After the War

by Jessica Scott

  The tears she was fighting spilled down her cheeks and she couldn’t take a deep enough breath to fill her lungs. She merely nodded, unable to find words that would get past the block in her throat.

  He squeezed her shoulder again. “I hope you can figure out how to work with difficult people without cussing them all out,” he said dryly.

  “I’ll work on that, sir.” Her hands trembled and her breath wouldn’t fill her lungs. “Thank you, sir. I won’t let you down.”

  “I know you won’t.”

  She stepped out of his office, needing air. Space. Something. Escaped down the hall to her office. Sat silently at her desk, staring at the picture of her and Jack the day they’d graduated from Officer Candidate School.

  She wasn’t going to have to leave Anna.

  She was going to stay behind when Sean deployed. A thousand emotions twisted in her heart. She covered her mouth with her hand. Her eyes burned.

  Her breath lodged in her throat. A lump blocked her air. She swallowed hard and blinked rapidly. Her mind started racing, revving up slowly to the hundred miles an hour that she remembered so well from her previous time in command.

  She looked down at her phone. At the photo of her and Anna. Hot relief prickled over her skin.

  There was a quiet knock on her door. She turned to see Claire looking down at her. “You know, for someone who has a job across post, you’re here an awful lot,” Sarah said, trying in vain to lighten the mood in her heart. She’d gotten her wish.

  “I make excuses.” Claire tipped her chin at her. “You okay?”

  “I’m going to be the rear detachment commander.”

  Claire said nothing for a long moment. “You really did fuck up, didn’t you?”

  Sarah laughed because it was so sad that it was true. Rear D was a difficult job at best. “Scared,” she admitted. “A little nervous.”

  “You won’t be downrange with Sean,” Claire said finally.

  “That’s part of it.” Her heart ached in her chest, burning with fear, with sadness. With relief and guilt that she would not be on the team going forward. “This isn’t going to be easy,” she whispered.

  Claire stepped into the office and pulled her into a quick hug. “I’m here for you. Just like always.”

  Sarah sank into her friend’s embrace. Claire had been there for her in so many ways over the years. “Thank you.”

  * * *

  Sean looked up as Sarah stepped into his office and closed the door. He felt rough and ragged, the strain from the last couple of days etched into his skin. His eyes were dark and weary, filled with sadness and grim determination. Her heart broke for him a little more.

  “I hear you’re in need of an XO,” she said lightly.

  “Yep. Apparently, I’m getting a kid from the battalion headquarters. Miller, I think is his name.”

  “I hear good things about him. Not sure if he’ll be able to hang with you and Morgan, though.”

  “He used to work with Ben Teague. Apparently, he’s got quite a sarcastic little mouth on him.”

  “That will keep things interesting,” Sarah said, sinking down into his couch. “How’s Kearney?” she asked.

  “He’s okay. He’s been talking to the chaplain. Kitty felt bad for him and is talking to him again.” Sean cleared his throat roughly. “I think it’s going to be a long time before Kearney’s steady on his own again.”

  Sarah looked at him, her eyes filled with something unreadable. It had been a long time since he’d seen that look in her eyes and the memory of the last time he had was not a good one.

  “How are you?” she asked softly.

  He pressed his lips into a flat line. “Coping.” It had been less than a day since she’d spent the night with him. Less than a day since he’d woken up with her tangled in his arms, her cheek pressed to his shoulder. She’d stayed. She’d checked on him. By text. With e-mails.

  And now, by stopping in to see him. But looking at her now, he wasn’t sure what was on her mind. She was quiet, and far too still.

  “Sarah?” He shifted then, moving to sit next to her on the dingy couch.

  She fisted her hands together in her lap. “I’m going to be the rear detachment commander.”

  Something close to joy surged in his heart but judging by her expression, she was not feeling the same emotion. He brushed his hand over her cheek, urging her toward him. “This is not a bad thing.” He rested his head against the top of hers, holding her close, terrified of ever letting her go.

