A Beautiful Song: A Musical Soul Story

by Michael Cantwell

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  Chapter 21

  It was a very odd feeling being back at home. For the first time ever in my musical career, there was no future project waiting. There were three strangers now waiting at the front door as I arrived home. Well of course they were my wife and two beautiful daughters but I was not sure I knew myself any longer, let alone my family. I never told anyone but I was now having nightmares of that car ripping into the side of me, at that intersection in Washington. I had visions of Lorenza standing over me at the crash site telling me “How much riches you have.” I was not getting much sleep since Italy, the nightmares were increasing. I really didn’t know where to turn or what to do. I would sleep for hours and not want to go anywhere.

  Elise wanted to plan a late summer vacation before the kids started school but I had little desire to travel. She finally convinced me that we all needed a trip to Disney World in Orlando. It was much easier for her to convince me that the kids needed the trip. I knew I didn’t. But here I was standing in a long line waiting to shoot the crap out of Buzz Lightyear with my daughter telling me she now had to pee as we were two people away from finally getting on the ride. Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids, but standing in the Florida heat for thirty minutes so that you can ride Dumbo was not my idea of what a songwriter and musician should be doing in August. I should be standing on the stage at Madison Square Garden in front of twenty thousand fans, not walking amongst that same number to hear “It’s a small world” ring in my brain for hours on end. The only good thing about that was it got Lorenza, Gordy and Pastor George out of my head for a few hours.

  The moment we arrived back from Florida, I called Carl to see how the negotiations were progressing with our next record deal. Our last contract had expired. The record company was putting the squeeze on offering less studio time and benefits than we had with our last agreement. They also would not commit to any more than one record at a time. I was getting very frustrated. On top of that, Sasha was now more interested in her fashion lines than her violin strings, Billy and Jack were planning a long tour with their band, Duke was now producing others, and neither Linda or Debby seem inspired to do anything but sit at home and watch Oprah. Elise was getting tired of me being grouchy around the house. I could see the end of the road for Dylan James and The Overture. I was not willing to give it all up just yet. I was still a young man and retiring from music was not an option. The record company made a final offer with Carl but I turned it down. I called the other members of the band and they really had no desire to sign that contract either, so it was an easy call. I sat deflated in North Carolina with no immediate future.

  I sat and home and played my acoustic guitar until even Elise and the kids were tired of hearing me play. I tried to write songs. I wrote a few. None were really making me think they could be recorded with any success. Then I got a call from a Hollywood producer who wanted to know if I would be interested in creating a sound track for his movie. It was about the Viet Nam War and he thought it would be a natural for me. I agreed to do if they agreed to give away a certain amount of free tickets to veterans in designated cities, or make a donation once the movie had cleared a profit. He agreed to both. I was on my way to Hollywood to meet him and start getting ideas for the soundtrack. While in California, I stopped in to see Linda. I decided to bring her in on the project. My confidence was at an all time low. I was hoping she could help me along.

  The movie was a real eye opener for me. I guess I never realized what some of our finest men and women went through in war. Maybe this was the perfect project for me. It called for a dark and moody backdrop to the movie. It was perfect since it was the only style of music I could write. Linda helped some, but even she realized this was more for me. My confidence was fairly high after I got started. I returned home to finish it. I think my mood had improved once I was home. Elise and the kids were not calling me “grumpy daddy” so much. I had ninety days to write the sound track. I think between Linda and I we had it done with over a week to spare. I flew back to Hollywood to see it in the film room and how the soundtrack fit over the film. Some of the soundtrack required an orchestra, which was very new for me. It did have a few parts where it sounded like guns going off so I called my dad and told him I had created the modern day 1812 Overture. “I don’t think so son, but you keep telling yourself you are a real musician.” I knew by then he was mostly teasing me with his words.

  After creating the soundtrack, I was in a better mood. I started to believe I could still make music. I sat at home and started to write music with my acoustic guitar. I started to think that it was time to try and let my anger go and see all my blessings. It was the best frame of mind I had been in for a few years. I instructed Carl to call Mr. Altos to see if we could strike a deal on the next Overture album. Their offer would not change. I called the others in the band and none really wanted to make the next album. Even Duke passed on it for now. He was now working full time as a record producer. He was no longer hanging around beating me in chess. Sasha had not only become a cosmetics and fashion designer, but still did some studio work with her violin as a guest on other bands albums. Debby was quiet happy being a mom.

  Debby and I had done a better job staying in touch this time. She would bring the kids down to North Carolina twice year and when I would visit my mom and dad, I would stop by to see her. So I knew she was content being a mother. Linda was still sitting on the beach in California. Billy and Jack were having success with their blues band. Their band was never likely going to reach the heights that The Overture had made since the blues were never a huge selling genre in the US, but they loved it. It seemed at least for now I was on my own to make music. I really didn’t want to create a new band. I believed eventually the stars would align and The Overture would record again.

