A Life Plan Without You.

by Christine Wood

  “Whatever I had with her was over well over two years ago. When, I found her in bed with someone else, I was devastated and feeling the way you feel now, used and a fool, but the difference is I haven’t used you, I do love you. Oh boy do I love you Michelle. She was my first and yes, I thought I was madly in love with her, I loved her like you say you love me.” I pulled out of his chest.

  “Say I love you? You bastard I do love you, did love you. Shit Sam why are you hurting me like this? What did I do to you to make you hate me like this?” He looked at me not breaking his grip or eye contact the tears flowed from us both.

  “Sorry baby that was a stupid slip I know how much you love me. You want the truth Michelle, really? Well, let me tell you the awful truth, the whole truth all about the fucked up boyfriend, who loves you more than anyone he ever has before. Michelle, I love you, just you. I could never hate you, ever. She was everything to me for a few weeks at best. So help me Michelle I was a fucking hornie geeky and yep freakishly shy nineteen year old virgin, she was the older good looking woman. She came complete with a place to shag in I thought she liked me, I hoped she loved me, but as the weeks went by, I settled for just going there to do it, and her, it was good but not great, and then I’d go home to bed satisfied for a few days, that’s not love baby.

  When I said your first time has to be special, I meant it. I want more for you than I got she broke my heart. She used me for the whole time we were together baby the whole time. Everything was a lie and a show for her boyfriend. I was nothing but a joke and being used for their entertainment, a fucking circus sideshow for her and his fucking perverted friends, people, men, others watched me and that’s what hurt, that I was just there for their fucking amusement, a freak show. For the freaks in that fucking house. All of them watching me be stupid and fuck a whore.” He was sobbing holding me tighter and his grip not loosening on me.

  “She never loved me at all, she lied she had other men. She manipulated me, she used me for what she could get out of me, she made me doubt everything, she was and is evil and I because of this I have massive trust issues, massive. Yes, I’ve had fumbles with loads of girls, but nothing serious. Nothing, just meaningless drunken sex. I had that a lot too and with girls who I only saw and did the once, just in case I fell for any of them, I didn’t ever.

  I just wanted to punish the girls who were stupid enough to go there I wanted them to feel used like me. They were to there for my amusement I didn’t care that I could be hurting them, as long as I got what I thought I wanted it was fine. I hated what I’d done, the instant I’d done it. Most girls were fine with a one off, the others would beg for a repeat, but I never went for a second visit with them, had they turned me down, I may have thought they were worth it, but none of them did, so I just kept on doing it and every time I went out.” Ha, so he was, wham-bam-thank-you Sam for a reason then?

  “I stopped everything, the minute I fell for you dancing down the path, then that New Year’s Eve, I saw you out okay I was drunk and she looked like you, remember though I was so, so drunk, I did actually think it was you Michelle, sorry but I desperately wanted to spend the New Year with you, the girl I’d fallen for and boy was I happy, finally I had you and then I really fucked up, I’d taken you well her to fuck on the market. You, who I wanted so badly, you were about to be taken there and be treated like the rest of those poor girls!

  I was horrified, then I looked down at her again, and it wasn’t you thank God I was so relieved. She begged me to take her begged I changed in that instant, her cries taunted me. Andy went with her, he didn’t care and he pointed her out when we went out the week after. I apologised to her, she said she would give me another chance. I didn’t accept her offer, telling her I was in love with someone else, because I was with you and I didn’t go out again.” I stopped and really listened.

  “I left her untouched and sick to my stomach. I was a monster a sick, fucked up monster. I swore then to change to try to sort things out, to see if you and I had a chance. I watched I waited and I fell deeper. I obsessed over you Michelle, everyday watching you. Yes I’ve lied to you, I broke your rules because I’ve lied to you, because I didn’t want you to hate me without knowing I had changed.

