From Heartache to Forever

by Caroline Anderson

  ‘There we go,’ he said, his fingers clearing the membranes away from its face, but it didn’t breathe, despite Tatty licking it furiously, so he picked it up, held it in his hand as he’d seen his father do and swung it down to drain the fluid from its lungs.

  Nothing. He did it again, and again, and again, and then finally there was a tiny cough, and he grabbed the towel and rubbed it gently, and it squeaked.

  ‘Oh, Ry,’ Beth said, and he swallowed hard and put the squeaking puppy back with its anxious mother. She washed it firmly, tumbling it around by her teats, and then nosed it up to lie beside its sibling.

  It latched on after a moment, and he gave a sigh of relief and slumped back against the bed, and Beth tucked her arm through his and hugged it. ‘Well done,’ she said, her voice choked, and he turned his head and kissed her wordlessly.

  No choice. He couldn’t have spoken if he’d tried, but the pup was OK, Tatty was OK, and all they could do now was watch and wait.

  * * *

  The next two puppies arrived without event, and then after washing them all again and giving them time to feed, Tatty got carefully to her feet and stepped out of the box, looking at them expectantly.

  ‘I imagine she needs to go out,’ Ryan said, and left Beth there with the puppies while he took her in the garden.

  She shuffled over to them and looked at them closely. Two black, one a pale cream, the other, the smallest and the one who’d had problems, a darker gold, all fat little butterballs with Tatty’s black nose.

  They came back, and she got up and moved out of the way so Ryan could clean out the box and give them fresh bedding.

  ‘Here, cuddle the puppies,’ he said, handing them to her, and she sat on the bed and cradled them in her lap while Tatty sniffed them and wagged her tail.

  ‘You’re a clever girl,’ she said fondly, and looked up at Ryan. ‘Four’s nice.’

  He laughed and looked at her over his shoulder. ‘I wonder if we’ll still be thinking that when they’re tumbling round the kitchen causing havoc,’ he said, and spread out fresh newspaper in the bottom of the box.

  ‘There you go, Tatty. In you get.’

  He scooped up her babies and put them back in the box, and she stepped carefully over them and lay down again with a quiet sigh, the puppies snuggling up to her in a sleepy heap.

  He straightened up with a smile, and held out his hand. ‘Come on. Let’s go and have some breakfast. I’m starving. I didn’t eat a lot last night.’

  ‘No, nor did I. What time is it?’

  ‘Quarter to six.’

  She swallowed. Two years ago she’d been lying in a side room in the maternity unit cradling her daughter, her world in pieces, and now, all thanks to Tatty and Ryan, the date had a new, happier memory.

  She reached up her hand and took his, and he pulled her to her feet, and as if he understood he put his arm around her and walked with her out to the garden.

  ‘How do you fancy a bacon sandwich?’

  ‘Amazing,’ she said, conjuring up a smile, and he kissed her gently.

  ‘Sit here in the sunshine. I’ll bring you some coffee while the bacon’s cooking.’

  She perched on the wall and hugged herself, rubbing her arms. It was a bit chilly, but the sun was just coming over the roof of the bungalow and she could feel the warmth of its rays on her head and shoulders. It wouldn’t be long before it was summer, she realised. Just another few weeks. By the time the puppies were ready for rehoming, it would be glorious out here.

  ‘You need a new bench,’ she said as he emerged with her coffee.

  ‘I do. I also need to talk to the agent about the house.’

  ‘Are you going to buy it?’

  ‘I don’t know. I think I’d like to. I love it here. It’s so peaceful, and anyway, it’s Tatty’s home so I sort of have to,’ he added with a grin. ‘Why? What do you think?’

  ‘What do I think? I think I thought she was going to the rescue centre.’

  He pulled a face. ‘Yeah. I’ve been having second thoughts about that, and I don’t think Reg would ever speak to me again. I meant the house, by the way. What do you think about the house?’