  “It’s not about me.” Her eyes filled. “I…don’t want to lose you, Sean. And last night…I felt like you were gone somewhere that I couldn’t follow.” She did not look away. “I haven’t done what you’ve done during this war.”

  “And I don’t want you to. I don’t want you to have the memories I’ve got. The nightmares. I know you don’t want to do the Rear D but…” He cupped her face. “But I won’t apologize for being glad you won’t face this deployment.”

  Her smile was flat. “This is why we broke up in the first place,” she whispered.

  “No. We broke up before because I was an ass who didn’t want his wife to be a soldier.” He stroked his thumb over her skin. “I respect and admire the woman you’ve become, Sarah. But I can’t be sorry that you won’t have the nightmares that follow me home after the war.” He brushed his lips against hers. “Please don’t ask me to be sorry for that.”

  “I…I can’t lose you, too.” Her voice broke. Her arms slipped around his waist as the vicious sob racked her body. He held her while she cried. There was nothing else he could do. His throat closed as she released the emotions she’d been struggling to contain.

  Her fear was real.

  Her fear was his.

  Because in the short time she’d been back in his life, he’d grown to care about her more than he’d thought possible—with anyone, let alone Sarah. He held on to the woman in his arms, wishing there was some way he could guarantee that he would be safe, that he would come home to her and not leave her alone.

  He couldn’t even protect his boys when they were home. Grief threatened to rise up again. He closed his eyes, letting it come, not fighting it.

  It helped, releasing it.

  It hurt when she leaned back to look at him and knew she saw the red around his own eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  “I wish I could tell you that it will be okay,” he said, cupping her cheeks. “I’d give anything to promise you that I would come home. To give you that security.” He brushed his lips over hers. “But I can’t make that promise. And I can’t ask you to wait for me.” He lowered his forehead to hers. “I won’t do that to you again.”

  She closed her eyes, covering his hands with hers. “You’re an idiot,” she said.

  He laughed then and pulled her close. “This is not news.”

  She leaned up, brushing her fingertips over his cheek then threaded her fingers with his. “I don’t know how much time we have in this lifetime.” She lifted her gaze to his. His heart pounded in his ears. “But however long it is, I want to spend it with you, Sean.”

  His eyes burned again and he jammed his thumb and index finger into them, pushing away the moisture. It was a long time before he spoke. “I want that,” he said. “I want to be there for you. For Anna. I know…I’ll never be her dad but…”

  “Her dad was a good man,” Sarah said. “And so are you.” She rubbed her thumb over his. “You won’t be perfect. None of us are. But we can try. And we can do it together. And we can do the best we can.”

  He reached for her then, pulling her against him, needing the feel of her body against his. Needing the assurance that she was real.

  “I’d very much like it if you’d spend the night,” she whispered.

  “Like a sleepover? Should I bring a toothbrush?”

  She slapped his chest. “I’m serious.”

  He crushed her to him then, kissing her fiercely, pouring a thousand unsaid things into that k
iss, things he was still searching for the words to say. “I am, too.”

  Epilogue

  Sean wanted nothing more than to take a shower and sit on the couch with Sarah and Anna. He was back from a forty-five day rotation at the National Training Center and he was hot and tired and had never been more nervous in his entire life.

  Okay, that wasn’t entirely true. He’d been this nervous once before. But that was a long time ago and there was a hell of a lot more riding on tonight than ever before.

  He walked into Sarah’s house, a space that she had welcomed him into. It felt like home.

  Because it was.

  He opened the front door and stepped into a wall of chaos. Six little girls screamed by him in a cloud of frilly ribbons. Sarah stuck her head around the doorway to the kitchen. Her eyes lit up when she saw him and she crossed the space to him. “Hey, you didn’t tell me you were coming home tonight.”

  “Snuck back early. Didn’t want to miss munchkin’s birthday,” he said, dropping his duffle bag by the door. He pulled her tight and close, savoring the feel of her against him. “God you smell great.”