  I began watching James from the last week in October, last year, two weeks in and he was ‘fighting’ that wasn’t a lie, but whilst watching him I saw you, a beautiful girl who caught my eye dancing, on November 18th that wonderful day you danced into my life. I fell for you hard and I led you to believe the times I saw you were accidents of watching Jimmy and they weren’t I was fantasising about the stranger who quite literally danced into my life. So you want honesty try this on for size, after the Christmas break, I’ve taken days off work to watch you play hockey, every match you’ve played I have watched, watched you practice and I watched as you danced in lessons from the back steps.

  I knew that’s where you danced, because I followed you. Lana saw me outside and asked what I wanted? I said to learn to dance and I did Tuesday and Thursday at first because she couldn’t fit me in on a Friday, but I’d come to meet her after her class and watch you instead from the back steps, fantasising about you and me. I needed you Michelle, like I need to breath and what’s confusing me the most is I don’t know why I followed you or why I fell for you as hard as I did or why I needed you like I do? I did though and getting to know you has been the best month of my life.” I could feel his heart beating fast, his tears had wet his shirt front through, his eyes swollen. I held him and when I did this, he sighed.

  “On that wonderful day you danced into my life and for some reason and it changed me. I had to hope you wouldn’t do the same. I won’t just have sex with you, not because I can’t it’s because I don’t want to get hurt like that ever again. I don’t hate you, I couldn’t ever hate you, I love you Michelle. I just thought I needed the security of being married, but shit even marriages lead to divorce, but it’s what my stupid brain thought I needed, security in a promise to stay with me until death do us part. I needed to know you weren’t going to leave me, I love you way more than I’ve ever loved anyone and I ache for you, when you’re not with me.” I love you too more's the pity, because this is killing me, oh how I wish I had more experience, to deal with this.

  “However, that pathetic piece she stole from me, your right it is killing me and us Michelle and I’m sorry so, so sorry but never doubt I love you because I do. You Michelle are more than someone I want to just fuck; never say that again baby. You’re the one I want to marry, I want to marry you, do you hear me I want to marry you, I want to make love to you, it has to be special and it has to mean something special for us both. Yes, I’ve fucked a lot of girls, but I have never slept with anyone, other than you, never held anyone in my arms like this and never yet made love to anyone, that Michelle I want for you, with you, just us together.”

  Sam truly loved a stranger, me and yet he couldn’t tell me why or why he was compelled to watch me. He kissed the top of my head, still crying. His messed up home life, his screwed up sex life before me, my temper and childish rants. All this is new to me, he was and is my first boyfriend, my messed up love is killing me and not doing it is killing me too. Jesus I fidget on his knee, as he sighs and then we continue our truth session, answers still needed…

  “You carry her photo with you so it can’t be over.” I’d admitted seeing the damn photo, I sobbed again. He picked up his jacket from the bench removed the photo, and handed it me.

  “Turn it over, please Michelle.” I did and there was a scribbled message on the back. ‘Don’t give your heart to her or anyone.’ I looked at him. I ripped it into a million small pieces as he smiled. His grip around me loosened. “Every time I looked at that picture, I’d think do I want to be hurt again? I actually had that screwed up in my pocket fully intending to throw it out. But somehow it’s back in the wallet she and it are like the proverbial bad bloody penny, turning up and ruining it for me.” I smiled and sobbed.

  “Mum
took the stuff out of your pocket to dry yesterday. She must have put it back in, that’s how I saw it. I dropped your wallet and it fell out. I should have just asked you, I'm sorry. In the pub though you ignored me you blanked me completely, and you pulled away from me why?” He looked shocked, and visibly hurt.

  “I never thought you two would ever meet, the clash of the woman who had hurt me most, with the one who I love most in the world, that alone sent my head all over the place, I couldn’t face you Michelle. I had such hate in my eyes, something you haven’t seen and you'd been talking to her. I didn’t know what she had said to you I pulled away from her as she touched me I didn’t want her to touch me again, she makes my skin crawl, but you put your arm around me and everything was all right, when I realised you weren’t holding me it was Zoë, I ran to the steps you weren’t there, so I came to see if Shane had seen you.”