  ‘I like it,’ she said simply. ‘You’re right, it’s lovely and peaceful here, and it’s got a beautiful view. And it’s Tatty’s home, of course.’

  He grunted, handed her the coffee and walked away, leaving her smiling.

  ‘I knew you wouldn’t rehome her,’ she murmured, and wrapped her hands around the mug, the smile lingering.

  * * *

  The puppies were gorgeous, and they’d grown like weeds.

  It wasn’t long before they were bumbling around the kitchen where he’d moved them to. He’d rigged up a bedroom for them all in the passage that led to the garage, and every now and then they were let out to play, collapsing soon into a heap back in their bed or just falling asleep on their feet and keeling over where they were, usually underfoot.

  He and Beth were sharing their care; she’d more or less moved in, and they’d fixed their shifts so that one or other of them was about most of the time, and of course Reg was almost a permanent fixture, turning up every afternoon just after lunch and sitting with the pups in the garden while they tumbled on the lawn.

  And because Tatty had been feeding them until they were fully weaned, he and Beth had the luxury of the enormous bed all to themselves, and they were taking full advantage of it.

  Life was good, and once the pups were rehomed in three weeks it would be even better, because they’d be working together again, and he missed that, but for now it worked for them, and it wouldn’t be long.

  * * *

  Beth was exhausted.

  She wasn’t sure why. Yes, the puppies had been full on, but she was used to being busy, and work hadn’t been any harder than normal. OK, it was summer and there was a small influx of visitors to the town getting into trouble, but that didn’t explain it.

  Maybe it was the lack of sleep? They’d certainly been staying up late so Tatty could have a last feed before they put her away for the night with the pups, but even allowing for the fact that without fail they’d make love before they went to sleep, she was still getting a solid six or seven hours.

  Whatever, she was too tired to eat, not interested in food, and she found her eyelids drooping in the middle of every afternoon regardless of what she was doing.

  It was almost as if she was pregnant—

  No. She couldn’t be. She was back on the Pill, taking it meticulously on time, and until it had kicked in Ryan had been just as meticulous about birth control, so how?

  No. She couldn’t be—could she? It was either that or something worse, and there was an easy way to find out. Numb, feeling chilled to the bone despite the lovely day, she shut the puppies away with their mum, got in her car and drove to the nearest supermarket, bought a pregnancy test and drove home, then sat in the bathroom for half an hour summoning up the courage to do the test.

  And when she finally did, it was positive.

  She felt sick. Sick with fear and dread and horror at what this would mean for them, what it would mean to Ryan, because he’d still not said he wanted children yet, or that he wanted a permanent relationship with her, and he still, despite everything, hadn’t told her that he loved her.

  Because he didn’t?

  Maybe living together for the last few weeks had made him realise it wasn’t what he wanted? Maybe he regretted taking that step and had only done it out of guilt because of Grace?

  How was she going to tell him?

  She heard his key in the lock, and quickly grabbed the test wand and the box and stuffed them into her washbag in the cupboard as he walked in.

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t realise you were in here—are you OK?’ he added, tipping his head on one side and searching her face.

  ‘I’m fine. Wh
y wouldn’t I be?’ she lied, and pushed past him. ‘Are you going to take Tatty for a walk?’

  ‘Yes, in a second. I just need—’

  He broke off, and she held her breath as he walked out of the bathroom after her, a sheet of printed paper in his hand.

  The instructions for the pregnancy test.

  He looked up, his eyes shocked, then looked down at it again, dropping it as if it was red hot.

  ‘You’re pregnant,’ he said, his voice hollow. It wasn’t a question. Her face had probably given her away.

  He swore viciously under his breath, then strode into the kitchen, called Tatty, clipped her lead on and went out without a word.

  So that was it. His reaction, in a nutshell, reduced to a few choice words.

