When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  All it probably took was a single... spark that set the fire, all the roots of their homicidal murderous actions could possibly be traced to a single point in time, just one moment that started the eventual blaze. Or maybe it was a series of continuous events in their lives that did it, years of berating, and prodding, and abuse that caused it? that ... SNAP! and because of it, it may have led them down the path of no return. Could it... could it have been different if not for those events? ...who knows? for some, maybe, or maybe it was just a collection of unrelated moments that added together that eventually took their toll.

  Or most of them were simply too broken in the first place, and it was pretty much inevitable.

  Sure, I mean, some of them were already psychopaths, so that probably didn't help much, but what is a psychopath anyway? somebody who is automatically evil? ooga-booga evil? ...No, I don't think so, besides, enlightened men such as myself are above such arbitrary moral concepts as "Good" and "Evil" much like the dated social constructs that spawned them. It's more like... order vs chaos when it comes down to it.

  A psychopath is someone who simply lacks any empathy for other people, and on average, for the entire human race, so in fact, that would mean that, by actual definition, that I am a psychopath!

  *Loud sex noises continue*

  I certainly don't have empathy for any of these cretins, at least not anymore. I, I used to have empathy for people, more than I could put into words, however, over the passage of time it slowly... ebbed away, gradually, like limestone in a cold-river stream... Hm? I do wonder then, so am I actually a psychopath? just not by some strict definition? if so, what is the difference between one who is born without empathy, and one that simply... loses it?

  At this point, I don't think I could ever gain my empathy, my humanity back, and besides, what's the point of having something like "humanity" or a "conscience" in a world where no-one seems to give a shit if they have one or not anymore, anyway?

  There is one thing that I need to address, though, sometimes I feel like... I mean.. no, wait. If I can't be truly honest with myself, then who can I be honest with? Sometimes... sometimes... I like to see people in pain, I like to see them hurt, well, most of them. Not good people, innocent people, though, who rare as they are now, actually selflessly help others.

  Come to think of it, nobodies really that innocent once their parents have left the room anyway, I guess. Still, I don't like to see children hurt... mostly.. and of course being a vegan I cannot stand the suffering of animals in any way, shape, or form! Oh, and by the way, for the record, I hope everybody who has ever hunted an endangered, or non-endangered species of animal for nothing more than simple "sport" or "pleasure" dies horribly, right along with their needless and useless offspring! Hopefully all viciously savaged by the exact same animals they hunt, in some kind of karmic act of retribution!... as for people? the majority of people? No, I really don't care, so please, go ahead! shoot and stab away! and as long as it ain't me, we'll be doing A-ok!

  *Loud sex noises*

  ...Whether I am a psychopath, a sociopath, or something else entirely doesn't matter, because at this point I think psychopaths are the result of some really bad PR in my opinion. Think about it! what would we do if all the psychopaths of the world one day simply... upped and disappeared? Vanished, without a trace, just like that, why, the world would be a horrible place to live! politics and banking would simply cease to exist... overnight! and all the economies across the globe would instantly shut-the-fuck-down, yet again! ...yeah, that's for sure... and who wants that, hmm? another collapse like last time? wars, mayhem... and people killing each other in the streets for breadcrumbs due to lack of psychopaths? ...Not me!

  *Loud sex noises*

  "...WILL YOU ALL JUST STOP FUCKING FUCKING!!!"

  *Loud sex noises abruptly stop*

  ......Where was I? Oh yes... for instance, think of all the great artists that would leave us if there was this, this theoretical mass-exodus of psychopaths! people such as... Hollywood actors for example! or, well, most actors in general to be honest... also, a whole shitload of musicians would be out of here as well! gone, just like that! and, uh, writers too... out of here! bye-bye now! Hell, come to think of it any creative person, really.

  What? do you think that some of the greatest artists... no, greatest actors that ever lived are the perfect result of a balanced and normal mind?! Ha! are you completely shit-fuck insane?! ...all that dedication towards becoming someone else, changing mannerisms, impersonating others, the ability to play a role, to deceive, these things are all inherent talents of the psychopath! in fact, some of them are so good at it, that you can't tell whether they're lying, or playing a role ...and some are even better than that! and they can't even tell if they are lying, or playing a role, no "normal" person can do that, have so much talent with that kind of... no, that level of deception!

  So, what exactly do you call someone with anger issues, and an artistic temperament... but yet, no real innate artistic ability?

  A completely useless fucking asshole! ...Hahahahaha!

  Ahem... Now I ask you, what do the very best actors have in common? I'll tell you! I mean, uh, me! See... the performers in question are so convincing in each one of their roles, that not for one-single-second do you even believe that they are actually acting! that is what makes a great actor, and also, a great psycho!

  That to me, is the very definition of a psychopath, perfect, undetectable, deception ...and for profit no less! what's more, they probably even enjoy it! but again, are these people "evil?" ...uh, yeah, maybe, sure, some of em' ...some of them could be deeply evil, deeply disturbed, but all of them? No-no, of course not, they're pretty much like any other group of people on the planet, just a result of different extremes, of balance, or lack of it, no generalisations are required, because they're just like anybody else... any other group... of assholes.

