When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  You create your own hell. I should know...

  I can't stop my mind. I'm tired, cold, hungry and bored... and I haven't had sex in forever, so I kinda forgot what it's like.

  What is sex?

  Ah well, sex is overrated anyway, besides, I simply don't prize it as highly as others do, all it is is like twenty-five to thirty seconds of furious pleasure, and then you have to get up and clean the sheets... What a hassle, I'd rather jerk off!

  I remember when I was 14, and man, I never used to come out of my room, like ever.... at least now I have clean bed sheets. Well, sometimes...

  ...I think I'll get up now. Yeah, I should probably do that... If only for the sake of the sheets.

  I need to do some shopping this week, anyway...

  FOUR

  Who the hell does he think he is staring at me like that?!

  I don't pay ten extra SDs for home delivery, just so some fucking gopher can give me funny looks at my doorstep! Screw that guy! although, it's been a good few days since I actually looked in the, uh... honestly... I don't even look in the mirror much, anymore... Hang on, mirror?... let's see, bathroom... I... my god... is that me?

  Maybe... maybe I should shave, y'know? cut my... No, actually, just forget it... Seriously, why even bother? who sees me anyway? who cares?

  "...I TOLD YOU TO GO OUTSIDE!!! AND I TOLD YOU NOT TO SHIT ON THE FUCKING CARPET!!!"

  Here we go again, and 3... 2... 1... Kick.

  *Dog yelps loudly in pain*

  ...I hate that bastard, same thing nearly every day now, he gets up, shouts at his dog, usually for shitting on the carpet, I wonder why it might possibly have a nervous disorder or something that would cause it to do that?? then he KICKS it, sending it into a rampant howling pain-frenzy. Hell, sometimes he shouts and kicks it anyway.. why? Well, just for fun, I guess? I already tried calling animal welfare a few times, nothing happened, still, what's a six-foot-four, knuckle-dragging troglodyte, with a IQ in low double digits to do? other than abuse things that are smaller than him, of course.

  Then he gets breakfast, leaves, goes to work, which probably includes some heavy-duty mental tasks like, painting walls, banging on things with a blunt object, and stirring cement for hours and hours on end, and while he's gone it whines until it goes to sleep. Typical dog days, I suppose...

  You know what they say though? people who have to work with their hands only do so because the majority of them are simply too stupid to work with their minds.

  Come to think of it, I'd better do some work now while I have the chance for some peace and quiet...

  ...No change, no change. In the red four, no change.... In the red two, no change. No, aaand..

  *Door slams*

  Nice door slam! nine out of ten! go back to mixing your concrete you fucking moron! and yes... just what I wanted a crying mutt all for the next three to four hours! Great, just great.... I can't listen to this again! it's every single day nearly! it keeps reminding me of the day of the...

  "...Prom! Man, you're goin' right?!"

  *Loud talking, laughter, clanging sounds*

  (Ah, lunchtime! a table alone, back of the cafeteria, away from everybody else... just how I like it!)

  "... Yeah! for sure! I hear Jake's playing!"

  (Do you have to shout so loud, asshole?)

  "You mean, Jake S?"

  (...To your idiot friend, I mean. He's right next to you! I'm three tables away, and yet I can still hear you two drooling idiots...)

  "Naw, you know him, right?! he graduated a couple of years ago! cool guy, quiet, hair's like six different colors or somethin'. He's, uh, you know? son of the guy who teaches Geography and Japanese... The teachers kid!"

  "...Jones?"

  "That's the one! You should hear em' man, they're pretty good! Crimson something or other! so who you going with? Amanda, right? You ask?"

  (What?! Oh god...)

  "Uh..."

  (...Don't panic. Calm down, it could simply be a different Amanda...)

  "You didn't ask?! You pussy!"

  "Fuck you! and yeah... I asked."

  (...Please be a different Amanda.)

  "Missed right at the open goal, huh?"

  (...Phew!)

  "Whatever, man. Like I said, I asked, she's probably like, the hottest girl in school, isn't she? Unless you count Stacy and she is... damn! Still, I dunno dude, Amanda... there's something strange about her, and besides Bert's got his eye on her, an woah! I ain't even goin' there!"

  (Wait a second "Hottest girl in school?" it is her! So that means that... either way she'd be going, right?!)

  "....Man, you are such a fuckin' beta!"

  (Dammit! she's too attractive not to have like a thousand guys trying to ask her out, isn't she? just my luck! ...Fuck!)

  "I asked, alright! and she said no, what do you want from me? blood?! said she was waiting for someone special she knows to ask her... that 'ho!"

  (Special? ...there was one time last week she looked at me before woodworking briefly... well, sort of. Maybe she...)

  "...Beta!"

  "Fuck you Danny!"

  (...I need to find Amanda. Now!)

