by Jenna Chase
He pulled up to the school and parked in a spot that was close to my dorm. Together we grabbed all of my things and hauled them inside.
“So this is it,” he said when he first saw the tiny plain room.
“This is it.” I swung my arms wide as if I were showing off a beautiful space with a magnificent view. “My humble abode for the next nine months.”
“I hate thinking of you here. You should have let me get you a better place.”
“Yeah, I thought about that after I turned the offer down, but I’ll be ok. Not like I haven’t stayed here before. Plus, I share the space with Laurissa so it’s not too bad. Lots of girl time.”
“No talking about me,” he grinned.
“Oh sweetheart, you’re all we talk about,” I replied with a teasing smack on his ass.
We carried in the rest of the boxes and then sat on my unmade bed exhausted from the work and the emotional drain.
“You better get going or its going to get dark on your drive back,” I said as I felt the weight of the moment pushing down on me.
“Are you trying to get rid of me?” he teased trying to make light.
“Never. I’d want you to stay right here in this itty bitty room with me forever if you could. I could hide you in the closet during the day and just take you out when were alone. You could keep me company and help me with my homework.” I smiled and leaned over to hug him. “Don’t forget me,” I whispered in his ear as I held him tight.
“I will never ever, ever, forget you,” he said grasping me tighter. “You are the first thing I think about every morning, and the last thing I think about every night when we go to sleep. You take up the majority of the in-between as well. You are always on my mind. Now I’ll just have to picture you here being the beautiful and smart woman I know you to be. You can do this and so can I. We’ll make it just fine.”
“Ok,” I sighed as a tear ran down my cheek.
“Shhh…don’t cry,” he said reaching up to wipe it away with his thumb.
“I can’t help it,” I said as the flood overcame me and torrents of tears streamed down my cheeks.
“It’s ok,” he said over and over into my ear as he rubbed my back.
When I was finally able to get my emotions back under control I pulled away from him. I cocked a half smile and told him that he should go. I followed him out to the truck, hugged him and kissed him deeply and then watched as he climbed into the truck and drove away. It felt as if my heart were ripping in two. Our love had combined our hearts into a single beating organ and now half of it was driving away from me. I felt a physical ache in my body the further away he got. A minute later he rounded the corner and was out of sight. I was devastated. I hobbled my way back to the tiny dorm room and sat on the bed alone and sobbed. How could this hurt so much?
I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes again I was being shaken by a smiling Laurissa.
“Hey! Clara! Wake up!” she said, each couple of words punctuated with a nudge to my shoulder. “Why are you sleeping? How are you sleeping? Aren’t you super excited to be back?” With each question her smile broadened. To her, college was everything. She had always been a straight A student and having a 4.0 was something she prided herself on. I often wondered how she would fare after college when you would have to compete in ways that didn’t simply involve writing the best essay.
“Ugh, yeah, don’t remind me about school. I’m here but I’m depressed and I just wanna go back home.” I rolled over and curled up into a ball facing the wall.
“Oh come on, don’t be like that. I know you’ll miss him but it’s not that long and you’ll still talk and see each other all the time. You should be thrilled that you’re here with me! Our last year of school. It’s going to be awesome!”
I wondered how she mustered so much enthusiasm for something that felt like such a chore to me. I liked school and I’d always done well but coming in on the last year I was finding it hard to care. I just wanted to get through it and while I did care about my grades, at this point I just wanted to finish. Someone that graduates with a C average gets the same degree as someone with straight A’s. Right now I had A’s but C’s were looking fairly nice. Just take it easy and finish school at a nice stroll instead of a frenzy of stress.
“Come on! Get up and stop moping. How about we head over to our favorite coffee shop? I’ll buy you whatever you want but you gotta get up and stop being so sad.”
I knew she was right. Laying here on the unmade bed crying about the fact that I wouldn’t see Shane every single day wasn’t going to do me any good. Getting out and getting some fresh air would help to clear my head and coffee did sound good. “Ok fine,” I grumbled as I rolled over and sat up.