  For instance, psychopathy is a mental issue, sure, everybody knows that, right? but people don't usually take into account other underlying factors such as your soul, your spirit, your essence, the core of your being, or whatever the fuck you want to call it! whether you believe in it or not, you have one. Now, you can have a psychopathic mind, but have a good soul and... well, now you see where you run into problems with absolutes! Likewise, you can have a perfectly so-called "normal" mind but be a complete and utter bastard in just about anything and everything you do!

  Whether it's due to nature, upbringing, or some other influence, it's like a mix-and-match type of thing. Yeah! that's all people are! cheap, old, rotten, badly made, and foul-tasting Pick 'n' Mix!

  A bunch of random ingredients spewed into a pot and stirred for nine months, and then it's simply down to your parentage, love, guidance or lack of it from then on. That's the real decider to whether you freeze to death or not in this cold, cruel, and empty godforsaken fucking world...

  Will you freeze, or survive the long cold winter nights all on your own? uh-oh! now this is where things are make or break! see, it's your parents fault! ...did they even give you a coat?!

  At this point it's kinda like life is one big game of Russian roulette... but I got screwed when they gave out the guns, and I ended up with a clip loading, semi-automatic pistol!

  ...I hate my parents. I wonder what they're doing now? No, wait... I don't care. Fuck em'!

  You see, people are nothing but sacks of shit in reality, it's only when you add water then you REALLY start to see if there are any holes in the sack or not.

  ...Maybe I should write that one down?

  FOURTEEN

  *Jack sits on his living room window ledge drinking gin, it's raining, he's watching people as they hurry below, some using bright luminescent umbrellas*

  ...Look at all the vacuous little nothings wandering around, completely obsessed with their totally insignificant thoughts of status and copulation. Their miserable lives all completely inconsequential...

  Oh, except for that guy, he's pretty cool... Th
e guy in the blue raincoat down there, he's one of the neighbours from a nearby block, I think, he's at the edge of the park down there walking the Border Terrier, I forget his name, but he helped me with my flats once when some of the bastard neighborhood kids decided to go on a car-tyre slashing spree this one time.

  Well, like I said "pretty cool" yeah... apart from the fact I caught him setting his old piece-of-shit van on fire this one night a little while back, probably to claim on the insurance or something. First, I heard the sound of glass smashing, and then a car alarm go off, so I got up to look out the window and I saw him sprinting away from his flaming van shortly afterwards, I saw his face, he was dressed nearly head-to-toe in black with a tire iron still in hand. Insomnia does have its uses, I suppose... Come to think of it, a couple of other people around here are fairly ok too... but that's besides the point!

  .....Blegh! I think I see a pregnant woman down there... My god, is there anything more horrific looking than a pregnant woman?! yeah, I bet the world can't wait until you finally squeeze that parasite out of you! Glowing my ass.

  Oh, and speaking of parasites... look at these little changeling rodents scurrying home from school! why, it's the next generation of thoroughly useless half-wits, that will do absolutely nothing of worth in life. Yes. The various results of illegitimacy from a bunch of late-night drunken fumblings... probably between siblings considering how ugly most of them are. You see their parents stumbling out of their drinking holes in the wee hours of the morning, throwing up in the street, fighting, and howling to each other in idiotspeak.

  Just another bunch of juvenile delinquent, prison-bound train wrecks waiting to happen...

  I don't know about you, but I personally think it should be considered cruelty to bring a child into this world, and besides, why would anyone willingly do that to themselves, anyway? "I know honey! let's have ourselves a kid, a little bundle of fun and joy!" Yeah, ok... then all they do is sleep, eat, and shit, nothing but awful noises and smells... Oh, and how could I forget? then there's the complaining, and you obviously can't forget all that wasted money too, It's like self-inflicted torture or something! another guaranteed and foolproof way to completely fuck up and ruin your entire life! ...Pft! "bringing a child into this world" ..it's so stupid... Kids are just some vanity project anyway... hmm, what about... nah, how could I take care of a child? in fact, why the hell would I even want to?! besides, I've all but proved that I can barely even take care of myself, also children are still people... and I still hate people!

  Most "parents" today can't raise their kids either, maybe it's because their all about twelve now when they have them? ...I dunno. "Pop them out and drag them up" seems to be the buzzword slogan of today, and I'll be goddamned if "dragged them up" isn't appropriate for all the council estate ma's and pa's. Honestly, fuck it... why even bother? I mean, you might as well just keep getting pregnant! Sure, the government will take care of you! because in the end, that's a career too, right?

