Outcast

by Adrienne Kress

  He didn’t.

  “Yes, he did. You weren’t there. You don’t know.”

  Riley, I’m always there.

  I shook my head. “That’s a lie. You left me. You just went and then didn’t come back. Okay, you show up last night to tell me you can’t show up, but that’s it! And you just had to say that stupid thing about the obvious question, and then I couldn’t ask it, and that was so unfair.”

  I’m always with you. Have always been with you. Since the beginning. I see everything that happens.

  “Shut up! Just shut up!”

  I am.

  “Stop lying!” At least now I had an outlet for my rage. “You showed up for the first time last fall. And then you left. You left! Why does everyone leave me…”

  I’ve been with you since you were an idea, Riley. I’ve been with you before even that. You only see me now because you want to. You haven’t seen me in months because you didn’t want to see me.

  “Yes I did! Of course I did. I needed to ask you stuff. About the Circle and all the plans I was making…I wanted to…” But as I said it I couldn’t help but feel the ghost thingy had a point. I knew I’d wanted to ask the questions, but maybe, well…maybe deep down I hadn’t been ready for the answer. I pulled my legs out from beneath me and hugged my knees to my chest.

  It takes deep strength for you to see me. Speak with me. That is why you feel so cold. That is why you always fall unconscious afterward. It takes a lot of energy to create me as a corporeal being.

  I could feel my anger slowly being replaced by confusion and sadness.

  Riley.

  “You know what?” I looked right at it. “All this trying to explain things to me out of context really isn’t helping. Either start from the beginning or go away.”

  I can’t go away.

  “That…that wasn’t my point.”

  What is your point?

  I buried my face in my knees. I don’t know, I don’t know what my point is. “I can’t do this. Not now. I don’t want to. Please just go away and leave me alone.”

  I cannot.

  “Of course you can. You always do. You show up, say some shit, act all mysterious, then I fall asleep, and you vanish. That’s the routine. So can you just go now instead of us having to go through all that.”

  Are you tired?

  “Yes.”

  There was a pause for a moment. Ah, that is a joke.

  I looked up at it. “What?”

  You joke. That is a joke. You are not tired but you said you are. Is that not a joke?

  “No.”

  I do not understand jokes.

  “I’m tired. I’m exhausted. With everything…all of it. And now Gabe…” I choked on his name.

  And then…then the ghost thingy actually interrupted me.

  But do you not see that for the first time all of who you are wants me here? Do you not see that you are so much stronger now? You are tired superficially but feel deep down that you are not tired. All these months of training, your self-confidence. For the first time you are totally open to me, you want me. It is very nice for me.

  “I don’t understand…”

  Don’t think. Feel. Feel the difference.

  I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep. But not because I felt that familiar pressure, that wave of exhaustion overcoming me like what usually happened when the ghost thingy showed up, but because of everything that had happened today.

  Maybe the creature made a point.

  I closed my eyes and tried to wade through all the emotions on the surface to find something deep inside that would give me some clue as to what the hell the ghost thingy was going on about.

  I want help.

  The thought was profound. I didn’t think I’d ever really thought it before. I want help. I’d felt the need for help, but whenever it was offered I really usually just wound up doing my own thing anyway. Even with Gabe, and his ability to make me feel like I was making the right choices, and that I wasn’t alone…I still could have got by. Would have had to.

  The mystery around the Circle of Seven. I could have just asked the ghost thingy, I realized, but I hadn’t. Of course, at the time I’d thought that it was because the ghost thingy just wouldn’t reappear, but I’d been more interested in doing the research myself…talking to Father Peter…

  Then there was the matter of the obvious question. Whatever that was.

  Wanting help instead of needing help. Being open. I felt…open.

  I opened my eyes.

  “What are you?”

  I’m a guardian.

  The creature sounded pleased, almost proud. And then it was sitting next to me. At least, it looked like it was sitting, and yet I knew somehow that it wasn’t. That whatever this guardian thing was, it didn’t do things like stand and sit and walk. It just appeared like it did.

  How I knew any of that…I had no idea.

  “You’re what?”

  I’m a guardian.

  “What’s a guardian?” I asked.

  I am.

  I couldn’t help but smile. This guardian was so literal it was almost funny. Almost. “Explain to me the job of a guardian. Why are you called a guardian? Who are you…guarding?” I hoped that would be clear enough for it.

  A guardian is sent by the Circle of Seven to watch over a spirit. We are called guardians because we stand sentinel by earth-bound spirits that are vulnerable in their human shells. I am guarding you.

  Though it was the first real answer it had given me, I didn’t feel like I understood any better.

  “What do you mean by ‘earth-bound spirits’?” I asked quietly.

  Beings not of the earth that are trapped on the earth.

  “I…don’t get it. Like what would you say is a being not of this earth but trapped here?”

  There are many.

  “Give me one example.”

  Fallen angels.

  That didn’t make any sense to me. “Why would you protect fallen angels? I thought they’d fallen because they’d done something wrong.”