“Woohoo! Let’s go!” she yelled swinging her oversized purse over her shoulder. “I’ve been dying to have their coffee again. The coffee places at home just aren’t the same.”
She was right, they weren’t but I couldn’t find it in me to have the same sort of enthusiasm for a beverage. I stood up and looked around. “Crap, I’m not sure where my purse is,” I said as I continued to glance about the room.
“Don’t worry about it right now. I already said I’d get you whatever you want. I’m sure it’s just hidden behind some boxes. We’ll find it when we get back.”
“Ugh, ok. I hope I didn’t forget it in Shane’s truck.”
“Aww, just think if you did, then he’d have to come all the way back to give it to you,” she teased.
I sighed and thought about it for a moment and then realized what a pain in the ass that would be for him. As nice as it would be to see him again so soon it wouldn’t make our separation any easier in the long run. “Yeah, I’m sure it’s here somewhere.”
We walked the few blocks down to our favorite coffee hangout, “Perky” and sat at one of their outdoor tables enjoying our coffee and people watching.
“It’s so good to be back,” Laurissa grinned as she took a sip with a loud “Ahhh” afterwards.
“If you say so. I just want to be done with all of this so I can go back to the ranch.
“The ranch, the ranch…that’s all you care about anymore. Don’t forget you had a life before all of that. You used to be into music and movies and now it’s all Shane, Shane, Shane. Don’t forget who you are. You used to enjoy college and meeting people. Shane is great and I’m happy for you, just don’t forget the rest.”
I thought about her words for a long moment. She was right in a way. I had kind of forgotten my life before. My single life where I had my own interests. Maybe some time apart could be good. Find a bit of myself again. It was so easy to get caught up in our love that I hadn’t even realized everything I’d let slip away.
“You’re right. I hadn’t even noticed,” I said holding my own cup up to my lips. “I kind of sank into his life without realizing I was losing everything in mine. I was so happy just to be with him, to be near him that I forgot everything else.”
“See, this is exactly why you need to be here with me. We’ll rediscover all the things you used to love. I hear there’s a really good band playing later tonight at one of the sororities if you want to go.”
The thought of sororities made me want to gag a little but I hadn’t gone to see a band play in forever and getting out and around people my own age might be kind of fun. I agreed before I could reconsider. At 10:00 I went along with Rissa and had to admit to myself, that as I was dancing with a massive group of random strangers, I was having a wonderful time. I thought of Shane often but it was pleasant memories and not the aching sadness I’d felt earlier. With a few drinks down I realized that school was going to be ok and I had enough faith in our bond to know that nothing could break us apart, not even distance.
The next few months went by in a rush of fleeting feelings of adolescence, homework, phone calls, and brief visits with Shane. No visit ever felt long enough but I was back in the swing of things and time was plowing on. About three months into the schoo
l years I started to feel ill. The foods I had normally loved now turned my stomach and I found myself craving things I’d never even considered before. My mornings were spent feeling nauseated and my evenings were spent wanting to cram slice after slice of pie into my mouth. I didn’t know what was wrong with me until I started to think back.
When was the last time I’d had my period?
Could I really have missed my period for three months and not even realized? I knew I’d been less than careful with my birth control but could I have been that bad? I didn’t even mention it to Laurissa until I’d rushed to off to the store alone.
“Where are you going?” she had asked as I grabbed my purse, slung it over my shoulder and rushed out the door. I hadn’t answered. I was too much in my head, too overcome with worry and the answer I already knew to be true without any test needed. My pants had been growing more snug but I’d chalked it up to poor college eating and my insatiable appetite. I hadn’t had my period but I had let myself believe it was stress and otherwise pushed it from my mind. But the morning nausea, and everything combined only pointed to one thing.
