The Big Book of Boy Stuff

by Bart King

  Jokes!

  A researcher from Norway has found that children laugh an average of 400 times a day. That's pretty good! Unfortunately, adults only laugh an average of 15 times a day. That is pitiful! Maybe you get all the laughter out of your system when you're a kid. So enjoy your laughs now while you can!

  Funny things happen to boys like you all the time. Let's say you want to go out skateboarding with your friends. Your mom or dad gives you permission, but they say, “Be careful! Don't get hit by a car or crack your head open on the sidewalk. And remember to be polite!”

  That's funny! Of course, you were planning on getting hit by a car, cracking your head open, and then being rude to the ambulance driver.

  The things that make people laugh come in different categories. Some jokes are gross or sick, and we laugh at them out of surprise. Sometimes if something bad (but not too bad) happens to someone, we laugh at the person's bad luck. And sometimes a joke is so stupid, it's funny. This chapter has a few examples of all these types of humor.

  As you tell these (or any) jokes to other people, watch them carefully. Researchers have found that if a person is really laughing, they will close their eyes for a moment. If a person laughs without closing their eyes, they're faking it! Don't worry, though, as many of these jokes are so good, it will be hard to open your eyes and stop laughing as you read them.

  The Funniest Joke in the World! In 263 BC, a Greek comedy writer named Philemon discovered the world's funniest joke. This joke was so funny that Philemon laughed to death after his discovery. (From his notes, we know the joke had to do with a goose and a lawyer.) More recently, a 24-year-old carpenter in the Philippines was told a joke by a friend. The carpenter thought the joke was so funny, he laughed until he cried, collapsed, and then died. (Although I know what the joke was, I cannot tell it to you for your own safety.)

  The Funniest Animal in the World! In 2002, a British study of humor released its findings. Almost 2 million people from all over the world rated different types of jokes in an attempt to discover the funniest joke in the world. (Some of the jokes in this chapter are from this study.) One of the interesting things they found was that ducks are the funniest type of animal used in most different jokes. So, if you are going to tell a joke, try to work a duck into it.

  School and Studies

  Father: From this report card, son, it looks like you studied underwater.

  Timmy: What do you mean, Dad?

  Father: Well, all of your grades are below “C” level!

  Timmy: Good one, Dad.

  History teacher: Timmy, name one important thing we have now that we didn't have 12 years ago.

  Timmy: Me!

  Science teacher: Can anybody define the word “canal” for me?

  Prissy girl: A canal is a small stream of water, made by humans.

  Timmy: You bet we do. Heck, I make those all the time!

  Father: What did you learn about today?

  Timmy: Our science teacher told us all about fossils.

  Father: Did you learn much?

  Timmy: Yeah. Before taking her class, I didn't know what a fossil looked like.

  Timmy: Yahoo! Our science teacher said we'd have a test today, rain or shine!

  Dan: Yeah, so why are you so happy?

  Timmy: It's snowing!

  Teacher: Timmy, why are you tardy again?

  Timmy: You started class before I got here!

  Timmy: Hooray! Today's the last day of school! I'm free! I'm free!

  Preschooler: So what? I'm four.

  Families

  Timmy: My dad says that you can make ice cream out of anything. You can make chili pepper ice cream, avocado ice cream, tomato ice cream, anything!

  Noah: Oh yeah? I bet you can't make ice cream out of cow poop.

  Timmy: Why not? They're both dairy products!

  Timmy's pregnant mother: Timmy, I'm going into labor! Call the hospital!

  Timmy (on the phone): Send help! My mom is going to have a baby!

  Nurse: Calm down! Is this her first child?

  Timmy: No! I am!

  Timmy: Dad, please don't make me go to summer camp with my sister. I'll give you 20 bucks if you keep her at home!

  Father: Why Timmy, she's your only sister! Think of all the years you've spent with her.

  Timmy: You're right. I'll give you 40 dollars, but I'm not going any higher.

