When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  "...Oh, Hi!"

  (Her name's ...Amanda?! and she knows this, this fucking clown?! and she's actually speaking to him? but, but I don't understand...

  ....This is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life!)

  "How are you Dale? Yeah, I was on my way up there to see the guys."

  (Raven black hair...)

  "I wanted to ask them a few things, y'know? about the exams, stuff like that."

  (Blue come-to-bed eyes...)

  "I just have..."

  (Ivory skin...)

  "blah, blah!"

  (Halogen smile...)

  "Oh, er, is there anything I could help you with Mandy?"

  (...How did she meet this cretin?)

  "No, I don't think so Dale. You're smart, but you're not that smart! well, unless you can tell me everything you know right here, about thermodynamics, quantum mechanics... Physics, subsets, y'know? stuff like that?"

  (Physics, eh? You gotta do it... Do it!)

  "An object in motion stays in motion unless acted on by an outside force!"

  (...Did, did I just say that out loud?! Oh, what am I, retarded?!)

  "Ha-ha! that's right, go you! the only problem is what I'm studying is a little more advanced than "Newton's First Law."

  (I'll show you my object in motion acting in your outside force, anytime! Baby!.... Fuck me... I shoulda' said that...)

  "Who's your friend here, Dale?"

  "Oh, him? he's not my uh... friend."

  (He's right about that, besides, friends are for the weak anyway...)

  "...So you are?"

  (She asked?! Fuck! Give a fake name?! No, idiot! Give your real one! Play it cool?! No! smooth! Bogart... Shit! better answer her...)

  "Uh. J-Jack?"

  (Smooth as silk you complete and utter fucking moron.)

  "Well "Jack" I'm Amanda. Say, I haven't seen you around before, do you know Dale?"

  (Dale? Who the hell is... Oh, she means Papercut. Yeah, I know him... Fuck him!)

  "No... I, Dale? *ahem* I mean, no... We were talking about his, uh, thing... CLUB!"

  (Yes, let the hot girl know you were invited to join the lamest clique in school outside the mouthbreathers in the computer programming crew. Yes.)

  "Sure Amanda, that's what we were discussing before you arrived! You see, I think Jack here really wants to join us... but if we let him, erm, like he wanted to... he'd just be a part timer, y'know? at least for a little while it's a, uh... very exclusive club, as you probably know! New applicants like him just keep on coming!"

  (YOU LYING LITTLE!!!)

  "... is that so?"

  (Don't listen to him! He's a... Argh!! I'M GOING TO RIP BOTH OF HIS NIPPLES OFF!!!)

  *The school bell distantly rings*

  "We'll talk about it on the way, Amanda, c'mon!"

  (W-Where are you going?! YOU! Get back here!!)

  "...Well, um, ok... Bye Jack."

  (...Wait! Don't go with him!)

  "B, Bye."

  "I..."

  *Dog continues whining*

  Left alone again, either sat behind walls here and now, or under a tree back then... or was I slumped on a bench in the yard? I don't remember... it doesn't matter, in the end, life ended up being nothing more than one big pathetic high school circle jerk anyway, although the eventuality for me was a lot different.

  I am alone, so, I can either choose to sit here at this screen typing and trying to work, yep, working hard to forget it all, trying to block it out all those horrible memories, hell if I'm even lucky enough to block any of them out that is. All I have are old regrets, and all I can do is try to drown them out with other, lesser ones..

  Still, I can do that, sure... hell, I'm used to it by now, but what I can't do is, listen to that thing piss and whine and cry, over and over, as it continues to remind me of every stupid little thing from back then that I'm trying so hard to forget!

  Crying for what, hmm? Why are you crying? ...are you alone? is that even something to cry about?! ...Pathetic, you're pathetic! you'll learn that it's better to be by yourself... why? because other people can't be trusted, that's why... and because of that, who wants to deal with all the ensuing pointless mind games?

  In the world today, few people are genuine, and even less than that are actually sincere, I don't care what anyone says, it's true, and so what if I never did anything for anyone? so what if I never made an effort? if you try to be "nice" sooner or later people will only take advantage of you in life, and also, general attachments only cause more pain and misery in the long run.

  Besides, no one outside my immediate family ever did anything for me, anyway, and even then, if you give people long enough they will eventually use you up and throw you away. Family, friends... it doesn't matter, because you can't trust any of them, and if you believe you can, sooner or later you'll be proven for the fool that you are.

  All interpersonal relationships are based entirely on lies! quid pro quo, it's as simple as that, and nothing you can ever do or say is going to change it. In the end, for one reason or another, they're all scumbags...