  Elise and I made a trip out to Hollywood for the premier of the movie I had done the soundtrack for months earlier. Linda joined us at the premier. We ended up staying with her a few days. While there I convinced Linda to record another acoustic album with me. This time it would only be her voice and my guitar. She suggested adding Debby and me on vocals singing harmonies. At first I was really against it but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. I called Debby and she said she would lay down the harmonies in New York. I really didn’t like us doing it that way. I convinced Linda to come to New York for a week. We could record the entire album in a week or less. We would have all the songs written and ready to go. We would only need to get in the studio and record them. I asked Duke to produce it as a favor to me. He agreed. This was going to be a very low key record. I was not sure anyone would even agree to release it. I would pay for the recording time in the studio out of my own pocket. We would call ourselves, “Evolution”.

  I went back to North Carolina and started to fine tune a few of the songs I had already written. I sent them to Linda. We did as much as we could over the phone sending tapes back and forth. It was time to fly to California for a week to work them all out, before heading into the studio.

  When I returned home, I was starting to feel like the old Dylan. I had several months of sleeping better and Dr. Summers thought we were making progress. He was not ready to cut my medications but he assured me that my mental state seemed to be improving. I knew I was still not the same person I was before the accident, but I did feel I was finally releasing some of the anger pent up inside of me. I would even go back to church service with Elise and the girls from time to time. I didn’t always just count the glass tiles. I would in fact pay attention to Pastor every now and again. I seemed to be heading in the right direction.

  The first week in April of 1991, we made it into the studio to record the album as a trio. We met in New York. We recorded a twelve track album in nine days. It went a little longer than I had wanted but it was a solid recording. I think we were all pleased with the results. Now the hard part was to find some a company to market and distribute it. There was mild interest from our curr
ent company. The issue was that I took all the risk and paid to record it, yet they still wanted all the typical splits as if they took on all the risks of recording it.

  Carl’s assignment was to now find a home for that release as well as try to get the record company to offer more for the next Overture release. The odds were long. The other band members had new interests. I was now willing to accept a one record deal if only to prove The Overture was still a relevant money making band. I told members of the band that we would be in the studio no later than spring of 1992 or I would replace them in the band. Duke and Debby agreed without much of a struggle. Sasha said she would look at her schedule and get back to me. Billy tried to debate me as to what month, but I was not about to put up with his complaints. So we scheduled it for March of 1992. This meant that Linda and I had to start writing new material for The Overture album.

  I ventured back home to North Carolina and planned to write new material during the entire summer. The songs were not coming quickly. My mind still lacked the focus I needed to write alone. I was not feeling as angry any longer, but I still lacked mental focus at times. I took a break in late June when we took the girls for a two week vacation to Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons. I really enjoyed the fresh air. Plus I had a chance to hone my photography skills. I was still very much a novice using a camera, but it allowed me to see things in a different perspective. I came to appreciate the smaller things in nature as well as immense things like the Rocky Mountains. It again allowed me to shed some anger and for a moment or two, I even began to appreciate God again through my camera lens. I recalled the talk I had with Linda. I realized I surely didn’t create those mountains. My daughters only wanted to know if they could ride the Buffalo or run under Old Faithful. Luckily we didn’t try either so that we were not banned for life from the National Parks. The only drawback from the trip was that Elise seemed to be lagging behind on our walks. That was very unusual for her. We hiked near our home quite a bit. She was usually way ahead of us.

  All the fresh air and view of the mountains helped my creativity. My lyrics took a noticeable turn for the better. I was determined not to be accused of only writing dark and moody songs for the entire album. Sure, some were still dark, but I added a few songs of being free in the open air and enjoying nature.

  When we returned home, Elise made an appointment to see the doctor. He ran a battery of tests. I was starting to worry about her. She was the one who through all the years was always smiling and always positive about life. Now you could tell she was worried and was not saying too much. She was diagnosed with stage two Hodgkin’s disease. The doctors were hoping they caught it early enough, but she started radiation treatments immediately. I didn’t become angry that God could inflict pain on such a wonderful mother and wife but I almost went brain dead. I had no desire to work. My entire life was now on hold until she could be cured. I drove the girls to school every day. I made dinner many nights so that Elise could rest. She was always there for me and I was determined not to fail her. As hard as I tried I felt I was running in quicksand. I had no time to play the blame game or feel angry. I only wanted her to be healed at any cost.

  Her mom would come over to help as much as possible. My mom came down for a few weeks as well to help with the house. I was not the best of cooks. I knew everyone would tire of takeout food more than once or twice a week. I tried so hard to be a support for Elise. It pained me to see her have to get so ill after radiation. I had suffered pain but hers was a different type. She was constantly vomiting and it was not from my cooking this time. Everyone knew I would eventually heal, but with Elise it was more hope than a sure thing. She struggled for about six months until it seemed her disease was in remission.

