mine and I can see the fear. “I understand. I’m with Gretchen now.” Jackson must speak and her hand covers her mouth. “We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

  “Cat?”

  She hangs up, tears fill her vision and I know. Deep in my gut, I know it’s Ben.

  “We have to go.”

  “Where?”

  She straightens her back. “It’ll be okay. We just have to go.”

  I grab her arm. “Tell me.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “Then tell me!”

  Her hands grip my wrists. “There was an incident. Ben was hurt, but Jackson doesn’t have information. We need to go. Okay?”

  My heart seizes and I want to fall to the ground. He can’t be hurt. He’s not even in the military. Ben shouldn’t have been out there anyway. Just a few hours ago we were fine, happy, making love.

  “Is it bad?”

  Her lips purse. “I don’t know. I know it’s enough Jackson wanted us to get on a plane.”

  I get in the passenger seat, close my eyes, and say a prayer to let him be okay. I would never recover from losing him.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Ben

  “Well no one told you to be a fucking hero!” Mark grumbles as I wince, trying to move in the damn hospital bed.

  “Fuck you.”

  “No thanks, I’m all booked up with fucking my wife, but thanks for letting me know you find me attractive.”

  I’d like to kick his ass, but I can’t exactly move right now. “I got the kid, didn’t I?”

  “Yeah, but you had a whole team behind you, Pryce. All of us could’ve gotten in and out without anyone getting shot, but you had to be the idiot who went in trying to prove something.”

  It’s easy for him to say it. He came home in one piece. I didn’t and I’m still trying to find out how to live the way I once did. For the most part, I don’t have issues, but some days...it sucks ass.

  “You know, when you’re sitting over there with both legs, it’s a prick thing to do to point out the errors.”

  “Prick thing? How about rushing into a building that hadn’t been cleared or assessed? I think that’s a dick move.”

  He’s right. “I just...I felt alive again.”

  For the first time since my injury I was out there, doing something. No one was babying me. I was with my team, working to get the rest of our guys out of danger. In my gut, I knew they were there and the longer we waited, the more my mind ran through things I couldn’t bear.

  Mark’s anger dissipates. Thankfully, he doesn’t look at me with pity. I would have to find a way to punch him in the face.

  “I get that, but what happens now? What if you lose your arm, Ben?”

  “Ben?” Gretchen’s soft voice says from the door.

  “I’ll leave you two,” Mark says, looking at Gretchen. “He’s a lucky guy, Jilted. A lucky man and he’s a fucking idiot.”

  Her eyes meet mine. “I see.”

  “Get out, Twilight.”

  “Don’t break the bed, Hulk.”

  I flip him off and she moves toward me. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  She pushes her hair back, which is her nervous tell. “What happened?”

  I tell her a very loose version, not wanting to freak her out. My team was exemplary, they found their target and got him out, but in the process, they were pinned down. We train to work through every possibility, and thankfully, they left the skeleton crew back to handle any mishaps. They secured the kid, got word to us, and then we went in.

  The part I don’t tell her is that I wasn’t waiting for nightfall. I had an opportunity and I wasn’t going to lose it. By doing that, I could’ve gotten us all killed.

  Hell, if it weren’t for Mark and Jackson’s quick thinking, I definitely would be in a different room in the hospital right now.

  “And you were shot?” The fear in her voice, the red rims around her eyes tell me everything. “You...could’ve died because of it? Why would you do this? Why did you? What if something else happened? What if your injuries were worse than they are?”

  This shook her.

  “They’re not.”

  “God! You don’t know that, Ben. You’re not a doctor!”

  “No, but I’m not going to fucking stand aside when others are in danger. That’s not who I am!”

  Gretchen wipes a tear and turns her head, trying to hide her face. “I wouldn’t expect you to, but...you’re hurt now.”

  When she finally meets my eyes...I see it. I see the look I prayed I would never see again. Her eyes are haunted by realizing I’m not what she thought. I’m not safe, secure, or able to give her the life she wants. I’ll never fit into her life list. The one she
clings to.

  I’ll be the disappointment at the end, leaving her with more of a mess than walking away now. I have to let her go, allow her to find someone that can be the man she deserves.

  She needs to learn how to be free, and I won’t be the man to put her in a cage.

