From Heartache to Forever

by Caroline Anderson

  ‘He’s looking better already,’ she said, and Louise put her hand over her mouth and stifled a sob. Her other hand, Beth noticed, was lying against her abdomen, almost cradling it...

  ‘Are you done with me?’ she asked Ryan quietly. ‘I’ve got a bad feeling about Louise.’

  He glanced over his shoulder and nodded. ‘You go. He’s fine. We’ll ship him up to PICU shortly, they can continue to monitor him but I think we’ve done enough for now.’

  She went over to Louise and sat down again, taking her hand. ‘Louise, I think I need to have a look at you. You might have been hurt by the seat belt.’

  Her eyes flared wider, and she sucked in a breath. ‘My baby,’ she whispered. ‘Oh, no—Beth, I’m pregnant. I can’t lose it.’

  Please, no...

  ‘Let’s get a look at you,’ she murmured. ‘Come and lie down here on this other bed and I’ll get the ultrasound and we’ll have a look, OK? How many weeks are you?’

  ‘Sixteen—no, seventeen. I don’t know.’

  About what she’d been when she’d found out she was pregnant with Grace, when she’d put her tight clothes down to comfort eating after Ryan had gone away...

  ‘Can I borrow the FAST scanner, please?’ she said, and Emma brought it over to her and handed her the gel as Louise pulled her trousers down over her little bump. She could see the mark of the seat belt over her hips. Was the baby high enough to have escaped injury?

  Please let it be all right...

  A nice, steady heartbeat filled the room, and Ryan lifted his head and met her eyes, his expression startled.

  ‘Baby’s fine,’ she said to Louise, choking back tears, and Ryan’s shoulders dropped and he went back to dealing with the boy.

  * * *

  ‘Are you OK?’

  She didn’t pretend not to understand.

  ‘Yes, Ry, I’m OK. The baby was fine, Louise is in the antenatal ward under observation, Tim’s doing well in PICU, and her husband’s trying to split himself in half. I’m happy with that.’ She cocked her head on one side and searched his eyes. ‘What about you?’ she asked softly.

  He shrugged and turned away, busying himself with his fancy coffee machine. ‘Just another day at the office,’ he said lightly, reaching for a mug, but she shook her head.

  ‘No, it wasn’t. What did you mean by “I didn’t want to lose this one”?’

  He shrugged again, but she wasn’t having it and she turned him gently to face her. ‘Ry, talk to me.’

  He let his breath out on a huff, put the mug down and folded his arms across his chest.

  ‘He was called Raoul. He was six, and he used to hang around the medical centre hoping for food. One day he got caught in an explosion, and a small lump of concrete hit him in the chest. I didn’t get to see him in time, and by then it was too late. There was too much blood under the pericardium and his heart gave up and I couldn’t get it going again. And then I had to tell his mother. It’s a sound you never get used to, the wail of a mother who’s lost their child—’

  He tilted his head back, but she could see the tears he refused to shed, and she wrapped her arms around him and held him close.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  His arms went round her, his head resting against hers, and they stood like that for a long time.

  ‘There were too many children like Raoul,’ he said eventually. ‘Babies, little kids, all caught in the fallout, and then the teenagers, the ones who’d joined a militia movement and got themselves shot. Kids who died of diseases we can cure so easily. Malaria, bilharzia, and things like Ebola which are much harder and wipe out whole families. It’s just endlessly heartbreaking.’

  ‘Is that why you came home?’

  He nodded slowly. ‘I had burnout, I think, or if I didn’t, I was getting dangerously close to it. That’s why I wanted to be here, why I wanted the job, not another one in an inner city fighting to stem the tide of gang violence and drug culture. I just wanted to be normal, Beth. I wanted to feel safe. Is that so wrong?’

  ‘No. No, it’s not wrong, Ryan. It’s human—and you’re still a great doctor, and you’re needed here. Without you and the rest of the team, little Tim could have died today, but he didn’t, because you spotted it, even though it wasn’t that obvious at first.’