  It was time for us to enter the studio. I had not written in months and even though Linda helped finish a few of the songs, we didn’t have enough to enter the studio. I called Mr. Altos to let him know but he thought we should try to record the album. I talked it over with Elise and her only words were “Baby, it’s what you do best, go do it.” I compromised with everyone and we pushed it back until April. I then had time to finish up some of the remaining songs with Linda. She flew to North Carolina for a week before we headed to New York. Duke and Billy added a song each, so we now had enough material to record. I really wanted this to be a strong comeback album, but my mind was not there again. I also didn’t want to waste time writing songs in the studio. It is why I insisted on having enough material before heading to New York. I knew it was a delicate balance but I was so worried about Elise. Her and her doctor assured me that she would be fine. I was not really in the frame of mind to leave her and the kids, but everyone convinced me it would all work out. Elise did seem to have some strength back. Her mom promised to keep a close eye on her and the kids. I promised I would not argue with Tim our producer so that we didn’t waste time in the studio. I wanted it to sound good but I had other priorities now. I knew it was very possible this was our swan song recording. It had to be a quality release.

  We made the album in seven weeks not counting some over dubbing done later. I think everyone had a reason to finish it quickly. We were all as focused as we ever had been in the studio. There was not a long tour planned, but we did have a few dates scheduled along the east coast in August to promote the record. We limited the tour to ten dates and would be finished before Labor Day. I only wanted to be home and sit with Elise. We didn’t go on any long vacation that summer. We did take one long weekend to the Carolina coast. Elise did seem better, but I could tell she was still so worried. That only made me even more anxious and not knowing what to do at times. I did notice that she started to play her violin again. That brought some joy in her life like it had many years ago.

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  Chapter 22

  Carl was not having much success in finding a distributor for our “Evolution” recordings. Our current company would release it, but only on a very limited run. They didn’t believe in the project, despite Mr. Altos believing the songs were some of our finest. He didn’t think the market was ready for a “Stripped down sound from you Dylan.” I disagreed and asked Carl to keep looking. Billy told me that maybe one day we could sell music on something called the “internet”. He was convinced the internet would be how many would do commerce in the not too distant future. I had stock in two computer companies but had no idea what Billy was talking about. I asked Carl to keep looking and not waste time on anything over a computer. That would never happen in my lifetime.

  In speaking with Carl, I did have one idea I wanted to discuss with him. I wanted Elise to play for the New York Philharmonic Orchestra for one night or even one song. He thought that was a great idea and thought he could make it happen. He called a few days later to inform me the conductor had agreed to it. When I asked how he pulled it off so quickly he responded “Dylan, for one I am the conductors agent and for another his brother is the general that gave your band the award in Washington.” He went on to say “However there is one catch, you have to play too.” I told him “No way, this is for Elise and it will be her night, not mine.” It took another few days but it all worked out. When I told Elise where we would be spending our wedding anniversary, she was somewhat happy, until I told her why and she darn near killed me. “Dylan, are you insane? I can’t play at that level any longer, how could you do this to me?”

  After her face was no longer beet red, I explained, “It is only one song, maybe two, and you get to pick the song with approval of the conductor.” She was still not convinced. I really thought she would jump at the opportunity. Once again it only proved my lack of understanding of the female psyche. “My love, you have done so much for me over the years and have raised two beautiful girls. You have a second chance to live your dream, if only for one night.” I think after the initial shock wore off she was excited about the prospect of playing at Lincoln Center with a world class orchestra.

  We took a trip to New York for her to play for the conductor and see t
he facility. She had two months to practice. She would stay in New York for three weeks of rehearsals. She was only promised one song, but there was a possibility of more depending on how rehearsals went and how quickly her abilities came back to her. I promised to stay back in North Carolina while the kids were in school.

  Now came the time to pick a song. When I asked her what she discussed with the conductor she told me, “There is only one song to play.” I told her, “Make sure you pick the song you want to play, not anything you think I would want you to play”.

  “Dylan, it has to be the 1812 Overture. We both know it. It has already been agreed to with the conductor.” I was not going to argue with her. She practiced that song over and over until I felt like George Bailey listening to his daughter playing the piano in the background.

  Elise headed off to New York. The girls and I would meet her in two weeks. My in-laws were also making the trip to New York to see her perform. They had never been to New York, except for a two day trip for her graduation from Julliard. This time we paid for them to stay in a nice Manhattan hotel for four nights. They didn’t want to stay away from home any longer. My parents were also coming to the show. We were going to have a cheering section for her since Sasha, Debby and Duke were also joining us for the show. I wanted so badly for Elise to live her dream, if only for one night. She played with smaller orchestras in college, her Broadway Show as well as touring with the Overture, but this was really her true dream, to play with the New York Philharmonic at Lincoln Center. I was so happy to be able to help her achieve her ultimate goal. She had given up so much to make sure I had achieved my goals. This was a small payback in my mind.