Dirty Cowboy

by Alycia Taylor

  At around two o’clock I hadn’t heard back from him and I finally decided he wasn’t coming back. I sent him a text that said:

  “Leaving work. Please let me know all is well.”

  I got my stuff together and said goodnight to Greg and Victoria and decided that I’d drive by his apartment and see if he was there. I felt a little bit like Mitch…like a stalker, driving by to spy on him. But if he was there, I planned on stopping, just to make sure that he was okay. When I got to the apartment the first thing I noticed was that his big truck wasn’t in its usual spot. That truck was hard to miss, but I drove through the rest of the lot just to make sure. When I saw it wasn’t there, I just went on home.

  My mom was sitting on my couch watching television when I got home. She had fixed herself all up and looked like she was ready for a night on the town. When I was little and I’d asked her once why she looked so pretty to just stay at home, she told me, “What if there’s a fire, honey? Firemen are very handsome. I wouldn’t want them seeing me looking like a mess.”

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “Hi, Jessie. How was work?”

  “It was okay. Did you find something for lunch?”

  “I did. I ate what looked to be your leftovers from last night. Good chicken, amazing peanut sauce. You didn’t make all that just for yourself, did you?”

  My mother, the detective. I chose not to answer her and instead I asked, “Do you have enough room for your things in the dresser and closet in there?”

  “Yes, baby. You don’t have to worry about me, I’ll be fine. Oh, I put your laundry in the dryer. Fancy dinner and she washed her sheets.”

  “Mom, don’t start.”

  She put her bottom lip out and said, “I don’t know why you won’t talk to me.”

  “About what, Mom? There’s nothing to talk about.”

  “I’m a woman too. I know the signs of a man being around. Why not just tell me about him. Why are you hiding him?”

  “I’m not hiding anyone, Mom. Let it go, okay?” I went into the kitchen, then, to look for something to eat myself. My mother followed me and I could feel her eyes boring into the back of my head. I finally just snapped. “Knock it off! I’m twenty-three years old! All of a sudden you want to be a mother and I’m supposed to just know how to have that relationship with you? I have no experience with that.”

  “What do you mean? Why are you yelling at me?”

  With a heavy sigh I said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you…but you need to let it go.”

  “Wow! You won’t even consider calling Justin yet you’re sleeping with a man you have to hide.”

  “Oh, that’s it! I’m not like you, okay! Not at all! And in case you were wondering, that was no accident. I practiced my whole life to make sure it didn’t happen. You were the last thing I ever wanted to be. You’ve always been addicted to men. You think your looks entitle you to things and you don’t have to work for them…and you’re a drug addict! So no, I have no experience with having a good mother…the kind you want to talk to about things. You were a horrible mother and sometimes I don’t know why I don’t just hate you for it!”

  I was so passionately ranting that I didn’t even realize that my mother had tears streaming down her face. It wasn’t that it meant much. She was a drama queen and an addict; she could turn them off and on at the drop of a hat.

  She didn’t say a word. Instead she turned and walked out. I followed her, suddenly feeling terrible for saying such horrible things to her…even if they were true. “Mom,” I called after her. She ignored me and went into the bathroom. Just as I stepped up behind her the door closed in my face and I heard it lock.

  “Oh geez, Mom…really? This is really not very mature of you. If you’re angry with me just come out and tell me so.” There was no sound coming out of the bathroom. I reached out and tried the handle but I had been right, it was locked. “Come on, Mom. You’re being ridiculous. I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings, okay?”

  “Hmph!”

  I rolled my eyes. She couldn’t see me. “Mother, this is ridiculous. You’re acting like a child!”

  “I guess I have a history of it,” she said. “Maybe that’s what makes me such a horrible mother! I haven’t taken a single pill in months and since you never come around, you would have no idea how hard that is for me! I just lost the only person in the world other than you that I thought cared about me and now you tell me what a bad mother I’ve been…”

  God, she was a master at the guilt thing. I felt a pang beginning in my chest and I knew she had won. It was the reason I usually didn’t say anything at all. She always ended up winning. “Mom.” My tone was less hostile now, apologetic, I hoped. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m just having a bad day. I didn’t mean it.”