I stepped into the supermarket, the harsh florescent lights causing me to squint. I felt obvious and ashamed as I walked towards the aisle I needed. There, near the bottom were two rows of pregnancy tests. Some of them were fairly inexpensive and some seemed insanely high priced. I didn’t figure I wanted to go with either and instead selected a mid-range test. I held it in my hands, the pink and white box weighing heavily on my mind. Am I really about to buy this? I thought to myself as I wondered how I let myself get into this mess. It wasn’t that I didn’t want children, especially children with Shane, but now was not the time I had imagined.
I paid for the test and rushed back to the dorms. I didn’t stop in our room before heading directly to the shared bathroom. I tore open the packaging, quickly read the instructions and then squatted over the toilet to urinate on the little plastic stick. As I stood there squatted and hunched, I wondered how many other college-age girls had done the exact same thing in these bathrooms. It wasn’t like promiscuity was rare and protection easily flies out the window when you’re drunk and horny.
I peed on the stick and then waited. I held it in my hand like the daintiest prize. I was afraid to hold it too tightly, or stare at it for too long because I was terrified of what the results would tell me. I gave the stick five minutes just to be on the safe side and then I mustered my courage and looked down to read the lines. Two faint pink lines…my suspicions had been right; I was undoubtedly pregnant.
I gathered up the trash and threw it in the bin on my way out of the bathroom, the test still held in my other hand. I knew I should have tried to hide it but I was too dazed and confused to worry about privacy. I shuffled back to the dorm room, my eyes a blank stare and my body heavy as a rock. I pushed open the door and stepped inside and then stopped moving. It took a moment for Laurissa to look up but once she did her face dropped with concern.
“Is everything ok?” she started to ask and then her gaze turned to the hand with the test. “Oh my god. Is that what I think it is?”
I worked my mouth but no sound would come out. In the end all I could muster was a nod of my head.
“Holy shit! What are you going to do? Have you told Shane yet? Are you guys going to keep it? Gah I’m so excited,” she blathered on.
I stared across the room still completely unfocused and dumbfounded. I couldn’t answer a single one of her questions because I didn’t know the answers. Would I keep it? What would Shane think? How is this going to affect my life?
“Maybe you should come sit down,” Laurissa said as she rose from her chair and guided me to my bed. “How about we put the test down, it’s kinda yucky and we already know the result.” She carefully pried the test from my fingers, quickly glanced at the pink lines and then tossed it into the trash. “Ok, I can tell you’re in shock. Would it help if we talked it out?”
I nodded my head and then stammered, “I think…I think so.”
“Good. Alright. For a start, I’m assuming this wasn’t planned based off of your reaction and the fact that were away at college. Do you want to keep it?”
Did I want to keep it? I hadn’t even considered if I wanted it or not.
“I don’t know,” I answered weakly.
“That’s ok, you don’t have to know right this second.”
“Are you going to tell Shane?”
“I probably should, don’t you think?” I asked feeling uncertain about everything.
“If you’re not going to keep it, then it might be best not to tell him, unless you want to know how he feels about it. But if you’re certain that you’re not ready for a baby right now, then maybe you’d be better off keeping it to yourself.”
I thought about it for a moment. Could I really go through something like that and not tell Shane? “I think I have to tell him. Maybe if he and I discuss it we can come up with a good solution.”
“Babe,” Rissa said placing her hand on top of mine. “It’s a baby, there are really only two options: you keep it, or you don’t.”
“Yeah, I suppose so,” I whispered as I fidgeted. I picked at my cuticles and tried to distract myself from the enormity of the situation I’d gotten myself into. I considered what Laurissa had said and I knew I could never keep a secret that big from Shane. “I can’t have a baby right now…”
“Well, maaaybe you could. Do you want the baby? If you do, you might still be able to make it through school before you’re due depending on how far along you are.”
