Baggage & Buttons

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘Good, well you didn’t dream it. Would you like me to tell you again?’

  ‘Yes please,’ he grinned.

  ‘I love you Gabriel Austin.’ I managed to say it this time without shaking, though my stomach still tightened. It was a really big deal for me to say those words, I’d been let down by some men in my life so badly. I’d only ever said them to my mum and Lexi, so I didn’t say them lightly. I was sure if Gabe broke my heart I’d never be able to say them to another man again.

  ‘O god Mia, you don’t know how desperately I’ve wanted to hear that from you. I feel like my heart’s missing when we’re apart. You take it with you whenever you leave me.’

  ‘You take mine too Gabe and I’m amazed it’s not missing at 9 a.m. You’re usually up and out long before this.’

  ‘It’s 9? Seriously?’ He looked shocked.

  ‘Yes, why did you have plans?’

  ‘Well no, only to spend the day with you, but I’ve never slept in like that, you’re a bad influence.’

  ‘Well I need a caffeine fix, someone kept me awake ’til 4 a.m. unable to keep his hands off me.’ Gabe just grinned at me, with a complete look of male pride on his face. He’d been insatiable after I’d told him those three little words, no sooner had he come than his erection was rising again. He’d made love to me so many times, I think he’d finally sexed me into unconsciousness. ‘You stay in bed for once Gabe, I’ll bring the coffee to you.’

  I kissed him again and untangled myself from his embrace pulling on a t-shirt and felt a familiar pull in my pelvis and my heart sank. I went to the toilet and saw blood, as I’d expected. As I inserted a tampon I realised it was the first time I didn’t find it painful. There again in comparison to Gabe’s dick, it was tiny, anything would be. I sighed, no sex for at least a week now and I’d no idea how we were going to manage that, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I pulled out the packet of contraception, first day of my period meant taking the first tablet. I swallowed it and rinsed it down with some tap water and crossed the hall and knocked on Lexi’s door.

  ‘Come in,’ she shouted. I opened the door and went in to find her playing with her iPhone in bed.

  ‘Morning Lexi, how you feeling?’

  ‘Still fucking pregnant, pissed about it and still fucking sober and alone,’ she grumbled with a scowl.

  ‘Fucking excellent,’ I grinned, with a shake of my head. She was always cranky in the mornings, but this pregnancy seemed to have made her even worse. ‘Coffee?’

  ‘Yes please, the usual.’

  ‘I’ll bring it in for you.’

  ‘What’s going on? You’re all smiley and glowy. You’re never smiley and glowy in the morning.’

  ‘Nothing’s going on, I just had a lovely date last night and I’m happy.’

  ‘O shit. The date, the tatt, how did it go?’ She scrambled into an upright position putting her phone down to look at me.

  ‘Amazing. He looked … wow, the restaurant was gorgeous and he was so attentive. We had sex in his car, then I showed him the tattoo and told him that I loved him.’

  ‘You did it in the car?’ she exclaimed.

  ‘You pick on that to ask me about?’ I put my hands on my hips and looked at her, astonished. ‘I just told someone other than you and my mum that I love them, which is pretty bloody momentous and you pick up on car sex?’

  ‘Hey, I’m getting no action in this state, so I’m living vicariously through you. So was he really happy?’

  ‘Yes, he’d never done it in his car before,’ I teased.

  ‘With you telling him you loved him, not the sex, I know he’ll have loved the sex, he always loves the sex,’ she laughed throwing a pillow at me, which I dodged.

  ‘Lex he was so happy he cried. Tell him I told you that and you’re dead.’

  ‘Bless him,’ she grinned. ‘Wearing makeup and crying, who’d have thought that of macho Gabe? I’m storing that information for a future date so I can blackmail him when I need a favour. So how are you doing? You ok?’

  ‘Happy and completely terrified at the same time. There’s just something in my gut that tells me to trust him, that he won’t let me down, even though there’s still a tiny portion of me that thinks I’m going to get hurt again.’

  ‘Well he’ll have to answer to both of us if he does hurt you Mia. I’m really happy for you. So am I getting this bloody coffee or what?’

  ‘On it,’ I laughed.