  ‘No. He’s got Raoul to thank for that, so maybe his death wasn’t in vain.’ He dropped his arms and stepped away, letting his breath out on a long, slow sigh, then he met her eyes and smiled gently. ‘Are you sure you’re OK?’

  She nodded. ‘Yes. Yes, I’m fine. Fancy something to eat?’

  ‘That would be good. I’ll take Tatty out while you sort it. And then an early night, I think.’ His eyes were warm and tender, and she smiled up at him, and went up on tiptoe and kissed his cheek.

  ‘Sounds perfect,’ she said softly.

  * * *

  It was the following Monday and she was walking the dog when her phone rang. Ryan.

  ‘Where are you?’ he said brusquely.

  ‘By the river, with Tatty. Why? Where are you?’

  ‘On my way home. I’ll come and join you.’

  ‘OK. We’ll wait for you outside the pub. Can you bring the car? Tatty’s a bit tired.’

  ‘OK. See you shortly.’

  The phone went dead, and she stared at it, puzzled. He’d sounded—weird? Very short, which wasn’t like him.

  ‘Are you OK, Tatty? Let’s go and sit down and wait for Ry, shall we?’

  She wagged her tail, but she’d lost the spring in her step and Beth wondered how soon she’d go into labour. If they only knew exactly when the pups were due.

  They walked slowly back to the Harbour Inn and found a table outside the front, and Tatty lay down with a sigh at her feet while Beth kept an eye out for his car, her nerves on edge.

  What was going on? Had the other guy got the job? Please, no. Not that. Anything but that, but it had been a week now since his interview, two weeks since Ryan’s, although they’d been trying not to think about it. Surely they’d decided by now?

  His car turned into the car park, and he slotted it into a space, slammed the door and strode over to her, his face tense.

  Oh, no. She stood up and took a step towards him, and he stopped.

  ‘I’ve got a second interview this Thursday,’ he said, his voice strangely tight. ‘We both have.’

  ‘Why?’

  He shrugged. ‘They couldn’t decide. The panel were divided, apparently. James couldn’t say a lot, but he was obviously on my side from the few things he did say. I don’t know. I hoped it would be over, but it goes on.’

  She hugged him, and he hugged her back, his head resting against hers as he sighed.

  ‘I hate interviews,’ he mumbled. ‘The last one was vile, and this one—well. Who knows? I can only do my best, and I’m sure there’ll be other jobs. Just not here. Ah, well. Fancy eating here?’

  ‘Not really,’ she said quietly, feeling crushed for him and gutted that he still didn’t know, that they still didn’t know, when she’d finally realised how very important it was to him to stay here in this place that meant so much to them. ‘Tatty’s quite tired. Let’s just go home.’

  Or home for now, at least.

  Please let him get the job...

  * * *

  If he’d thought the first interview was gruelling, the second was much worse, the questions designed to challenge even the strongest candidate, but he knew what they were doing. Piling on the stress to see how he coped.

  Well, he could do stress. He’d lived on a knife edge for over two years and kept his head, and he kept it now, making sure he addressed his answers not only to the person who’d asked the question but to the others as well, and when it was over he went back to work, resigned to another week or so of torment.

  And then the following afternoon Jam
es came and found him and put him out of his misery.

  * * *

  She heard the scrunch of tyres while she was in the kitchen, and she met him in the hall. He was early—and he was never early. Why?

  ‘I got it,’ he said, looking slightly shocked. ‘I got the job. I actually got the job!’

  ‘Oh, Ry!’ Her eyes welled, and she threw herself at him and he picked her up and swung her round, his laugh echoing in her ears, and then put her down, cradled her face and kissed her senseless.

  She could feel his smile against her mouth, and she pulled away and looked up at him, searching his eyes and finding nothing but relief.

  ‘How did you find out?’

  ‘James told me. He said the panel were still divided, but much less so. Apparently I interviewed really well yesterday and I was much more convincing, but it’s gone on so long now I’d begun to think I didn’t stand a chance.’

  She frowned. ‘Why? The other candidate is much older than you, and I thought James felt he was ready to wind down.’

