When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

"Wow! you look gorgeous!"

  "You too!"

  "I'll see you inside, right Amanda?!"

  "You sure will! Ha-ha! ...I'll see you there!"

  "... Bye!"

  "Bye!"

  "Who was that Mandy?"

  "Sarah... complete bitch! I totally hate her! did you see how she's trying to upstage me with that dress! ...even my hair!"

  "Wha? I... uh..."

  "Nevermind, Dale.... let's go."

  "W, Wait just a minute! I'll meet you inside, I have something uh, important that I need to take care of..."

  "Dale?! are you kidding! I'm not going inside alone!"

  "I, uh, I'll only be a second. Why don't you check out the funfair, or the fireworks show on the other side of the grounds?"

  *Amanda sighs*

  "Look, I'm not leaving school grounds Amanda! Why would I?"

  "Well, ok Dale, but you'd better be quick with whatever it is."

  "Sure! ...I'll see you soon!"

  ...Now, like my clothing I was torn. The crowds at the front of the school were dispersing, now, should I follow Amanda to the fair? or do I follow Papercut to wherever he's curiously going, and exact my plan of sweet-bloody revenge! ...uh, that I hadn't actually come up with yet...

  Either way, I wasn't going anywhere until I'd at least fixed the pants situation...

  (...I can't see what they're FUCKING caught up on! It's too dark!)

  I could be stuck here for hours... There was only one thing for it. I had to try and remove the pants!

  "Fuckercocksuckingmotherfuckingbastardjeansifuckinghatethesesonofabitchfuckingjeans!!!"

  ".....GODDAMN IT!!!"

  Luckily, there was no one really around to hear the swearing bush, well, besides a couple of stoners that I could actually smell from several yards away, but they didn't really seem to care that much, and besides, being stoners means that they probably hear bushes swear all the time anyway...

  *Tearing sound*

  "Finally! Thank Go... I mean, thanks to a probably illusionary, non-specific, secular, but quasi-religious and unknown imaginary deity. Thank you PINSQUID."

  I had finally removed the pants! I was out of the bush! ...but now I was completely screwed, because unfortunately they were still stuck to something, and it was far too dark to even see what they were caught up on, I tried several times in vain to unsuccessfully remove them from my bike...

  The last time I tried pulling on them, all I got in return for my trouble was a kind of horrible tearing sound, and to add insult to injury, now it felt like I had pretty much tore them in half... So at this point I was well and truly... well, as I already said, I was completely screwed... Now I was wearing nothing but my white briefs, my woodsman's hat, and my favourite dark blue t-shirt, hardly the attire for either an elite ninja or a professional stalker. I had entered firmly into standard flasher-wear territory... My only hope now was that I could somehow acquire some more pants on my journey forward...

  Getting out of the bush, and as I pulled my shirt down as far as it could go, I realised I certainly couldn't follow Amanda dressed... well, actually "not dressed" this way... There were far, far too many people over there! and 'cause of that, I would almost certainly be caught, ridiculed and beaten in an instant! So instead, I decided to follow Papercut, who went somewhere in the opposite direction towards the much quieter western toilet-block... As I looked over there, thankfully, there seemed to be nothing much going on. It was dark and quiet, and that's just how I wanted it, as all the action seemed to be centred in the other direction... Easy, I thought to myself. All I had to do, was successfully creep past the two stoners over there, who were sitting down like some kind of brain-damaged guard dogs on the school steps, as I crept ever closer... sticking to the shadows I heard them both talking about... Something?

  "...Yeah, bro! I got like forty one and oh kdr in that game alone!"

  "Dude! what? on the level?! No freakin' way! complete bs! pass it!"

  "No bro! seriously! The whole game I was like spawn campin' off the map n' shit! 'cos there was this new place that I glitched to! and I swear to god it was like RIGHT under the fuckin' map! So I was constantly head-shotting, and spawn killing all those mofos!"

  "Ha ha ha! Dude, are you for real?!"

  "Yeah, bro! pass it! That was like the funniest part, right?! 'cos I'm killin' 'em all over and over again! and there all like "Where the fuck is this dude, bro?!" and I'm like laughin' my fuckin' ass off right into the mic, right?! Then there was this one point where I throw like my last grenade n' shit and I SWEAR I multi-killed like six freakin' guys! The whole damn team! It was awesome!"

  (...Phew, finally got past them. Stoned. Videogamer. Fucktards.)

  Now, I just had to find Papercut, knowing that if ANYONE so much as saw me like this and knew it was me... I'd probably have to emigrate!

  So I stuck firmly to the shadows, and moved around the school building, carefully keeping my eyes peeled for any signs of that woman-stealing bastard!

  After a few minutes of looking, though.... I found him.

  "Wh, what do you mean twenty?! you said like ten-each before!"

  "Listen kid..."

  "My name's not "kid" It's Dale!"

  "... Listen kid, this here is pure Mandy. Now I don't know who yer' been talkin to, but it's twenty each!"

  "Fine, twenty it is..."

  "How many?"

  "Two."