  I made three mugs and some plates of buttered toast, left Lexi’s with her and found Gabe sitting up in bed checking his phone. He smiled when I shut the door and passed him his coffee.

  ‘So, what’s the plan for today?’ I asked as I put the plate of toast between us and climbed back in.

  ‘How are you feeling after your attack yesterday?’

  ‘Ok, I’ve come on though, so sex is off the agenda for a while I’m afraid.’

  ‘I told you, it’s not all about sex. Are you in pain today?’

  ‘Just aches in my tummy and back, nothing awful.’

  ‘Well I’m not happy you waiting for a scan, not after yesterday’s attack. I want you to make an appointment at the doctors on Tuesday morning so I can come with you. I’m going to get a private referral for you to be seen quicker. Don’t look at me like that, I’ve made my mind up. I need to know what’s wrong with you so we can fix it.’

  ‘Ok,’I nodded and chewed on my toast. He looked at me astonished.

  ‘Ok? You argue every time I ask you to do something minor and with this I get an immediate ok?’

  ‘Yes, I know how I’d feel if it was you suffering, I’d want you fixed. So ok.’

  ‘Great, easier than I thought, so about the self-defence classes …’

  ‘You’re over reacting now Gabe,’ I interrupted with a sigh. ‘I don’t need to do self-defence.’

  ‘Mia a girl was murdered and left on campus. I don’t want to have to worry about whether you can defend yourself or not. This isn’t negotiable.’ He had his authoritative tone on and I knew better than to argue, after all it was only a few classes, what harm could it do if it kept him happy?

  ‘You’re so bloody domineering,’ I sighed.

  ‘When it comes to looking after you yes and I won’t apologise for it. I’ll look into classes for you and Lexi. So how do you feel about us going out for a walk and Sunday lunch? We could invite Lexi too so she’s not on her own.’

  ‘Sounds perfect and thank you for thinking of Lexi, you’re so sweet. Why don’t you ask Doug too? We missed our chance to fix them up yesterday.’

  ‘Only because you were too hung over after your Friday night out,’ he said, shooting me a disapproving scowl. ‘I’ll grab a shower then give him a ring.’

  I kissed him, watching as he got out of bed and walked to the bathroom with his usual morning hard on, so I followed him in and relieved him with a blow job.

  We both got dressed, each pulling on pairs of dark blue jeans. I put on a black jumper and my timberland boots. Gabe was in a light blue shirt with white collar and cuffs and his navy converses, I loved the way he dressed during the day, casually smart but sizzling hot. I went and found Lexi still in bed.

  ‘Hey Lex, we were thinking of heading out into the country for a walk and Sunday lunch somewhere, will you come with us?’

  ‘Only if you’re not inviting me out of sympathy, I’m perfectly fine here with my popcorn for lunch you know.’

  ‘I promise you Gabe wants you with us. He knows how important you are to me and we haven’t spent as much time together since I started seeing him.’

  ‘Fine then, but no sneaking off to shag in the country bushes, leaving me standing on my own.’

  ‘I’m on.’

  ‘Never stopped me,’ she said with a shrug.

  ‘TMI as you put it Lexi. Well I’m not sure I like the idea, plus Gabe’s insistent he won’t, in case he causes me any more pain.’

  ‘He needs a sainthood that guy, how’s he going to keep it in his p
ants for that long? You two never bloody stop.’

  ‘I’m just going to have to make sure I look after him in other ways aren’t I? Right I’ll find out what time he wants to leave.’ I headed back from my room and found Gabe sat on the edge of the bed on his phone.

  ‘No Doug, I told you she doesn’t know you’re coming alright, so it’s not a date … No, I know you asked her, but she didn’t say yes … How do I know if she’ll say yes if you ask again? I’m just saying she may be a bit surprised to see you, so don’t go for it the minute you get in the car. Try and play it cool will you? ... Well don’t say I didn’t warn you, she’s got a bloody temper on her. Pick you up about 11.30? ... Ok see you then.’

  ‘Sorted?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes and you’ll take any fallout from this,’ he said as I clapped and did a little jig around the room.

  ‘So what time do we need to leave here?’

  ‘11.15 should be fine.’

  ‘Eleven Lexi and wear some comfy walking shoes,’ I yelled out the door and Gabe looked at me surprised. ‘She’s always running late so this way she may be on time. So we’ve an hour to kill, what do you suggest?’