  *People shouting, laughing, lockers closing*

  "...Yeah! but he was like sooo fat!"

  (Fuck this hallway, these people, these phonies... GET OUT OF MY WAY! What do I do?!! WHAT DO I DO?!?!)

  FIVE

  Well, typical... I can't find Amanda anywhere... and I looked everywhere. I gave up after a while 'cos I got hungry and came back to the cafeteria, at least it's quieter here now, far less obnoxiously loud morons.

  Oh, who am I kidding! what was I going to do anyway? even if I'd found her what could I do? ask her to the dance?! Pft! and on top of that I've only spoken to her once... Now I only have about fifteen minutes left before class starts.

  That's enough time for some hardcore bitching, I suppose. You know what I hate about this school? well, besides the fact I can see through it all...

  I hate the future steroid-abusing, junk-shrinking, chest-beating, pituitary-enlarged, trying-way-too-hard-to-be-overtly-macho, so-called "tough guys" half of them still trapped in the closet because they're too stupid to find the doorknob... it's right there, just reach around! also, make sure you pull hard enough before you come out... ironically enough, it's their fruitless attempts at any "hard man" talk and blatant homophobia that makes them sound like latent homosexuals, nothing but a gang of lame wannabes that are all mouth and no content, nothing more than worthless bullies with daddy issues, any "females" like that certainly are included.

  The type of people that are always actively trying to be the loudest in the room, and yet, still stupid enough to believe that noise equals strength, always starting fights with others to try and prove how much of a "man" they are... a bunch of overgrown petulant children, little boys. Hey, y'know, there's a real difference between thinking you're a tough guy, acting like a tough guy and actually being a tough guy! Here's a vague hint to all you slow idiots, REAL strength comes from those who don't even need to open their mouths.

  Interesting fact: when they do cry, they tend to cry the hardest... when they're alone that is. They're always overcompensating, usually for some childhood trauma, or petty inadequacies, still, that much is obvious, everybody knows that by now, right? besides, they can all be read like a book anyway, and they themselves could too, if they were actually smart enough to read one that is...

  Still, I can help them with the basics, so here's one for free. The louder you have to shout in social situations, the less important the things you have to say actually are! Believe it or not picking on these guys is too easy ..maybe even cruel, because, apart from the fact that they're stupid, and therefore, will always be their own undoing in life, that alone means I don't even need to bother... and besides, who actually remembers the "high school tough guy?" Yep, you see? and seriously, where will they be ten years from now? ...Exactly!

  I hate all the sheltered rich kids, what with their un
warranted airs of superiority and phony entourages always following them around like a bad smell. Half of them think that they're "royalty" and they have some kind of "divine right" to rule over us... so it's true, inbreeding does make you stupid. So used to acting all "prim and proper" ...but only until they get behind closed doors, and then once again they start acting like the degenerates they truly are.

  They secretly hate themselves anyway, and so they should, all of them are nothing more than the collective results of reflected glory and multiple generations of theft, nepotism, and lies. Still showing everyone that it's not what you know, but who, and that crime does indeed pay, and that in a way, the world is kinda like bathwater where the scum always rises to the top. Nothing but leeches on the fat-ass of society, living, breathing, proof that wealth will never be able to buy class.

  They're constantly preoccupied with talking about boring shit like money, and some pointless hypothetical class structures. Why are you even here "slumming it" with us? and they always seem to be infatuated with whatever arbitrary, insignificant pieces of cloth and cotton that are apparently "in this season" that they seem to so desperately need, to try and redefine their fraudulent status, and counterfeit lives. As if such a mythical thing exists that could even increase the already meagre value of themselves.

  I laugh to myself as I watch them parade around their useless shiny trinkets and totems, to all the other easily impressed gawking simpletons, and the rest of their idiotic, sycophantic peers. I also find it just as funny that amongst all the good-for-nothing jewels, cars, and other worthless baubles they own, and truly seem to value so much, they never seem to prize themselves quite as highly. The type of people that are so incredibly rich, and yet funnily enough still so stingy and lacking in self respect, that they would gladly suck a lost penny out of a hobo's ass crack in a split second.

  I hate the happy funny guys! they're all the same, snarky unfunny try-hards who are actually little more than just sad clowns, emphasis on the clowns... and the sad. They're always trying way too hard cracking "jokes" usually to break up the tension of any serious situations they might find themselves in, with their forced "levity" because in reality, they're too weak, emotionally stunted, and inept to deal with any actual and tangible "big boy" thoughts and emotions that they have... Typical cowardly pricks.