  “It was me who reached out to you Sam, I wouldn’t let that bitch put her hands on you, but you pulled away and then fucking Zoë put her arms around you and I didn’t feel like you wanted me? You really thought Zoë was me? So then you didn’t know I’d left you? Zoë shoved me out of the way she smiled as she did it too. You were already upset at her being back in your life, so I walked away, because I really thought you still loved her. I didn't want to lose you, not to her. Andy looked at what Zoë was doing too, and wondered what she was doing. He knew that she had pushed me out of the way to comfort you and that was my place not hers. I didn’t get a chance to put my arms around you again, she wasn't for moving and she knows you better than me, everyone it seems knows you better than me.”

  “No, she must be wearing your perfume? So I didn’t realise not until I put my arm over hers, and they weren’t yours, she held me so tightly and I couldn’t see you just smell you, I thought we were fine. Then, when I finally calmed down. I panicked then I asked where you were, she laughed and said you’d gone to sulk. Andy told me you had actually run off crying and he’d gone to follow, but you weren’t outside, he didn’t want to leave me.

  I ran to your favourite run to place, couldn’t see you, so well I came here, I found you. I love you Michelle, really I do, I can’t do this anymore though, I want you in my life, but can’t do that with you yet, I want to I really want to, but what if you too break my heart all over again and leave me? It would be worse this time because I can’t live without you.”

  Shit, he was screwed up from what she had done to him and I was catching the fallout from what that spiteful cow had done to him, but looking in his eyes I could see the sadness, his touch said he loved me his words too, though they were cutting me in two. I cried again, and then I processed what he had just said, shit he was dumping me.

  “Cazzo vaffanculo, let me get this straight, so you’re dumping me just in case I completely lose the plot and cheat on you. Is that it?” I'm as mad as hell I’m falling apart because he’s insecure about me, shit my heads hurting, perhaps he’s right I’m not ready to deal with all this crap?

  “I love you too much Michelle, perhaps this is too much, too soon for you, I’m too much for you, I will back off and leave you alone. You’re not ready I can see that now.” I got up, continuing my rant at him. Oh, my giddy aunt how can I be in love with him? My fella is ohhh he’s in for the biggest Missy-fit ever, because my angel is a fucking moron.

  “You don’t really know me at all then. You love me too much this is all too much, too soon? So Sam you're dumping me? Like hell you are, that’s a load of tosh. If you loved me at all yet alone as much as you say you do you would be fighting for us, but no run away Sam, leave me… Hells teeth Samuel-Fucking-Todd you can’t leave me you love me too much. You watched me for months not the other way around, so go screw yourself Samuel Todd, you love me too much just to dump me, don’t bloody kid yourself you will sleep with me, because you love me and it’s what I want. Sam all this would go away if I had a stupidly expensive ring on my finger would it?

  Well tough… I’m too young and too stupid to marry you. I think tonight proves we’re not ready to get married. There have been too many lies and too many secrets. So yes you’re right, we go our separate way now, before I fall so deeply in love with you, that I can’t think straight when I’m not with you, miss you when I can’t hear you or smell you or touch you. Oh wait… It’s too sodding late for that too because I already love you all those ways. Sam, you are a bloody idiot, I don’t just want to have sex with just anyone because if I did I could go in there and get anyone to fuck me, if that’s what I wanted? You’ve seen the looks I get, I know for a fact that both of your fucking brothers would do it me and in a heartbeat.”

  Stick that one in your pipe Samuel-Fucking-Todd. Oh, this feels so good and oh so overdue, my rant at him continued, my voice getting louder, all the time, and my hands waving in the air and pointing, gosh I was in a little bit of a bad mood…

  “It will be easy as crap to get anyone else to fuck me Sam dead easy, but I don’t want that, I want you just you. Fuck knows why though you’re damned hard work? You will spend thousands on jewellery, clothes, days and nights out and the thing I want more than all that is the biggest thing you can give me, it’s that commitment thing you want here’s the kicker Sam I want it too and you. I told you if we did that it would be forever. I don’t lie Sam are you that fucking dumb you didn’t realise that was like saying yes I would marry you, how many times have I told you I won’t give it to just anyone, one man only would get that and keep me and that was you, you fucking moron.

