Elf Mastery

by Bryant Reil

“Can I help you?” Elial Ciana towered behind her. She hadn't seen him, and now just stood nervously with her mouth open. “I'm afraid I have no deliveries for you today, Kyla.”

  “Oh...I just...I...” Kyla couldn't think of an excuse to be here, but decided as Elial was in charge of the department, it must be alright to tell him.

  “When I was at the star station last week I found this meteorite that flew in the balcony and the dwarf said I could keep it so I took it home, but then he tracked me down when I was on the way to the Fall Ball and said I couldn't have it and I needed to send it back, but I forgot so I'm doing it now but I don't remember the name of the station and there weren't any Steeds of Light in the hangar. Which portal should I take?”

  Elial raised an eyebrow. “He came here and found you?”

  “Yes, he said it was” and she switched to a whisper “a military secret and I shouldn't tell anyone.”

  Elial frowned. “Kyla, you should know that nothing goes through here without my permission. This includes military communiques. May I see the rock?”

  Kyla slowly drew the meteorite from inside her waistband where she had been holding it and handed it to Elial. He took it and looked it over, frowning.

  “Did he mention what it was?”

  “No.”

  “This may be a military secret, Kyla, but it isn't meant for your dwarf friend. I will send it to his commanding officer and see what he makes of it. In the meantime, be careful, and if you see the dwarf again let me know. Do you by chance know his name?”

  “Linkin, I think.”

  “Thank you, Kyla. Now, I've been led to believe you're off to see Denzig today?”

  “Yes. He's taking me to Whitehall. The human town. I hope that's ok.”

  Elial shrugged. “A bit risky, perhaps, but if you're with Denzig I think you'll be fine, and we elves have an easier time blending in. I myself like to take in a show from time to time. You should know, however, that the portals aren't for personal use. You shouldn't be using them unless you are delivering a message.”

  Kyla drew a letter from her waistband. “I am. I wrote him a thank-you note for making me dinner.”

  Elial smiled. “Way to beat the system. Have fun.”

  “Ok.”

  Elial smiled and walked off. Kyla smiled after him.

  ***

  Denzig pulled the brown knit cap over Kyla's ears. “Perfect!” he said. “You look just like 'em. Now remember, don't talk to them about magic, or fairies, or stars, or dragons, or...you know, avoid talking to them as much as possible.”

  “You know I used to think this was illegal,” Kyla mentioned. “Visiting humans and stuff.”

  “Well, no, but you do need to be careful not to draw suspicion. We don't want them learning about us. They may be animals but they are cleverer than squirrels and badgers and the like. But even if they discovered us I think they would explain it away. How do I look?”

  Denzig had taken a shape that looked almost human but his scaly skin and draconian eyes, along with a bit of a snout and his long tail, didn't look very convincing. He kept himself well covered in a long coat, hat, scarf, and fake mustache.

  “You don't look very human at all.”

  “Well, like I say, they believe what they want to believe and explain away the rest. They can't accept that I might be a dragon, so their minds will block it as best they can. I've overheard them discussing my 'skin condition'. Anyway, I'm rich, so they tend not to ask too many questions as long as I keep the money flowing. Oh, which reminds me, I have something for you.”

  Denzig walked to a chest in the corner and pulled out a rolled-up wad of paper, tossing it to Kyla. She ducked and it hit the floor. She picked it up and examined it. It was dyed into patterns and pictures and numbers. The papers were wrapped with a stretchy thread, which Kyla pulled and it snapped frightfully in her hand. She unrolled the papers for a better look. There was a picture of a human head on it. “What is it?”

  “Human money. They have coins, too, but they aren't very useful unless you want to wash your clothing.”

  “And who's this guy?” she asked, pointing to the portrait.

  Denzig shrugged. “Someone they find important. I have never thought to ask. It isn't an unusual practice. Dwarves and demons have faces on their coinage.”

  “I guess.” Kyla had never seen either currency, but she had seen other government-issued coins with pictures of King Oberon. She supposed this was the human king. She looked up at Denzig. “How much is this? I mean, what's it worth?”

