When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  I have observed the human animal for many years, and I have come to the conclusion that it is down to the simple fact that they are all habitual liars, and that is the reason why the world is so entirely fucked-up. Concurrently, the reason I try to tell the truth is why I am fucked... There ain't no life nowhere!

  I mean, god forbid anyone having strong opinions on anything anymore...

  For instance, for a society that seems to brutally hate and abhor any so-called "whiners" they all certainly seem to love doing more than their fair share of it themselves! A brief example, either listen to yourselves for a little while, you awful people you, or just watch any of the grossly overpaid, perma-lying "talking head" hypocrites, on any bullshit-artist mainstream media news channel for more than about five minutes.

  The same thing goes for anything that remotely seen as "sensitive" and so therefore earns the complete whinging disdain and ire of the absolutist and borderline retarded masses, that in response, will typically deem it as "weak" and from then on, it's simply labeled as a "weakness" by the simple-minded. Hey! look! I can do it too!

  You see to me, you're all just a weakness, a blight, an affliction... you are all nothing more than a form of late-stage cancer, that is rapidly spreading with no real cure. Why? well, because, I don't really consider the mindless, thoughtless, conformity of the collectively ignorant assimilated-masses a particular strength now, do you?

  Oh... and did you know that a cow is the only animal you can get a drink, something to eat, and not to mention a sweet leather jacket and pants from as well?

  I mean, not that I'd ever think about drinking milk, eating meat, or wearing any kind of leather at all... Blegh!

  Still, I like cows...

  EIGHT

  I remember this one time back at school when we were all in class, we were having a "round table discussion" you know? except, well, there was no actual "round table" involved, large or otherwise. So instead, everybody was just sorta' gathered around a bunch of smaller rectangular ones... but yeah, that's besides the point!

  Anyway, there was this one fat obnoxious bitch in the group that everybody hated, and so she just happened, to be sitting directly opposite me... yeah, obviously, right? So as usual, while running her mouth she was messing about with her chair, y'know? couldn't sit still, rocking it back and forth, balancing it on two legs and just generally screwing around, that sort of thing.

  Why? I don't know... probably because she could never seem to just sit down, stay still, and just keep her fat-fucking mouth shut!

  Anyways, I'm just zoning out as usual, trying to endure the heffer and paying little to no attention to anything going on around me. I already knew every single thing that was being discussed, anyway, just some idiot level sociology or whatever... So I'm thinking to myself, right? and all of a sudden I hear this almighty "CRASH!!! BANG!!!" noise... heh. So what happened? well, as it turns out, the moon had finally fallen out of its orbit, and had a full-force collision straight into the fucking earth!

  ...So, I'm looking at her laying there, right? flat, spread eagle on the floor with her fat legs open, showing everyone in the room what true horror really is, and all the time while she's crying and hollering away, I'm totally laughing my fuckin' ass off! well, on the inside anyway... my expression never actually changes, y'see, I only have the one, and it's one of permanent disappointment and contempt for all of humanity.

  Still, anyhoo... Ah, but wait! that wasn't even the funniest thing about the whole situation! See, when the moment her fat-ass hit the floor, and as the ground shook like the largest tree in the forest goin' down. I watched the way all the other cretins reacted to her falling, as they fussed and hurried around her while typically feigning any real concern regarding the mega-blimp's completely botched and pathetic failure of a landing... and the more I watched them, the more it made me sick! all the while they were obviously faking any compassion, so... I just kept staring ahead, ignoring, and acting like nothing was happening... I was just thinking about how high the collision must of measured on the fucking Richter scale! I'd give it about a 4.1 probably...

  Anyway, after a while, and when they finally hoisted the whale up and put it back on the boat, people started glaring directly at me! at ME! You know?! giving me the stink-eye! and I'm feeling like "well, what the hell is all this?! what the fuck did I do?!" I'm the only genuine one in the entire fucking room! Typical passive-aggressive, fake, lying, cunts, all of them!

  God I hate this planet... IF I was actually stupid enough to believe in god or religion, and if praying would, or could, actually do something useful, I'd be at church right now, praying for an asteroid to cause another mass-extinction event! or I'd pray for some kind of enormous, devastating, world spreading outbreak of flesh-eating bacterial plague! or a gigantic humongous calamity, the kind that ends all life as we know it! or, or another massive war! ...or some-fucking-thing to thin the herd! ANYTHING!!

  How the fuck is anybody possibly supposed to stay sane in this world?!

  NINE

  *Dog continuously cries and yelps*

  Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!!!

  I-I can't take it anymore! of all the things I don't want to be forced to remember it's that day! I've been shutting it out so far, pushing it away! I, I can't... I don't want to! Bad, bad memory...

  Can't...

  "Hey Amanda! You look beautiful!"

  No! Stop this!

  "Thanks, Dale! You're not looking too bad yourself!"

  ...Enough!

  "Let's go! Look outside! I got us a limo!"

  ...I don't care about any of this!

