A Beautiful Song: A Musical Soul Story

by Michael Cantwell

  We did have one mishap on the road. That is not counting the endless times that Billy and Jack were either late for the sound checks, or arrived just in time. We had another roadie get caught with drugs while working for the band. I could put up with a lot of things, but I refused to deal with illegal drugs on tour. It was now even doubly important because even though Linda had been clean for many years, she was still an addict. I would never forgive myself if she started to use again while she was on tour with the band. I felt guilty for firing him since in a way I knew I was more dependent on drugs than he was, but my rationale was that mine were prescribed. Either way, it was policy for everyone including band members to sign a contract that if they were caught with illegal drugs, they would be dismissed. Carl handled all that for our band. This time it was made easier since the roadie was arrested purchasing them from an undercover policeman in Cleveland near the equipment truck. I made the call to Carl and he was fired quickly.

  That was one area where we really missed Junior. He was the bands internal conscience. He made sure everyone was on time for sound checks and made sure everyone stayed away from drugs. I didn’t mind the groupies in the hotels, or if they let loose and had a few beers in the bars. I really had few rules on the road. However I was not going to bend my rules about drugs. I did speak to Dr. Summers about my guilt over me ingesting drugs yet not allowing others. He assured me my guilt was unwarranted. There was a big difference between cocaine and what I was doing. I was not convinced.

  Maybe because we had Jack running with Billy off stage now, or maybe the loss of Junior being our cop, or maybe I was only noticing it more, but the girls were everywhere this tour. They were backstage, they were in our eating areas, they were in the hotels and even once, one was on our bus. I had to finally talk to Billy about not allowing them on our bus. That was our inner sanctum and off limits to anyone not associated with the band. I even had a nude woman somehow get in my hotel room when I arrived after the show in Detroit. All those temptations seemed to be everywhere this time.

  I think in years past I was so focused on putting on the best performance I knew how; I was immune to everything else around me. This time with my mind just wandering all over the place, I saw things I had not seen so easily on other tours. I mean sure the girls were always there. Once Elise started to tour with us, she made sure I was shielded from the groupies. Even Debby over the years would shield me away from some of the trappings of women on the road. But this time they were all over the place, even showing up butt naked in my bed. You would think that I would jump at every chance to have women from all over the world, but I really didn’t want to upset Elise. She was a wonderful wife and mother and I had grown to love her more with each passing day. She was my rock. The only other woman I had ever felt that way about was tucked far away in Italy. Oh sure, it was not easy to turn them down especially when they are lying in your bed after a show. But other than drugs, that was my personal second rule on tour, no cheating on Elise.

  I didn’t care who in the band did what with whom other than drugs before or after the show as long as it didn’t affect their performances. So there were many times Billy and now Jack and occasionally even Duke would find comfort with a woman on the road. I really didn’t care. I was not trying to impose my will or ethics on anyone else. But I did want good chemistry with the band members. I think Linda would sneak a guy into her room now and again. She would have a sheepish grin the next day like the cat that ate the canary. Debby really didn’t have a chance before this since her jackass wife beating husband would be with us most tour dates. I think she was much more concerned with being a good mother and didn’t have time for any other excess on the road. Me, I just wanted to sleep and finish the tour.

  We had a week off around Thanksgiving so I flew home to be with Elise and the kids. Her parents joined us for Thanksgiving dinner. It was nice to sit at home for a few days. The rest of the band went their separate ways. We had another eight stops before Christmas break, mostly along the west coast. For now I wanted to see if I could focus on my music again, in the privacy of my own room. I sat in there for hours at a time and nothing. Oh yes, I could play the notes again. My hand was fully healed. My back only gave me problems if it was cold weather, or I stood still too long. So overall my physical recovery was doing well. I had almost cut out my pain medications. The doctor had cut way back on my prescriptions. He was convinced I no longer needed any, but gave me some for the cold weather. He was concerned I felt like I needed them at all. Dr. Summers saw me on break as well. He on the other hand was as concerned as ever and kept me on the same dosages. Every time I tried to not take them for a few days, I would get too anxious. I knew this was not me. I had been such a happy go lucky nerdy kid. I hated being an angry adult.

  I sat with Pastor George before leaving for the west coast one day. He once again tried to find ways for me to leave my anger for God behind. I wanted to in a way. I didn’t want to be angry. I wanted my soul returned to me. He wanted to pray about it, but I could not bring myself to saying even a simple prayer. I was convinced that it would not be answered. I also assumed that since God must know my anger, there was no reason to answer my prayer anyway. Pastor George assured me that I was so very wrong, but what did he know. I liked Pastor George. I am sure he wanted what he thought was best for me and my family.

  The tour picked up in Denver. It was only our second trip there. We went on to play Las Vegas and up to Seattle, Portland and down to San Francisco. It was not the best time for me to be in those cities with the cold weather, but I survived it. For the west coast swing, we added a few of Linda’s old hits. She appreciated how much we included her as part of the band. Hey, every time her old catalog of music sold again or was played in more rotations on the radio, I made more royalties. I had co-written or written most of her hits. The longer she stayed relevant the longer I did as well.