  “Words hurt more than a slap in the face,” she said.

  “I know, I’m truly sorry. Please come out here and talk to me.” Before she could answer me, my phone rang. “Shoot! Mom, I’m going to get that because I’m waiting for a call…about work,” I lied. “I’ll be right back.” I went in the living room and picked up my phone. It was Paul. “Hey! Are you okay? Is Marie okay?”

  “Can you meet me by the lake where we swam that day?”

  “Yeah…sure. Is everything okay? What happened?”

  “I’ll be at the lake in fifteen minutes. Meet me there, okay? I’ll explain it all to you then. And Jessie…”

  “Yeah?”

  “Please make very sure that you’re not followed, okay? Mitch has been driving a brown four-door car…but he could be in anything. If it looks like anyone is following you, don’t come.”

  “Okay, but…” Before I could say anything else, the line went dead. I was beginning to feel like I was trapped in a spy novel.

  I heard the bathroom door crack open just then. I went over and looked my mother in the face and tried to remember all of the good things about my life…there were a lot. “I’m truly sorry, Mom. I love you. Thank you, for everything you have done for me. Thanks for being my mom.”

  She started crying again and hugged me. “I love you too.”

  “Good,” I told her with a smile. “I have to go meet a client, but I’ll be back in a bit and we’ll figure out dinner, okay?”

  “Okay,” she said with a smile.

  ********

  I walked outside and surveyed the parking area and the street along my apartment complex. I didn’t see any brown cars. Remembering what Paul said, I looked again as I walked to my car at each and every other one, trying to make sure they were all empty. There was one with a lady and a baby inside and one with a teenage boy on his phone. Neither of them looked like Mitch, or a cop. I still felt paranoid as I got into my car and drove toward the lake. I even slowed as I passed the gym to see if anyone behind me might think I was turning in there. The other cars seemed annoyed with me, but otherwise not interested. I found a spot to park near the entrance to the lake and hiked along the little path the rest of the way there. Paul wasn’t there yet.

  I stood facing the lake with all sorts of scenarios playing out in my head. I was afraid for him and his sister and his nephew…and maybe even me just a little bit. When I heard Paul walking up behind me I startled and turned around so quickly that I almost fell into the lake. “Hi,” I said. His face looked drawn with worry.

  “Hi. Thanks for coming.”

  “Of course. I’ve been so worried.”

  He reached out and softly brushed a piece of hair off my face and tucked it behind my ear. It was a simple gesture, but so intimate that it made me shiver a little. “I’m sorry we’ve worried you.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I wouldn’t be worried if I didn’t… If you weren’t my friend.” I was about to say, “Care about you,” but that had so many connotations that I didn’t think we were ready for yet.

  “Mitch found out where Marie was staying.”

  “Oh my God! How? Is she okay?”

  “We’re not sure. I think he found out
where Victor was going to school and maybe followed them home from there. Sensei was there, thank goodness and he threatened to call Mitch’s supervisor if he didn’t leave. He left, but he’ll be back.”

  “What is she going to do?”

  “I have to take them away again. They’re going to have to start over again.” His fists were balled up next to his sides and I knew how angry that made him without hearing him speak the words. It suddenly dawned on me that he had said, “I have to take them away.”

  “You’re going too?” He looked sad, but determined.

  He nodded and said, “I have to. They need me. I have to get them to some place safe and get them settled. Marie has a really hard time getting a job…her history is so sketchy with jobs from one town to the next and leaving them with no notice…she can’t get government aid because Mitch just uses it to track her.”

  “What about the police, Paul? Can’t they help you?”

  “I don’t trust them. Mitch has told them all that Marie stole Victor for no reason. He has the old evidence against her that he kept…and he keeps telling me that he can have me arrested in a heartbeat and make the charges stick.”