  "But, why Dale? It's only a mile or so down the road from my house?"

  God help me...

  "Nothing but the best for my prom date!"

  "... I give up! I, I can't shut it out any longer!"

  "Let's go!"

  ... I didn't go to the prom, besides, who was I going to go with, myself? No, instead I decided to.... "live vicariously" through Amanda and Papercut as they went instead, you know?...... Ok, fine! so I was stalking them... so what? nobodies perfect.

  So, anyway, when it started to get dark, I rode my bike over to her place, and then I hid outside Amanda's house, where, dressed incognito in my jeans, my woodsman's hat, and dark blue t-shirt. I could spy through the ground floor window at the side of the house, as she met with Papercut... who was dressed in his stupid tux, and carrying a stupid corsage, as he pulled up in his stupid black-stretched limousine!

  ...She was all dressed in white, wearing lots of bracelets and her favourite necklace, so elegant, she looked like an angel... My plan was to follow, but first, I would try to keep listening in, as they walked towards the car...

  "I can't believe it Mandy! it's the big one! the prom! So we're finally graduating, huh? how crazy is that?!"

  "I know Dale... Wow. It's going to be so strange leaving everyone behind and going to college!"

  "Where are you going Amanda? do you know yet?"

  "No, not yet. Dad and I are still erm, deciding where I should go..."

  "Yeah, uh, where is your dad? I didn't see him. Is he inside the house?"

  "Oh, no, he's... out, again."

  *Dale opens the limousine door*

  "...Let me!"

  "Why, thank you Dale!"

  I rode as fast as I could to keep up with the limo, and yet, still trying to be completely unseen, and so, like some kind of ninja spy! on, a, erm... old green mountain bike... I took my chance to take a shortcut across the nearby football field to school, but first, and to even stand a chance of keeping up with them. I had to pass close by to the limousine unnoticed. I wanted to kill him so badly! ....aaannd you know what?! ...I did!

  ...Ok, so here's how it went down. I waited for my chance... and after a couple of seconds it came, and so I took it! I rode up real close to the driver's side door, very fast mind you, then, using the compact sub-machine gun I had managed to holster and conceal in my pants, I tapped on the blacked out window with
its gun barrel. The driver must have IMMEDIATELY got the message, and so he sharply pulled over. Now, before doing anything, I parked my bike in front of the car, only stopping to briefly sit there and smoke a cigarette like a complete badass, all the time while glaring exactly like James Dean in "Rebel Without a Cause" at the now terrified driver through the windshield!

  Getting off my bike, I motioned to him to get out of the limo as I flicked the cigarette away and blew out smoke into the cold night air. Then, after telling him to "Get the fuck out of here!" and "Keep his damn mouth shut about this!" he must have very clearly got the message about the whole magnitude of the situation, and also that I was obviously one bad mother-lover! so he started nodding frantically at me, before trying to run away across the field, arms flailing, all the while screaming like an hysterical woman... Bad idea! so upon hearing and seeing that completely pathetic display of masculinity. I decided to give him something to REALLY scream about!

  ...As I quickly pressed the hair-trigger down on the black steel murder-machine that was in my hand, it sent a short, brief, and loud burst of automatic fire right towards his general direction, and a split-second seemed to pass before the spraying red-mist showed that it hit him square in the back of one, or even both of his kneecaps! ...Yeah, after that I'd be lying on the grass crying in excruciating pain too! especially if I had been kneecapped by hand-held death and destruction! A gun that can easily spit-bullets at over a thousand rounds per minute!

  So, after saying "Hasta la vista, baby!" just before I finished him off, with about ten more shots to the head! I began to walk slowly, like John-Motherfucking-Wayne, right towards the rear doors of the limo! my strutting along, soon turned into eagerly skipping gaily ...albeit briefly, and then straight back into butch marching, all the time I was holdin' my gat to the side ready to blast, straight-up gangsta style! I was fo' shizzle a menace, ready to shoot the five an' bust a hunred caps in this fool's ass! an' that shit's fo' real my ninjas!

  Getting closer, I heard something muffled while I was creeping towards the door, it was constant, but I was still ready to throw down anytime like a true balla' O.G! Now I was right outside the limo door, and suddenly, I started to hear it clearly for the first time, and I kept hearing it, it sounded like pathetic whimpering... this extremely annoying femmy-whiny-crying type sound that was coming from inside the limousine.

  So, I opened the door fast! and to my great amusement! it was actually Papercut making all the noise! The tears of both a pathetic failure of a man, and a impotent little loser were streaming down his face! right behind his pair of perfectly round steel-framed glasses. Oh yeah! and Amanda was just sitting there, smiling happily, she was like "Hey you," when she saw me... but I didn't say anything 'cause, y'know? I'm far too cool n' shit!