  Well, what had she expected? Delight? No. Of course not, because he obviously wasn’t ready, didn’t want children yet, and maybe never with her. He certainly hadn’t wanted Grace, although her death had hurt him deeply, and it looked like he didn’t want this baby, either.

  Her hand slid down over her still flat abdomen, and she squeezed her eyes shut to hold back the tears.

  Please be all right. Let my baby be all right. That’s all that matters.

  She’d be OK. She’d go back to her own house, and Ryan could make his own arrangements for the puppies. Maybe the foster lady could take them now, they were nearly six weeks old.

  Not your problem.

  She went into his bedroom, found all her things and stuffed them into her bag and a couple of carrier bags she found in the kitchen. Her wash things went in, but there was something else, something much more important.

  She went into his study, and there on the desk was Grace’s heart, but it was sitting on a sheet of paper with Ryan’s writing on it, and as she reached out she saw the word ‘Grace’.

  She picked it up, her heart pounding, and sat down on the chair as if her strings had been cut.

  My darling Grace,

  I don’t know what to say to you, except to tell you that I love you more than I could ever have thought possible.

  I’ve lost so much. Your first tooth, your first word, your first step. Taking you to school, taking you to your first dance, walking you down the aisle. All gone.

  I’ve never known what it means to be a father, I never had that chance, and I don’t know if I’ll ever have the chance to find out because, although I love her deeply, I think your mother is afraid to try again, and so am I.

  But I want you to know that if we ever find the courage to have another child he or she will be told about you, about how much we both love you, and how very much you’re missed, every single day.

  Sleep tight, my beloved angel.

  Daddy xxx

  The words swam in front of her eyes, and she put the letter down carefully on the desk under Grace’s heart, and stood up, her legs trembling.

  She had to find him, and she knew just exactly where he’d be...

  * * *

  He didn’t know what to do.

  This was his fault. It had to be. He’d thought he’d been so careful, and he couldn’t remember a single time when he hadn’t used a condom, and he’d seen Beth taking her pills, because they were in the bedside table and it was the first thing she did every morning without fail, right under his nose.

  And yet regardless of that, she was pregnant, but how?

  He’d consciously kept using the condoms. He knew the Pill wasn’t always reliable. Belt and braces? Maybe, but he’d felt that was better than an unwanted pregnancy—he knew that would devastate her.

  Yet here they were. He’d seen the fear in her eyes, the dread of facing what she’d faced with Grace all over again, and it tore his heart to pieces because it had to have been his fault.

  But how? When?

  Unless...

  The night of the wedding, the anniversary of Grace’s death.

  Of course. They’d made love then, and it had been so unexpected, so emotional, so moving, that contraception was the last thing on their minds. They’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms, and he hadn’t left the bed until he’d been woken by Tatty whimpering. And at that point, Beth had only just started taking the Pill again, and it wouldn’t have had time to work.

  Idiot! How could he have been so stupid?

  He stared out over the river, Tatty lying by his side, her head on his lap as he absently fondled her ears.

  How could he make this right? What possible thing could he do to make it better? Nothing, except go back to her and tell her what he now knew, and apologise with all his heart for putting her in this position.

  He heard footsteps behind him on the river path, and he braced himself for a cheerful ‘Good evening!’, but there was nothing, just silence as the footsteps stopped.

  Tatty got to her feet, tail wagging, and he saw shoes appear beside him. Beth’s shoes.

  ‘I found your letter.’

  Letter? Realisation struck, and he closed his eyes.

  His letter to Grace. He’d written it the day of the wedding, on Grace’s anniversary, and he’d put the silver heart on top of the letter on his desk, meaning to show it to Beth if and when the time was right, but the puppies had intervened, and he’d forgotten it in the chaos. Another thing he’d overlooked. Idiot.