  We ended the tour again in San Diego, with a free show for any current military or veteran in any of our armed services. Our entire band had embraced the idea of doing the free and donation shows. The only thing that didn’t happen at the end of this tour was the fact that I didn’t end it with praise to my God for my blessings. My heart told me that I was healing nicely and I had so much to be thankful for, but I still could not bring myself to give thanks to my maker.

  The band took its holiday break. A tour of Europe was scheduled to begin the first of March in London. It was scheduled for seventeen performances in fifteen cities. I made it imperative we play The Royal Albert Hall, so we scheduled two shows there. The hall was built in the late 1800’s and had everyone play there, from classical composers like Verdi and Wagner, to contemporary legends like The Beatles and Led Zeppelin. It is what looks from the outside a five story high or more circular masterpiece of a building. Inside the building is even more impressive with ornate columns and shapes with red seats everywhere. When walking across the stage, I could feel the ghosts of everyone who has played in the Hall. For a building of its age, it is still in pristine condition, other than one small area on the floor that creaks every time I walked over it. I really was hoping that playing there could shake me from whatever was ailing me. It was my favorite place to play in the world, other than possibly Madison Square Garden. I was really looking forward to our performance in that musical museum.

  The break was uneventful, which suited me just fine. We stayed at home for the Christmas holidays then went to see my family for a few days, before the girls had to be back in school. I did visit the doctors for my hand and spine. They both let me know all was well. They cut my pain medications to only a bare minimum. The back specialist informed me that my back was about as good as it was ever going to be moving forward. However there would be pain from time to time. He was pleased with how well it had healed. The hand specialist released me from his care, letting me know it was fully healed. I knew my hand was much better.

  Dr. Summers was another matter. He continued to push and prod me with questions o
f my past with my mother and father. He constantly wanted me to dig deeper. I would keep telling him the same thing over and over. My parents were not the issue at all. I knew I had been abandoned by my maker and that was now ok with me. I accepted that idea and wanted to be taken off the medications and move on with my life. Dr. Summers kept insisting it was more complex than I was willing to see. I thought all the diplomas on the wall were blinding him from the obvious. I was fine with my reasoning and only wanted something for the anxiety. He refused to cooperate with my personal diagnosis that he could not treat a patient with no soul.

  Elise made the trip to London with me. I would not stop bragging about playing at The Royal Albert Hall. She wanted to see it up close and personal for herself. We made a mini vacation out of it, going to London three days earlier than the shows. She pulled me along to some of the museums in the area. I arranged for a private tour of the Hall, but we had to wait till the day before the show since Sasha wanted to join us for the private tour. Elise and Sasha went on and on about all the violinists that had played there in the past. I pretty much ignored them and harassed the poor cute Brit Feona, who was assigned the task of telling us the history of the place. Elise had to scold me a few times because I was teasing poor Fe way too often. I could tell she was new, she was easily flustered. I felt terrible when I found out it was her birthday. I offered her two front row seats and enough money to have a nice dinner before the show. I was in such a good mood just wandering around the Hall and listening to all the ghosts of their performances from the past hundred years and more rattling in my brain.

  We started up the tour the following night. The band was spectacular. I was so focused and really felt like my old self again. Elise flew back home the next morning and we proceeded on to Holland. We had a day off before playing at The Paradiso in Amsterdam. This was another interesting site to me since it was a converted church. It was the complete opposite in some ways from London. The Dutch for the most part all stand in this big open area inside the building and can be quite boisterous. The Dutch are such sweet lovely people. It was interesting to see them bounce all over during the show. We toured the city before the show. It too was such a beautiful place to see, but the most interesting place to me was seeing the ladies all sit in the windows enticing men to join them. It was a very interesting town. It’s one I wanted to visit again, someday when I had more time to enjoy it.

  After Amsterdam, I started to fall back into my funk. I think all the excitement of seeing London with Elise and playing Royal Albert Hall had my attention for a few days. However, by the time I left Holland for Munich, I started to feel like my brain was stuck in the mud again. We had a few more shows throughout Germany, France and Spain before landing in Rome for a three day respite.

  Besides London, I always loved to visit Rome. Linda enjoyed it as well, so set up the tour so we could have two days of rest, play the show and have another two days before heading to Switzerland.

  The first day I wandered around Rome with Linda and Sasha. We walked until our feet hurt. I was told by my doctor to lay off the pasta, but it was not easy wandering around the shops of Rome. I had picked up a 35mm camera before we left the States and I was learning how to use it. What better place than Rome to try it out. Even though I was not as happy as I was in London, I still enjoyed the day wandering around Rome. When I got back at the hotel, there was a note left for me at the front desk. It was from Lorenza. She wanted to meet the next morning at the Coliseum. I was more than a bit shocked but excited none the less. I was there bright and early at the appointed time and there she stood waiting for me. I really didn’t know what to do or say. She started first and told me that her marriage didn’t last long. She never loved him and really only married the man to appease her father. When she started to go into depression, she left him and moved back to her family.