  Mother: Timmy, how do you get so dirty?

  Timmy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

  Timmy: Dad's got holes in his underwear! Dad's got holes in his underwear!

  Father: No, I don't!

  Timmy: Then how do you get your legs through them?

  Father: Good one, Timmy.

  Timmy: Dad, can I steer the car down the road?

  Father: Timmy, what did I tell you when you asked me the same thing yesterday?

  Timmy: You said I could drive the car when I was older.

  Father: So?

  Timmy: So I'm 24 hours older now.

  Mother: Timmy, what did your father say when you threw the baseball through the kitchen window?

  Timmy: Do you want me to leave out the bad words?

  Mother: Yes, please.

  Timmy: He didn't say anything.

  Dogs

  Two boys who are dog owners, are arguing about whose dog is smarter.

  First boy: My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the newspaper to arrive and then he brings it to me.

  Second boy: I know.

  First boy: How do you know?

  Second boy: My dog told me.

  A boy is in a movie theater and sees another boy and his dog both watching the movie intently. After the movie, he goes up to the dog owner.

  First Boy: I saw your dog watch that whole movie. It's amazing!

  Second Boy: I know...he hated the book.

  A golden retriever and a boxer are in the front yard, barking at cars.

  Golden retriever: Ruff, ruff!

  Boxer: Bark, bark!

  Golden retriever: Mooo! Mooo!

  Boxer: Hey, what the heck are you doing? Dogs don't say, “Moo.”

  Golden retriever: I'm studying a foreign language.

  First boy: My dog doesn't have a tail.

  Second boy: But how do you know when he's happy?

  First boy: He stops biting me.

  “Question and Answer” Jokes

  Q. What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?

  A. Kids will eat snot.

  Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?

  A. Unique up on him.

  Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?

  A. The tame way. Unique up on him.

  Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

  A. “Dam!”

  Q. What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?

  A. Drumsticks for everyone!

  Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

  A. Fsh.

  Q. What's red and looks like a bucket?

  A. A red bucket.

  Q. What's blue and looks like a bucket?

  A. A red bucket in disguise.

  Q. What's green and has wheels?

  A. Grass. I lied about the wheels.

  Q. What did the apple say to the banana?

  A. Nothing-apples don't talk.

  Duck Joke Alert

  Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?

  A. To stamp out fires.

  Q. Why do elephants have flat feet?

  A. To stamp out burning ducks.

  A Humorous Recommended Reading List

  The Yellow River by I. P. Freely

  Make a Million Dollars in One Week! by Yu Dum Gai

  Whoopee Cushions and You by Mike Easter

  Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

  Timmy, the Boy Who Was so Bad, His Family Kicked Him Out by B. Goode

  The Little Sissy Who Told on His Friends

  Why Can't the Fork and the Electrical Outlet B
e Friends?

  Oreos and Me: A Love Story by Chin Tu Phat

  Whining and Crying to Get Your Way

  Spots on the Wall by Hu Flung Dung

  Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

  The Tiger's Revenge by Claude Nutz

  The Curious Cat and the High-Voltage Fence by Kitty Gobybye

  Story Jokes

  A burglar watched a house carefully for a couple of days. After making sure that nobody was home, he broke into the house in the middle of the night.

  As the burglar stuffed goodies in his bag, he was horrified to hear a deep voice say, “God is watching you!”

  “Who's there?” the burglar cried, swinging his flashlight around. Then he saw a large parrot in a cage, and the parrot said again, “God is watching you!”

  “Heehee,” the burglar said. “What's your name, birdie?”

  “My name is Edmund,” the parrot answered.

  “Edmund? Who names their parrot Edmund?” the burglar asked.

  “The same person who names his pit bull God,” said the parrot.

  A sixth-grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school for the first day of kindergarten. As Timmy got on the school bus, the bus driver stopped Timmy and said, “Timmy, who is that?” while pointing to his little brother.

