When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  I wonder what I would do if I lived closer and I had to listen to it, being only a few feet away, and not actually being able to fool myself anymore into thinking that it's coming from somewhere else...

  Would I knock on the door? well, I already know the answer to that, don't I? ok, so I'm not brave enough to knock on the door... would I call the police then? if I could hear her getting beaten? I don't know... maybe.

  Then there's always the chance if he found out it was me that called he cops on him, he'd would probably come round to kick more than my ass! I-I could do it anonymously? but still, even by simple deduction even a block-headed moron with a sloping forehead like that could probably figure out who called them, especially if he knows the neighbourhood's "who's who" and people like that always do, probably because it makes places like this much easier to rob.

  If he knows who he is, or isn't friendly with around here, yeah... he'd come and kick-off sooner rather than later, so I'd be better off doing nothing at all... besides, I'm trying my best to completely cut myself off from society here! that won't work if I go sticking my nose into other people's business. People whose "business" I don't really care about in the first place.

  The guilt would get to a lot of people though, they'd say things like "My God that poor woman!" and "I should do something..." et cetera, et cetera, but, see, here's the thing, no one is forcing her to be there. It was her choice to start a relationship with a guy with an extra chromosome and anger issues, and it's still her choice to stay there, after time and time again he repeatedly chooses to rearrange her face. It's HER choice, and some people are so densely stupid, that they simply don't learn from their mistakes, and sadly "You can't fix stupid".

  So then... why should you waste any time caring about it as well?

  SIXTEEN

  Whew, I'm really glad to be back, I hate having to wear a suit, so tired.... but what a pain in the dick!

  Fuck I hate people!

  The world is a rotting, overflowing, cesspool of cunts, whores, liars, bastards and snakes... and not one of these glorious attributes is mutually exclusive to a single fucking person!

  It's funny that everywhere I go in life, all these creatures are offering me their unwanted, unasked for, and unneeded opinions, in both the forms of compliments and insults... or even both, and sometimes in the exact same conver-fucking-sation! ...about absolutely everything from what I look like, to how I act, and everything else in between! but wait, did I fucking ask for your opinions?! ...No? so, will all you PLEASE fuck off! and die in a fire already then!

  Today I cut my hair, shaved and wore a suit for the first time in an age, all because I had to go out for the first time in a long while, am I repeating myself? ...I dunno?!

  Anyway, I went to the bank because I had a margin call "issue" between myself, another trader and my broker, and let's just say the whole thing was a minor case of "irrational exuberance" on my broker's part... Unfortunately, unlike most of my business that I can thankfully fucking do INDOORS! I had to do it in person... So on the way there, while walking down the street, and minding my own business, I walked past something that was obviously completely tainted with stupid... This thing must have recognised me, probably from high school, which is funny... because I had not one single friend when I went to high school, why? well, because that's the way I liked it! Still, I was hurried, minding my own business and glancing briefly at my watch as I was walking down the street, when the sudden and unwelcome encounter I had with this particular creature, went something like this...

  *Noise, traffic honking*

  (Shit... look at the time! I'm late!)

  "Oi! yeah you, er... you look familiars you do! ...Don't I know you from somewheres?"

  (Who? no, what is this? ...oh, great, look, more human pollution...)

  "...Know me? No, I honestly doubt it."

  (I'm going to keep walking, I'm late! forget this guy, besides, I don't have the time to deal with some shouting, inbred-moron.)

  "No? wait a sec! hold on there for a second pal..."

  (Pal? Don't... call... me... PAL! and no, you hold on a second! You look like the kind of person who could do serious damage to himself if he thinks too much!)

  "Excuse me, I'm late for an appointment, and besides, even if I wasn't, I'd still have better things to do that stand in the middle of the street talking to you... Whoever you are."

  "Woah! what's your problem you stupid fuckin' dickhead!"

  (...The irony is palpable. Oh, and there's no problem. I just don't like speaking to people who have probably never had a single original thought pass through their cavernous, vacuous, ape like craniums. I knew he'd start following me... they always fucking do!)

  "...Oi! I'm talkin' to you!"

  (Good for you! Today you nearly learned how to communicate face to face! you still get a D-minus though! but only because you're obviously far too stupid to do a simple, basic thing, such as CONTROLLING THE VOLUME OF YOUR STUPID FUCKING IDIOT VOICE!!!)

  "You talkin' to me?"

  "Yeah, I think you've got a bit of an attitude problem!"

  (Now I have to stop, because he's getting in my face...)

  "Well, that's interesting you should see it that way, because I'm not the one shouting to random people in the street, who don't care whether I exist or not. Instead I was simply walking down the street, as usual, minding my own business... y'know? you should try it sometime."

  "I know you from somewhere..."