  “This is who I’ll always be, Gretchen. There’s no changing me into the lawyer you loved before. I’m a fighter. I won’t give up and if I die in the process—so be it. I will never give this life up.”

  She takes a step back. “What does that even mean?”

  “It means I’m not the right guy for you. I don’t want you to delude yourself that I will ever be him.”

  Her lips part and I hear the quick intake of breath. “I don’t understand. Why are you pushing me away?”

  Because I’m a coward and I can’t bear the idea of hurting you later, so I’ll do it now.

  “I’m not. I’m just illuminating you into the reality. It’s why I told you I was only showing you what a date was, I wasn’t actually dating you. I will never be serious about a woman again, so if that’s what you’re looking for...move on now and save us both the wasting of time.”

  Her eyes narrow. “You’re kidding me, right?”

  My heart is breaking as I look at the hurt that flashes in her face. “No, I don’t know what you thought we were doing. I was very clear from the beginning.”

  She steps forward, hands balled in fists, and I pray she hits me. Not that it would be anything like the pain I’m feeling by doing this.

  “You’re right, Ben. You were crystal clear. I’m so sorry for my mistake, it won’t ever happen again. Feel better.”

  Gretchen turns, trying to hide the pain in her eyes, and walks out the door, leaving me in more pain than the bullet wound in my shoulder.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Gretchen

  Heartbreak is such a stupid word. Hearts can’t break, but they can ache. And that’s what mine is doing now.

  I know it’s in there, still beating, because the aching that’s coming from my chest has me sobbing.

  Catherine drove me home without asking many questions. She just told me whatever I needed she’d be there for me—like always. I don’t know that I could’ve said a word without breaking out in tears. I needed to stay quiet because then I could bottle it up.

  Today, the bottle can no longer be contained.

  I thought I had it together. I really did. But it’s been two days and I can’t stop the tears from falling.

  “Gretchen, I’m worried.” Catherine’s voice is soft. “You weren’t like this after...” I look up, but my eyes hurt to open. She sighs and then continues. “I’m saying that you were up, not lying in bed like a lump after your wedding was cancelled. Your wedding, Gretch! To a man you were supposed to spend your life with and you spend a few weeks with Ben and you’re a mess.”

  “I’m fine,” I say defiantly.

  “You’re not.”

  “Okay, I’m not, but I will be.”

  Even I don’t believe it.

  How did Ben wound me so deeply? I thought we were more. I thought he could be everything. I was so ready for a life together and now...I’m alone.

  She sighs. “What happened?”

  “I’m an idiot.”

  “Well, I don’t believe that, but tell me so I can decide.”

  I roll over, pulling the blanket with me. “I really need to learn not to sleep with guys I work with. Shit! I’m going to be unemployed again.”

  I really liked this job. It was fun being around Mark, Natalie, the other SEALs and...him. There is something really unique about the way their company works and I was finally revising all their contracts to actually benefit them. Plus, there’s still the whole shady lawyer who seems to have disappeared.

  Now what the hell am I going to do?

  “You’re not going to be unemployed.” Catherine rolls her eyes. “If anyone will be, it won’t be you. I can assure you of that.”

  I don’t want Ben to lose his job. He needs it much more than I do. “Don’t even think about letting anyone go.” I grip her hand.

  “Okay. Just talk to me. I’m here and I want to help.”

  “And say what? Say that I was a fool who thought there was something there? I was so desperate to be loved again that I deluded myself that his fake dates were real? I wanted him so bad that I truly believed we made love. I thought each kiss was more than just him giving me a fucking gauge on what I should want from a man.”

  “You were fake dating? Like, it was just a show?”

  “Well, he was! I thought...I don’t know, but I was wrong.”

  I am really the absolute worst judge of character. I thought it was all real. Again, I fooled myself into wanting someone that didn’t want me back. How stupid am I?

  “I don’t understand.”

  I tell her about his brilliant ideas and how it felt...different. “It wasn’t acting, Cat. I swear, no one could act that way. He said it wasn’t at one point. Maybe...maybe the first date, but even then, the way he kissed me, held me, smiled at me, there’s no way that it wasn’t real. He was so honest that I still can’t reconcile it, you know? When it was Harold, I wasn’t even half this upset. I was almost...relieved to some extent because I knew. I knew it wasn’t real love. I knew that what we had was superficial at best and that I was only with him because he was my best shot at my stupid list. With Ben, he was my whole list.”