  Denzig shrugged. “A lot. I didn't count it. You should be able to buy anything you see in the shops. Just keep it hidden unless you need something. There are human bandits who will try to take it from you.”

  “Of course.” Kyla tucked the roll into her waistline. There were elf bandits, too, so she knew it was always wise to be careful with valuables. “How do you get human money? I mean, not how they get it. How do you get it? Do you work with them?”

  “I'm a dragon. I have a lot of gold. And you know, I've realized I don't crave it the way I used to, and humans pay top dollar for it. I have a friend named Sal that buys if from me. It's – you know – illicit, but the legitimate enterprises ask too many questions. You'll meet him. I have an appointment with him in the alley behind the theater.”

  And so they set out. Kyla figured that if Denzig's costume was good enough to fool the humans they couldn't be terribly bright, and she said so. Denzig said they were developmentally stunted in certain ways, and that was by design. Their cleverness at making items of great destructive power had been an oversight, so the Department of Animal Design made the newer models of human less capable of comprehending the mystical world around them lest they decide to war against it. Even if Kyla took off her hat, and they saw her pointy ears, and she confessed everything, they would never accept that she was an elf. They would make up some story to explain it, to be sure, but they wouldn't stray far from their core set of beliefs. And in the worst case, they would say she was mad and lock her in a special hospital.

  “But it's so obvious!” Kyla muttered. “I mean, not me, you!”

  Denzig shrugged. “I told you, they just think I have a skin problem. And my tail...well, I try to keep it wrapped under my coat but it slips out from time to time. I have no idea how they rationalize that.”

  ***

  They came to a road. It was hard and black and had lines painted along it. It smelled of pitch, and Denzig warned Kyla not to walk on it as it was made for human vehicles which moved very quickly. Kyla felt this was silly, as what was the point of a road if you couldn't walk on it? She understood when a large blue box on wheels zipped past and made a loud honking noise, and she scrambled into the long grass that ran along the road's edge. She watched a few more pass by and wondered if the horses were kept hidden in the front portion, or if they were simply invisible.

  “They don't use horses much,” Denzig explained. “They use fuel to lure fire spirits into metal boxes. The spirits eat the fuel and the resulting energy propels the vehicle. Humans have some other crazy explanation for how it works, of course. They're quite dim but to be honest I find their thoughts on science just adorable.”

  The town was easy to spot from a great distance. It was nothing like an elf town, which blended into the scenery, but more like Equinox, with buildings that jutted singly from the ground. Yet it was denser than Equinox, and the roads were made such that nothing grew out of them, so that they looked like scars over the landscape. Alongside the road came a hard walkway as they approached the first building. It was fancifully decorated with windows made from colored glass.

  “That's a church,” Denzig explained. “Humans have a variety of religions.”

  Kyla walked up to the large wooden door. “Can we go inside?” she asked.

  “Not right now. They open on Sundays. That's where Mrs. Galbraith goes. I met her at their annual bake sale.”

  They continued on past some of the residences. Human ho
uses were huge. They weren't so big as the dorms of Equinox, but Denzig said each dwelling held only a single family. Kyla's home would have fit in one of the human houses three or four times over. There was an older gentleman pushing a loud metal box over some grass. He waved at them and said something but Kyla couldn't make it out over the noise. The machine had wheels and, according to Denzig (who had to shout for her to hear) it was to keep the grass short and even. She rather liked the look, when she saw the part that was finished.

  “Their fences are so low,” Kyla noted. Only a few homes had them and these were barely higher than Kyla's knee. “What are they trying to keep out? Badgers? I guess badgers could just dig underneath. Or go right through them. They don't look very sturdy.”

  “Those are decorative. Hello, Mr. Wilkes! The taller fences are in the back. They aren't so worried about people sneaking in the front, I guess.”

  There was a loud noise, which made Kyla jump. A small animal jumped up and down and yipped at her as she passed the yard. At first she thought it was going to pounce on her but then realized it was roped to a small house.

  “They make little houses for animals!” she smiled. “But what is it?”

  “That's a dog. A beagle, to be precise. It's related to wolves and coyotes.”

  “No! That little thing?” Kyla had seen wolves, and wolf this was not.

  “Distant relative, mind you. Humans keep them as pets.”