  “That's my little brother,” said Timmy.

  “Just between you and me,” the bus driver whispered, “that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen.”

  Timmy grabbed his little brother's hand and walked back to a seat with an angry expression on his face.

  “Hey, Timmy, what's wrong?” asked one of his friends.

  “That bus driver just said something really rude and mean to me,” said Timmy.

  “When we get to school, you should go tell the principal,” said his friend.

  “Really?” Timmy replied.

  “Yeah,” said his friend. “You go ahead. I can watch your pet monkey for you.”

  Three brothers, named Dante, Buddy, and Tyler each decided to get their dad a special birthday gift.

  Dante said, “Since he likes to golf, I'm going to get a set of golf bags for the old man.”

  Buddy said, “You know how Dad likes to go bird hunting? I've decided to get him a hunting dog!”

  Tyler shook his head. “You know how Dad hates to read but likes being read to? I've decided to buy Dad a parrot. The parrot can read; it's specially trained, and if you set a book in front of him, it will read the book out loud. It's an expensive bird, but I think he's worth it.”

  The other two brothers were amazed!

  Later, the father wrote his sons their thank-you notes.

  “Dante,” he wrote, “I've given up on golf. It's too expensive and the people who play it are idiots. Thanks for the thought, though!”

  “Buddy,” he wrote, “I've matured in my old age. I now realize that hunting is a cruel sport. Plus, that dog you sent has awful gas. But thanks for the thought!”

  His last note went like this: “Dear Tyler: You were always my favorite son. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious!”

  One morning after waking up on his 10th birthday, Timmy told his mom, “I had a dream that you gave me a BB gun for my birthday. What do you think that dream means?”

  “You'll know what it means tonight,” Timmy's mom said with an encouraging smile.

  That night, after the birthday cake, Timmy's mom came in with a long narrow package and gave it to her son.

  Timmy tore the box open. Finally I get a BB gun, he thought. But he thought wrong. The box was empty except for a book called The Meaning of Dreams.

  Two boys are hiking in the deep woods. One boy suddenly stops and takes off his backpack.

  The second boy asks, “What's wrong?”

  “I just saw a huge bear down the trail watching us,” the first boy says as he takes off his hiking boots and starts putting on his running shoes.

  The second boy says, “I understand taking off your backpack, but you can't outrun a bear just because you're wearing running shoes.”

  The first boy responds, “I don't need to outrun the bear. I just need to outrun you!”

  The world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Dr. Watson decided to go camping. They backpacked into a remote area and pitched their tent. That night, the stars came out, they had a campfire and some conversation, and then they crawled into a thin tent and went to sleep.

  Sometime later that night, Holmes woke up Watson.

  “Watson, tell me what you can deduce from looking up at the stars,” he said.

  Watson was puzzled. “Well, there are thousands of stars up there. Assuming that there are enough stars with planets, there is a possibility that some of those planets may have life like we have on planet Earth.”

  Sherlock Holmes shook his head. “Watson, you chowder head, somebody stole our tent!”

  There was once a boy named Be Quiet and he had a little brother named Trouble. One day, Trouble got lost and Be Quiet went to the police station.

  The police officer asked, “What's your name?”

  The boy answered, “Be Quiet.”

  The police officer frowned, and repeated, “What's your name?”

  “Be Quiet.”

  Angry now, the police officer asked, “Are you looking for trouble?”

  Be Quiet answered, “How did you know?”

  Two boys named Bill and Tyrone went hiking. As they walked along, the two boys argued about the best way to treat a snakebite.

  “I'm telling you, the best way to treat a snakebite is to cut an X into the wound and suck the blood out!” said Bill.

  “Whatever,” said Tyrone.

  Later that afternoon, Bill went off to get firewood. While he was out of Tyrone's sight, he started screaming. Tyrone quickly ran to him.

  “What is it?” Tyrone asked.