  ‘He did. He still does, but some of the others felt he was a safer pair of hands, and it’s my first consultancy and I haven’t exactly had a conventional career path in the last few years.’

  ‘So what swayed it in the end?’

  He shrugged. ‘My interview yesterday, I think. The CEO had the casting vote, so it was his decision.’ He laughed. ‘Looking at it cynically from his point of view, I’m cheaper, and I’m already here, so they don’t have to wait six months for him to work his notice. That’s got to help. And James was pretty adamant, I think, from what he said—plus he seems to have realised something’s going on with us and I don’t think he wanted to lose you, too.’

  She narrowed her eyes. ‘Have you said anything to him?’

  His mouth twitched. ‘I might have let something slip.’

  ‘You are so naughty.’

  ‘Yeah, but you love me,’ he said.

  There was a breathless silence, and then she smiled.

  ‘Yes, I do,’ she said softly, and went up on tiptoe and kissed him again. Just a fleeting kiss, and then she sank back on her heels and looked into his eyes.

  They were suddenly bright, and he swallowed hard, his hand coming up to cradle her cheek.

  ‘It’s been so hard waiting, not knowing what was going to happen, but now...’

  ‘Now we have a future here?’ she suggested, holding her breath, and he shrugged.

  ‘I hope so—or at least a shot at it. That’s up to you. If it’s what you want—’

  ‘Of course it’s what I want!’

  ‘Good. I’d better ring James, then, and tell him I’ll take it.’

  She felt her jaw drop. ‘You haven’t told him?’

  ‘No. Not till I’d spoken to you.’

  ‘Why?’

  His shoulders lifted in a tiny shrug. ‘I didn’t do things right with Katie. I told her I was signing up with MFA, I told her what it meant to me, that I’d be away maybe for years, that I didn’t want kids any time soon if at all—I thought she understood, but I never asked her what she wanted, I just assumed she’d be fine with it, but it turned out she wasn’t, and so she tried to manipulate me by getting pregnant. And yes, she didn’t handle it well, but nor did I and we both got hurt. I don’t want to make the same mistake again.’

  ‘I’m not Katie, Ryan, and you’re not the man you were then. Phone James, tell him you want the job, if you really do, but don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself. This has to be right for you, and if it’s not what you want, then don’t take it. I don’t want you turning round to me in six months’ or three years’ time and accusing me of making you do something you didn’t want to do.’

  He kissed her gently. ‘You’re not. And I do want it.’

  ‘So ring him. Ring him now, and while you’re doing that I’ll finish getting supper. Oh, and is your DJ OK? You’ve got to wear it tomorrow for the wedding.’

  ‘It’s fine, it’s all ready. I’ll ring James now.’

  He kissed her again, then pulled out his phone and she went back to the kitchen and stared out of the window at the river in the distance.

  It was happening. He was staying, and maybe he’d buy this house and they’d live here together, with that beautiful view in front of them.

  With a family?

  Her heart thumped. Too soon to think about that. She wasn’t ready, and just to be certain, she’d gone back on the Pill. Not that it had worked for them last time, but that was because she’d failed to take it on time in the hectic week leading up to their weekend. She’d be more careful this time, and in the meantime Ryan was being meticulous.

  But—maybe one day?

  Or maybe not. She frowned. He still hadn’t said he loved her. She’d given him the perfect chance, and he hadn’t taken it. Why not? And now she knew he’d want children in the future, maybe he was holding back until he was sure she was ready for that. And she wasn’t sure she was, or would ever be. It was only two years ago that she’d lost Grace. It seemed like yesterday, but in another lifetime.

  Was she ever going to be brave enough to try again?

  ‘All done. He said he’ll see us tomorrow at the wedding. So, my clothes are sorted. What are you wearing?’

  She pasted on a smile and turned to face him. ‘I don’t know yet. I’m sure I’ve got something. I’ll have a look tomorrow.’

  ‘You’re on duty from seven to five. You changed your shift, remember, so you didn’t have to work on Sunday?’