  We do not protect. We watch. We help. We report back to the Circle when they ask us.

  What? No. Really? No. “Okay. So let me get this straight: you’re a guardian…wait a second. Are you a guardian angel?”

  Yes.

  “You’re an angel?”

  This surprises you.

  Of course this surprises me. “Well, I mean, kind of. It’s really confusing. I used to assume angels were like people, but with wings. And then you said that the Circle of Seven took people in that bright light Etta Mae saw so then I thought maybe angels were just that, light. I know they don’t look like Gabe looked when he was a Thrall, even though that’s what the town thinks. And you…you just look freaky…so knowing what you are just by looking at you?…A bit impossible really.”

  Angels do not have form. We are what you see us as. We cannot choose. The Circle of Seven are Archangels, and they can choose form. They can choose to be seen or not to be seen. But we cannot.

  “Okay. So Angels take any form we humans choose to see them as.”

  No. Only to earth-bound spirits and those affected by our power.

  “Sorry?”

  You said humans choose to see us, but most humans cannot. Only those humans affected by our power can see us.

  “And earth-bound spirits.”

  Yes.

  “Right.” I took a deep breath. “You do realize that none of that makes sense.”

  Yes it does.

  I shook my head. “No, it doesn’t. I think you’re forgetting something.”

  Am I?

  “Yes.”

  What am I forgetting?

  “I can see you.”

  I have not forgotten that. That would be a strange thing to forget with us speaking right now.

  “My point is I can see you. And I’ve never bee
n “affected” by an angel’s power as far as I know, and I’m obviously no earth bound spirit.”

  There was a silence that followed. The guardian was watching me, anticipating something.

  “Uh…” I said suddenly understanding what it must be thinking, “have I been affected by an angel’s power?” How creepy did that sound…

  No.

  I exhaled, not realizing I’d been holding my breath in the first place. Well, that was a relief. But then, if I hadn’t…

  “Why are you following me?”

  Silence.

  “Why? Why me, why…” The inside of my mouth was getting dry, my throat closing up. Don’t tell me something I can’t handle, Guardian, ’cause today I’m a bit fragile. But even as I thought it, I knew that that was wrong. I had never been more ready.

  And then there it was. Floating right there in my consciousness like a big flashing neon sign surrounded by smaller flashing neon signs shaped like arrows pointing at it.

  The obvious question.

  “What am I?”

  42.

  You are of the Nephilim. And I am your Guardian.

  It said it so simply, so matter-of-factly, that for a moment my response was similar. Oh, I’m Nephilim. Okay. That’s interesting and a little unexpected.

  But then my emotions took over. Then I realized what this guardian ghost angel thingy had just said to me, and I could feel my breath get shallow, my heart start to race.

  “Are you saying I’m not human?” Panic now. These were too many feelings to feel in one evening.

  You are of the Nephilim.

  “Yeah, I get that, but what does that mean?”

  It means you are a great spirit. A warrior.

  Bullshit. The word of the day.

  “Okay, let’s pretend for a second that’s true,” I said trying desperately to form coherent thoughts in the mess that was my brain at the moment. “How am I one of these Nephilim things? That doesn’t make sense. I’m just a…just a girl.”

  Nephilim are born of human women. Your sire was a fallen angel.

  I knew that. I’d read all about that. Still: “What?” Brain not computing.

  You are the child of a human woman and fallen angel. That is why you are a spirit but bound to this earth.

  “Are you saying my Daddy’s an angel?”

  A fallen angel.

  Slow down there, Sparky. You’re telling me… “My physics professor father, the guy who doesn’t believe in going to church, whose religion is science, you’re saying that he is a fallen angel.”

  No.

  “No?”

  No. The man who you live with is not your father.

  Of all the things the guardian had told me, of all the impossibly fantastical, life- changing things, that was the arrow to the heart. That hit deeper than any of them.

  “You’re wrong.”

  That is not possible.

  “You are wrong.” Fear building up again, like water rushing to the top of a well…

  Riley, there would be no reason for me to be with you if you were not what you are.

  “Well, maybe you made a mistake.” I didn’t even believe it myself. But I’d rather try to believe anything other than Daddy not being my Daddy.

  No.

  “I…this is all too much…this is all too overwhelming…” It was the only thing I could think to say.

  No, it is not.

  I glanced at the creature sideways. “No? I don’t think you can tell me that. I happen to know that, right now, I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed.”

  If you were not ready for this moment, we would not be having this conversation. Remember. You are not tired.

  I wasn’t tired. I wasn’t tired in the least.

  You are ready.

  “I don’t feel ready.”

  The guardian didn’t respond. It appeared to be thinking again. Maybe it was confused, unable to understand why, when I supposedly had willed this conversation, I didn’t want to have it. Was it capable of feeling confused? Was it capable of feeling?

  It was absurd, but I kind of wanted to put it at ease.

  I couldn’t believe I was asking this. Quietly, and with great reluctance I said, “Who is my father, then?”