  I no longer care about people, and the relationships I don't have, and don't want with them, you try to be funny, you try to be polite, but after a while you just don't care... I don't... not anymore, and I guess I just don't look for my own self-approval in others, probably because I'm not weak like they are. I don't care about what society, or what they as so-called "individuals" think about me either... honestly, I don't particularly care about anything that they all seem to cherish so much... and I never have.

  What helps is when you realise the truth, that people everywhere are the same... dishonest, fake, selfish, two-faced, lying, facetious, ignorant, bigoted, greedy, spiteful, hypocritical, and unpredictable bastards! and to get anywhere in this world, you have to lower yourself to be yet another lying fraud like them... and when you learn that truth, the real truth, then that tends to kill off all these annoying complications... things like "potential relationships" or "human empathy" ...and with it, any yearning or anything resembling "sexual urges". Coming to this great realisation will kill 'em all, dead. Full stop, and so the sooner you realise this great truth, the better.

  Even when I was a little kid I knew to stay out of it all, this greedy and soulless cracking-fucking-facade that you call "society" all empty smiles and weak handshakes. The sad pathetic way all those thought-filtering fools out there choose to call "living" yeah, more like existing, and poorly at that...

  I hate money. I hate society... Too bad you now need the former to get away from the latter, still, I don't want anything from it, and I'm giving absolutely nothing back!

  Back then, at school, I knew the exact same as I know now, there is nothing but misery waiting behind that whole broken social facade, and so I chose to shut myself off from it. Permanently, and besides, what is their to lose? my non-existent sex life that I don't even care about? or all the friends, acquaintances, and social life that I don't have... and that I don't even want?

  In life, I learned that if you hurt someone just enough they leave you alone. Good, use it, but some will ask in all their naivete "why would you want to do such a thing?" simple, because I hate them all, why? well, because in the end you can be as honest as you like with people, but if your opinions looks or actions don't fit in with societies boring, stupid little pigeon hole of falseness, regardless of what it is you're actually trying to do different, people will blindly reject it, and you right along with it...

  For instance, because of society people always judge on surface, never on words or content. This is only because society has taught them this across-the-board, and this is exactly what it has also done to women... Conventionality today has nearly outright forced most women to turn themselves into nothing more than walking sex-objects for the majority of the time, and mere window dressing the rest, where they are now judged solely on their looks and appearances, instead of their inherent qualities and abilities that should be
allowed to shine, but no, instead of that now it's only their sex appeal that matters...

  Society has done this by lying to them practically since birth by telling them it is their "only hope" that they can ever improve their quality of life or social standing, so then what happens? well, like everybody else sooner or later they fall in line, where they are free to be judged by everybody accordingly, like it's their duty... but that's not even the most terrifying aspect of the whole issue, the worst part is that it's gone on for so long, they have simply learned to accept it.

  *Dog barks*

  Although, if you try to tell them any of these things, they will hate you for it, spite you for it, crucify you, or try to beat you down and turn you into yet another one of the many living or dead pariahs because of it, that is if they're not too busy calling you crazy, or running away from either you, or the truth instead... they'll try to warp everything you say just to make themselves feel better, the cowards!

  That is why I hate them all, that is why I detest them, and that is why I wholeheartedly reject them straight back! well, it's one of the reasons anyway... one of many completely valid ones...

  They hate me because I'm different. I hate them because they're all the same.

  So I ask myself, who would willingly want to swim in such a murky river of lies? all so you can eventually be dragged into a black ocean of deceit to drown. So I become the rejected, the scorned, the hated, the despised, still, I'd rather be hated than try and be something that I'm not, like them!

  So maybe one day all these people will learn that hate is a two-way street... that contempt can be more than mutual, as it always has been with me, besides, I figured out a long time ago that I don't have the patience to deal with others, and I flat out refuse to deal with all of their bullshit now, and all of their useless baggage... and so I'm just not going to. I honestly can't abide liars either... and now, that's all there is out there, regardless. So now I want nothing more than to be left alone.

  The world is filled with so much fucking idiocy now anyway, it's no wonder I spend so much time by myself...

  I'm shutting it down, going to sleep, I'll plug my ears. Fuck this world.

  THREE

  This apartment... This bed... All mine!

  Still cold though, is it summer yet?

  I've only been living here for a few months, but already I feel like I've been here my whole life. It's... strange.

  Cynics of antiquity were the type of people who couldn't take all the stupid, and so left everything behind to go live in a cave forever... Hmm.

  I'm sleepy, tired... but I can't sleep. Can your thoughts drive you crazy? because sometimes, I wonder... Still, if you do something for long enough it's going to make you go insane, regardless.