  She clapped a hand over her mouth. ‘I’d forgotten. I’d better have a look tonight, and I might as well stay at home if I’m at work for seven. Is that OK?’

  ‘Of course it’s OK. We’re not joined at the hip, Beth. You can do whatever you like.’

  Did she imagine it, or did that sound like he didn’t care?

  No. He might not have said he loved her, but she knew he cared about her. Just maybe not enough...

  ‘What?’

  ‘Hmm?’

  ‘You’ve got a strange look on your face, as if I just said something weird.’

  ‘No. Just—“do what you like” sounded a bit...’

  ‘Like I don’t own you?’ He laughed softly and pulled her into his arms, staring down into her eyes with a smile. ‘I simply meant you don’t need my permission to do something. It would be nice if you let me know you aren’t going to be around just so I’m not worried about you, but you can do whatever you want, of course you can.’

  ‘Are you sure? Because really, I could do with spending this evening at home. I’ve got so much to do, I haven’t done my washing for days and—I don’t know, Tatty’s beginning to look a bit imminent and if I need to be here I could do with sorting out some clothes and also working out what I’m wearing tomorrow. Would you mind if I go as soon as we eat?’

  ‘Of course I don’t mind.’

  ‘Are you sure? Because we probably should be celebrating your new job, and I’m going to take myself off.’

  He laughed and hugged her. ‘Of course I don’t mind. I’ve got to write a formal letter of acceptance, anyway, and I could do with settling Tatty in whatever place she wants to have her pups. Any ideas?’

  ‘She keeps hanging out in the spare room, at the end of the wardrobe. There’s a space there, a bit tucked away? I’ve found her there a couple of times in the last few days.’

  ‘Yes, so’ve I. OK. I’ll make her a bed. So, what are you cooking? It smells good. Anything I can do to help?’

  She smiled up at him, kissed his cheek and handed him the vegetable knife.

  * * *

  It felt odd being back in her own house for the first time in days. Odd, and a bit lonely, but she had plenty to do, starting with putting on a load of washing and then finding a dress for the wedding.

  Easier said than done, but it was too late
now to worry about it, and she had a few options, one of which was a dress she’d worn the only other time she’d been to the hotel. She’d been going to wear it for dinner, but she’d put it on and they hadn’t made it through the door.

  She pulled it out and looked at it critically. It was certainly smart enough, a midnight blue velvet dress with a scoop neck front and back, gently figure-hugging with a straight cut and a subtle slit up the back to just below the knee. Discreet, simple, elegant—and he’d taken one look at her in it, peeled it off her and made love to her slowly and systematically, kissing every inch of her and taking her to the brink over and over again until she’d been begging him to finish it.

  Would he remember?

  She wriggled into it—a little tighter than it had been, but then she’d been reeling from Rick’s lying, cheating betrayal and she hadn’t been eating a lot. But it still fitted, better now if anything, and it was the best thing in her wardrobe.

  She found earrings and a necklace that were perfect with it, nude heels that weren’t so high she couldn’t dance in them, and a nude wrap in case it got chilly if they went out into the courtyard, because it was only early May.

  She closed her eyes briefly, then put the dress on its hanger and went downstairs, picking up the little heart. This time two years ago, their baby had still been alive. They’d been lonely and heartbreaking years, but now there might be light at the end of that long, dark tunnel.

  ‘Your daddy got the job, my darling,’ she told Grace softly. ‘He’s going to be here, and maybe we’re going to be with him, if it all goes well.’ She smiled sadly. ‘I think you’d like him. I’m so sorry you’ll never get to meet him, but I think he loves you. We’ll be thinking about you tomorrow, my love.’

  She kissed the little heart, then carried it upstairs and packed it in the bag of things she’d got ready to take to Ryan’s. She was going to drop it off on her way to work in the morning then come back here after her shift to get ready, and he was picking her up in a taxi at twenty past seven.

  And she was already getting nervous, wondering if she was reading too much into their relationship, hoping she wasn’t investing too much of herself in him.