  That I cannot tell you.

  Of course you can’t. “Is it because you don’t know, or because you’ve signed some kind of confidentiality agreement or something?”

  Confidentiality agreement?

  “It was a joke.”

  That time it was a joke? Jokes confuse me.

  “To be fair, my jokes tend to confuse a lot of people. So why, then, why can’t you tell me who my real father is?” The word “real” caught in my throat so the rest of the sentence came out like a squeak.

  Because I do not know who he is anymore.

  “Anymore?”

  When you were an idea, before you were an idea, I knew his name. But now I do not. My past began when you were born.

  “Wow, that makes, like, no sense.”

  It is not about sense but about truth. I am because you are. What I was before is what you were before you were. Do you remember what you were before you were you?

  “Are we talking pre-birth?”

  Yes.

  “Well, no.”

  So you understand.

  “…not really…”

  I wiped the drying tears from my face and sighed. I was at the “I’ve purged every possible emotion from my system and now I have nothing left” point in the conversation. Nothing resonated with me. Nothing was staying with me. Ideas bounced off my skin into the damp earth. I’m rubber…you’re glue…

  And then a thought. “Do you know what’s going to happen to Gabe? Where he is? Where he’s gone?”

  I cannot see the future. But he doesn’t belong to you, Riley. You cannot keep him.

  “I’m not one of the damn Circle. I know he doesn’t belong to me. He is…was…my friend.” I couldn’t say boyfriend, I just couldn’t. Besides, our friendship seemed more meaningful at this moment, more important to me than the romance that might have been.

  Good.

  Suddenly I was aware of reality. Namely I was aware of how late it was, how I’d been sitting on a patch of wet earth that had now seeped into my clothes and was making me even colder than what I felt when with the guardian. I also imagined my mother was probably in a panic, as well as deeply hurt by the way I’d reacted.

  “I have to get home,” I said and stood up. My legs ached to do it, and I felt so heavy, like I could barely carry my own weight. The guardian stood too. Except, of course, it didn’t. It just appeared to be standing, as if it had never appeared to have been sitting. It didn’t make any sense, but every movement it made seemed to erase the existence of the movement before. The guardian was right. It had no past.

  I turned to leave but knew I couldn’t really leave it. So I walked home with it next to me, a glowing presence at my side. When we arrived at the house, I turned to look at it.

  “You can’t come in with me,” I said.

  I know.

  It seemed almost sad.

  “Okay, then.” I felt a little awkward. “So, we’ll talk again soon?”

  We will.

  I nodded and then made my way up onto the veranda. With a deep breath, I grabbed the doorknob and stood still for a moment. I’d need some serious courage to confront my parents about all of this. But it was time. It was stupid that I’d waited this long. I should have told them that first night, when I’d shot Gabe in the face.

  And then I heard something. But it wasn’t something in the moment. It wasn’t a noise from inside, or the guardian talking in my head again. It was something the guardian had mentioned back in the forest, and I heard it now as if for the first time. As if the sound had had to travel a great distance to get to me.

  I turned around sharply. The guardian was right where I left it. “Wait,” I said pointing at it
. “Did you say warrior?”

  43.

  Sitting inside the tool shed was a definite flashback. I hadn’t actually ventured inside since back when I’d been holding Gabe prisoner. Was it odd that I missed those few days in that first week? They’d been so…wacky. Now all the drama, all the everything, it felt stupidly normal. Even this, sitting opposite the guardian glowing in the corner seemed strangely everyday.

  Now, I’d already learned some of the mythology around Nephilim, but all the pieces of information I’d read seemed to conflict with each other. I said as much to my guardian, but as it explained, it turned out that, in fact, the myths all kind of worked well with each other.

  Nephilim, the guardian was saying, are great warriors. There was a time when the Circle of Seven would recruit them on behalf of different leaders in history. Often the Circle would change Nephilim so they appeared as beasts or giants. At times they gave them wings to fool others into thinking they were angels.

  “Why would they do that?”

  To win a war it is not just a matter of being strong physically. There is strategy and psychology.

  My guardian was talking psychology now?

  The Circle of Seven has always known that the human heart is fragile and vulnerable to more than just physical pain. Fear can achieve great ends without ever having to shed blood. Awe as well. Fighting an army of beasts or giants or angels can inspire change without the loss of life.

  “Well, actually, that’s kind of a good way of doing things I guess. But what makes Nephilim so special?” What makes me so special?

  Half human, half angel, Nephilim can see beyond what humans can. They can see angels. Talk with them. They can see and communicate with Thralls. They see the line between the earth-bound and the other side. They are great warriors with natural instincts. Quick. They are very clever. The Nephilim choose who to help, who to speak with. Their ability to choose is a power almost greater than their personal abilities.

  I thought about this and shook my head. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can be one of the Nephilim. I’ve never talked with angels or Thralls. And I am certainly no warrior.”

  I heard a ringing in my head. It was hard to place, but for all the world it seemed like the guardian was laughing at me.