Ayrie: An Auxem Novel

by Lisa Lace

  “I know.”

  “He told you? I guess it wasn’t too much information after all.”

  Nathaniel shrugged his muscular shoulders. “He wanted advice from me. He thought I should know everything before I helped him come to a decision.”

  I wondered what Ayrie was asking. I didn’t know what to think if he wanted help with our relationship. “But do you know why?”

  “Bond Rejection Syndrome. He didn’t want to risk either of you having problems.”

  “That’s exactly right. Do you happen to know what causes Bond Rejection Syndrome?” He shook his head. “The cause is when two people mate but aren’t in love with each other. Something happens in the brain that can cause mental instability.”

  “Sorry, I’m still not getting it.”

  “He won’t bond with me because he cares about me but doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want to hurt me. Can you honestly tell me I shouldn’t get a divorce? Imagine if you were in my situation. What if Ashlyn cared about you but didn’t love you, and she could do something physical that showed her feelings?” Nathaniel had a flash of realization, and I kept going. “I hope you can understand why I want a divorce now.”

  “If you’re serious about ending your marriage, have you given much thought to your future? Ashlyn says you might want to stay on Vandwa.”

  “I can’t go back to Earth, and I like it here. It seems like it’s a good place for me to start over.”

  He nodded in agreement. “I think it’s an excellent idea, except the part about you and Ayrie being separated forever. You’re welcome to stay at our house while you get settled.”

  “Do you mean it?” I turned to face him. If they helped me, everything would be easier for me. I didn’t know what I was going to do about money. I had no job and no place to stay. When I left Jarvis, I left everything behind. He had control of all our finances.

  “Of course I do. But for the record, I think you two are making a big mistake.”

  “Definitely.”

  He looked shocked. “If you think it’s a mistake then why are you doing it?”

  “I don’t have a choice.”

  He pressed his lips together in frustration. “You may be right, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to watch my friend’s marriage go down in flames.”

  I shook my head. No, it certainly didn’t.

  Chapter Nineteen

  AYRIE

  I whistled while I walked up the stairs to the room Elle and I shared in Nathaniel and Ashlyn’s opulent house. My feet sank into the thick carpet. Their place wasn’t too small and was surprisingly well decorated. The seafood on Vandwa was superb. The house, food, and company reminded me of home. I found myself missing Auxem more here than I ever did on the starship.

  We were finally going back to my home away from home. I had finished all the arrangements and shuttles were already bringing supplies back to the mothership. We had food fabricators and some gardens on board, but it wasn’t economically feasible to provide food for so many people with fabricators, no matter how convenient it was. I was looking forward to seeing Arnon and Jayne and the twins, and my other brothers Anders, Avren, and Allex, too. I missed them.

  I was hoping she would forget all about the divorce once we were back on the ship. Maybe I could talk her out of it. I had plans to be a better husband. We wouldn’t let things get as tense as they were before.

  I opened the door to our suite and went looking for Elle. She wasn’t in the bedroom, bathroom, or lounge area. I finally found her on the balcony overlooking the sea. That was one beautiful thing about Vandwa — there was an ocean view everywhere.

  “How’s it going?” I walked behind her and put my arms around her waist. She leaned back against me and sighed. Being close to her made me feel like I was on fire inside.

  “Okay, I guess.” Her voice sounded soft — or was it sad?

  “Everything’s ready to go. Nathaniel’s going to take us to the spaceport. I’ve made a standing order to check all the paralytic converters on our ships before anyone boards them.” I kissed her cheek, and she turned in my arms. The look in her eyes startled me.

  “Ayrie.” I was afraid of the tone in her voice. I interrupted her quickly.

  “I know we’ll be going back to the ship, and you’re worried things will go back to the way they were between us. It’s going to be different this time, Elle.”

  She didn’t look at me.

  “I’ve made a list of things I’m going to do so I can be a good husband. The first thing on the list is more make-out sessions.”

  That got a smile out of here. “That’s very unselfish of you. But...”

  “I’m not finished yet. I want to make sure we never get to the point where we were before, not talking and bitter. I want us both to promise we’ll discuss any problem we have with each other. Won’t that be healthy?”

  She opened her mouth to answer, but I didn’t wait for her to speak.

  “And we’ll do things together, and we’ll figure out something when we reach Auxem. You’re not going back to Earth.”

  “Hang on a second. I have something to say.” Elle held up her hand, and the expression on her face made me stop talking. I knew the words coming out of her mouth would be bad news. The look was familiar.

  “You don’t have to do this.”

  She stepped away from me. “Ayrie, I appreciate that you’re trying. If you had offered this to me a week ago, I would have been ecstatic.”

  “What’s the matter with now?”

  “I’m different now than I was a week ago, and in a good way. I know I can’t keep living like this.”

  She was talking about leaving me. And I didn’t know if I could do anything to stop her.

