From Heartache to Forever

by Caroline Anderson

  ‘What happened to you, Ry? What did you mean just now when you said it wasn’t a good idea?’

  He turned back to her, his mouth tipped into a smile, if you could call it that.

  ‘There was a shell. I shouldn’t have been where I was, but I was trying to get back into the hospital. It had been bombed, and my friends were in there trying to salvage what they could, and I wanted to get them out, to warn them that it wasn’t safe, and there was another one.’

  He looked away. ‘I was the only one who made it out, and only just. As I said, not a good idea.’

  ‘Are these the friends you said you’d lost? The ones whose death made you decide to stay and carry on their work?’

  He nodded, his eyes meeting hers again. ‘Yes. But I was careful after that—well, when they let me out of hospital. I was hit by shrapnel.’

  ‘Shrapnel?’ She looked down at his body, searching it for signs, but then he turned his back to her again and she saw the other scars, peppering his back and legs. She reached out and touched them. So many of them, some so small she could hardly see them, others bigger, as if the holes had been enlarged. Those were the ones she’d seen, the ones she’d felt.

  ‘Did they get it all out?’

  He turned back towards her, his mouth tilted into a wry smile. ‘Mostly, but let’s just say it wouldn’t be a good idea to put me in an MRI scanner.’

  She winced. ‘Well, it would get all the last bits out, I suppose,’ she said drily, and he chuckled and pulled her back into his arms.

  ‘You have such a bad sense of humour,’ he murmured, and kissed her again, tenderly this time, his hand stroking her damp, tangled hair. ‘You need to deal with this or it’s going to dry in knots, and I probably should go and talk to the whining dog. Have another shower, and I’ll follow you.’

  He kissed her again and let her go, and she stood in the shower and rewashed her hair, this time using the conditioner that she’d taken over there for Tatty, and she was almost done when she felt his hands on her, turning her into his arms as he stepped into the shower behind her.

  ‘Are you OK? I was a bit rough, but I couldn’t think about anything but getting close to you, so close I could feel your heartbeat so I knew you were still alive.’

  ‘Don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic?’ she said softly, but he shook his head.

  ‘No. If you’d seen what I’ve seen...’

  ‘Tell me.’

  ‘No. There are things you don’t need to know, things I don’t need to remember.’

  He rested his head against hers. ‘I still can’t believe you went in there,’ he said, his voice unsteady, and she hugged him hard, feeling the tension in his body.

  ‘I’m fine, Ryan. I know it was stupid, looking back on it, but at the time it was no big deal and I’d probably do it again. I couldn’t have let him burn to death, I couldn’t have lived with myself.’

  ‘No, I get that, I do. You just scared the spit out of me.’

  ‘I’m sorry. How is he, by the way?’

  ‘OK. He might have AF. They’re monitoring him. How did you know he’d had a triple bypass?’

  ‘I saw the scar when they were doing the ECG, and I asked him. He only had it done last year, after Queenie died. He wouldn’t do it before. He’s such a good man.’

  ‘He is, and I’m glad you saved his life.’ He let her go, stared down into her eyes and then bent his head and kissed her again, with a touch of desperation. ‘Even so, don’t ever do anything like that again, please,’ he muttered gruffly against her mouth.

  She stroked her fingers lightly over his cheek. ‘I’m fine, Ry. You look shattered. You need to go to bed.’

  ‘Come with me. I still need to hold you.’

  ‘Tatty might have a view.’

  ‘Tough. She can find herself somewhere else to sleep.’

  ‘Unlikely. I’ll come and join you both. You finish your shower and sort the dog out, and I’ll dry my hair and see you in a minute.’

  She was more than a minute, but not much, and he was lying in the middle of his bed, with Tatty beside him. She got in on his other side, and he pulled her into his arms, cradling her face against his shoulder.

  ‘OK?’

  She nodded and yawned. ‘I feel exhausted. It’s so late—what time is it?’

  ‘Nearly one. Go to sleep, my love. I’ve got you.’