  Lorenza was a school teacher in the town she grew up. She was content to be home. She never married again, nor had any children. She told me she was afraid I would not show up. I stood perfectly still with a big grin on my face, but no words. Finally in her still very broken English she said to me “Dylan, I see in your eyes you are not my Dylan. There is something missing. Tell me my dear friend, why are you so broken? I know about the accident, but I don’t think that is your pain.”

  I didn’t know if I should be angry with her, or take her in my arms. Seeing her brought back so many memories, but that was so long ago now. I really was at a loss for words. I stood there looking for anything to say. She raised her hand to my cheek and slightly brushed it, then took my hand and we started to walk. I had a chill throughout my entire body as if she was sending me some kind of healing medicine through her fingers as we touched. Finally we found a quiet spot and I turned to her and squeezed her body like I never wanted to let go. I started to sob over her shoulder and I knew she could hear it. I don’t think we moved for five minutes or more. As much as I loved Elise and she was my partner for life, Lorenza was in my heart forever.

  Eventually we sat near a fountain and I let her know what I had gone through and how I felt. “Dylan, you have more than anyone I have ever met, experienced more, seen the world, have all the riches anyone could want, and you will sit here and tell me you are not loved by our God.” She went on yelling into my left ear, “You were never a fool, but now I see you as a fool! Go take your pity party to another person because I will not speak to a fool like you.”

  Well, now I was really in shock. Even Lorenza would not see what I was going through. Not only was she not seeing it, she actually pitied me! My mind was racing for words, my heart was pumping and I wanted to hide under all the ancient rocks we were sitting upon. “I know I hurt you with my words my love but you are not that fool. We need to find why you are broken and fix you.” I came back at her “I will fix myself soon.” I had to leave for the sound check, but invited her along. I offered her tickets for the show but she declined. “I will see you perform when my Dylan is on stage. I refuse to watch the one who is with me now.” I was more than a bit hurt. We did promise to spend part of the following day together.

  That night was the worst performance of my career. I was missing my spots to enter with my solos as well as missing notes once I did chime in. Linda kept asking me if I was ok during the show. I had no desire to be there and Lorenza’s words kept repeating themselves in my head over and over all night, even after the show. I wanted so badly to make peace with God and everyone else, but I could not let it all go.

  The next day, Lorenza took me on another ride in the country, but her words were still stinging me. She tried hard to smooth it all over but her words were true, which was why they stung so badly. We did talk about Elise and my daughters, and her marriage. She did tell me that she was never in love with him. She was in love with another at that time, but her father refused the marriage. She bit her tongue ever so slightly and said “I hope one day to see him again, I will always love him.” My mind was so still stuck on her past words that her current words left me like a bad riddle. At the end of the day we gave each other a gentle kiss and she handed me her current address and phone number. “If you ever find my old Dylan again and he is a single man, he may find me here. For now go home and find happiness and peace and always remember that our God loves all. We are all sinners and lose our way home at times, but the door is open to God and to me, when you can find your way home.” I walked away in silence once again feeling a sense of loss. I also felt like I had let her down once again.

  The few remaining shows were a blur. I was not as bad as the night in Rome on stage, but I could no longer focus. Someone in the band must have said something, because Mr. Altos called me in Budapest to see if I was ok. He had never once called me in all the years while I was on tour to ask if I was ok. It was not a coincidence.

  Budapest was the second to last show with Athens being the last. I walked the streets the night before the show and sat alone in the center of town. The lights were on from the neighboring buildings, but
it was well after dark and most had left the streets for the evening. I had my camera but I was not really taking any photographs. A red haired lady walked up to me and asked if I was a tourist. I told her l I was only in town for two days, so I was not sure if that classified me as a tourist. She was a photographer and knew where “All the good night spots are to photograph.” We walked the streets for a few hours till I offered to buy her a meal or a drink, for showing me some of the sights. She knew of one of the few places still open. She told me what it was like to grow up in a country that had been under Soviet rule at one point. She told of how sometimes you had no choice in what car you could pick after saving for a life time, just to own one. How they would ration heating oil and all kinds of things that we take for granted in America. She was a very nice lady. We sat until the place was closing. As I was leaving she turned and said “Good luck on stage tomorrow night Dylan.” I had not told her who I was the entire evening. So I asked her “How do you know who I am?” She giggled, “I only thought it was maybe you until we walked past the place where you are playing. I saw your photo.” Well at that point I invited her back stage for the next night and she happily accepted.

  Sometimes you don’t know if people are being nice because they want something from you, or they are doing it from their heart. I would run into this all the time. Sometimes it’s hard to know your friends from the users. I counted Irene as one who wanted to show me the town because she was proud of her city and wanted to show it off. She only wanted a friendly smile in return.

  The tour ended in Athens, Greece. I was not sure we would get Billy and Jack back on the plane with us. They seemed to have collected an entourage of beautiful Greek beauties by the time we had to leave the hotel for the airport. I couldn’t really blame them. They were two single guys traveling all over Europe with a rock band. I know they played a show more than once still drunk from the night before, or even that day, but I was not one to talk. They were still more focused than I had been once we left London. I was still carrying Lorenza’s words with me as well as now guilt for leaving her behind again. But there was nothing I could do. I had a wife and two children waiting for me back home.