The Big Book of Boy Stuff

by Bart King

The operator hears silence, and then a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon. Then the boy's voice comes back on the line.

  “Okay, now what?” he asks.

  A dog went into a bank to send a telegram. He put a pen in his mouth, and on the form for the telegram's message, he carefully wrote, “Ruff. Bark. Ruff, ruff. Bark. Ruff.”

  The cashier looked at the form and said, “There are only six words here. You could send another 'Bark' or 'Ruff' for the same cost.”

  “Yeah,” the dog answered, “but then the message wouldn't make any sense.”

  Little Timmy was digging a big hole in his backyard when the next-door neighbor looked over.

  “Why are you digging that huge hole?” he asked.

  “My ferret died,” Little Timmy replied, throwing another shovel full of dirt over his shoulder.

  “But why are you making the hole so big?” the neighbor asked.

  “Because your dog ate it,” Little Timmy replied.

  Sick Jokes

  Boy: Dad, I hate my sister.

  Dad: Then just finish your vegetables and leave the rest on the plate.

  Q. What is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

  A. A pool table.

  Q. What has four legs and flies?

  A. A dead cat.

  Boy: Mom, why are we pushing our car over the cliff?

  Mom: Be quiet, or you'll wake your father.

  Boy one: My cousin died of a bee sting last week.

  Boy two: I'm sorry; was he allergic to bees?

  Boy one: No, he was a tightrope walker.

  Q. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?

  A. A dog that bites your face off and then runs for help.

  Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

  A. It was dead. (I know this joke is stupid, but it's still funny!)

  Warning: This joke is the sickest of all time!

  Q. What is green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?

  A. A Girl Scout that got hit by a car.

  Follow-Up Activity

  Based on the clues provided above, find out what Philemon's funniest joke of all time was. To avoid dying of laughter, have an antidote to laughter nearby, something that would wipe the smile off of anyone's face. (I recommend a picture of your math teacher.)

  Juggling and Yo-yos!

  Every person should have a “trick” they can do; it is almost like having your very own superpower! I think that juggling is a good choice for a trick like this. It is a skill that anyone with two hands can master, but because it takes a little bit of practice, most people can’t do it.

  So far as we know, juggling has been around as long as there have been people. Ancient civilizations in Egypt, Greece, Meso-America, and India had entertainers who could juggle. Throughout history, most jugglers were also people who could sing, dance, mime, and so forth...in short, they were interesting people.

  Many jugglers had their own specialties. “Power jugglers” worked with cannonballs, anvils, or other heavy objects. Juggling on horseback has long been a favorite; one juggler named Briatori could juggle 7 balls from the back of a galloping horse. Another type of juggler was the “salon juggler,” a person who juggled different types of objects found in a civilized house: gloves, vases, billiard balls, chain saws, etc. Finally, there have even been antipodist jugglers: People who juggle with their feet!

  Many people call Enrico Rastelli (1896–1931) the greatest juggler of all time. As a youth in a traveling circus, he often practiced for 12 hours a day until he got a trick right. Many people back then thought it impossible to juggle more than 7 balls at once. (This is because there have to be 6 balls in the air if you are juggling 7!) Enrico proved skeptics wrong by becoming the master of juggling 8 balls. (He even juggled 10 balls once, just to prove he could.) Plates are very hard to juggle, but Enrico could juggle 8 of these as well. He invented many tricks, and could carry on long conversations while bouncing 2 soccer balls off his forehead.

  As for you, don’t worry about becoming the next Enrico Rastelli just yet. This chapter tells you how to juggle 3 items in a basic rotation. Practice each of the steps before going on to the next step. It takes your muscles a while to build up their “muscle memory,” so be patient. Many people can learn how to juggle in a day, but even if you can’t, it shouldn’t take more than a week if you practice. Practice often, but not for more than 10 minutes at once or you may get burned out. Stop practicing when you start to get frustrated. Pick up the bags again when you are relaxed.