  Anyway, as I pointed my strap straight at his crotch, he then started with more annoying noise "Noooooo! DON'T HURT ME!!! " the little dick-prick screamed at the top of his annoying voice, as he got down onto his knees in the back of the limo! begging and pleading over and over again, like a wuss with a sore vagina, he continued "I know I'm a pathetic stupid nerd, and a woman-stealer with a really lame-ass haircut, stupid glasses, and a serious height deficiency... also, I obviously smell like shit, but that's only because I have a very small penis that reeks like rank Blue Stilton ...seriously, look it up, it's a medical condition, or something, but anyway... No, please! I beg you!! DON'T KILL ME!!!"

  I shook my head after briefly laughing in his face, however I did feel a single fleeting moment of pity. Although, it only lasted a second before it passed, as I once again remembered that I totally hated his guts! so I pointed the gun upwards at his head coldly... the last tear he ever cried fell down his cheek as I stated "No deal!" in a monotone pseudo-Austrian accent just before I blew him to hell! ....and so I stood there for about forty-five minutes, pumping round after round of automatic hot-leaded murder into various regions of his face and body, and by the time I was finished with the formerly white, and clean interior, the whole inside of the damn limo was covered in blood, gore, gibs and brain matter! ...Amanda too, wet chunks of bloody viscosity dripping down her face and covering the whole front of her dress!

  Anyway, so, uh... then Amanda got out, right?! and she was all like "Wow! Jack! you were so amazingly awesome! and you're so hot and tough as well! mmm..." Then she grabbed me by the hand and said "Let's go back to my place tonight! you made me so wet! DAMN it's like Niagara Falls down there! We'll just forget all about that stupid fucking prom! that'll be filled with nothing but stupid fucking losers and fake fucking cunt assholes anyway! Let's go have sex!"

  ... and so we did! I was laying pipe, many, many, many, times that night! Amanda was mine, and We Are The Champions played in the background as we had rampant filthy sex on top of the limo! all while she was still covered head-to-toe in the little prick's blood and brain matter! ...and so I got away with it... It was the perfect crime!

  The End,

  .....Ok, fine, whatever, so, uh, no... Sadly none of that actually happened... I didn't shoot Papercut in the face multiple times from a point-blank range, and then repeatedly begin to desecrate the corpse's entire body and groin area, over and over again by riddling it with bullet-holes. Nor did I steal Amanda, even though I wanted to... I would have though.. If I had a gun!

  Still, so what if it didn't happen? I thought about it hard enough and made it real, so in a way, it did, besides, even the things you "think" are real can betray you, and the line between dreams and reality is tenuous at best... Everything is a dream... for instance, what if the roles between me and Papercut were actually reversed? what would he have been thinking about doing?

  So, anyway, delusions aside... after they got closer, and after I was completely and utterly knackered from all the pedalling across that stupid bastard field... all the time while constantly trying to keep the limo in sight, and yet, still having to stay far enough in front, and far enough away from it so that I wouldn't be seen, and doing all that shit at the same goddamned time!

  Anyway, I finally arrived at school exhausted... but thankfully.. before they did, and so, I waited until nobody was watching, and then as quick as I could, I hid my bike in the large group of bushes in the garden area, just at the front of school, there I stood, once again, looking around, and after realising that I was the only one here not in any kind of formal wear, and that because of it, I obviously stuck out like a sore-fucking-thumb! So I spent a little while looking around once again, and then when it was all clear, I leapt into the bushes! hiding myself there right next to my bike, well, right on top of it, really, and all tangled up...

  Amanda and Papercut arrived shortly after that. Their stupid, pointless, limousine was pulling up outside the school with the others. Yeah, y'know? ...next to all the other sports cars, and all the other stupid fucking limousines out there. Ha! take that you Papercutting-bastard!

  Anyway, as I watched him get out ...and after he did that stupid thing with the doors again! I continued to watch and wait like a ninja! ...A ninja with handle bars and other bike parts that kept sticking into his ninja back... and all the fucking stupid spokes and lights that keep tugging on his favourite shirt...

  They both stood around outside for a while, talking to the other stupid-fucking-asshole couples, and after a few minutes of this nonsense... I realised that I was in a great deal of pain, at first, I thought it was because I was watching all that superficial crap happen, but nope, every time I moved at all, ...PAIN! so as I carefully felt around the bush a bit... I started to notice that the stupid-fucking-gears had become stuck and twisted around my stupid-fucking-jeans, which in turn, whenever I moved were painfully being yanked, ever further into the deep personal regions of my ballsack, crack, and taint.

  Also, to add insult to injury, I realised that by painfully struggling and in turn DESPERATELY pulling on them, in an even more vain effort to try and "fix myself" I noticed that now my jeans were completely caught up! and I couldn't move properly or actually go
anywhere! even if I wanted to... at least not without either completely removing "the pants" or just accepting that I would have to become some kind of part-bike, part-man hybrid...

  ...So I waited there, in agonising pain and discomfort watching people I hate, give each other false smiles, false modesty, and false congratulations, over and over again, as I waited in that bush for over twenty painful minutes. I hate the fucking prom!

  TEN

  *Firework sounds*

  "Hey Amanda!"

  "Hi Sarah!"