  I wanted you that way, and not all the crap you buy me, just to buy yourself more time until you decide if I’m worthy enough of getting what all the girls in heaven have sodding had! I want you and just you not the cop out gifts you get me, but fuck knows why, so right what to do then? Should I go in there and prove it seeing as your dumping me, is this what you want Sam? So help me Jesus if I walk away I won’t be coming back ever. That much I can promise you Sam!

  I can’t tell you in any other way than I have just how much I love you, so I thought giving myself to you would prove just how much I loved you, but no you it seems don’t see it like that, you see it as a tool for me to get my claws into you, fuck you use you and then dump you. We, it seems, think totally different things about what the your taking of my gift from me actually meant, it meant forever Sam it meant I was yours forever...” Crap more tears, I feel sick again I’m ranting am I making any sense the words are there I can’t tell him just how much I love him, oh hell I’m going to throw up, badly, I take a deep breath and wobble on my legs, as I continue the rant, in for a penny and all that shit…

  “I thought, stupidly as it now seems, giving you that gift would make you mine Sam, nobody else’s just mine. Well that’s what it would mean to me. Boy, you’re an arsehole and I’m the biggest poor fool I know for falling so madly and deeply in love with you, what can I do Sam? I can’t stop loving you and you love me too, fucking hell I hate this crap, what do I fucking know about love and sex apart from its killing me, not being able to have you, like all the those many others have had you, others who, I might add, you didn’t even profess to fucking love, all the names on toilet doors can have that but not me, why, why not Sam? Do you not think I’m screwed up about that, that’s the biggest commitment I will ever make to someone? You idiot I chose to give you that to just you, so hahaha lets see who wants the gift I have then shall we, who do I choose then Andy, James or one of the Jolly’s?”

  I walked off and he ran after me and grabbed my arm. He held me tightly, his eyes bloodshot, his face pale. I have never sworn as much in my whole life, but he’s making me angrier and angrier. I shrug myself from his grip and walk off. He grabs me again and I can’t move from his grip this time. His mouth kisses me hard, I want to go and then he breaks down in a sea of tears and kisses, we lose ourselves in the madness, our kisses are wild and hard, if we were in a room locked away from the world we would be having the best make-up-sex right now, the feelings zapping throughout my body are electrifying
his too feels the same the tingles and the friction is weird yet wonderful, this was more way more passionate and frenzied than first contact alley. We pulled away from each other breathless and I walk away.

  “Stop, no don’t, I don’t want you too, I just can’t lose you, please don’t Michelle. I want to be the one, I want to be the one to take your virginity please I would love that gift from you. I know how much you love me and shit, I’m so happy that’s what giving me that part of yourself to me means to you, why was I so stupid you told me enough, sorry Michelle, I’m really sorry I should have listened properly and told you everything before now, is it too late for us?

  Have I ruined it all? Please Michelle I don’t want anyone other than you, you’ve changed me. I am nothing without you. I promise Saturday will be the best night of your life, our life if you still want me?” His voice no more than a whisper as he held me tightly. I wanted him now, he had me in his arms kissing me, and I melted into his body, my tears had turned into chest hurting sobs. He kissed me gently, shit what was all this? I loved him so much, but the crap that came with him was too much for me, we needed to talk, he still had me in his arms when the rain started falling.

  “This celebrating stuff’s hard work, are you supposed to argue like this because if it is let’s not do any more celebrating crap? Next month just you and me in a quiet hotel room having sex lots of sex please? That’s if you’ve taken the fucking, hint yet Mr Todd?” He wiped my eyes and I wiped his. “This being in love crap, is hard bloody work, Sam.”

  “So there will be a next month then? Yes, yes I’d love that Mi cielo, all weekend with you in a nice country hotel room, umm so my commitment was a ring, yours was your gift, shit I am dumb aren’t I? I should be on my knees begging your forgiveness, but we commit at the weekend and you girl will accept the ring too afterwards, that’s the deal breaker! We both need this baby we need each other and if I had any doubts they disappeared after that very rude wordy row, you need your mouth washing out you said the f-word quite a few times baby, considering you don’t swear, you managed that because of me! ”