Outcast

by Adrienne Kress

  We made it into town, and the lights calmed me down somewhat. I saw Lacy with some of the other cheerleaders and was about to wave to her, until I remembered that we weren’t supposed to really be friends. It was so complicated keeping the fake relationships and the real relationships straight.

  Then we were through town and riding up the drive and stopping in front of the house. Almost like we’d never left. It was a strange feeling.

  “Did you see Lacy?” asked Gabe as he took my helmet.

  “Yeah, I almost waved.”

  “She wouldn’t have liked that.”

  “No.”

  We walked up the steps to the veranda and stopped on the front porch.

  Gabe was quiet for a moment, and I could tell there was something on his mind. Finally he blurted out, “You think we can do this?”

  My heart was beating a mile a minute now. “Do what?”

  “Shooting down the angels.”

  Oh that. Looked like I wasn’t the only one thinking about it then. “I dunno.”

  “Well, we all know you can, but the rest of us…even after all the training…”

  “We can do it.” I didn’t want to think about what would happen if our plan didn’t work. If we accidentally, say, shot a person. Even if we didn’t hit anything, we’d still probably be arrested. And with Pastor Warren’s tight grip on the town…we could seriously be in trouble. The only way to prove that we were right was to hit an angel.

  “Okay,” said Gabe.

  “Okay? That’s it?”

  “If you say so, I believe you.”

  Really? Why? “Okay.”

  He seemed to relax after that conversation, like he’d been keeping it inside for a while. He smiled. I smiled back.

  So, Gabe, we’re standing outside, end of date…anything else aside from strategic planning?

  He walked up to the door and opened it for me.

  I guess not.

  “Thanks.” I walked inside with him close behind and wandered through the foyer to the back staircase.

  “So…goodnight then I guess,” I said as we stood in the darkened hallway.

  “Goodnight.”

  We looked at each other. It seemed like he might be thinking about trying to kiss me. Or maybe he was still thinking about shooting angels. It was hard to tell. It looked like I was going to have to make the first move, and I didn’t know what to do. Was there something special a girl did when she wanted a guy to kiss her? What kind of signal was a signal?

  “Thanks so much for dinner, that was fantastic,” I said and I grabbed him in a tight hug. It took him a moment before I felt his arms around me in return, but then they were there and holding me. We pulled apart, and I gave him one last smile before heading upstairs. Finally I could rush into my room and dive under the covers and feel stupid and amazing and totally regretful that I hadn’t just gone in for a kiss instead.

  I pulled the covers off my head, and lay there in my red dress for a moment. That was my first date. Ever. I think it’d gone pretty well, but, of course, maybe he’d be upset that we hadn’t kissed. But I’d wanted to kiss him, I had. And anyway, he knew that I didn’t know what I was doing, and why didn’t he try? I mean he’d been the one taking me through all the steps anyway.

  Maybe, and I sat upright. Maybe he didn’t want to kiss me. But we’d had so much fun. That doesn’t matter, I told myself. Maybe he realized that we were better as friends.

  But he thought I was beautiful.

  Like the bayou.

  I threw off the covers, it was way too hot for them anyway, and changed into my Daddy’s Columbia T-shirt. I hadn’t worn it since that night, I wasn’t sure why, there were too many connections to it. But I felt like wearing it now.

  In fact…

  I climbed quietly down the stairs, out the side entrance and made my way over to the swing. I sat down feeling a strange sense of déjà vu. The Taking was only a week away. There were other more important things to think about than kissing boys and going on dates. I breathed in the moist air and tried to clear my head. I was getting pretty good at clearing my head, which was helpful, seeing as it could get pretty messy in there. I felt calm. I felt…ready.

  And then I saw him, out of the corner of my eye. I hadn’t realized I’d seen him at first, but then it registered, and I turned and watched as Gabe sat down next to me.

  “Hey,” I said quietly.

  He leaned into me so quickly I didn’t see it coming.

  Suddenly, he was kissing me.

  It was warm and soft…he brought one hand up gently behind my head and the other circled around my waist, pulling me in close to him. He was kissing me and…and I was kissing him back. My arms went around Gabe’s neck, and my mouth moved under his without me having to think about what to do or how to do it. It was like breathing underwater, only effortless and slow and floating. I could hear my heart beating, and I could feel Gabe’s pulse along the side of his neck.

  When we pulled apart, it was like somehow we both knew it was time.

  “Step seven: goodnight kiss. I’m sorry, I should have warned you,” he said.

  “I think it was better this way.”

  “So if I want to kiss you again, I shouldn’t bother telling you?”

  “Not if you don’t want—” And he was kissing me again.

  I laughed a little, which didn’t feel wrong even though I’d always thought these kinds of moments were meant to be deadly serious, and I could feel him smile beneath my lips. This second kiss was more intense, and his hand started to move down my waist to my thigh. I remembered I was in just a T-shirt and pushed away.

  “Too much,” said Gabe realizing instantly.

  “This entire night has been too much. Not in a bad way…but…”

  “But maybe that’s enough for one night.”

  “Yeah.”