  She tilted her head and kissed him fleetingly, then settled against him, comforted by his warmth and the strong, steady beat of his heart as she fell asleep in his arms.

  * * *

  He couldn’t sleep. All he could think was that he could have lost her.

  If the chip pan had exploded, or the gas line to the cooker, or any one of a dozen other things, he could have lost her.

  It must have taken such courage to go in there. Courage and humanity, things Beth had in spades, it seemed.

  She’d even rescued Queenie’s ashes to put Reg’s mind at rest.

  God, he loved her. He hoped he’d get the job, so they could stay here and make this their home, start a new life together, but there was the other candidate to consider. He had his interview tomorrow—no, today. It was today.

  He hoped he didn’t run into him. He might be tempted to sabotage him.

  Beth whimpered in her sleep, and Tatty got up, walked over him and lay down beside her. He shifted slightly to give them both more room, and Beth snuggled closer in her sleep.

  It felt so good to hold her. Really good...

  He fell asleep with a smile on his face.

  * * *

  She woke to a kiss, and she opened her eyes and smiled up at him.

  ‘Morning.’

  ‘Mmm. It is, and I have to go to work, but first...’

  He kissed her again, his touch tender this time, lingering and full of promise.

  ‘Do you have to go?’ she asked as he pulled away, and he gave a wry chuckle.

  ‘Sadly I think I do, especially if I want the job. The other guy’s got his interview today and shirking doesn’t look good.’

  She smiled at that. ‘Probably not. Go on, then. I’ll see you later. I start at twelve again, but just till nine so it’s a bit more civilised. You can cook for me, if you like?’

  ‘Or we could go out for dinner?’

  She shook her head. ‘No. Let’s stay in. Reg won’t be here so we need to spend time with Tatty. I’ll take her for a quick walk soon, then again before I come in, but I’ve got to take some things in for Reg as well, so I might do that mid-morning. Want to grab a coffee then?’

  ‘If there’s time. Come and tell me how he is.’

  ‘OK. I’ll see you later.’

  He kissed her again and left, and she spent a few more minutes coming to, listening to the sound of Tatty chasing her bowl around the kitchen floor, then she threw back the covers and went into the bathroom and caught sight of herself in the mirror.

  Her hair was dishevelled, her eyes had smudges under them, but she was smiling, and she realised that for the first time in a very long while she felt happy.

  Not just content, but genuinely, truly happy.

  Humming under her breath, she washed and dressed, glad she’d brought clean clothes because the ones she’d had on yesterday really did smell awful, and then after she’d walked Tatty she let herself into Reg’s house.

  The smell was still lingering in the air, and she guessed it would take a while to shift. She found him some wash things in the bathroom, and had a hunt for some clothes because the ones he’d been wearing would smell of smoke, but the first cupboard she opened was full of women’s clothes, like a giant memory box for Queenie.

  She fingered the sleeve of a pretty blouse, and felt her eyes fill. Poor Reg...

  Core business.

  She opened the next cupboard and found what she was lookin
g for, pulled out trousers, a shirt, some underwear and pyjamas, and left for the hospital.

  He was sitting out in the chair when she arrived, and she perched on the bed beside him with a smile.

  ‘You’re up bright and early,’ she said, and he nodded.

  ‘I couldn’t settle. I was worried about the house.’

  ‘No need to worry, Reg. The house is fine. They were still there when I got back last night, but the kitchen isn’t damaged, and it’s all locked up, though it’s a bit smelly, I’m afraid.’

  He nodded. ‘I thought as much. But the rest is all right?’

  ‘Yes. It’ll be fine, I’m sure. But how are you, that’s the main thing?’

  ‘Oh, I’m all right, Beth. Don’t know why I’m here, really. I’d rather be at home.’

  She took his hand and squeezed it. ‘I’m sure they won’t keep you in any longer than they think is necessary. We were a bit worried about your heart and your breathing.’

  ‘Oh, I’ve always been a bit wheezy. I’m best outdoors, really. I always have the windows open, even in the winter. I guess that’s how you smelt the fire.’