  “The charges? What can he make stick?” I was confused.

  “He says he’ll frame me. He’ll do something and make it look like it was me, set me up.”

  “Oh my God. What a horrible man.” I knew that was stating the obvious, but I was just appalled. Poor Paul…this was no way to live his life…. “Oh shit! What about your fights?”

  “They’ll have to stay on hold for now…until we get rid of Mitch somehow.”

  “Oh, Paul,” I put my hand on the side of his face. I felt so bad for him and so helpless. I didn’t want him to go for me as well. I was just getting used to him. He put his hand over mine and then slid it across his lips and kissed it. Then he leaned in and kissed me on my lips and said, “I’m sorry, Jessie.”

  “It’s okay, it’s not your fault,” I said. My heart was breaking for him. It had to be so hard to keep starting over. “Please be safe.”

  “I will. You too,” he said. I stood by the lake and watched him leave. When he got back to the little lot he got into a small yellow sports car. It must be his Sensei’s or someone else who was helping them. I stood there until he drove away. I felt bad for him and for Marie and for Victor…but I felt bad for myself as well.

  PULSE THREE

  Chapter One

  Today would make a week since Paul took off to parts unknown to “protect” his sister and his nephew. Today would also make a week since I’d heard from him at all. He hadn’t sent me any clue as to whether or not he was okay. No texts, no phone calls. No reason to believe he was even thinking about me at all. Life went on though…and on. I trudged through the days, fending off more of my mother’s annoying questions while I had my oatmeal in the morning and as I suffered through dinner with her every night. She wondered why I wouldn’t just tell her who I was seeing. What was the big secret? I left the apartment for work every morning just wishing for a few moments of peace. Why in God’s name it suddenly meant so much to her whether or not I had a man in my life and who that man was, was beyond me. She was refraining from bringing up the dealer ex-boyfriend at least since the day that I yelled at her. I guess I should be thankful for small favors. Why she was still talking to him was another thing I couldn’t fully comprehend.

  This morning was no different than any other for the past week. I left the house with my head pounding and started to get into my car. It was such a nice day and I was so wound up that I decided to walk to work. I had a new client coming in today, but not until nine, so I had time. Maybe it would clear my head and once I got to work I’d be able to concentrate and not let all the crap running through my head take over. My new client’s name was Justin Dover….how ironic was that? Sometimes I wondered if the cosmos conspired against me for their own personal amusement.

  As I took off walking I realized that this was exactly what I needed. With each stride my mind became clearer, more determined to stop letting people move in and set up camp there. First it was Paul and then Mitch and Paul’s sister and now my mother. If I really thought about it, I had no problems that were my own. I have a good job a great place to live and if people would seriously just leave me the hell alone…I’d be doing great. As I walked I tried visualizing myself putting distance between them and the heavy emotional chain around my neck that they had all become. The sunlight was warm and inviting and made it easier for me to imagine the promise of a new day. I promised myself that I would attack this one day without giving consideration to a mother who could honestly care less about me, an ex-boyfriend whose name I would love to never hear again and a guy who I was beginning to think of as my boyfriend who hasn’t found the time to so much as call me in a week. I wish that I could entomb everything I felt for him behind a steel wall and throw away the key. It was unlikely that I’d ever see him again…or hear from him. It was fun for the week or two it lasted…

  Shit! There I go again. I started pounding my feet on the pavement in a rhythm. This was the path to my future. No looking back. I’m in command of it all…my mind, my body and my soul. I walked a little faster watching the city change with practically every step. My neighborhood is strictly working class…not poor but definitely nothing like the affluence I was seeing now, two blocks over. This neighborhood was an eclectic mixture of old money houses and upscale markets with smooth glass exteriors and fancy names that most people can’t even pronounce. They’re the kinds of places where the atmosphere smells like perfume and sounds like smooth jazz. The staff is well-groomed and they don’t wear spandex like we do.