  What to juggle? There are all sorts of juggling rings, glow-in-the-dark balls, clubs, bowling balls, etc., that you could try to juggle with, but small beanbags or actual “juggling” bags are best. I tried learning juggling with tennis balls, but I ended up chasing the balls more than I juggled. This is why most people encourage beginning jugglers to use beanbags. I like to use 3 hackysacks, but any beanbag or juggling bag works.

  Okay, let’s start! One good spot to juggle is right next to a bed. That way, when you drop the bags, you don’t have to bend as far to pick them up! Or, you can go to a spot where you have a little room to move about. Outdoors is good, but a large room without a lot of furniture works too.

  1. Take just one beanbag and cradle it in the palm of your hand. (Not on your fingertips!) When you juggle, you will do much better if you use your palms. Put your elbows in and extend your arms in front of you at about waist height.

  2. Now throw the bag repeatedly from one hand to the other. Try to get the beanbag to go right in front of your eyes with each throw. Try aiming for a spot in front of your head and above where the hand waiting to catch the ball is. Use a nice little arc. As you catch the beanbag, let your hand move down with the beanbag as it falls, then bring your hand up and throw it with a nice rhythm. Your hands should go up and down with the beanbag.

  Keep doing this until it feels natural. You should be able to do this equally well with either hand. When you can do this motion under control (try it with your eyes closed!), you’re ready for the next step. Don’t move on until you have mastered the one-bag throw or you will get frustrated.

  3. Next, take two bags. Whoohoo! Put one in each hand. Now, remember how you were throwing one bag to the other hand before? You will do that in a moment. The problem is, there is already a bag in the hand you are throwing toward!

  What you will do is throw the first bag, wait a moment, then throw the second. Warning: Once you throw that first bag, what you will want to do is pass the second bag across to your other hand (the one that just threw the bag). In other words, one bag will go up and one will bag go across to the hand that threw it. That’s not juggling!

  Instead, try this: When the first bag reaches its peak in front of your eyes and starts going down, throw the second bag a little lower than the first bag. Don’t panic! Yes, you now have two balls in the air! Just be cool! You throw the first one, wait, and then throw the second one. If your throws are good, the bags will practically land right in your hands. Don’t reach up for the bags. Let them come down to your hands. If your throws are bad, go back to the first step and practice your one-bag throws.

  Practice this! If you have trouble, try throwing the first bag a little bit higher and the second one a bit lower. Repeat it over and over. Work on a good “throw-throw-catch-catch” rhythm. Once you can do it well, start your first throw with the other hand. (You are now juggling two balls!)

  I should mention that some people recommend that you begin learning to juggle by putting one hand behind your back and then learning to juggle 2 bags with one hand. This is a good skill, but it is more difficult than the technique I describe here.

  4. Once you have the 2-bag throw down, you’re ready to do some real juggling. The moment has come! Get the third bag! Yes!

  Okay, stand in your position. Put 2 bags in one hand, and 1 in the other. (For my example, let’s assume that the 2 bags are in your left hand.) Here is the idea: You will throw a bag
from your left hand to your right hand. Just like you normally do, you then throw the ball from your right hand to your left.

  Instead of catching and holding the bags when they land, you will now keep throwing them. The first bag you threw is now landing. The second bag you threw is about to land in the hand holding the third bag. Before it gets there, throw the third bag! If you are normal, you will now drop the bags. Pick them up and try again.

  This time, try counting the bags as you go. Count one, two, three as the different balls leave your hands. You know that you can get two throws down...keep reaching for that third catch! There is usually just one bag in the air, and it is going to switch places with one of the other two. After a while, you will learn to only pay attention to this bag. Once you can catch the third bag, you are juggling. With practice, you will find a good rhythm and 3 catches will become 300!

  Problems: The most common problem is that you will lose your rhythm and start throwing the bags to spots where you have to reach out to catch them. Remember, keep your hands extended in front of your waist and let the bags come to you. It’s okay to reach out for a bag but if you find yourself racing across the room to catch them, go back to juggling by the side of the bed or in front of a wall. This will force you to make good throws to yourself.