  “That would be cake,” she said against his neck. “Anna has decided she wants princess cupcakes for her birthday and since it’s already after five and there’s nowhere for me to pull these out of my fourth point of contact at the moment, I’m making cupcakes.”

  “Rear D commander and maker of cupcakes.” He nuzzled her neck. “You are a woman of many talents. Marry me.” He stiffened as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

  She leaned back. “You okay? You’re acting funny.”

  “I’m…Shit.” He took a step back.

  “Sean?”

  “Hell, I didn’t mean to do this right now.” He pulled the small black box out of his pocket. “I wanted to take you to dinner and do this right but…”

  Her eyes filled and she bit her lips, saying nothing.

  “I’m going back downrange in a few more weeks.” He closed his eyes. “And I know that’s not time for a real wedding or anything but…I want to go knowing that…if something happens to me, you’ll be taken care of. I want the official stuff lined up.”

  “Jesus, what happened at NTC?” she said.

  “Nothing. I…I’ve been trying to figure out how to do this and well, basically I just screwed it all up, didn’t I?”

  She wrapped her arms around his waist. “It’ll go down in history as far as terrible proposals go,” she murmured against his mouth. “Is it wrong that I don’t want to do this part?”

  He stilled, bracing for her to say no to him again. Everything they’d built was still so fragile, so unsettled. “What part?”

  “The prepare-in-case-something-bad-happens part.” She rested her head against his chest. “Part of me wants to be stupid and say no so that if we’re not married, the war won’t take you away from me.”

  He tipped her chin up to look at him. “You’re smarter than that,” he whispered.

  “Not really thinking rationally at the moment.” Her eyes shimmered with tears.

  “I know.” He crushed her to him then. “I know.” He pressed his lips to the top of her head. “I won’t push you. If you want to wait, we can wait.”

  She tightened her arms around his waist, then leaned back. “I’m terrified.” She brushed her lips against his. “But I would very much like to be your wife.”

  Sean’s fingers shook as he slipped the ring on Sarah’s finger. The last of the knots binding his heart fell away and he held her close. Something simmered between them, desire and something more.

  “What time are the kids going to bed?” he asked against her lips.

  She smiled and it was brilliant. “Not soon enough.”

  Later, after giggling girls were in bed, he lay in the bed she shared with him. The scent of vanilla twined around his body, beckoning to him in the dark corridor of his dreams. Warmth wrapped around him and tugged at him, dragging him fully into the moment with her body pressed against his. Petting, sipping kisses as he slid her clothes off. A keening need rose inside him as she sighed and shifted closer. Her breath was cool against his neck and one palm rested above his heart. He curled his fingers over hers, enjoying the softness of her skin. Her name was a whisper on his lips. A prayer.

  Her hand slid lower and crept beneath the edge of his T-shirt to rest on his stomach. He rolled until they lay facing each other. He cradled her neck in one hand while her head rested on his arm. She kissed him then, slow and deep, and Sean lost himself in the feel of her response. When she eased away, he mourned the loss of her touch. His fingers twisted in her hair as his heart pounded in his ears. Her response overwhelmed him. He drowned in her taste and the sensations of her body and her soul reaching out to claim him.

  He lost himself in her and realized that he’d found everything he’d been looking for. She shivered at his touch, at the stroke of his fingers across her belly. He rolled with her, until she lifted her hips beneath him, telling her with his body what he lacked in words.

  He held her face cradled in his palms and felt the wetness. He tasted the salt of her tears against his lips and waited until she opened her eyes. He saw doubt and fear and a thousand points of love looking back at him.

  His heart tightened in his chest. He threaded his fingers with hers, savoring the feel of her ring pressing into him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he felt her deeply indrawn breath. Her fingers slipped beneath his shirt and she traced her nails over his skin, even as she arched beneath him, her sex rubbing against his erection, creating the most forbidden sensation.