  “I was bit by a rattlesnake!” Bill said, pointing. And sure enough, a big diamondback rattlesnake slithered away even as he pointed at it.

  “Tyrone, you know what you have to do! Do you have a pocketknife?” Bill asked.

  Tyrone nodded and got his pocketknife out. “Where did you get bit?” he asked.

  Bill pointed to his rear end. “Back here,” he said.

  Tyrone looked at Bill. “I hate to say this, but you're going to die,” he said.

  Two boys named Brian and Jeremy went to the zoo. They went to the primate section and looked into the gorilla cage.

  “I wonder if I can get the gorilla to imitate me?” said Brian.

  “Fat chance,” Jeremy replied.

  So Brian made a face at the gorilla. Amazingly, the gorilla made the same face back at Brian! Brian then stuck his thumbs in his ears and waved his fingers around. The gorilla stuck his thumbs in his ears and waved his fingers around. Brian and Jeremy smiled at each other.

  Brian stuck his tongue out at the gorilla. The gorilla went bananas! It jumped up and down, screamed, pounded his chest, and then burst out of his cage, grabbed Brian, and slammed him onto the sidewalk. The gorilla then went quietly back into his cage.

  As medics and zoo workers rushed to the scene, Jeremy asked the gorilla's keeper why the ape had gone so berserk.

  “It's because your friend stuck his tongue out at him,” the zookeeper said. “In gorilla language, that's like flipping someone off.”

  When Jeremy visited Brian in the hospital, he told him what the zookeeper had said. Brian didn't care. He wanted revenge on that great big ape.

  Brian was eventually released from the hospital. He went home and got a soft rubber hammer that his little brother used as a toy. He also got a real hammer. Brian then went to the zoo and walked right up to the gorilla's cage.

  The gorilla looked at Brian. Brian made a face at the gorilla. The gorilla made the same face back. Brian smiled at the gorilla. The gorilla smiled back. Brian threw the real hammer into the cage and held up the toy hammer. The gorilla held up the real hammer. Brian the
n hit himself in the head with the soft toy hammer.

  The gorilla paused and then stuck out his tongue.

  A boy went in to the doctor for a follow-up on an earlier exam. The doctor says to him, “I have bad news and really bad news.”

  “Huh? What's the bad news?” the boy asks.

  “You only have 24 hours to live,” says the doctor.

  Stunned, the boy just sits there. Finally, he asks, “How can the other news be any worse?”

  “I've been trying to get hold of you since yesterday,” says the doctor.

  Two boys named Daniel and Albert were cutting wood in the forest, but they weren't being careful, and Daniel cut off his arm! Albert wrapped Daniel's arm in a plastic bag and took it and Daniel to the hospital. The doctor told Albert, “I can reattach it; just come back in 2 hours.” And 2 hours later, the arm was as good as new!

  A month later, Daniel and Albert were out cutting wood again, and Daniel cut off his leg! Albert put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Daniel back to the hospital. The doctor said, “You kids need to be more careful! Come back in 3 hours.” Albert came back 3 hours later, and Daniel's leg was as good as new!

  A week later, believe it or not, Daniel and Albert were out cutting wood again. Daniel somehow cut his own head off! Albert knew this wasn't good, but he hoped for the best. Albert put Daniel's head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Daniel to the hospital. The doctor said, “I can't believe you kids! Well, come back in 4 hours, and I'll see what I can do.”

  So Albert came back in 4 hours and the doctor said, “I'm sorry, but Daniel didn't make it.”

  Albert said, “I understand. He did cut his head off after all.”

  The doctor said, “Actually, the surgery went fine. It's just that he suffocated in that plastic bag!”

  Two boys are hiking in the woods. Suddenly, one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't appear to be breathing.

  Luckily, the other boy has a cell phone and he calls 911.

  “911! 911! My friend is dead! What should I do?” he asks.

  “Slow down,” the operator says. “Don't worry, okay? Now, let's make sure he's actually dead, okay?”