  Gabe looked at me with a soft smile, and even though I still couldn’t read what he was thinking, for once I didn’t mind. I smiled back and found making eye contact with him suddenly the most natural thing in the world. He pushed a stray hair around my ear, and it felt wonderful.

  “Okay, so now I guess goodnight really,” he said standing and offering me a hand.

  “I think, I’ll stay up a bit longer. It’s this thing I do in summer. Sit here . . . think . . . ”

  “About me?” He grinned.

  “Don’t flatter yourself.” Of course about you.

  “Well, have a nice night, then.” He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead, and I couldn’t help myself. I grabbed his collar with both my hands and brought his lips back to mine one last time.

  “Sorry,” I said as we broke apart.

  “I’m not. But now I really have to go, otherwise, I’m worried you might take advantage of me or something.”

  “Oh, just go to bed.” I laughed and watched as he returned to the house, taking the long way back and disappearing around the far end to the front veranda.

  I couldn’t stop grinning and hugged my knees into my chest. I stared out into the forest and the lights from the town seemed that much brighter, that much prettier.

  Then it was there. Standing in my view maybe thirty feet away. It just appeared, out of nothing, but when it did it was like it had always been.

  The ghost thingy.

  Staring at me.

  I stood up quickly, and without a second thought I called out, “I want to talk to you.”

  You do?

  “I do.” I replied. My gut clenched, and instantly I felt it betraying my true emotions.

  You do not.

  “No, I really do.”

  Not yet.

  Then, just like that, it was gone.

  And the next morning, so was Gabe.

  40.

  At first it wasn’t a big deal. I’d slept in, utterly exhausted from all the crazy emotions I’d expended the night before. I made myself a late breakfast and carefully avo
ided the issue of last night’s date with a simple, “Fine,” when my mother couldn’t hold it in any longer and just had to ask. She’d obviously decided to skip going to the Church of the Angels this morning to be there when I woke up.

  “Where’s Gabe this morning?” she followed up with. I could tell she was biting her tongue, could tell that she really wanted to sit down and have me go through every minute of last night with her.

  “What do you mean?” I asked sipping some orange juice.

  “His bike’s gone, haven’t seen him all morning.”

  I put down my glass and looked at her. She didn’t seem all that concerned, and I guess it made sense. After that period in the winter when he’d been away so much, and now with the two of us gone every day—working on his place, she assumed—it wasn’t such a big deal to discover he was gone.

  But I knew we weren’t meeting up until this afternoon at his place, and it did surprise me that he’d have left so early.

  “I guess he wanted to get started today first thing,” I said, finishing my juice and taking my plates over to the sink. “Is it okay if I take your car early today?”

  Mother nodded. When Daddy was back we had two cars, and for the last couple months her car had practically become my own. Asking was just a formality, really.

  I got dressed, pulled my hair back into a ponytail, and left right away. I was at Gabe’s in record time, but there was no sign of him. Not even his bike. I parked the car and stepped out, wandering around back. No one. I still had some time before the others showed up, so I walked over to Etta Mae’s, but again no bike. No Etta Mae, for that matter, and then I remembered it was Sunday, and she was probably at church in New Adamstead.

  So I went back to Gabe’s and sat myself on the dock to wait. Wherever he’d gone, he’d be sure to be at practice on time. We only had a few days left now until the Taking, and my army had promised, after yesterday’s day off, that we’d be working those last few days solid.

  True to their word, the rest of the team showed up not only on time, but early. Lacy was the first to show, and I knew right away why that was.

  “So?” she said running over to me. “How did it go? How was your hair?”

  I laughed, and she sat next to me, her eyes wide with anticipation. “It was really nice,” I replied. “We went to this really cool restaurant for dinner, danced…”

  “And…?”

  “And…” I couldn’t help but blush a bit. “He kissed me.”

  “Was it totally amazing?” She was bouncing on the spot. It was very cute.

  “Yeah. Totally amazing.”

  “I always thought he looked like a great kisser.”

  “I don’t have much to compare it to…”

  “And…”

  “And? That’s it. We just kissed, nothing else…”

  “No, I meant the hair. Was it okay?”

  I laughed again. “Yes, it was fine. Totally held up.”

  “Well, that’s a relief.”

  There were some voices off in the distance. The Alexander brothers had arrived. “Lacy, I’d like to keep this just between us for now. Is that cool?”

  “Totally.” She smiled conspiratorially at me.

  The brothers were in good spirits, and so was Father Peter who was actually smiling at Wild Frank’s jokes. It looked like that day off turned out to be just what the doctor ordered. Everyone seemed relaxed and ready to work.

  But Gabe still hadn’t shown up.

  “Where’s McClure?” asked Curtis looking at me.

  “I don’t know. He was gone before I got up this morning.” I saw Lacy try to hide a grin, and I realized how that had sounded. “My mother was the one who noticed first,” I added, hoping that would make it sound a little more innocent—which it was.

  “That’s weird,” said John, and Daniel nodded.

  “I’m sure he’ll show up soon,” said Father Peter standing. “We should probably get started.”