  ‘Well I know what I would’ve suggested, but as that’s off the table, how about we go and stock up on some food shopping as you haven’t been out since last week.’

  ‘But you’re the only one who ever cooks here, if you don’t count our sausage fiasco the other night.’

  ‘Well that’s another thing that’s going to change. I’m going to start teaching you the basics. So in the time we’d normally be fucking, we can be cooking.’

  ‘Doesn’t sound nearly half as much fun,’ I said with a sulk.

  ‘Maybe not, but it’s all I’m doing with you until I know you’re feeling better.’ He stood up and put his arms around my waist and kissed me softly. ‘I’m just going to check your kitchen to see what we need and I’ll book a table for the four of us at two thirty.’

  I quickly swallowed a couple of painkillers while he was out of sight, putting some more in my bag and joined him in the kitchen as he wrote out a list. I felt slightly sick, which wasn’t unusual when I was on, but I wondered if it was my anxiety at my declaration. It was out there now and I couldn’t take it back, even if I wanted to, but I was worried what exceptions he may have now I’d said it. We’d not even talked about our plans for half term, let alone where we saw this relationship going. I shook my head, one step at a time, day by day that’s what we’d agreed after he’d said it to me. Me saying “I love you” didn’t mean that had to change.

  We headed out and soon made it to the M&S outlet, where he loaded up the small trolley and I pulled out my purse at the checkout.

  ‘Put it away, I’m buying these,’ he said.

  ‘No, not again Gabe.’

  ‘Yes. Please put it away.’

  ‘No, this is food for my kitchen, I’m paying,’ I responded giving him a look.

  ‘Mia please don’t argue with me. I’m paying,’ he handed his card to the cashier and I snatched it out of her hand.

  ‘No. Why should you pay Gabe?’

  ‘Mia please, you’re embarrassing the lady, hand my card back over,’ he said firmly, glaring at me.

  ‘No.’ I glared back at him as I passed her my own. He was really pushing my buttons with this chivalrous money thing. I figured he’d be too polite to take my card off her and I was right, so I smiled sweetly at him and didn’t return his card to him, until I was sure mine had been accepted. He gave me another look and I could see his eyes had turned dark and he was tight lipped, a sure sign he was angry with me. I heard him apologise to the cashier as I grabbed the bags and quickly made a beeline for the exit. I’d only made it a few paces outside when he caught up with me.

  ‘What the hell was that?’ he snapped.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Don’t “what” me. You know what, don’t play all innocent,’ he said as he grappled to get the bags out of my hands. ‘Mia for god’s sake give them up, I’m not letting you carry them as well as pay for them,’ he snapped. That got my attention. I put them on the ground and squared up to him.

  ‘So what? As your girlfriend I’m not allowed to buy anything for myself? Or carry a bag anymore? Or is it just because I’m a girl, the weaker sex? I’m not allowed to be good at pool, or have my own money and spend it how I want, is that it?’

  ‘I’m not going to argue with you here in the street Mia.’ He put his hands on his hips as he fixed me with another of his angry glares.

  ‘Tough. I’ve had enough of this domineering macho bullshit. I don’t need you to keep me Gabe.’

  ‘Who said anything about keeping you?’

  ‘Well that’s what you’re trying to do isn’t it? You’re trying to put me in my place, show me who’s the boss. A woman’s place is in the home and the man’s the provider, well just because I said I love you, I’m not your little woman Gabe, it’s not the 1800’s anymore. I’m an equal.’

  ‘Mia, where the hell is this coming from?’ He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair.

  ‘You’re trying to buy me with your money,’ I stated, folding my arms across my chest.

  ‘Trying to buy you?’ He looked at me surprised. ‘I thought I already had you?’

  ‘You do, so stop trying to impress me.’

  ‘I’m not trying to impress you,’ he said looking incredulous.

  ‘Then what are you trying to do?’

  ‘Take care of you.’

  ‘With no ulterior motive?’ I asked full of suspicion.

  ‘What?’

  ‘In my experience when someone tries to buy me things they want something from me.’

  ‘Christ baby, who’s got you so fucked up?’ He muttered as he rubbed his hand over his mouth, while I gasped.