  "...Here ya' go. Enjoy yourself wontcha?!"

  "Yeah, yeah..."

  I couldn't hear properly, but he was buying... something, something suspect, but that wasn't the problem, no, not at all, the problem in fact was that... HE WAS COMING RIGHT TOWARDS ME!!! and with that, towards the only part of the entire area where there were any decent shadows at all! and I was already in them!

  "...Psst! Dale! Over 'ere!"

  Suddenly, we both heard the badly whispered shouting coming from the opposite direction, from behind the shady one, thankfully, it stopped him right in his tracks, and in the end, he came only a few feet away from me and my precious shadows of hiding!

  I remember that first he looked scarily... indecisive for a moment, however, curiosity must have gotten the better of him, as he instead turned around to look at the toilet block, and the origin of the disembodied whisper, and decided to go that way instead...

  (That was too close!)

  After that, I didn't really want to follow him anymore, but it was either that, or running home relatively ass-naked from the waist down, and so I decided after a few moments that I would follow. Why? ...why even chance it? Well, you see, next to the toilets on that side of the school lay the gymnasium. So for the first time tonight, and for a brief second a light bulb dimly switched itself on in my head. A gymnasium means there must be leftover clothes there! Pants! Shorts! after all, it is a gymnasium isn't it? and so, I thought I might be able to procure a spare pair of well... anything! among all the left over gym clothing, and left behind uniforms!

  Hell, I'd probably even take a skirt at this point... What?... If somebody saw me, I'd just say that I'm Scottish or something... from out of town, and, uh, most likely completely color blind...

  First, I had to get past Papercut's strange little "friend" who was still standing with his back to the toilets in a nearly completely open area, just then, I remembered that due to a lack of any elite military training, and general all around clumsiness, stealth had never really been my forte, and so, like a loon, I decided to simply sprint past... in the hope that whatever that the guy was selling he was also taking some as well! Casually dismissing the sprinting half-naked seventeen year old he saw for a mere hallucination.

  ...After I'd past him, I think I heard him still laughing over on the other side of the toilet block, but thankfully, he didn't seem like he wanted to pursue. Good, or I'd have been in some serious trouble!

  I looked around and stopped caring about where Papercut had gone for a second, when I realised I was indeed close to the gym.

  (Gym? *
deep breath* I may be able to make it through this! Ok... If I were a a pair of pants, or something, then where would I hide? ...Over here?!)

  I continued to look around probably a little too "optimistically" for either some pants just lying around, or for a way inside... Aha! I saw a door, but I obviously assumed that the door would be locked, so I spotted an open window to the toilet block above me...

  Through there, the toilets led further along to the showers, and in turn the gym, I thought to myself that if I pulled myself up, I could finally make my way there, although it was too high to see through, but with a little effort... I think I could pull myself up, get through it and...

  (...What's that?! Oh shit! I hear voices! but coming from inside!)

  "What do you mean twenty each?! Dale! are yer' tryin' to fuck me over?!"

  "N-No! I would never!"

  "Well, I have no choice then, do I? Give me all your cash... and Mandy!"

  While this was going on, I was frantically jumping up and down outside the window, at least trying to catch a glimpse of Papercut, and the guy who was now apparently in there, talking to him.

  Then in the middle of one of my many jumps, I started wondering to myself...

  (How does he know Amanda?)

  I heard Papercuts voice again...

  "No! I'm not going to give you... *oof!*"

  ...Very briefly followed by a loud crunching sound, then a heavy smack as someone, or something hit the ground, and what sounded like a slight whimpering noise shortly afterwards.

  "Did ya see what happened?! Do you see why you should of done as I told ya?! ...Here! I'll take everythin' then!"

  "NOOO!!! ... STOP!!!"

  "Stop.. *FUCKING* *CRYING*..."

  ... I heard two more crunching smacks. Horrible...

  "You see what you get when yer' resist?! look what ya made me do to that nice tux o' yours! You pathetic little idiot! Now look at it! It's all covered in blood! ...You'd better take it off, then!"

  "... NOOOO!!!"

  *Sounds of ripping and tearing go along with shrieking and crying*

  "... and out the fuckin' window it all goes! I'll see you later "D!"

  *A pair of glasses with one of the lenses cracked, and various articles of bloodstained clothing land at Jack's feet*

  ..The pants I'd been looking for had finally found me... I didn't want them any longer...

  *Wailing, squealing animal sounding cries*

  ...Horrible.

  Dale stayed there on the bathroom floor for nearly ten minutes. I counted, and he was screeching for every-single-second of them, he cried and wailed the entire time he was there. Horrible. Just horrible...

  Eventually I heard Dale get up, still crying. I watched and waited from behind the area of the toilet block, but still far enough away from all his clothes just in case, after a while he came outside from the gym... I saw him from far off as he slowly walked and stumbled towards the front of the school in his underwear, still crying and covered in blood, as a crowd that didn't include Amanda gathered around, finally he simply got into his waiting limo and left.