  We all agreed with Father Peter, and in short order we were in full practice mode. But as the day wore on and there was still no sign of Gabe, I just couldn’t focus. Fortunately, that didn’t seem to affect my shooting in the least, which evidently I could do as naturally as walk. But I was too concerned to take a moment to appreciate what that meant.

  Despite Gabe’s absence, the day went really well and everyone parted ways in good spirits. I hoped, as I pulled up my driveway, that I’d see Gabe waiting for me on the front porch. But it was my mother instead, sitting on the bench, sipping a lemonade. When she saw the car, she stood up.

  I turned off the engine and got out. As I approached her, I knew something wasn’t right. My mother wore her feelings on her face like a fashionable accessory.

  “What, what is it?” I asked climbing up the stairs to meet her.

  “Honey,” she said, taking my hand and guiding me to the bench, “we need to talk.”

  “What’s going on?” I asked sitting down. I was glad to do it. My legs had turned to jelly with her statement.

  “I have some bad news.”

  “Is Gabe dead?” I asked quickly. It might have sounded extreme, but it was the first thought that hit me. After all, the last boy I’d really cared about had vanished from my life as if he’d been killed, so why not Gabe?

  “Oh darling, no, no of course not!” My mother pulled me into her and held me in an awkward hug. “Why would you think that?”

  “Well, you look like someone’s died, and Gabe’s been missing all day…” I said into her chest.

  She released me and looked at me carefully. “Gabe’s gone, dear.”

  “Gone?”

  Mother nodded and pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket.

  “I found this taped to the front of the door. You must have missed it when you hurried off.”

  I took the note with a shaking hand. I absolutely had no desire to read it, but at the same time knew I had to.

  Riley,

  I have to leave. This ain’t my home, this ain’t my time. Thanks for everything. You mean a lot to me. I hope someday we can meet again. Right now, I’ve got to find my own way.

  Sorry.

  Gabe.

  I flipped it over, but that was it. “That’s it?” I asked.

  “I know, honey, but he was always straight to the point.”

  He was, I guess. But also…he wasn’t. He was able to say some pretty deep stuff, tell jokes, make you feel better when you were down. He was able to compare girls to swamps.

  Then again, this was exactly the kind of note Gabe would leave. Simple, direct. No embellishments. What was I thinking? This was the note Gabe left.

  But what about last night?

  “Sweetheart…”

  “Don’t!” I said sharply and looked at her. “Don’t call me that.” I crumpled up the note and threw it away. “This is bullshit.”

  “Language, Riley.”

  “I don’t care, Mother. I don’t. If there was ever something that was bullshit, it’s this. Why would he just leave like this? Without even saying goodbye?”

  “I don’t think he could handle a goodbye, Riley. I think that’s why he left like that…” My mother tried to push my hair out of my eyes, but I pulled away.

  “Well, it’s not fair! It’s not fair at all! So he can’t handle a goodbye, so what? Deal with it. He can’t do this to me. He can’t!” I was crying now, hot tears streaming down my face.

  “You’re right, honey, he’s behaved really badly. But I don’t think he did it to hurt you. I think he thought he was sparing your feelings.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “Riley.”

  “Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!” I yelled each word louder than the last until I was practically screaming in her face. I was so angry, I felt crazy. I could barely see through my tears now, but I could still recognize her hurt expression. Well, I didn’t care. Maybe she didn’t like my reaction, but she was
n’t the one who’d just been dumped in a note by a guy that mattered so much more than just a boyfriend. He was the friggin’ co-leader of an army, for crying out loud, and I really didn’t think I could lead our team without him.

  Oh, screw that. He was my best friend.

  “Riley,” said Mother softly, but I stood up and pushed past her, running down the steps and out into the forest. The sun had almost completely set by now, and it was even darker in amongst the trees. But I kept running. I didn’t know where I was going or what my plan was. I didn’t care. I just didn’t know what to do with all my rage, and running and crying seemed the best plan at the moment. Of course, they weren’t always the best combination, and I tripped on a root, falling hard on my face.

  I lay there, face down in the moist earth. I didn’t pick myself up, I didn’t do anything. I just started to full-out sob. It was pouring out of me, the stress from the last year, the confusion of what it all meant, and my heartbreak at being left again by someone I…by someone I cared about. I started to laugh through my tears. Even in a moment of total desperation I was still self-censoring. I couldn’t even admit to myself what my real feelings for Gabe were.

  Which were…

  Come on, Riley…

  Just say it…

  Stop being such a baby, Riley.

  Riley.

  Oh, so now it wanted to talk.

  41.

  My head snapped up and I saw it, standing right over me, looking down at me. I should have noticed the cold first, I guess, but it’s hard to feel cold when your body is numb. I couldn’t even feel the hard ground beneath me anymore.

  “Right, this is when you decide to show up.”

  Riley.

  “You and Gabe, always saying my name as if it’s all meaningful and stuff. It isn’t, okay? It isn’t. It’s just a name.” The thought of Gabe and the way he’d say my name like that and just look at me as if we were sharing a private thought, when really I had no idea what he was thinking at all…the thought of Gabe… “He left me…” The emptiness inside seemed to spread up and out. I doubled over from the pain.