  As for the rest of the not so "working class", all those wastes-of-sperm-and-egg chav and chavette losers couldn't bring up their chavlet kids if they were given a fucking manual on how to do it! and I even think I heard that they've been TRYING to do that in some places, it better come with pictures and diagrams though, 'cos half of them are completely illiterate anyway... Who the hell am I kidding? they'd still manage to fuck everything up even with step-by-step guides and still have them turn completely fucking feral.

  "Duh?! you put tha baby bottle in wot hole again?! Top one or bottom one?"

  Then you'll see them wandering the streets in a decade or so, walking around and acting like they own the place in their collective little groups of hopeless shitheads. Massively decreasing the value of any property they choose to loiter around, and spending all their time pretending to be tough, and forever shouting and mouthing off, in between vandalising things, being stupidly promiscuous, and constantly starting random fights with each other, as well as anybody left on the planet that's half-decent... Nothing but cheap, ugly, human waste products, poster children for the advocation of partial-birth abortions. Vermin, all of them. Scum.

  Oh and by the way... my god do I love abortion! legalise it, everywhere, then make it fucking mandatory!

  Then you've got the middle-income jellyfish that are about as bad, churning out the next generation of witless, useless, pointless, buttoned-down conformists, yet all the time still thinking that their kids are special! in some way. Yeah, they're special alright, special-fucking-needs!

  They never let their precious little diddums play outdoors, because of "germs" or "paedophiles" and of course! we mustn't forget about the dreaded "paedophiles COVERED in germs!" Yeah, because like anybodies going to want to molest your child, I mean just look at it... it's hideous! they all are!

  Jeez, I think even most paedophiles at least have some standards...

  Have you seen these kids now, seriously? most of them have ridiculous or unpronounceable names, and they all wear fucking corduroy and have H-phones permanently glued to their hands as they stare at them nonstop, like the rest of the ignorant, bleating sheep. Oh, and they're "networking" together now too, permanently plugged into the matrix right along with all the other masses of online freakin' zombies!

  They all seem to have "schedules" as well. You'll have like one sane kid go over to one of these "children" and he'll ask it. "Hey! wanna play?!" or something like that, and the zombie sheep child will be all like "well, if you'd just let me check my schedule today... ah, no, I am sorry, see I cannot play in the sandbox with you today, because I am reorganising my portfolio..."

  ....What is everybody fucking autistic now?! or did all that social media afterbirth just make it "cool" this month too?

  FIFTEEN

  Is it possible for one man to be right about everything? I mean, I do try! but still...

  If everything is the will of God, then that would make God the biggest mass-murderer of them all, after all, for what kills more than he?

  See, if God created everything, then isn't he the one who's directly responsible for the creation of evil, for the creation of the "devil?" ...It's funny how Christians with all their biblical answers and reasoning, never really have a straight answer for that one, do they? I guess they would say it's the result of "free will" or something... but wait, isn't he, and by definition, supposed to have created that too?

  If so, are good and evil just two-sides of the same coin? is it really true that one cannot exist without the other? and if so.... what of the coin?

  Whatever, forget it, I think I'm starting to sound like one of those nutjob conspiracy theorists...

  Anyway, it's been a little while, and the "music" still continues from the direction of the end apartment, the people living there like to add arguing into the mix sometimes as well. I'm still not completely sure who lives in that apartment, but from what I hear of the arguments, the voices, and the loving and caring way they seem to finish each others insults, from the sounds of things it's a couple. A man and a woman to be specific.

  I think he slaps her around more than a little bit. I'm also pretty damn sure he doesn't have a job, well, at least I don't think so, 'cos unless he's been day trading like me, and I sincerely doubt that, I've never seen him go to work. I've definitely heard the moron slamming and banging the door when he goes out at all hours, but I've never seen the girl though... not once.

  I've only briefly seen the back of "him" one time, through the peephole in the door, it was when the police were dragging him away in handcuffs, he was struggling, and the only thing I really remember that stood out about him, that I could tell from that brief glimpse, was his hands, they were slightly blooded and his knuckles were scuffed, he seemed just like a typical knuckle-dragger to me, the type who can barely use words with consecutive syllables, and I only remember his hands because they were cuffed directly behind him. I think the police came that time, because there was a hell of a lot of arguing from them that night, banging, scream
ing, sounds of smashing glass, you name it.

  After that, on the night of that incident though, I could hear a police woman telling a hysterical crying woman that "it'll be ok" just as they were dragging him away. I wonder who rang the police? it must have been someone living closer to them. I'm a few doors down, so it's hard to tell what's specifically going on down there, I hear bumping every so often, and so I assume that it's them having another fight or something, although it could just be the "player" upstairs dragging another low-rent herpe factory back to his cave, and having his way with her.

  Sometimes I hear glass smashing and shouting coming from there, crying as well, too, but then again, it's hard to pinpoint the source in this block. I suppose when it happens, I just could go outside and wander down the hallway to check? ...but I could risk bumping into him if I did, and if he chooses that particular moment to storm out... so uh... nah, who wants to do that? besides, I'm a recluse, I only go out when it's absolutely necessary!