  *The humming of a surveillance drone can be heard, its mechanical insides clicking and whirring as it flies clearly just overhead, before moving up and away, above the tall buildings*

  (Uh-oh... I'd best be careful and step back... its brain's trying to work! this can't happen all that much, so who knows what could go wrong?! it could be dangerous... Oh, and you say you know me do you? Great. Good for you!)

  "...Great. Good for you."

  (Fuck this clown, I'm leaving...)

  "Aha! you went to the same school as me. Oi, where you going?!"

  (...Jesus, is he really going to follow me, again?!)

  "That's none of your business. I know this is probably hard for you to understand, so I'll say it in a way you can get, by using small words, and speaking very slowly... Sure, maybe I went to the same school as you... but here's the thing. So what? who cares? five minutes ago I didn't know you existed, and five more from now I'll have forgotten you again!"

  "Eh? you what?! fft! You're a right..."

  (It's time to stop and end this fool and his stupid fucking charade!)

  "Listen, I went to school with hundreds, no thousands of different people, and I pretty much didn't care about any of them, which, funnily enough includes you and all the other blunt, dense, morons like you, and you know what? many years later this is STILL exactly how I feel! so why are you wasting my time again? You want something?!"

  Turns out he didn't want anything... except maybe a hug. So he gave me a "mean" look, well, at least I think it was supposed to be mean... it kinda looked more like he was having some kind of a stroke or something instead. Then he spat on the ground right in front of me, snarled and mumbled something indecipherable, and then simply wandered off, probably to go back and find his rock that he must have left lying somewhere. Anyway, back to the pub with you, next to all the other morons and cretins you scum!

  ... I don't get it anymore, it's like I'm some kind of prick-magnet, like I have a heavy magnetic reaction towards worthless fucking pricks!

  I haven't cried in years, and today, I finally understand why I simply cannot cry anymore... after such a long time of feeling miserable, now my sadness so easily turns into hate and rage instead. It's the same with all my feelings of disappointment, they too just manifest as anger and hatred now, this must have happened a long time ago, and without me even realising it...

  All this hate I have inside for people now, for the world... for existence. I think I finally may have gained some extra confidence with it... better late than n
ever.

  Still.... that fucking slap-headed football watching monkey! expecting me to even acknowledge his worthless fucking existence! why should I?! you think I care?! Jesus, you people... "people" just like that! and I'll bet he still doesn't get it! He can live a hundred fucking years from now, or die tomorrow, either way, why would I care?!

  Fuck him and his useless, unwanted opinions, bouncing around his vacant, fat, bald, stupid-fucking-head! Oh yeah... and I'm pretty much broke now too... Fuck this world!

  ...God, I'm miserable.

  SEVENTEEN

  "Doctor, do you think there's such a thing as say.... Permanent depression?"

  (...what am I doing here?)

  "You're asking me, is there some kind of irreversible depressive condition, for which no cure exists?"

  (First the bank, now this? ...and going out twice in one week?! Unbelievable! If I wanted to, I could have gotten myself an appointment with Doctor Robert the same day as the bank appointment, and it would have at least saved me all this extra hassle and aggravation... What the hell is wrong with me?)

  "No, Jack, I don't think so, even if it were say, a major long term episode, I highly doubt such that a condition would be permanent, what I suspect you are dealing with is a protracted down period."

  (Protracted? it's pretty damn "protracted" if you ask me... but if you meant by, say, "protracted" as in all my life, and nearly every single second since I was born... then yeah, that kind of "protracted down period" right? I was supposed to "grow out" of this phase too, remember? Yeah, so much for that...)

  "Please elaborate on what you were telling me before, for instance, how are you feeling on a day to day basis?"

  (I still feel exactly the same as I did years ago, but now it's just that my life is a fucking catastrophe zone instead.)

  "Honestly, doctor, it's been a very, very, long time that I've been feeling this way. I mean like, years of feeling like this, tired, blue, empty, miserable... it, it never stops, it never ends. What if my brain chemistry is, y'know, "stuck" this way? ...What are the chances of that?"

  "Extremely slim. Tell me Jack, and this is important, so I would very much like you to tell me the truth, ok? Do you ever have any suicidal thoughts, or have you experienced something like an intentional urge to harm yourself at any time over the last year?"

  "Erm. No."

  (Liar.)

  "Do you ever have dreams or specific delusions in which you have certain... difficulties telling the difference between dreams and reality? moments where you become deeply engrossed in reminiscing? or moments such as becoming completely lost in thought?"

  (La-la-la-la-la.... What?)

  "Do you ever get lost in your own thoughts, Jack?"

  (...if I say yes.)

  "Sometimes, I mean, sort of."

  "Jack, do you ever hear voices?"

  "No."

  (*ahem*.... erm? HELLO?!!)

  "That's just me, though..."