  ‘So now I’m “fucked up” too?’ I put my hands on my hips and scowled at him.

  ‘I didn’t mean it like that, you’re twisting my words. Who’s made you feel that buying things for you, means you owe them something?’

  ‘I just know that gifts normally come with a price Gabe.’

  ‘Mia I’m not trying to buy you, or impress you. I want to take care of you because I’m your boyfriend and I love you and that’s what boyfriends should do. It’s not conditional on anything.’

  ‘I’m just used to it coming with strings attached.’

  ‘So we’re back to the no strings rule are we? I thought we’d moved past that into a relationship?’ I watched as he ran his hands through his hair, he was getting as frustrated with me as I was with him.

  ‘We are in a relationship Gabe,’ I sighed. ‘But it’s not even been two weeks, so this is all pretty new to me. I just need you to be clear that just because I said I love you, you can’t boss me around. I’m independent, I don’t need your money and I won’t be told what I can and can’t do with my life.’

  ‘When have I ever done that Mia?’

  ‘Well you threw me over your shoulder and dragged me out of the bar on Friday, when I was having a really good time. You don’t like me drinking,’ I said confidently, folding my arms across my chest again.

  ‘I don’t like you being wasted and out on the streets without me, especially not when there’s just been a murder. You need to take better care of yourself and if you won’t do that then I will. I won’t apologise for caring Mia. Ok what else is pissing you off?’ He asked as he copied my stance.

  ‘You won’t let me pay for things. I need to pay my own way. I won’t be a kept woman.’ I needed to stand my ground now, no way was he going to try and keep me under his thumb by controlling me.

  ‘A kept woman?! O for god’s sake. Fine. You can pay for your own bloody food shopping in future and chip in towards takeaways or whatever. But if I’m taking you out, or away, then I’m paying and I won’t budge on that. Anything else?’

  ‘Ok that’s fair enough but no, one final point, for now. No dictating what I’m allowed to do with my life.’

  ‘What th
e hell’s going on with you today?’ He shook his head as he looked at me.

  ‘Just because I said I love you Gabe doesn’t put you in charge, it doesn’t mean I’ll bow down to you. I still want to be able to make my own decisions and I don’t want unrealistic expectations that I’m going to be some compliant little stay at home housewife, reliant on hand outs and spewing babies out of my vagina like those lady boys in Thailand do with ping pong balls. I want a career. Why are you looking at me like that?’ I scowled, as he stood there with a big grin on his face.

  ‘You’ve thought about us getting married.’

  ‘No, I haven’t. Believe me, marriage is the last thing on my mind Gabe. Contrary to what you may have heard, not all girls want to settle down and play happy families, or rely on the man to earn the money. I want a career and to keep my independence.’

  ‘Ok. What else independent Mia?’

  ‘I can’t think of anything else at the moment.’ I felt better for having got that off my chest and laying my cards on the table. He could be such a chauvinistic arsehole sometimes, but he was my chauvinistic arsehole and I knew I was hopelessly in love with him.

  ‘Well I’ve got an additional stipulation of my own. When it comes to your health I won’t accept you stalling. You get seen even if that means me paying for you to go privately and I won’t accept any arguments over that. I won’t risk losing you and you know why that’s so important to me.’ He fixed me with his seriously hot don’t fuck with me look. Damn him, playing on my sympathies because of his past, I was going to look totally insensitive if I said no and he was relying it.

  ‘Well you have me over a barrel on that Gabe and you know it, so it’s not as if I can refuse is it?’

  ‘No. So we’re agreed? Now can I just pick up the bloody shopping bags and carry them home without been accused of violating your feminist rights?’

  ‘Not until you kiss me first.’

  ‘But won’t that make me a compliant boring little boyfriend?’

  ‘Just shut up and kiss me.’ I grabbed his jeans and yanked him to me. Bickering made me so much hotter for him.

  ‘Wow,’ he sighed as I broke away. ‘I’m so ready for hot make up sex, too bad we can’t. We need to get back or we’ll be late to pick up Doug.’ He picked up the bags and started walking with me. ‘Don’t think that’s the end of the conversation though Mia, kissing me like that doesn’t make me forget.’