  The best advice? Relax and let the bags come to you. Keep your hands moving up and down with the bags. Throw the bags to that spot in front of your head and above your hands.

  Advanced Juggling

  At some point, you will be able to juggle three bags very well. The question then becomes “What next?” One good thing to practice on is juggling while walking around. Or change the items you are juggling. Try the “two bags and an apple” trick. (In this trick, you take a bite out of the apple while it is moving through your hands.) Or juggle cell phones! Some people like to juggle “clubs” and other items that are available from juggling stores.

  The most obvious thing to do is to teach a friend how to juggle and then practice passing items between you. If you can both juggle three items, you can do it! Or, try to learn how to juggle four bags! When you are ready for your next juggling challenge, go to your library for a good book on juggling, or check the Internet: There are probably juggling clubs where you live that you don’t even know about.

  *Looking for a wet juggling challenge? Try “gluggling”! You gluggle by going underwater with lead balls and juggling them!

  *The most common injury among professional jugglers is “bruising” according to a Juggler’s World survey.

  *Juggling records do change over time, but right now, the record for juggling with balls is 12 catches with 12 balls! And to think that you complained about 3!

  Yo-yos

  Yo-yos are the oldest toy that you’ll ever play with. (Dolls are older, but you don’t play with them, do you? You play with “action figures!”) People in China were playing with yo-yos 3,000 years ago. Yo-yos are fun to goof around with or to take seriously; using them may even be an Olympic sport someday...really!

  Yo-yos have been popular in the Philippines for hundreds of years. (The word “yo-yo” means “come back” in the native language of the Philippines.) Like the Frisbee, the first yo-yos in the Philippines may have been used as weapons, with strings as long as 20 feet. They were much larger than toy yo-yos are today, and they were thrown around an animal’s legs to trip it up.

  In the 1920s, a man named Pedro Flores moved from the Philippines to southern California. He often played with small yo-yos in his new home, and he noticed that people seemed to like this “new invention,” so he started a yo-yo company. In 1929, a businessman named Donald Duncan bought this company from Flores for $25,000, which is why you may be familiar with the brand name Duncan Yo-Yos. (Donald Duncan also invented the parking meter. Hip-hip hurray!)

  Yo-yo popularity has its ups and downs; they have been so popular at times that adults have frowned on them and called yo-yoing “the idiot’s pastime.” Since the yo-yo has been around for thousands of years, it’s a good bet that they’ll be around the world for at least another couple of weeks. In that case, maybe you should learn a few tricks.

  Yo-Yo Types

  If someone asks you if yo-yos are cool, just say, “Yo.” Why do you think rappers use the word so much? As you look at all the different kinds of yo-yos, you may wonder which kind you should get. The basic yo-yo model (sometimes called a “fixed axle yo-yo”) is usually the best place to start. More expensive models (like the “ball-bearing transaxle”) are terrific, but you need to be able to do a few string tricks before you get one. Get any yo-yo you want, but if you spend 2 bucks, you’ll get what you paid for!

  Okay, so let’s say you’ve unpacked your yo-yo. Keep the manual! It will give you important tips on re-stringing and taking the yo-yo apart. As for the yo-yo’s string, take the loop that is already tied into the end of the string and push the string through the loop to make a slipknot. Put your finger through that and try a few motions.

  To check and see if the string is too long, take the yo-yo and let it dangle to the ground at the string’s full length. Where the string meets your belly button is where you should tie the loop.

  The Power Throw! Wind your yo-yo up and get it into starting position as shown in the picture on the top left. Raise your hand up almost to your ear, then quickly throw your hand down in front of you, releasing the yo-yo as you do. Stop your hand around your waist and turn it so that the palm is now facing down. When the yo-yo gets to the bottom of the string, give a slight jerk and catch it on the way up. That’s it!

  The Hand Jumper! Throw your power throw, but as the yo-yo comes back up, don’t catch it! Let the yo-yo jump over your hand and head right back down. If the yo-yo isn’t going fast enough to make the jump, keep doing this one until it is!