  The shoes moved, and she sat down beside him, leaning against him, tucking her hand in his arm, her head on his shoulder.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Ry. I have no idea how I got pregnant—’

  ‘I have,’ he said gruffly. ‘It was the night of the wedding. I didn’t use a condom. I didn’t even think about it. All I could think about was you, how you were feeling, how sad you were, and I just wanted to make it better, to hold you, to love you, to take away the pain. Only I haven’t, I’ve made it ten times worse. A hundred times worse. And I’m so, so sorry—’

  His voice cracked, and he looked away, staring out across the river at the boats swinging lazily at their moorings.

  ‘You said you love me, in the letter. Why didn’t you tell me? I needed to know that, Ryan.’

  That took him by surprise and he turned to stare at her. ‘Of course I love you, but I didn’t think you’d want to know. I didn’t want to put you under pressure.’

  ‘Under pressure?’

  ‘Yes. Pressure to return my love.’

  ‘But I do, you know that. I’d already told you I love you.’

  ‘Only jokingly.’

  She shook her head, her eyes tender. ‘I wasn’t joking, Ry. Of course I love you. I’ve loved you since you kissed me here, by the stile, and I’ve never stopped. All I’ve done is learn to love you more.’

  He studied her face, searching to see if it was true, and he could read it in her eyes, those beautiful eyes that were so very revealing today. Maybe he’d learn how to read them better if he kept on trying. All he needed was a chance...

  * * *

  His eyes were brighter than she’d ever seen them, and he reached out and cupped her cheek in his hand, his fingers trembling slightly.

  ‘I love you,’ he said quietly. ‘I love you so much, more than I have words to say, and if you give me the chance, I’ll tell you every day of our lives together. Marry me, Beth, and let’s be a family. You, me, Grace, Tatty—and the baby, if the fates have finished playing with us.’

  Her heart hitched in her chest and she felt her eyes well. ‘You said Grace.’

  ‘Of course. She’ll always be a part of our family, Beth. She’s our first child. That will never change.’

  His face swam in front of her eyes, and she bit her lips and nodded wordlessly.

  ‘Thank you. For saying that. And yes. Yes, Ry, I’ll marry you, and I’ll try really hard not to be too scared, but if I am, and if it all goes wrong, just—be there for me, please, like you were before? Because I can’t do this without you—’


  His arms came round her, crushing her against his chest. ‘Never. You’ll never be without me, no matter what, so long as I’m alive. I’ll never leave you again, I promise you.’ He let her go, bent his head and kissed her, his lips lingering on hers to seal the promise, and then he straightened up and smiled into her eyes.

  ‘Come on. Tatty’s getting hungry, and I bet the puppies are, too. Let’s go home.’

  Home.

  She smiled back at him and got to her feet, tugging him up.

  ‘That sounds like a wonderful idea,’ she said, and with his arm around her shoulders and the dog at their side, they walked back along the river path, pausing for a moment at the stile to share another tender, lingering kiss where it had all begun.

  He lifted his head and stared down into her eyes, and smiled. ‘I love you,’ he said. ‘Just so you know.’

  She smiled back. ‘I think I do know now. And I love you, too. Don’t ever forget it.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  Then he put his arm around her shoulders again, tucked her in against his side and walked her home...

  EPILOGUE

  ‘HERE?’

  He watched as Beth settled the baby in Reg’s arms and walked over to where he was standing poised with a spade. She frowned thoughtfully at the rose they’d found in a garden centre. It was named Grace, and of course they’d had to have it. Now he was waiting for Beth to say where.

  ‘Right a bit, I think. Reg, what do you think?’

  The old man smiled. ‘It’ll be quite a big rose. Maybe a bit more to the right, and back a bit? That’s it, Ryan. Perfect. That’ll give it room to grow.’

  ‘Like everything else round here,’ Beth said with a smile. ‘Look at how big Muddle’s got, considering how tiny she was to start with. I can’t believe we nearly lost her.’

  Ryan grunted and glared at the pup, now a year old and full of nonsense. ‘Muddle, no! Get out of the hole, I don’t need help digging it!’