“I don’t…I don’t know.” I thought about it. Shane’s baby. A baby that he made with me, growing inside of my body. This tiny little piece of us that would grow into a person. I did like the idea. I did want his baby. But right now was such poor timing. “I think I do,” I managed as I wrapped my hands over my stomach.
“Then you have to discuss this with him and see how he feels,” she offered. “Here, call him right now,” she continued as she grabbed my phone from the nightstand and thrust it towards me. “I’m going to go out for coffee while you two have this conversation. Just let me know what you decide, ok?”
“Ok. Thanks for being here. I don’t know how I would ever handle this without you.”
“You’d find a way, you’re a strong woman. But for right now, all you have to do is call and tell your man. He loves you, you know everything will be fine. See ya in a bit,” she said as she left the room.
I looked at my phone and my hands began to shake. How could I tell him I was pregnant? I sat on the bed unmoving for at least five minutes while I considered how to bring it up. I wanted to hear his voice, to talk to him, to feel close to him, he was the only person I wanted to be discussing the baby with, but it felt immense. It was as if the entire sky was bearing down on me and I was slowly being crushed under the weight of it all. I knew waiting wasn’t going to make it better though, and the sooner I dialed his number and told him the news, the sooner we could plot whatever plan of action we decided to take.
I clenched my job and willed my hands to stop shaking as I turned on my phone and pressed the button to dial his familiar number. I pressed the phone nervously to my ear and felt my heart skip a beat when he picked up on the second ring.
“Hey baby!” he answered excitedly. “Just hanging out with your best friend Cheeseburger. We’ve been working on his training haven’t we boy?”
“Hello sweetheart,” I replied as a smile spread across my face. Shane never failed to make me happy and today wasn’t any different. He began to continue talking about Cheeseburger and the training but I cut him short. “Shane, I have something serious I need to talk to you about. Is now an ok time?”
“It’s always an ok time when it’s you. What’s on your mind? Is everything ok?”
“Well, that depends,” I said trying to decide on the best way to tell him. Before I could make up my mind I found myself blurting it out. “I’m pregnant.”
“I’m
sorry…what was that?” he said sounding surprised.
“I said, I’m pregnant.”
The phone was silent for a long moment. I could feel my nerves overtaking me and I had to fight the urge to hang up and cry. Was it really so horrible that he could have nothing to say?
“Are you serious?” he finally said after what felt like an entire lifetime.
“Yes.” I braced myself for whatever was going to come next.
“That’s amazing!” he cried out as he began to whoop and holler. “Did you hear that Cheeseburger? Our girl is pregnant. We’re going to have a baby Cheeseburger. Holy shit this is incredible!”
I grinned, his enthusiasm was intoxicating and I found myself feeling elated and relieved despite my earlier apprehension.
“I don’t want to kill your excitement, but I want to be practical. Is now really a good time for us? I’m not even finished with school…”
“Don’t even worry about that. I’ll take care of you. Just come home and be my beautiful barefoot and pregnant girlfriend and everything will turn out just fine. Shit, what am I saying. Come and be my wife. Come and be my beautiful pregnant wife.”
“Are you seriously asking me right now?”
“Well, I mean, this isn’t how I planned it, but I love you, and you’re pregnant with my baby, and I want to be with you forever. Now is as good a time as any. Will you marry me Clara?”
“Of course I will! Hold on though, I did have something I wanted to discuss and I hope you’re not going to hate me for even mentioning it.”
“Um…ok. I can’t imagine hating you for anything so tell me what’s on your mind sweetheart.”
“I want to finish school, and I want to have your baby, but I don’t know if right now is the best time. Maybe we should consider the other option.”
“Other option? Are you talking about an abortion?” he asked sounding hurt by the idea.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Darling, it’s your body and I want you to do what you think is right for you, but you can come home right now and I will love you and our baby forever. I know school is important to you though and if you think the other option is best then I support you 100%. We have forever to make a baby and if now doesn’t feel right to you, then I respect that.”