  "What?"

  "Uh... I was saying that's just, erm, me... my luck, if I started, y'know? "hearing things" but, uh, no, I don't..."

  "How are your interactions with others?"

  "... What do you mean?"

  "Generally, on a day-to-day basis? How would you say you feel interacting with other people?"

  (...What can I say to that? that I'm a socially inept recluse? that I don't even try anymore? That people are all Bastards with a capital "B" and a capital 'ASTARDS!)

  "Jack?"

  "...Huh?"

  "I lost you for a second there, are you alright? is there something you'd like to tell me?"

  (Yeah, I think I've developed like an allergic reaction to people... you got anything for it?)

  "I, I don't know what to tell you doc, uh. When I do deal with others it generally goes ok, until..."

  "Until? what do you mean by "until".

  (I mean "until" they inevitably show me how unbelievably fucking stupid they are! Fucking people... if they're not boring me, then they're annoying me, and if they're not annoying me then they're trying to screw me over!)

  "I meant that, I think I might have a low tolerance to bullsh... I mean, uh... Maybe I have, like... a short temper? or something like that, occasionally, though, sometimes...*cough*"

  "...I see. Do you often have periods where you feel invincible?"

  (Now that you mention it...)

  "... like a surge of energy?"

  (Yup.)

  "... like you feel as if you can take on the whole world?"

  (I can and I will! fuck 'em all!!)

  "Ah, well, yes, uh, sometimes. Now that you mention it..."

  "Jack, from what you have told me and also by going by your past medical history, what I think you may be suffering from is either Bipolar disorder, or one of its subtypes, such as bipolar II for example."

  (Bipolar two? ...what the fuck is that? is that some kind of sequel to bipolar disorder that nobody asked for?)

  "... The possibility for co-morbidity with other asocial personality traits and disorders is... high, but for now I should cease any further suppositions on my part. Diagnosis of any other specific personality disorders would be best left to a psychologist."

  (Bipolar two, manic depressive boogaloo...)

  "Would you like me to explain about your condition further?"

  "Uh, no. Thanks. I already know what it is."

  (If I have it, and I know exactly what it feels like... then why would I even need an explanation?)

  "What I suggest..."

  (You're going to give me pills, aren't you?)

  "... is a course of medication."

  (See, what did I tell you?)

  "Although, due to your past family history of heart problems, I suggest that we skip Lithium altogether..."

  (But why? I'm so happy...)

  "...and start you on a course of 25mg of Lamotrizine with an incremental increase every two weeks, at least until we reach something of a plateau. Now, depending on the results in a month or so, I may ask you to come back and see a specialist."

  "...What will he do?"

  "He or she, may recommend anything from, say, behavioural therapy..."

  (Boooring, been there, done that, got the goddam t-shirt.)

  "... to possibly prescribing some other, more effective medication."

  (I still want to get smashed...)

  "Can I drink?"

  "... what's that?"

  "While I'm on this medication, can I drink alcohol?"

  "Yes, I suppose, although because of your actual condition, I certainly wouldn't recommend doing so. Alcohol can greatly worsen the symptoms of both depression and bipolar disorder..."

  (Blah, blah, blah.)

  "...neither would I recommend drinking when taking ANY medication with a condition such as yours, although studies have shown there is very little, if any known interactions between Lamotrizine and alcohol."

  "Ok. Thanks."

  "So, is there anything else you would like to ask?"

  (I'm crazy, remember? so what's the point? Besides, I didn't need a doctor to point all that shit out.)

  "No, I don't think so. No, wait, there is one other thing..."

  "Yes, Jack?"

  "I can't stop myself from thinking about things that I don't want to. I mean, like, ever, and I'm always worrying about stuff too, you know?"

  "And are these thoughts that worry you centred around anything specific?"

  "No. Just stupid pointless random thoughts. Things like that."

  "I see, most likely it's anxiety related, which will be compounded by the manic episodes you frequently experience. The medication I'm prescribing should start to help you see a difference, in time. In the meantime, try to relax, and try not to worry too much. Now, is there anything else you'd like to ask?"

  "Erm. No, I don't think so."

  "Well then, I will see you in about a fortnight, but first Jack, remember that conditions such as depression and bipolar disorder are like a hole, a well, if you will,
to climb out, the first thing you have to remember is to stop digging yourself deeper, ok?"

  (Eh? What the fu?.... Uh, sure doc, that's a nice little analogy you got there. Now 'cause it's so nice, let's keep using it for a while, shall we? So... what exactly should I do about this "hole" of yours, then? hmm? should I just start climbing out of it? ...with what? a ladder? a ladder that I don't have? a ladder that I don't even fucking own?! so what now, huh?? Do I say to myself "Fuck physics and fuck gravity!" and try to dig myself up?!)