  “You love him.”

  “How?” I yell and sit up. “How can I love someone who was so...not in love with me. How can I love someone after just a few weeks?”

  Catherine shakes her head with a sad smile. “You really are an idiot.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “She’s right,” a deep voice says from the doorway. “You are an idiot, but I’m the biggest one.”

  There stands Ben, all six plus feet of him. His arm is in a sling, the beginnings of a beard are growing, and he has dark circles under his eyes. The hospital band is on his wrist and he’s cloaked in regret.

  “What are you doing here? How did you get in here?”

  “I have a key,” he says as he walks forward. “And as for why I’m here...well, I’m here to grovel, beg, and do anything for you to forgive me.”

  Catherine stands, moving to the wall. “That’s my cue.” I look to her, asking her with my eyes not to leave. What does the traitor do? Wink and then slink out.

  “I can’t talk about this,” I say to him. “I can’t hear any more from you.”

  The last time I loved someone, I hoped when they spoke, they’d fix what they’d broken. That didn’t happen. Instead, I was just reassured that I was fooling myself. With Ben, I thought it was different.

  I’d rather believe what we had was real than allow him to confirm it was a lie.

  “Please don’t...” I ask.

  “Just listen,” he says with pleading eyes. “I was so sure that you were going to walk away. I thought you saw me in that bed and it was the end. I spent the next four days angry at the world, the doctors, my friends, but mostly myself. It wasn’t you who saw me in that bed and wanted to leave, it was me.” I close my eyes, a tear leaking out as he explains. “I didn’t want to fail you and have you deal with less of a man. I thought if I could let you go, then you’d be free. Free to find someone who could love you better, but...”

  “But?”

  Ben sits on the bed, taking my hand in his. I marvel at how well we fit together. How just a simple touch like this can make me feel like all is right in the world. The fact that his closeness allows me to breathe easier. When we were kids, it was like that.

  He made everything seem just...better.

  I always felt that he would do whatever he could to make me smile.

  When I felt like I’d lost him again, my heart was decimated.

  “But I never want to know if that’s possible. I don’t ever want another man to touch you, know you, because he will never love you the way I do. I want to b
e there every night, fight with you, laugh with you, take you on a million dates, be the man that you see me as and continue to prove I can be that.”

  I shake my head and then touch his face with my hand. “You are that man.”

  “No. I’m not yet, but I plan to be...for you.”

  He is more of that man than anyone I’ve ever met. He came here, apparently straight from the hospital, to tell me he was wrong.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I confess.

  “Say you’ll forgive me for being an asshole. Tell me that there’s still a chance.”

  I look up into his chocolate brown eyes, knowing I never want to look at another’s. “I don’t think I could resist you if I tried. Just don’t ever push me away like that.”

  “I won’t.”

  “I’ll always be honest. If something is too much, I’ll tell you.”

  This is the one lesson I’ve learned. I can’t control the things around me, but I can control how I deal with them. Being honest is necessary. I used to let things get to be too much and then the issue was so much bigger than it had to be.

  “And I will trust that what you say is true.”

  I bring my lips to his. “We have a lot of trust issues between us. People who were supposed to love us have hurt us, but we don’t have to hurt each other. I don’t want the sins of our past to dictate our futures.”

  He nods. “Is that what you want?”

  “What?”

  “A future.”

  “With you?”

  Ben pushes my hair back, holding my face. “With me.”

  I close my eyes, resting my head against his. “Forever. You’ve always been my forever.”

  And then, we don’t say anything else. Because we’re much too busy to speak.

  Epilogue

  Gretchen

  ~Three Years Later~

  “Where is he?” I ask as I pace the bridal suite. If this happens to me again, I will lose my ever-loving mind.

  “He’ll be here,” Catherine says and then glances at Ashton before smiling at me.

  Ashton rubs her small baby bump and grumbles, “If he’s not, I’ll kill him. Doesn’t he care I’m stuffed in this dress that I’ve let out three times?”