  ELLE

  “When I spent the afternoon alone by the ocean, I realized I’m not as damaged as I thought. The realization has given me a strength I didn’t know I had.” I licked my lips and pressed on, afraid he would interrupt me or I would lose my courage. “I’m tired of living part of a life. I’m partially loved, half fucked, sort of friends but not sharing my heart with you. When I was on Earth, I had no life. In a way, I should be grateful for what I had with you. Maybe I would have been before, but I deserve more than that.”

  “More than what?”

  “More than being friends with benefits or having a surface relationship. More than just being content. I want something else.” I stared up into his handsome face that looked desolate right now. “I want a husband who loves me.”

  I felt a tear roll down my face. I couldn’t say it, but I didn’t only want a man who loved me. I wanted Ayrie to love me. But that couldn’t be, and I wouldn’t dwell on it. “I want a man who isn’t afraid to give me all of his heart and who believes that if he does give me his heart, I will guard it like my own.”

  “Hold on a second.”

  “I know you have your reasons and I can’t change them. For a while, I thought you would change. Now I know you can’t and you won’t. That’s okay because I finally have the strength to ask for myself.”

  “Don’t do this.” His tone nearly broke my heart, but I held on to my new-found strength.

  “I deserve everything I want.” I knew it was true in my soul. “I’ve earned true love and full-on sex with penetration. My future has friendship in it and cuddling on a couch, as well as sleeping in the same bed as my husband. I’m going to have it all. Just not with you.”

  He dropped his head. “Elle.” The way he said my name was so heartbreaking that I almost caved. But I remembered I wasn’t going to be a doormat anymore. I was going to get the best life could offer. No matter how hard he tried, Ayrie couldn’t give me what I wanted. He had said so himself.

  “I’m not going back to the starship with you, Ayrie.”

  AYRIE

  My heart dropped to the floor. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Ashlyn and Nathaniel have offered to let me stay with them until I get back on my feet. You know I
can’t go back to Earth, but I like Vandwa. It seems like the perfect place to start over.”

  “Without me?”

  “There’s work for starship mechanics on any planet. If I stay with them for a little while, I can get a job and save up some money to move out.”

  I stared down at the wooden boards of the balcony. They needed painting, and one looked rotten. I would have to tell Nathaniel about it.

  Her voice sounded compassionate. “I know it might take a little time for you to adjust, but you’ll be back to your old life before you know it. And you’ll get your old bed back. You won’t have to sleep in the guest room.”

  The thought of sleeping in either one of the beds myself made my stomach turn. I was already used to having Elle beside me at night.

  “At least there isn’t a bond between us, Ayrie.” She made it sound like it was a consolation prize. “We can still go our separate ways and live our lives. We can divorce and find happiness with other people.”

  The thought of another man having Elle made me want to smash my fist into the wall. I would never have her, and she wouldn’t be part of my life anymore.

  “Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying. You’re going to leave me.”

  “You make it sound like you weren’t part of this.” She looked disgruntled. “It takes two people to sink a relationship.”

  “I know I’m not faultless, but I’m not leaving, either.”

  “As a matter of fact, neither am I. I’m staying here. Vandwa is lovely.”

  “Auxem’s beautiful, too.”

  “Unfortunately, Auxem doesn’t want me. I can’t have babies, remember?” She couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice. The subtext was worse than what she had actually said. We both knew the only reason she couldn’t have babies was that I wouldn’t bond with her. “You don’t want me, either.”

  “That’s not true.” I felt like I was living in a nightmare.

  “Desire and friendship aren’t enough, Ayrie. Don’t you understand? I want you to love me, and that’s something you either can’t or won’t do. Stop acting like we could fix things. We can’t.”

  “What if I did it?”

  She became very still. “Did what?”

  “Fell in love with you.”

  She stood looking at the ocean while I waited for her to answer me. Suddenly she turned, eyes flashing, and stared into my soul, searching for the truth.

  “Will you?”

  I looked into her eyes. I knew what to say. I should tell her I would fall in love with her, but I couldn’t, and I waited too long.

  Her face fell, but she wasn’t disappointed. It was even worse. She was resigned. “That’s what I thought.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Ayrie.” She kissed me on the cheek and left.

  Chapter Twenty

  AYRIE

  I knew it had only been two days since I returned to the starship without Elle, but it felt like much longer. Everything here held memories of her, but none of them were good. One spot reminded me of a fight we had where I was mean to her. We had disagreed about the correct position of a chair. In this room, I should have apologized to her, but I didn’t.

  The suite was a monument to failure. I ended up asking Anders if I could stay with him for a few days. My excuse was that I was used to living with someone and needed to talk with people.

  He said it was all right as long as I didn’t leave the toilet seat up.

  I would do whatever I had to if it meant I could get out of my place. It had never been a home for us. I felt like I was losing my mind. At this rate, it was like I already had Bond Rejection Syndrome.

  On the morning of the third day, Anders and I were having breakfast in his kitchenette. He kept talking about a new fighter. Anders was trying to convince Father to buy a few to protect the transport in case someone attacked us. I wasn’t totally listening to him until he suddenly stopped talking.

  “What’s wrong with you, Ayrie?”

  “My throat hurts. Maybe I’m coming down with something.”