  “I wonder if my mom would let me have a wolf? My dad and I could make him a little house and everything. Or HER! We could breed wolf pups!”

  Denzig made a sound in his throat that Kyla could best describe as a burning chortle.

  The town was large to Kyla but Denzig told her it was small by human standards, and that their cities could stretch for miles and miles. They loved buildings, and if she ever saw a human sleeping outside this was considered very unfortunate, even if it was a warm night. Occasionally they would go to special outdoor preserves where they could sleep in tents, and they did this for recreation, but to live in such a manner was a sign of poverty and distress. Even a typical elf home would be seen as a very unfortunate dwelling in the human world.

  “It isn't usually so clean,” Denzig noted as he looked around the streets. “Usually you'll see a bit of garbage on the ground. They had to do a major clean-up after I set off the volcano. Sent ash everywhere.” He leaned closer and whispered. “I hired some air spirits to blow most of it over the hockey arena in Lakefront. Let's see them get that cleaned up before Christmas. Now they'll have to let us host the Holiday Tournament!”

  Most of that was lost on Kyla, though she gathered Lakefront was an enemy of Whitehall.

  They soon arrived at the theater. Standing in a narrow alley behind the building was a bearded man with dark hair and glasses. He had something in his mouth which was emitting smoke and had an odd smell.

  “Sal,” Denzig greeted him. “This is my niece, Kyla.”

  “Pleasure,” the man said. “You got something for me?”

  “Yeah.” Denzig looked around before handing Sal a small bag. The man looked inside and took a small metal rectangle out of his coat, and put the bag on it.

  “I'll give you two thousand for it.”

  “Sure,” Denzig agreed. The man handed Denzig a roll of human money and tucked the bag into his jacket.

  “Pleasure doin' business with ya, Denny. I gotta bounce – my girlfriend's birthday, ya know? She's been waiting at Kelly's for an hour.”

  A buzzing noise came from Sal's pocket. He took out a rectangular box, looked at it, and shoved it back in his pocket. He took the burning stick from his mouth and tossed it on the ground. “Well, this'll be our last dinner together if I don't get there soon. Check ya later.”

  “Check ya later,” Kyla said, proud that she had picked up the meaning so easily. She was getting the hang of the human world.

  Denzig put the roll of money in his coat pocket. “Why don't I take you shopping? A good way to see a lot of human merchandise in one place.”

  Kyla was familiar with shops, as she lived over her family's shoe store, and the prospect did not sound exciting. She soon discovered human shops were far more interesting than Elvish ones, or at least the ones in Aspengrove. Denzig first took her to a clothing store, and she found some lovely sweaters and bought one for herself, Eunoe, Aspen, and Aura. She found a very nice picture of a unicorn for Lug. She noted that humans must know about unicorns to draw them so well.

  “They love unicorns, and dragons, and even elves,” Denzig explained. “Only, they believe we are all inventions of their imagination. Would you like me to carry your bags for you?”

  “Yes, thank you.”

  “I'm going to the Farmer's market,” Denzig told her as they approached a street brimming with humans. There was also a park filled with children who were running and climbing on wood and metal devices. The park was lined with trees but no one was climbing them.

  “That's an ice cream shop.” Denzig pointed to a small brick building. “If there's one thing you need to get from the human experience, it's that. Why don't you run inside and get something? Ask for a double scoop of chocolate on a cone. Give them one of those pieces of paper and say 'Keep the change.' You'll be overpaying by a lot, but the young man who works there is a nice boy.”

  Kyla was both excited and nervous to be left alone. She had now learned the correct way to cross streets, however, and felt the greatest danger was taken care of.

  The shop was cooler than outside. There were half a dozen tables but they were currently empty. The room was white and trimmed in red. To Kyla's left was a long counter protected by a plate of glass. Behind the glass was a series of buckets, and each bucket filled with what looked like chunky paint.

  “Hi!” came a cheery voice. A young man with hay-colored hair was standing on the other side of the counter. He appeared to be about Kyla's age, though she didn't know if humans aged the same rate as elves. He had a big smile and bright eyes.

  “What can I get for you?” he asked.