  The Tricks

  As you practice your tricks, remember not to reach for the yo-yo. If you spin and throw it correctly, it will come back to you. Remember that a twisted string is the most common problem for yo-yoers. To untangle your string, hold the yo-yo by the string’s loop, let it hang, and watch the yo-yo spin itself back into business. You may get a nasty knot in your string doing a trick. If so, try to use a needle or pin to undo it; if you’re having trouble, ask a parent to help. If the string ties itself tightly around the axle, twist or “unscrew” the yo-yo to loosen it.

  Sleeper: This is the first trick most people learn. Make a good power throw, but don’t jerk the yo-yo back. It will reach the end of its line and start spinning, or “sleeping.” If you can get your yo-yo to sleep for 15 seconds, you are pretty awesome. If you can get it to take a nap, you really rule.

  Walking the Dog: Get a good sleeper going, and then just lower the yo-yo to the ground, where it will begin rolling away until you jerk it back up. Try the “Buzz Saw” version of this, where you Walk the Dog across newspaper. It makes a cool sound! Or do a “Creeper”: Start Walking the Dog. Let the yo-yo creep forward and keep lowering your hand to the floor. When you get close to the ground, give a sharp jerk and bring the yo-yo back to your hand. Or, Walk the Dog and let go of the leash altogether to see how fast your yo-yo rolls away!

  Forward Pass: Pull your yo-yo hand back as if you were going to bowl. Then snap your hand forward, releasing the yo-yo. It will spring forward and then snap back to your hand.

  Most Muscular: Make a muscle with your bicep in a bodybuilder pose. (“The beach is thataways!”) Then snap the yo-yo out to the side. It will go out and start to sleep. Swing it sideways across your body and bring it up to your other shoulder, sideways across the front of your body. If it is really humming, it may appear to hang in the air for a moment! As it reaches the other shoulder, tug it back to you.

  Inside Loop: Start with a Forward Pass, but don’t catch the yo-yo when it comes back. As it returns, use your wrist (not your arm!) to shoot it out in front of you again. With practice, you can do this over and over. Try doing one loop up high, one loop down low, etc.

  Around the World: Do
this one outside or in a room with high ceilings. Start with a Forward Pass and keep your arm moving up and around (without pulling back) so that the yo-yo sleeps. Go all the way around with your arm trying to keep the yo-yo at the end of its string. When you are ready to pull it in, give it a tug. (Extra credit if the yo-yo goes into orbit around the planet.)

  The Butt Stopper: Wise old men of yo-yoing sometimes whisper about this legendary trick. You need to be wearing baggy shorts or pants for this one. Spread your feet a couple of feet apart and do a vicious power throw between your legs, arcing the yo-yo so that it comes up and hits your butt as a Sleeper. Give it a little tug. What may happen is the yo-yo stops dead when it jams the fabric of your shorts into its space. To someone watching from the other side, it looks like butt magic. Try it and see if you can get it to work!

  The Cradle Will Rock: Everyone has heard of Rocking the Cradle, so you may as well learn it. Practice this with a “dead” yo-yo hanging from the string before doing it “live.” Throw a good Sleeper. Pull the string close to your body and reach down with your off-hand to about halfway down the string. Fold the string over this hand, (with its palm facing up) right at the base of your fingers. With your yo-yo hand, pinch the string about 5 inches above the yo-yo. Push your free hand forward while bringing your yo-yo hand up. Swing the spinning yo-yo back and forth in the triangular space, then flick the yo-yo out and bring it back to you.

  Pop the Clutch: Begin with a strong Sleeper. Next, turn your hand up and start swinging the string to the outside of your arm. Once the string is behind your arm, bring your hand forward so that the string rests on your upper arm, behind your elbow. Reach back with your yo-yo hand and pinch the string above the sleeping yo-yo. Pull the string up and forward a little bit, and then let go. The yo-yo will zip up over your shoulder and start arcing back down. Let it fall all the way down vertically, and then pull it right up. The clutch has been popped!