  Two blocks later I begin passing the pawn-shops that have been operating since the things they now hock as antiques were new and where the liquor stores and mom and pop supermarkets elbow each other for space. As I passed the bowling alley that’s been closed for almost a decade now I realized that if a person were to only look at the lost souls who camped in the weedy lot out in back of it the would have no idea what the weather was like in our city. One man sat next to his tent wearing nothing but a pair of well-used boxer shorts and another sat about five feet away next to a cardboard hut wearing a camouflage army jacket, wool beanie and gloves. There were others, but this was the part of the walk when I reminded myself to speed up.

  I turned right on the next street I came to and made my way through suburbia. The houses all seem to be poured from the same molds and the lawns were exactly the same height and shade of green. I passed them with the gym looming in the distance and let myself wonder briefly if I would ever be a part of that kind of life…Would I ever live in a nice house on a nice street and drive a nice car. Would I have dinner every night with my nice husband and tuck my nice baby into bed at night? Or, was I destined to be alone, carrying around everyone else’s problems on my shoulders.

  I arrived at the end of the street and on the far side of the gym. I saw Mark getting out of his sleek black Camaro. I waited out of sight until I saw him disappear inside. I’d asked Jeff and Sam to take over his sessions. For some reason he had gone from Mr. Polite and Respectful to a horn dog in a matter of weeks it seemed. Maybe he broke up with his girlfriend or something…I had no idea. I also had no desire to go out with him, and even less to have to tell him no every single day. Since Paul hadn’t been around for a week, he seemed to be getting more determined.

  I slipped into the front door and clocked in. Debbie was at the desk. “Hey girl! You look all fresh and pink-cheeked. Are you having a good morning?”

  I smiled at her and said, “Average at best. The pink cheeks are from walking here.”

  “Oh you should have called me. I would have picked you up.”

  “It’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with my car. I just felt like walking. I needed to work off some frustration.”

  “Sexual…I hope?” I didn’t need to turn around to know it was Mark’s voice.

  Before I had a chance to say anything Debb
ie said, “Knock off the sexually harassing comments Mark or I’ll have Sam show you the door.”

  Mark held up his hands, palms up. “Hey ladies, you know I was just kidding. I’m sorry, Jessie. I thought we were friends.” I ignored him and Debbie continued to glare until he went back out onto the floor and continued his workout.

  “Thanks,” I told her.

  “Hey girl, we’ve got your back. Quit trying to handle everything all alone.”

  “Everything?” Debbie sounded like she knew something that I hadn’t told her.

  “Victoria told me that she noticed you and Paul were getting close…now Sam said he hasn’t been around at all and he wasn’t even sure if he’s going to show up for his fight Friday night. I didn’t want to say anything because you haven’t, but I’ve been worried about you. Men can be such assholes sometimes. I know you keep your business close to your chest honey and I don’t mean to pry. I just want to make sure that you’re okay.”

  She was right, I hated for people to know my personal business, but it was nice to have friends who had your back. “I’m good. But thank you,” I told her. That was enough information. They could guess about the rest of it if they wanted to.

  “Just remember I’m here…we all are, if you need anything.”

  I knew she was more than just nosy. She was sincere and the people I worked for and with were the kind of people I needed in my life. I needed to work a little harder on cultivating those relationships. I thanked her again and went in the back to change my sweaty tank. After I got the washer fixed I left some clean ones in my locker, just in case.

  By the time I was changed and wearing fresh deodorant my client, Justin had arrived. Justin’s twenty-four and he’s been running marathons since he was a kid. The advantage of that is of course that he knows his body by now and what it can do and what he needs to do to improve it. The disadvantage is that by the young age of twenty-four, his body has already gone through hell and back and since he wasn’t ready to retire, it was headed for more. Luckily for Justin he’s smart and he knows how important proper training is to keep him from dropping dead in the last stretch of a 30K run.