  This is always the worst time for me, though. I'm too lazy to get out of bed, yet I can't shut my mind off, so whatever random thoughts I think of just come streaming in, forcing their way into my brain...

  ...Like Jews.

  Why don't Jews believe in Jesus? Well, that's a poor generalisation, I suppose... or is it a supposition? Oh well, whatever.

  What I should say is "Why can't Jews believe in Jesus". Officially, under Jewish religion and law that is. So... why can't they? as far as I can understand, Messianic Jews are one of the most despised subsects of people in all of mainstream religion.

  Honestly though, I don't even believe in Jesus, or for that matter some "God" I mean, how could I? someone who apparently died for MY sins over two thousand years ago?

  What, you mean all the sins I hadn't even committed yet?

  Still, I suppose that doesn't mean he didn't exist. I don't believe in things like "fate" or "happy emotions" and I certainly don't believe in "love" either... although thinking about it, I guess it doesn't mean that there isn't any in the world, I apparently have to be reminded of that every time I try to simply walk down the goddamned street! Well, actually, the two times this year I left my apartment to walk down the street.

  Watching all those different people, young couples hand-in-hand, together and obviously deeply "in lust". Then you have the happy families, and you see the children wandering around with their parents...

  ...God I hate people.

  Jews, yeah, that's it. I don't get any of it. I'm serious, religion I mean. I read the bible, all of it, and any idiot can see that it's pretty much allegorical anyway, well, at least when it isn't repeatedly contradicting itself that is, but it's when you start taking all of it, every single part literally, then you start to run into problems.

  Still, if I was Jewish, and I went to my parents one day and said, look, Ma, Pa. I respect our faith, and I still want to live as a Jew, by our precepts but hey, y'know? I really think that there may be something to this whole Jesus thing... would that be so bad? I mean, what would happen that would be so awful, that would be so wrong?

  No. Forget it, I know exactly what would happen... It's just that the bible even says Jesus himself was Jewish, because, if we ARE going to be taking it all literally, then let's start with something obvious like his actual skin color. For instance, Jesus's skin tone would have been the same as other people's in the region at that time, which is to say... not actually very white at all, also, there was this one part where he's talking to this woman near a well, and she's all like "Why would you, a Jew, ask me to give you water?" and what did Jews look like back then? ...yeah, and he's even called "Rabbi" by his followers. Well, at least in the parts that they forgot to edit and censor out.

  I suppose on the other hand, that there are some Christians that resent, and even hate the Jews because of what the Sanhedrin apparently did. you know? The council that "supposedly" put Jesus on trial, which led to... well, y'know, that whole crucifixion thing... I don't get it though, see, if you're going by whole story, how can you blame all Jews for Christ's death? If you simply use logic, which I admit that most zealots apparently can't even do, then even a child can see through it. It's simple. Listen, even if it happened EXACTLY as it says in the bible, Jews still didn't kill Jesus Christ, a small group of assholes did.

  ...I'm cold, tired and cold.

  Why can't people think for themselves? Why does everybody have to be part of some, some kind of hive mind? taking all their thoughts and uninformed opinions from stuff like old books, and the plagiarists and liars that rip-off and edit those old books?

  In the end, most people choose to either worship, to hate, or simply choose to ignore what they don't, or can't ever understand, and they do all those things in place of trying to make an effort TO understand. Sad, but it's the way of things... The nature.

  Whatever... time to stop thinking now, I'm hungry...

  ...Sometimes, sometimes, I wonder if there is life on other planets, yeah, not really original, I know, but in all honesty though, of course there isn't! there's barely any intelligent life here on this planet! but... let's pretend for a second that there is life out there, ok?

  Ok! so over in some far-off star system there is sentient life, and y'know what? they're not that different from us. Now, here's the thing... are they religious? if so, why? I mean, do they have several thousand years of annoyingly stupid and pointless religious dogma behind them? did this so-called "God" send a "Messiah" to them too? ...or out of all of them, are we just the "lucky" ones? What about other planets? worlds besides those? do they all have Messiahs? Holy books and Space Jews, Space Muslims and Space Christians too? do they all have some "guy" sitting on a big chair in a even stupider hat, telling half of them what to do, and how to think?

  ...I don't know. I need to stop thinking. I think I hate religion.

  Well, at least they've finally started clamping down on it now anyways... It was all negligible in the end though, it didn't really matter much anymore because money has long since replaced any so-called "god" in this world, and sadly, along with it seemingly went intelligence, knowledge, and any other apparent "virtues."

  Still, thank "God" gay marriage has finally been completely lega
lised! It's about damn time! taken so long... stupid religion.

  Come to think of it, as far as religion goes, I don't believe in some "Satan" either, that's just more make believe bullshit.