  “I’m not talking about anything physical. You’ve looked a little lost lately. I might even be tempted to call it moping.”

  “That’s not an accurate description of me at all. I’m a handsome, rugged man. I never get miserable.”

  I felt offended, especially because I hadn’t told anyone about the pending divorce. I planned to say Elle had decided to get off the ship and stay with Ashlyn and Nathaniel for as long as possible. It was going to take a few days to move all the supplies onto our ship.

  Were my emotions that transparent? Elle was divorcing me. I didn’t know why I was reluctant to say anything to my brothers. Was I ashamed that my wife wanted to leave me, or was I privately nursing a hope she would change her mind?

  “Is brooding more appropriate? What happened to you on Vandwa? Are you traumatized from the crash? You should talk to Allex about it. Maybe he can recommend a psychiatrist to help you.”

  “Just let it go, Anders.”

  “I’m not your favorite brother, and I’m not particularly perceptive, but even I can see something’s the matter with you. We can all sense it.”

  For a moment I thought I could see beyond his facade and remember I was talking to my little brother. He had always chased after Arnon and me, trying to keep up with the older boys and constantly crying when he couldn’t do the things we could. I hadn’t felt sorry for leaving him behind when we were younger, but something about his expression tugged on my heartstrings.

  “Elle’s divorcing me,” I whispered.

  He frowned. “Not really?”

  “She didn’t come back with me because she’s going to become a permanent resident on Vandwa.”

  “Don’t let her.”

  “I can’t stop her if she’s made up her mind.”

  “Have you even tried? You know how these stories are supposed to work.”

  “As a matter of fact, I don’t.”

  “I happen to know that you do.” He pointed at me. “The boy always chases after the girl and makes her realize he loves her. She ends up choosing him in the end. All you have to do is take a chance.”

  “I don’t love her. You’re asking me to make her believe a lie.”

  “You’re a fool. Anyone can see the truth on your face.” His voice had the same tone of disbelief as Nathaniel’s. He shook his head. “Is the problem that you don’t know what love is?”

  “No. I’m aware of the definition.”

  “Romantic love is different than any feelings for your family.”

  “And how would you know, Anders?” His face went blank. He was trying to hide something. It took him a second to recover.

  “I’ve been watching some of the movies we brought back from Earth. Let me ask you a serious question. What’s it going to be like at the end of your life if you keep living it like this?”

  “I’m afraid you’re going to have to be more specific.”

  “Ayrie, you never commit one hundred percent. You’re scared.”

  “I’m not scared of anything.” Anders stared at me and shook his head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Do you know anything about commitment?” I wanted to turn the spotlight off of me and how I felt about things.

  “I have a pretty good idea.” His mouth tightened for a second. I knew from experience the expression meant he didn’t want me to ask any more questions.

  I didn’t care what he wanted. “What’s her name?”

  “We were talking about you, not me. Let it go. It doesn’t matter who she is.”

  I couldn’t stop myself. Making a subtle jab at Anders would make me feel better about myself. “Is it someone in the trial? Can you tell me the first letter of her name?”

  “Shut up already. You don’t appreciate what you have. Everything was handed to you on a silver platter. You’re good-looking and smart.” He shook his head. “The sweetest girl falls into your lap and what do you do? You throw her away.”

  He was genui
nely angry with me. He wasn’t only annoyed by my teasing. Was he right about me? Was I never satisfied or grateful? It sounded suspiciously like my father. In my desire to avoid his fate, what if I had stepped right into it?

  “She’s married.” He stared off into space.

  “That’s off-limits.” I put an arm around him. “I wish I could do something to help you.” I had never been the big brother he needed me to be.

  He looked up. “There is something you can do to help me. Don’t waste your chance with Elle. Everybody knows you’re lying to yourself about your feelings for her. Stop being scared and do something. If you let yourself fall, she might catch you.”

  I stared at him.

  “That way, you and Arnon would be happy. I wouldn’t be mad at you for wasting what some people never get an opportunity to experience. Stop thinking so much and start doing something. Come with me on the next trip down.”

  “Why are you going to Vandwa?”

  “I’m helping haul the supplies up to the mothership. You’ve been in a daze, haven’t you? You can catch a ride down, fly in the fresh air, and figure things out.”

  For the first time, I considered the possibility of letting myself fall for Elle. The idea was both terrifying and exciting.

  “I’m too scared.” I wanted to sound confident, but it came out in a whisper.

  Anders looked at me with compassion. “I know. But you’re not just her husband. You’re also my big brother, the one who has never been scared of anything. Not beasts on Auxem, or flying off a cliff when he’s too tired and his wings might not hold him, or applying to the most prestigious university in the galaxy.”

  I smiled at some of the memories. I had no idea Anders saw me like that. Right now I felt like a coward, not like a brave older brother.

  “If you can do all those things, you can tell one human woman you love her. Courage doesn’t mean you’re not afraid. It means even if you’re scared, you do it anyway.” He waited patiently for my response.

  My mind was racing, and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.

  “I’ll come down with you and take my wings out. I can do that, at least.”