  Kyla remembered her orders. “I'll have a double scoop chocolate on a cone.”

  “Right! Do you want double chocolate or regular?”

  Kyla thought the instructions had been clear, but considered humans were not so clever as elves.

  “Double.”

  “Okeydokey! Kind of a nice day, isn't it?”

  “Um, yeah. It's been a lot of fun.”

  “Oh, yeah? What did you do?”

  “Uh...just went and bought some sweaters.”

  “Oh, yeah? Where?”

  Kyla couldn't recall the name of the store. “Some place over there.”

  “Oh, you not from town?”

  The young man was asking a lot of questions and for a minute she was afraid Denzig had been wrong and he was on to her. However, after a moment of her trying to think of a believable back story, he seemed to have forgotten he had asked her anything and took a large spoon and scooped some of the paint onto a cone.

  “That'll be five ninety-five. How are you paying?”

  Kyla handed the vendor-boy one of the papers and told him to keep the change. He was very surprised and nearly dropped her ice cream when she insisted. This was odd, because she didn't feel she was paying him enough, as he had asked for five ninety-five and the paper she gave him was only marked with a hundred. Then again humans might not count their numbers the same way as everyone else. She took the cone and looked at it cautiously. It didn't look like food. It looked like – well, it was round and brown, and so made her think of moose droppings. She decided to trust Denzig, and closed her eyes, and slowly stuck out her tongue, and—

  Ecstasy. It was the best moment of her life. Her cautious taste turned into a mad frenzy as she consumed the frozen cream. She was aware, on some level, that she was getting it all over her face, and that she was being watched, and the boy watching her was alarmed, but she didn't care. It was the most delicious thing she had ever tasted. This led to another orde
r, another hundred-dollar bill, and another mess, and this time the vendor-boy showed her to the ladies' room to clean up.

  Kyla stared at the white basins. One was a bowl filled with water, and the other was empty with a small hole in the bottom. The one filled with water she took for a wash-basin. She knelt in front of it (wondering why humans made it so low) and scrubbed her face and hands clean. She looked the second basin over. It was higher up, almost to Kyla's chest. There was a mirror over it, and on the mirror was a small sign that said 'EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS'. Following the text was a picture of a hand under a faucet that looked much like the one over the basin. Did water come out of that as well? It looked like a pump, but when she tried pumping it wouldn't budge. She pulled harder and it broke free from its base, though a long tube held it in place. Kyla yanked it up and down, but still nothing. There were knobs on either side. She turned one and water spouted out. How clever! The water was cold. She tried the other one. The water was hot! Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Could she mix them together? She could indeed, and she played with it until she got a nice temperature. There was a box on the wall with a button which oozed a pink goo when pressed. It tasted terrible but smelled nice, and Kyla quickly realized it was some kind of soap. She scrubbed and became fascinated by the bubbly lather it formed.

  Kyla wondered why she should need to wash her hands after using the washing-bowl. And why did it have two lids? One would be sufficient. The lower lid had a hole in it and would be perfect for sitting and...

  Kyla gulped. There was a lever on the device. She pushed it and the water went down in a spiral. She had a funny feeling that wasn't a wash basin at all! Horrified, Kyla scrubbed her face and hands in the hottest water she could bear and made liberal use of the soap.

  Cleaned up and pleased with her discovery of ice cream, Kyla left with a smile though the vendor-boy was gone and had been replaced by an older man who smiled and said goodbye as she walked out.

  She looked down the road for Denzig. The market where he had headed was down the street, and consisted of outdoor stands filled with fruits and vegetables. A few were selling pieces of jewelry and art. Kyla considered rejoining him until something else caught her eye. There was a group of young boys at the side of the road. One had a yellow disc on a string, and was making it go up and down with a twitch of his wrist. He would then make it spin around his head, or roll along the ground, and then draw it back up. It was a simple device but marvellously clever. She was soon standing with the boy's friends, who were hooting and cheering. When the boy with the disc saw her watching he stopped. She looked at him awkwardly. He stared back. After a moment one of the other boys said 'Hey! Let's go to Merle's!' and the others shouted and started to leave. The boy with the disc looked away and headed after them.