  ‘The dog warned me. She was fussing.’

  ‘Was she? Bless her. I was so pleased to see you last night, Beth. I thought I was going to die in there...’

  His eyes filled, and he patted her hand with his other one, and she clasped it.

  ‘But you didn’t. Why didn’t you go outside? Come round to me and raise the alarm? Was it because of Queenie?’

  He nodded, and she felt her own eyes well.

  ‘Oh, Reg. She’s safe. She’s in Ryan’s study, waiting for you to come home. Do you have any family we can contact for you?’

  He shook his head. ‘No. We were never blessed with children, and all the rest of my family have died. That’s what happens when you get old, girl.’

  She nodded, then glanced at her watch and sighed. ‘I’m sorry, I’m going to have to go, I’ve got to walk Tatty again and give her lunch and I start work at twelve, but I’ve brought you in some clothes. I have no idea if they’re the right ones, but if not I can go back to get some others. And I’ve brought some wash things. I’ll be back later to see you. I’ll just go and tell Ryan how you are.’

  She kissed his grizzled cheek and eased her hands away from his, and he let her go with obvious reluctance.

  Ryan was just coming out of Resus when she got down there, and she caught him up with Reg’s progress.

  ‘His breathing’s much better now. They might discharge him later today, but he hasn’t got any family so goodness knows where he’ll go.’

  ‘We’ll keep an eye on him, don’t worry. As you said he spends most of his time with Tatty, and we’re in and out. Got time for coffee?’

  ‘Probably. What about you?’

  ‘Probably not, but the other candidate’s having a guided tour so to be honest I’d rather make myself scarce for a bit.’

  ‘You don’t want to show off?’

  He snorted. ‘I did have a childish urge, but it’s quiet—’

  ‘Adult trauma call, five minutes. Paediatric trauma call, five minutes.’

  She laughed at the dirty look he gave the tannoy speaker. ‘Here’s your chance, McKenna. I’ll leave you to it. Knock their socks off.’

  His chuckle followed her as she walked away, and she couldn’t stop the smile on her face.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  THE NEXT FEW days were hectic, but luckily Reg was back home by Monday evening, a little shaken still but seemingly unscathed, and when Ryan suggested that they could juggle their shifts so he didn’t need to worry about helping out with the dog, Reg looked so crestfallen that he relented.

  In return, though, he cleaned and repainted the old man’s kitchen on his day off, and gave him a lecture on safety and an electric chip fryer that only used a teaspoon of oil, and they juggled the odd shift without telling him.

  The upside was that Tatty was spending lots of time with Reg in the run-up to her puppies, which as far as they were concerned was a win-win, because it kept both the dog and the old man happy, and one or other of them would walk her before and after work. And since she seemed to be spending most nights with Ryan, Beth moved some of her things there. First a toothbrush, then some underwear and a couple of tops, her trainers for dog walking, then some work clothes...

  She wasn’t there every night, but the nights she was—those nights were everything she’d remembered, and more.

  She’d forgotten just how in tune their bodies were, how responsive she was to every touch, and their lovemaking now had an extra edge that it hadn’t had before, an exquisite tenderness that left her feeling cherished. Because he loved her? Or at least she supposed he did, although he hadn’t said it yet in so many words.

  She wished he would, not least because it was on the tip of her tongue all the time, but she guessed he was holding back until he was certain how he felt. After all, it wasn’t just her who’d been affected by Grace’s death, and he’d had all the aid stuff to deal with. The fallout from that must have been pretty devastating at times, although he hadn’t said a lot. Not that he ever did, but she was getting to know him now, and she knew there was no way he’d tell her anything until he was ready.

  Then at the end of the week a woman and child were brought in from an RTC. The fire crew had cut them out of the car, and although the mother seemed uninjured, the child was struggling to breathe and she refused to leave him.

  ‘Right, let’s get the clothes off and have a look,’ Ryan said, reaching for his stethoscope. ‘We need CXR, echo and let’s get him on one hundred per cent oxygen. Can you tell me what happened?’ he asked the mother, and Beth looked at her and frowned.