  ...I walked back to the window around the other side, as I saw Dale's torn and bloodied clothing. Luckily, the pants weren't messed up too bad. So, I put them on.. they were a little short, and they seem to ride up my legs far too much, so I pulled my socks up a little.

  Back in front of the school, I totally avoided the crowd, due to the fact that I probably looked like a trainspotter or something. I looked for Amanda though, carefully, and from far off. I didn't want to chance her seeing me here, and to ever think that I had anything to do with what just... Well, you know... and if she ever heard about it from anyone...

  After a while of searching briefly, I saw her at the far end of the fairground. She was being kinda hassled by this oafish looking guy with a mono-brow, it seemed like nothing serious, so I didn't really do anything. Sometimes, years later, I wonder to myself if that was the guy who... did what he did to Dale because, from the voice I heard, he looked EXACTLY like I'd imagine him to...

  Anyway, I went back and pulled my bike out of the bushes, and finally manged to get my now ripped, and busted-ass jeans out of the gears before I tossed them away, and then I left, riding away on my dirt and leaf covered bicycle, and occasionally staring at the fresh blood stains on my new pants as I rode home.

  ELEVEN

  I haven't heard the dog bark in a while.

  Come to think of it, I haven't heard much noise downstairs at all, well apart from the low-muffled evening drone of the stupid sports games on that idiot's TV, along with some snoring, the toilet flushing, and usual morning door slam. No shouting from down there, though, or anything relating to the dog, which come to think of it is fairly strange... maybe he got rid of it? Hmm, I can't complain though, there's nothing I love more than some peace and quiet!

  Lately, however, I've noticed that I do tend to find myself losing track of time more and more, actually, most days I don't even know what day it is, and I don't particularly care to be honest... I can understand how strange that would be for most people, but for me? well, it comes with the territory when you lead such an atypical life as mine. I don't even know how to describe myself, a loner? a recluse? ...does it matter? does everything have to be neatly categorised? ...Maybe.

  I have been thinking today, that I must have a very high tolerance for boredom to live like this. I spend so much of my time sleeping, reading, drinking, masturbating... I read too much, but very little else gives me pleasure anyway, still, I can't remember the last time I did something relatively normal like watch a film for instance, yeah, a movie! ....not in a theatre though... not for me.. that goes without saying, besides, who wants to listen to a bunch of stupid pricks talking, laughing, and throwing around old, stale, over-priced popcorn at each other throughout the whole damned thing? Oh, and another thing, stop projecting porn and shit on the ceiling from your stupid H-phones 'cause it's distracting you annoying pricks!

  That makes me remember something, a quote from one of my favorite movies, and indeed, protagonists! ...so, what was it again? ...oh yeah, it went. "What if my problem wasn't that I don't understand people, but that I don't like them?"

  Come to think of it... what was the last movie I even watched? it's been so long that I don't remember...

  Wait a sec, I remember now... I think it was a western, right? yeah.. I didn't see the whole thing, in fact, I think I was half-asleep and sitting in front of my computer when I missed most of it, but between those instances of nodding off, there was one scene I remember quite clearly...

  It must have been set in the early 1900's because I remember briefly seeing a car drive through town, anyway, the setting was this old west dust-bowl town somewhere... It was late afternoon, and the streets are quiet with the haze of the dying afternoon sun, but there are still people around, one of them, a young man, dressed in a scruffy worn-out suit, with a silver pocket watch and chain adorning the lower front of his waistcoat... he seems to be heading towards a gun store just off the centre of town. He's twitchy... skittish, something is wrong... but he heads into the store. The bell rings as he enters...

  As he enters, he nervously looks around. On the large thick looking glass window from the inside, the words "erotS nuG s'trebreH" in backwards white lettering can be seen displayed in a bold crescent.

  A portly, balding, oldish looking man, with a large grey moustache stands behind the display casing with both his hands in his waistcoat pockets, his smile seems genuine, although his face is weary... There are guns everywhere, rifles on their racks, pistols on shelves and in glass casing, with one huge looking high-bore rifle looking thing right on the back wall, right above one of the many stuffed animal heads, stags, boars, even a bear or two!

  To the left of him is a large heavy metal looking old-style cash register, and it rests on the only real wooden part of the the entire glass and metallic gold display case, everything else looks old, worn, and wooden, as for wood it's everywhere. Hardwo
od, really heavy looking oak, everything's made from it. The owner finally breaks the silence...

  The store owner takes his hands from his waistcoat and warmly speaks "Good day young Sir! I am Daniel Herbert proprietor of this fine gun store! and if I might say with very little grandiosity, the best, and of course only gun store in town! I hope I can be of some assistance to you this fine afternoon!"

  The young guy looks around nervously, he is sweating profusely as he takes out a handkerchief from his front jacket pocket, he then quickly takes of his hat, and dabs the top of his forehead which is still reddening from the heat. Then he hastily folds his handkerchief, and puts it in into his pocket as he takes a cautious step forward before speaking nervously. "Y-Yes, do you happen to sell any derringers?" he asks, walking forward and already scanning the racks and looking through the murky glass of the brass shelving display units for what he's looking for.