  I hate the nerds, yeah... so you're probably smarter than the rest of us combined, so what? Now if you just had the balls to use that, then you could... oh, wait, what's that? you mean you don't actually have the balls to DO anything with your massively over-sized intellects? ...what a shame, that's right! of course you don't! what the hell was I thinking?! oh, but don't worry, in a few years you'll be better paid, and hey, if you play your cards right, better laid than pretty much everyone else in here! and all because people are so horrendously fake and shallow... Although, there's just one teeny-tiny little problem, see, you'll spend the rest of your life looking back at school, while still completely miserable and angrily regretting it all. Oh, and wondering if your grand contrived schemes of revenge may ever actually pan out that is...

  I hate the people, usually girls who after doing, saying, or hearing practically anything, will then turn around directly afterwards and either contradict it or themselves, probably out of sarcasm or something... or maybe just because it seems "edgy" "cute" or "interesting" or whatever the shit! Well you're not! and your indecisiveness comes off as insincerity, and one day you'll look around and wonder why you're all alone.

  I hate all the people who are too weak and listless to be left alone, always sticking themselves in, and then permanently becoming "stuck" in other people's business, always inevitably and ceaselessly babbling on and on, about someone or others tedious and pointless "relationships" always concerned with, and carrying on about who's "interested" in who. How boring, you'll usually find them endlessly obsessing over, or constantly trying to be in one failed relationship after another, and always having some pathetic existential crisis because of it... Then they spend all their free time clinging to others like dirt, always needing to be included in everything simply because their too spinelessly pathetic and inconsequential to exist all by themselves. Aww, boo-hoo! There is only the self, and in the end you're always...

  "Umm."

  Speaking of girls. I hate all the vacuous sluts here, you know? the ones that are always on sale to anybody bidding, and always reserved for the highest "bid," their legs parting like the red-fucking-sea as fast as any wallet in the area can open, usually at the drop of a hat, I might add. Funnily enough, a lot of the time it does tend to cause an actual "bidding war" of sorts between grunting knuckle-draggers and various other morons.

  ...By the way, good luck if you're ever actually planning on marrying one of these "ladies" just wait and see how well that turns out... Man, I'm lucky I'm not stupid enough to place a "bid" ...Whew! Thank God! ...I dodged that bullet! well, in all honestly it really is more of a "gamble" when you think about it. I never liked to gamble, it's a fools game.

  "...Hello?"

  I hate the shallow conceited "popular" walking egos... yeah, because if something is "popular" then that means it must be good, right? I wonder, does the shit that's covered in flies really feel popular? always thinking that they are "better" than everyone else, tell me, how can you possibly be better than anyone else when all you are is trash? Always judging everyone and everything solely on looks and appearances, and that's only because they're as fake and as plastic as their inevitable future implants. Attention whores and posers, all of them!

  Never able to walk past any reflective surface, without first stopping to check for that inevitable empty visage, along with the rest of that unavoidable warped and hollow shell of an image that will always be there, just waiting to stare right back. Forever thinking that they are the stars-on-set of their own self-absorbed, shitty little movies, and always, always hating the other so-called "stars". Oh, and god help you if you accidentally make eye contact with one of these pretentious fucking creeps and look straight into their cold, dead eyes...

  Maybe one day they'll get to fulfill their lifelong dreams of being washed-up, has-been celebrities. Who knows? well, here's hoping...

  These creatures still haven't figured out that as "attractive" as they like to think they are on the outside, and desperately keep trying to be, in turn, they'll just grow in equal measure to be about as hideous and repulsive on the inside! and being so rotten and ugly in there, is far, far worse than obsessing about being overweight, having blemished skin, having an imperfect nose, or whatever else that's far too vapid and pointless to care about.

  ...Do the entire world a favour and just kill yourselves already!

  However, once again, I absolutely love and adore the fact that since most of them are always too busy preening themselves, and because of that they're about as deep as a child's paddling pool and only half as smart... and due to that, they still haven't figured any of this out! and I can grin sunbeams straight through the entire week, just thinking of the day, that one single moment when they finally do! Now that truly IS beautiful!

  "... Hello-there!"

  I also hate all the boorish "me too!" trend-obsessed losers. Can't ever have a single opinion of their own, unless someone else has it first, the kind of people who are always far too cowardly to be themselves, and so in turn, hate others that are not. Insignificant little followers... all of you, and they only follow so much because they're so remarkably fucking stupid.

  I'm in here watching a few of these crawlers right now, they're sitting down, trying to act all "relevant" and "trendy" in their briefly "fashionable" tacky clothes, all of them talking about being famous, making annoyingly-exaggerated squealing noises, taking "selfies" and fake laughing to each other, well, either that, or doing something else completely disingenuous and phony that most of them learned from crap, glad-handing, fraudster's handbooks, like "How to Make Friends and Influence People" and all to try and make up for their somewhat disguised, but s
till blatantly obvious low self-esteem. Or they're busy nose-deep, reading pandering, hack job, trash-garbage, like that shitty-awful "Starlight" drivel... or the even more dreadful and completely fucking soulless "Sixty Shades of Brown".