  She looked OK, and yet there was something...

  ‘I—I swerved. There was a dog. I must have hit the kerb, and the car just rolled over and over. I wasn’t even going fast. Don’t make me go. I can’t leave him.’

  ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to,’ Beth said softly, putting an arm round her. ‘He’s in good hands. Come and sit down over here and give Emma all your details, and let us do our job. We’ll make sure you know what’s going on.’

  ‘Don’t let him die—’

  ‘Not my plan,’ Ryan said, but his face was oddly expressionless and Beth’s pulse hiked. ‘Beth, I need you, please. I think we’ve got a tamponade.’

  He was listening to the chest, looking at the little boy’s neck, checking the monitor.

  Low blood pressure, she noticed, but only slightly, and he was tachycardic. ‘Are you sure?’ she murmured, out of the mother’s earshot.

  ‘No, but I want an echo. Can I have the FAST scanner, please? And where’s the radiographer?’

  ‘I’m here,’ Sue said, coming in, and moments later they had a picture of his chest on the screen, confirming the FAST scanner’s findings.

  ‘Increased cardiac silhouette, so he’ll need pericardiocentesis,’ Ryan said, and then the monitor began to bleep and he said something under his breath and met her eyes. ‘Someone call cardiology, please, and, Beth, can you talk Mum through pericardiocentesis and then give me a hand, please? I’ll get him prepped.’

  Great. Tell a worried mother someone was going to stick a huge needle into the boy’s chest and suck blood out from around his heart before it killed him. She sat down beside her and took her hand.

  ‘Mrs Gray—’

  ‘Louise, please. What’s he doing to Tim?’

  ‘It looks like he’s got fluid around his heart, under the pericardium, the membrane that surrounds it, and that’s pressing on the heart muscle and stopping it from doing its job, so what we need to do is put a needle in, very carefully, and draw off the fluid.’

  ‘What kind of fluid?’

  ‘Blood, most likely. It looks as if he might have a bleed in there, possibly from the collision.’


  She shook her head. ‘But there wasn’t really a collision. I don’t understand. Was it the seat belt? He’s in a five-point harness—it can’t be that.’

  ‘There’s an old bruise on his chest,’ Ryan said, turning his head. ‘Has he fallen recently, in the last week or so?’

  ‘Um—yes, a couple of days ago. More, maybe. He fell downstairs and landed on a toy. He was only halfway up, but he was being silly. He’s always silly, he’s a boy—’

  She pressed her hand over her mouth, and shook her head. ‘He seemed fine, and then today he was tired and didn’t seem to want to do anything. I was going to take him to the doctor if he wasn’t better tomorrow, but it’s the weekend. I should have gone today—’

  ‘Well, you’re here now,’ Beth said, ‘and maybe it wasn’t that, but at least you’re here and you’re in the best place. I need to go and help, but Emma will stay with you.’

  She nodded, her face contorted with fear for her son, and Beth went over to Ryan, who was already gowned and gloved.

  ‘Cardiology can’t spare anyone fast enough so I want you to help me,’ he said quietly.

  ‘What do you need?’

  ‘A twenty-one-gauge spinal needle with the trocar removed, a five mil and thirty mil syringe, a three-way tap and T connector.’

  ‘OK.’

  By the time she was ready he was poised with the needle just under the bottom of Tim’s sternum, aiming for his left shoulder and advancing the needle in little jerks, under the guidance of the FAST scanner wand she was holding, until the syringe suddenly began to fill with blood.

  ‘OK, I’m in. Let’s get the T connector and tap on it, and get this fluid off.’

  He was still drawing off the fluid when the boy’s respiration rate and heart rate slowed, his blood pressure picked up and his breathing steadied.

  ‘Well done,’ she said softly, and he looked up, his eyes suddenly bright.

  ‘Yeah. I didn’t want to lose this one.’

  This one?

  She straightened up and smiled at Louise across the room.