  Her smile was sad as she stroked his cheek. He pushed up on his elbows and watched her, savoring the sensation of her beneath him.

  “What?” she whispered when he didn’t move.

  “I think I’m still in shock,” he said, cradling her cheek.

  “About what?”

  “That you said yes.” He kissed her then, deeply as he slipped inside her. Slowly, he moved deeper, deeper until she encircled him.

  He cupped her breasts and his body tightened at the softness in his palms. He stroked her softly and felt her breathing quicken as he freed her from the restraints. She tasted like vanilla and sweetness and the quiet gasps aroused him more than any other sound he’d ever heard.

  His chest hair crinkled against her nipples even as his erection stroked her. The feel of his body above hers stroked a heat to life inside her that was light and dark, love and desire all twined together. She rocked beneath him and he gave himself over to the heat threading through his blood and dragging him under to a warm place.

  Her soft gasps as he dragged his teeth over the soft skin beneath her ear sent him closer to the edge. He barely smothered a gasp of his own as she urged him to move. He barely stroked her but felt her drenched sex swollen and soft. He wanted her. He ached for her.

  And when she guided him inside her, he forgot about the worry, about the next deployment and focused only on her. She met his slow thrusts with her own, rising up to take him deep inside her. Her thighs wrapped tight around his waist and he stayed there, lost inside her and completely found.

  She kissed him then and when she lifted her hips to his, he ceased to think at all, drowning in the pleasure of her touch. And when she shattered beneath him, his own climax ripped from his body with such a force he nearly lost consciousness. She shivered and quaked beneath him even as the last pulsing bursts destroyed him.

  He rolled until she was on top of him, their bodies still joined, and felt sleep pulling him down like a drug. The only sounds in the silence were the two wounded heartbeats, beating in sync. Whole. Healed.

  Together.

  Author’s Note

  Thank you for reading After the War. Sean and Sarah are the first characters I ever wrote and though this version has been edited and revised a lot, it's still a version of the first story I ever put on paper. I started them way back in 2007, when my husband was deployed for the second time and I was in Officer
Candidate School. I remember the first day I wrote the first line. I was sitting in Building 4 at Fort Benning, Georgia, waiting for class to start. One of my classmates who'd deployed was ripping one of the members of his platoon a new one for something that seemed so trivial at the time. But it wasn't. It was something he'd seen matter downrange. And that was the spark that started everything: what does war do to men and women who lead soldiers? And how does it affect their decisions when they’re home, knowing they are going back to war.

  I’ve made some of those decisions now. I hadn’t when I started writing this book. But those decisions influence my writing now in a way they couldn’t before I’d gone to war myself.

  Second, this is probably the darkest book I've ever written. I don't expect everyone to love it. I wrote about some of the dark realities of war that I haven't tackled directly before, because I felt like it was the right time and the right characters to engage with these issues. I expect there will be mixed reviews of this one, if not outright hatred of this book because the choices that Sean and Kearney and Smith had to make are not easy ones. They are not easy to understand if you haven’t been there and even if you have, we all come at these situations from different points of view and different moral world views.

  Third, Sarah is probably the most difficult character I've tried to write. She's made choices that many people probably won't agree with and may even despise her for. But they are choices that women in the military - especially mothers in the military, have to make all the time. I have made and wrestled with many of the decisions Sarah faced and I used my writing about them as a way to turn them over and examine them in the safe space of a novel.

  Fourth, I wrote this book out of fear. My husband was on his second deployment. After his first deployment, we both knew what that meant. His first tour in 04 was bad. When we decided to stay in after he came home, we knew it meant he was going to war and that I too, would get my turn. We stayed knowing we had two little girls counting on us. There were a lot of reasons why we stayed and many more reasons why we probably should have gotten out. This book is an exploration of those choices and the fear that comes with them along with the pride and fulfillment that comes with being a soldier for both men and women.